I exposed a man and it backfired… am I wrong?

[Anonymous]

So I was kicked out of a group for exposing a man and people felt that I was “bitter” and called me “crazy” for speaking my truth on this man. It was a very invalidating experience.

Let me be clear on why I’m exposing him…

1. He did not respect my boundaries when it came to having sex and ended trying to use manipulation. I made it clear to him before we exchanged numbers that I wasn’t in a space to have sex or be in a relationship. He kind of wanted to know why etc and he wasn’t pushy.. but he said things he felt I NEEDED to hear… and at first I’m thinking wow maybe he is genuine and understanding. Looking back it was hard to see his “coercive behavior…” to get what he wanted and wanted to gain my trust. Even saying how can I make you feel safe

2. Subtle changes in behavior after telling him that I wanted to take things slow with him and gaslighting.. I did end up liking him and when I said that… that’s when it started taking hours for him to respond and then it went to days… only to get a “sorry really busy”…. But it kept happening and I confronted him and he tried to say that I needed to “heal”….. but it was strange behavior coming from a man who was trying to make me feel “safe” initially…

3. Disrespect… (devalue/discard) everything was cool on the date at first but then he became disrespectful and rude… he started asking when I last had sex, dildos, negging behavior and some insults.

4. Not being honest about his real name even on the date.. I asked him if “Craig” was his real name and he said yes… I get you want to protect yourself but he really did not want to tell me his name and seemed annoyed when I asked. It was very fishy

5. After the “date” i tried finding a “gf”…. Bc i felt like he was talking to someone.. he has no social media presence and keeps things private

6. He is possibly bisexual or closeted based on some things I found

He deserved to be exposed

He did not deserve to be exposed

They are right

[ProbablyClueless]

So... obviously, I can only go by the information you've included here, but it does kind of sound like you jumped the gun on exposing him. The things that you're talking about are kind of flaky, inconsistent, and maybe somewhat inconsiderate; but they aren't manipulative or abusive. I'll give some examples.

• You talk about him not respecting your boundaries about not having sex, but he actually did. You didn't want to have sex and y'all did not have sex. Him trying to talk with you more is... just how dating and building a connection works. Someone isn't receptive to something now, so you see if they're receptive to it later.
• The subtle changes in his behavior after you started liking him most often happen because the woman's behavior towards the man changes. Her treatment of him changes, and often becomes more overbearing and men pull back from that because it feels suffocating. In the words of Whitney Cummings: maybe he didn't gaslight you, it could be that he's treating you differently because you got whack.
• I agree with you about the sex talk being disrespectful. It's just not classy behavior and I wish men would stop it.
• Not telling you his name might sound a little odd, but it's a comfort level thing for some people. I once dated a girl who refused to give out her last name. She preferred to go by her first and middle name. She wasn't some covert narcissist abuser, she was just weird. (although she definitely turned out to be abusive in other ways)
• Him not being on social media for you to stalk is definitely NOT a problem. That's probably more a sign of his mental health actually being okay. And let's face it, people lie about all kinds of insane bullshit even when they have social media, so it's not like we're keeping things honest online anyway. I have almost no social media presence either.
• Let's say that he is bisexual or closeted. Y'all weren't having sex and you weren't close enough to have a legit relationship anyway, so who even cares?

I totally get why you did what you did, but you were REALLY reading into things way more than was appropriate. And you trying to expose him feels like a pretty big overstep, at least from where I'm standing.

[Asker]

This situation illustrates predatory behavior because it involves manipulation, coercion, and dishonesty with the intention of violating your boundaries and gaining control over the relationship. Here’s a breakdown of how these actions fit the pattern of predatory behavior:

1. Boundary Violation and Manipulation: You made it clear upfront that you weren’t in a space to have sex or be in a relationship, yet he used emotional manipulation to gain your trust. Even though he wasn’t pushy initially, he said things you “needed to hear” to make you feel safe, which is a common tactic in grooming or coercive behavior. Predators often present themselves as understanding and caring to break down emotional defenses and manipulate someone into letting down their guard.
2. Inconsistent Communication and Gaslighting: After you expressed an interest in taking things slow, his behavior shifted dramatically. His delayed responses and excuses followed by blaming you for needing to “heal” are signs of gaslighting. This tactic is used to make you doubt your own perception and emotions. By subtly withdrawing and then placing the blame on you, he’s trying to control the situation and avoid accountability, which is predatory because it manipulates your emotional state for his benefit.
3. Escalating Disrespect: The change from initial kindness to rudeness and disrespect during the date shows a “devalue and discard” pattern, which is common in predatory or narcissistic behavior. Asking inappropriate sexual questions and using insults (negging) is a tactic to break down your self-esteem and establish power over you.

[Asker]

4. Dishonesty and Evasion: Lying about his real name and showing annoyance when asked is a red flag. This kind of dishonesty indicates he may be hiding aspects of his identity or intentions, which adds to the predatory nature of his behavior. Predators often conceal important personal details to protect themselves while keeping others vulnerable.
5. Lack of Transparency: His secretive nature, including no social media presence and evasiveness about his interactions with others, creates an environment of uncertainty. Predators often avoid transparency to maintain control and keep their prey confused about their true intentions or other relationships.
6. Hidden Aspects of His Identity: If you suspect he is closeted or hiding his sexuality, it may indicate deeper layers of dishonesty. Predators often hide significant parts of their lives from their targets to maintain control, avoid vulnerability, or further manipulate situations.

All of these behaviors point to someone who is not engaging with you in a respectful or honest way. Instead, he’s using emotional manipulation, dishonesty, and control tactics to get what he wants, while disregarding your boundaries and well-being. This is what makes his actions predatory.

[ProbablyClueless]

I think what most people are trying to tell you in this situation is that that's just not how his behavior is coming across to the rest of us. The concerns you're raising make sense, but you're asking us to make a foundational assumption that he's being malicious and predatory towards you. That's just not how I'm processing the energy that most of his behavior is giving off.

A lot of the stuff you described sounds extremely normal when you're feeling out whether someone is a good fit. He seems to have pursued you in a fairly typical way to see if you would change your mind about him, you just weren't receptive to it... and that's perfectly fine... but that's not the same as coercion.

[Asker]

If he honestly liked me like you claim he could have ended things better and not ghost … it was never genuine

[ProbablyClueless]

Maybe, but it's also possible that he could have been genuine but simply changed his mind...

Guys' thoughts and feelings about relationships change over time. We have emotions. It's not like women are the only people who change their minds about relationships. It's also not like women are the only people who can handle situations like that extremely poorly.

[Asker]

He just wanted sex… the proof is there

[Asker]

And how could he have changed his mind when we barely got to know eachother

[ProbablyClueless]

See, I disagree with that. I don't think that proof IS there. I think you have read that into the situation.

[Asker]

But you weren’t in my shoes and you don’t understand how triggering and hurtful his actions were… I didn’t deserve that

So I wanted to get my lick back by digging up some dirt on him… he’s attracted to trannys so I posted a picture of the manly looking tranny that he follows and I called him a gay ass faqqot ass man. l tagged him in it.

He played me real bad… I don’t understand how you don’t see that

The more indifferent he acts the angrier I get…

[Asker]

Him saying “he wasn’t ready for a relationship but rejected me because I didn’t want to have sex… HE JUST WANTED SEX

[ProbablyClueless]

I'm sorry =\

I hope you'll be able to move on from the situation to find someone who appreciates you the way you deserve to feel appreciated.

[Asker]

He’s a faqqot ass man. Fuck him

[AviatorTom]

Your description sounds like a fairly common sequence of events when two people get together. He did not need to be exposed... he didn't do anything wrong. You are the wrong one, and the group was right in kicking you out.

In the future, try to be more accepting of people, especially when they are different from you and not what you expect. Look for positives in people rather than negatives, and try to not push your values on them. You'll feel much better, less stress, and enjoy life more.

[Asker]

Did you even read what he did?

[AviatorTom]

Yes I did. There's nothing he said or did that's criminal, or even disrespectful... maybe questionable, but not worthy of being "exposed". And that's exactly how your friends felt, and why they dumped you.

[Nikki1989]

The one saying that most men hate is “the truth hurts.”

No, you are not wrong at all.

[msc545]

You sound like someone he NEEDED to protect himself from. That group was right to kick you out.

[Asker]

What did I do?

[spartan55]

Yep, EVERYONE else is wrong, and you are right...