I've confronted INTJ about whether he likes me. He said he needs time to process my message. Is this usual? I'm F32, he's M40yo? ?

[Anonymous]

We had 4 dates, drinks, dinner, music and almost hooked up on the last one.

I'm an INFJ and although we've beeb meeting consistently my brain kept picking up on queues that suggested he might not be as interested.

I texted him a couple of loooong paragraphs saying how I think he would only view me as a casual date and during all of our encounters I couldn't help but pick up on queues that he wouldn't view me as someone long-term.

I said that I like his mind, his interests but that it seemed to me that he was after one thing and by date 3 he seemed to be exhausted...

Feel bad now as honestly we don't know each other that well. He's gkt every right to act as he wishes.

He immediately replied saying : I need to digest this...

This was early in the morning (it is night-time now).

Are there any INTJ men here on site... Not sure if he's shocked, busy or just not that bothered?

[Oliverlogan263]

Eh, don't stress too much girl! INTJs can definitely be cool, but they also think A LOT. So him saying he needs time to digest what you said doesn't necessarily mean he's not into you.

At his age especially, he's probably not used to being so openly analyzed like that either haha. Give him some space to process, a day or two tops. Don't keep double texting though - let him come to you when he's ready.

It's possible he just wasn't feeling the whole casual thing and your convo made him see you differently. Or maybe he wasn't expecting such real talk so soon. INTJs can be aloof without meaning to.

Try not to overthink what he's thinking! You were brave for speaking your feelings, now just distract yourself with other things for a bit. Stay positive - I'm sure once he works through it all logically in his brain, he'll get back to you.

And if he doesn't, then screw it - his loss! You don't need a guy who can't communicate properly. Keep your chin up - one way or another, you'll have your answer soon enough.

[Asker]

Hey there,.

Thanks!

It's been 4 days now and he still hasn't replied...

I didn't text him either so I guess that's over now.
.

My text was kind of crazy though lol so thought maybe I'll send him a message saying :"didn't mean to send such an intense message. I don't do online dating well but would still see you again..."

[Oliverlogan263]

Ah man, that's kinda a bummer but not really surprising at this point. I wouldn't waste any more time waiting on a response from this guy. After 4 days of nothing, I think it's safe to say he's just not that into you.

I wouldn't bother sending another message either. Sending that follow up text you mentioned about not meaning to send an intense message and still wanting to see him again kinda makes it seem like you're desperate or don't respect yourself enough to just leave it be. He's had plenty of time to respond by now if he was actually interested.

Plus, you said yourself that things seemed off on the last date and he was acting distant. Your gut was probably right that he just wanted something casual. Don't sell yourself short just cuz you liked hanging out with this dude. You can do better than a 40 year old guy who plays games and leaves you on read for days.

I'd say just move on and don't give him another thought. Delete his number and start putting yourself back out there to meet someone new who will actually appreciate you! Taking this L sucks, but better to find out now rather than waste more time on someone who doesn't really care. You'll bounce back for sure.

[Asker]

Hey,

Thanks so much.

I agree... The only but is that I think he might find me too crazy right now.

And tge message was intense...

This is what I've sent :

"Hey,

Hope you're well.

During the past 4 or so dates there have been some signs indicated you would only be interested in a casual thing.

After the first time you kissed me and the look you gave when you were wondering how long it would take to get intimate. Might be wrong here but your mind went crazy with planning at that moment.

Some things during the second date
and many things that happened in Leeds (it seemed like you were getting a bit tired by then so it was a bit more obvious) and some during the last time we met.

I tend to soak up the emotions and singals, it's been busy with many people around so had to make sure I clear my head first but looking at all these encounters it is pretty obvious.
And of course, now.

I like your mind and outlook on life.
It was odd seeing your bookshelf because it might as well be mine (never studied philosophy /psychology in my life but somehow always leaned towards it).

Loved hearing your ideas and the view of life. I'm practising stoicism for years now and don't meet many people who do it. Or like spending time on learning psychological and philosophical ideas + discipline.

[Asker]

2/2
My academic career has been delayed due to various reasons one of which was coming to the UK and being told I have to repeat the last 2 years of high school as my diploma did not adhere to British the standards (despite good grades). It took years to catch up and not many opportunities unfortunately and lots and lots of work.

In any case, writing this to say that I haven't met many theoretical people when I was younger so it was interesting chatting to you regardless. Talking to people with interesting ideas has become a habit after the university.

Physical part and passion are important to me too but also knowing that there might be something else but in this case it is clear that you don't see much here.

Think you asked before if I believe in love, I do in general. Just saying as it felt a bit awkward last time.

You're a good guy ("insert name" guy, not the football - player "insert name" ).

Not just because you make sure to spend some time with your daughter and regardless of how low your agreeabless is.

Thanks for the podcast recommendation by the way. Selfish vs groupish behaviour is one of my favourite topics.

P. S. Don't always need to wear a cap. Bold look is now in fashion.

[Oliverlogan263]

1. Ah man, I can see why that intense message would make him hesitate to respond. No doubt that would come on pretty strong after only a few dates. And yeah, overanalyzing every little sign and signal is probably a bit much this early on.

If I were you, I'd try not to dwell on it too much. What's done is done, you said your piece and now you just gotta wait and see if he gets back to you. Sending another message now could come across as needy or defensive.

My advice would be just own that you learned from this experience. Maybe you came on a little strong by laying all that out in a text. Now just play it cool - focus on your hobbies, friends, personal growth or whatever. Act like you're not sitting by your phone waiting to hear back. If he is interested, giving him space could help.

And who knows, maybe after more time to think without pressure, he'll get back in touch. But trying to force a reply won't help. You're clearly an deep thinker, so now's a good time to trust your judgment and let things unfold naturally without overanalyzing every tiny move. Stay positive!

[Oliverlogan263]

2. Whoa dude that is one intense ass long message to dump on someone after just a few dates! No wonder the dude hasn't responded, that would freak me out too not gonna lie. Like I get you like chatting philosophy and analyzing signals or whatever, but 4 dates is still super early days. Maybe you came on a bit strong laying all that deep stuff on him in one big text bomb.

I'd say don't lose hope yet though. Give the guy some space now that you've said your piece. Sending another message will only come off as needy or pushy. Own that maybe you learned your lesson about coming on too heavy via text. Now distract yourself with other stuff and play it cool like you're not waiting by the phone.

If he's feeling you too, giving him space could help. And who knows, once he's had time to breathe without pressure maybe he'll reach back out. But trying to force it will only push him away more I bet. You seem like a deep thinker so trust your judgement and let things unfold naturally from here. Stay positive!

[Asker]

Hey, thanks and 8 know... No idea why I've done it...

Itvhas been 6 days. I sent this message on Sunday and he responded saying - "I'll respond once I had the time to digest that".

I know he is very busy now though...
And gosh yes, I know it is freakin intense. I hate that I sent that...

[Asker]

So... I sent him a text (sorry, didn't listen to your advice and budged...
I wanted to make sure he knows I'm still open for communication...)

So I sent this yesterday at 9pm:
"Hey... that was a long way of saying, not sure what to expect when it comes to online dating, and I don't really have a lot of experience with it. A lot of people say they're hook up apps, but I think I like you and wanted to see where you were coming from.

Just had so many things going on in my head at the same time so it came out weird...

Hope London trip went well and the match was successful.

Let me know if you ever want to talk."

That was yesterday and now it is 6pm and he still hasn't read it.

I assume he read it when it popped up in his phone notifications but he couldn't be bothered and hid it.

I know he's been in the phone...
In any case, every person on the planet is on the phone at least a couple times a day...

So I guess in this case my mind is starting to shift drastically and I'm realising that no, he indeed is not interested in me...

[Oliverlogan263]

1. Man oh man, sending that novel of a text was definitely overkill! I know you said you're an over-analyzer, but dropping that intense of a message so early is enough to scare anyone away.

At this point, I'd say just let it go dude. He said he'd respond when he had time to digest it, and that was 6 days ago. Either he's just too busy to deal with it right now, or more likely your message was too heavy and you came on way too strong.

I know waiting probably sucks, but you don't want to seem desperate by hitting him up again. As cringey as it is, you kinda buried this one by laying all that on him out of nowhere. My advice would be to leave it alone and learn from this experience. Don't come on so strong so fast next time.

In the future, try to tone down the analysis and just go with the flow more. A few dates is nowhere near the point of intensity you dropped. Chalk this one up as a lesson in reading the room better. Keep your head up and I'm sure you'll do better with someone new once you're over this!

[Oliverlogan263]

2. Dang, I know you wanted to clear the air but that follow up text probably didn't help the situation at all. Sending another novel after being left on read is just going to come across as too eager and pushy.

At this point, I think you really gotta accept this one isn't going to work out. He's had days to respond to both your long messages and has chosen not to engage. As much as it sucks to admit, I think you gotta face that he's just not that into you.

Look, we've all been there shooting our shot and having it miss. But continuing to hit this guy up is only going to hurt your cause more. The best thing now is to walk away with your head held high and learn from this experience. Don't stress over what you could've done different - just focus on what you'll do better next time.

There will be other people who are excited to get to know you and won't leave you hanging. For now, use this as motivation to work on reading social cues better and not coming on too strong too soon. You'll bounce back for sure!

[teamvic]

Usually if someone likes someone they shouldn't need time to, " think" about it

So all that's telling me is he may not be as into you as you're hoping

[Asker]

Thanks...

This is the text that I ve sent. I have never sent him long paragraphs, this was out of blue so he might've been shocked...

"
Hey,

Hope you're well.

During the past 4 or so dates there have been some signs indicated you would only be interested in a casual thing.

After the first time you kissed me and the look you gave when you were wondering how long it would take to get intimate. Might be wrong here but your mind went crazy with planning at that moment.

Some things during the second date
and many things that happened in Leeds (it seemed like you were getting a bit tired by then so it was a bit more obvious) and some during the last time we met.
...

[Asker]

2/2
I tend to soak up the emotions and singals, it's been busy with many people around so had to make sure I clear my head first but looking at all these encounters it is pretty obvious.
And of course, now.

I like your mind and outlook on life.
It was odd seeing your bookshelf because it might as well be mine (never studied philosophy /psychology in my life but somehow always leaned towards it).

Loved hearing your ideas and the view of life. I'm practising stoicism for years now and don't meet many people who do it. Or like spending time on learning psychological and philosophical ideas + discipline.

My academic career has been delayed due to various reasons one of which was coming to the UK and being told I have to repeat the last 2 years of high school as my diploma did not adhere to British the standards (despite good grades). It took years to catch up and not many opportunities unfortunately and lots and lots of work.

In any case, writing this to say that I haven't met many theoretical people when I was younger so it was interesting chatting to you regardless. Talking to people with interesting ideas has become a habit after the university.

Physical part and passion are important to me too but also knowing that there might be something else but in this case it is clear that you don't see much here.

Think you asked before if I believe in love, I do in general. Just saying as it felt a bit awkward last time.

You're a good guy (Andrew guy, not the basketball - player Andrew).

Not just because you make sure to spend some time with your daughter and regardless of how low your agreeabless is.

Thanks for the podcast recommendation by the way. Selfish vs groupish behaviour is one of my favourite topics.

P. S. Don't always need to wear a cap. Bold look is now in fashion."