Is this a red flag?

[Anonymous]

I have been together soon with my boyfriend for 2 years. In the beginning of our relationship we agreed we do not want to wait years upon years before we move together. We live in two different countries so one has to move. It’s been clean from start I do not want to move to his country because how it is there with quality of living. I made that clean before even dating. We known eachother for 8 years before we started dating. We have agreed to set a goal that we will move together within the first half of 2025. I had just bought a new apartment and there would more good space for both of us to live here. We sat one evening talking and I told him because of job and how it’s lacking in my country something for the far future I might want move to my moms home country. It will be more jobs and it would be closer to his home country aswell.
However. A few days ago an old friend of mine jumped in a call with my boyfriend and myself and we did alittle catching up. My friend then asks what out plan is. My boyfriend then answers that we not too sure but that I was debating to move to Denmark so we might move there together. I was shocked and didn’t know what to say other than what? I am so confused.
He had at beginning been very clear also he doesn’t want to wait for many years before we move in with eachother.
I took over my apartment 2 months ago. I have put a lot of money and effort in to making this my home. I feel it’s pretty obvious I am not moving anytime soon. I do not know what to make out of it.
I also want to note that he NEVER takes initiative to talk about our future. It’s all just a haze.
Am I together with a man that actually doesn’t want to have a future with me?
I understand the nerves of he has to leave his country then but it’s genuinely just an hour flight and tickets can be pretty affordable.

[Oliverlogan263]

Yeah sis, that is definitely a red flag that you need to pay attention to. A few things stand out to me:

- You've made it clear multiple times where you're willing to live and not willing, yet he told your friend something completely different. That shows he isn't really listening to or respecting your boundaries.

- If moving in together within the next year or so is important to both of you, he should be having more concrete discussions about timelines and plans - not just leaving things vague.

- The fact that he wasn't willing to move to your country makes it seem like he expects you to do all the compromising and uprooting, when a relationship requires give and take from both people.

I'd have a serious sit-down with him about this. Let him know changing the terms of discussion with your friend created distrust. See how he responds when you directly confront this issue. Pay attention to whether he can acknowledge your perspective or gets defensive. His answers will show if he's really in this for the long-haul with you or not. Trust your gut from there - you deserve a partner who's fully committed.

[Asker]

Thank you for the input. I taken the advice and I did sit down and talked to him. I told him how I felt about it. He told me his side and we came conclusion we both want the same thing. I did tell him tho and was very clear where my boundaries are and from what he said he agrees. For now I will just have to see. Thank you again tho for taking the time.

[Oliverlogan263]

Hey no problem girl! I'm really glad you were able to talk it out with your boyfriend and get on the same page. Communication is so important in a relationship. It was a good call to lay out your boundaries too - guys need to be totally clear on what their girl needs. I think it's a good sign that he listened and you understand each other better now. Just keep an open line of talking in the future so little things don't turn into big misunderstandings. Make sure to check in with each other now and then too about how you're both feeling about things. And if you ever wanna vent or get a guy’s perspective, you know I'm here for you! Wishing you both all the best moving forward. You got this!

[DishLady]

If your future is so f-ing important why don't YOU bring it up with him instead of acting all surprised? And if he doesn't have the same vision as you then why are you still with him?

[Asker]

Damn I don't know why you swearing and so passive aggressive but I’m the ONLY one that has brought it up like 5 times and every time it is up in the air because uncertainty with his work. He wants to build up more experience in his field and it never gets brought up again. I’m not some dumb woman that waits for the Disney prince to come and kiss my feet. We are equal so we both take initiative. In this it was just really the lack of initiation and engagement that bothered me. Problem for me is that he sometimes is in a trance because he is playing video games and he faintly listens then. I have again talked to him and he had admitted that he had misunderstood what I had meant because he didn’t listen 100%. That he is with me still. Tho it still hurts to feel I am the only one and I told him that.