He ended the affair but won’t leave completely?

[Anonymous]

I will keep it brief. We are both married, and had an 8/9 year affair, it was only sexual in the last 3 years. Cutting it short, I think eventually it just ran its course, I was feeling bored with it towards the end, so I guess he must of too… there is only so far an affair can go before you hit a brick wall. When we got to the wall so to speak, I was happy to climb over and openly wanted more, this made him back track and distance himself, he didn’t want more and was quite happy with his current life. He ended things officially with me, and told me he didn’t love me but will always care, and that he chooses his wife and family.

I was upset, 9 years is a long time by anyone’s standards, and I very much felt inlove with him, but I listened and respected his decision and I left him alone. This was 7 months ago, and my god, I had never felt pain like it. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. I felt as though my soul had been ripped from my body, i physically hurt, and I couldn’t see a way out, I even thought of suicide. Luckily, the past 6 weeks I’ve felt much more like myself and have came out of that dark tunnel. Only, now I’m feeling better he keeps messaging, no way as constant and consistent as before, but every week or so he will check if I’m ok, or invite me out with mutual friends. It isn’t sex related as we wouldn’t be alone. I’m just confused, as to why he doesn’t just block me and get on with his perfect life. He ended the affair, so I didn’t feel a need to close communication that’s usually the others person’s decision, but he kept the communication open, not that I have ever taken the opportunity to message him, and I’ve never gone to him with my hurt, and even when he’s reached out I’ve remained civil but brief.

if he wanted nothing more to do with me, doesn’t feel how I feel, he knows I love him, but he chose his family why keep some slight connection between us. I’ve no doubt it’ll end completely within a year, but what’s he thinking?

[lightbulb27]

what I'm fascinated about is this is 9 years, with all these feelings up and down... and you can hide it from your husband/kids? howd you do that?

he probably doesn't want you to hurt and be ok and move on. its not like people think things through all the way.

tears for your spouses

there's a mountain under what you wrote chock full of the value. may not feel good to dig it up.

[Asker]

Yeh I’m not sure, I grew up in a very different way to other children, and learnt to lie at a very young age. I would say I’m excellent and can think fast in all situations. Obviously it’s nothing to be proud of.

What do you mean about there being things that wouldn’t be good to dig up?

[lightbulb27]

Basically you learned to survive by deceipt... lying... were trained at a young age to do so. Is that correct?

To get to the root of why you did what you've done and correct it, would be digging up the childhood damage and repairing it, establishing new patterns. But you weren't asking about that... you are trying to understand his behavior.

To invert my analogy, everyone is an iceberg and there's the stuff you see at the top, and all that lies in the core that isn't so seen. The pain you have comes from the core. Understanding your behavior, pain... that's the source of the way out. But most people either can't see it or don't want to trudge through it. So they keep repeating their old patterns til something breaks.

You aren't the only one to ever do this... it's all over the news all the time. The only thing that creates change... is pain and suffering. When there is discomfort it's opportunity to address the root issues, if so choose to do so. At your age, you are still in your prime... most people don't want to change or do work, just get what they want.

you can probably make a lot of $ with those skills. But in close relationships, not good.

[ProbablyClueless]

What he's thinking seems pretty straight forward. He directly told you exactly what he's thinking. He recognizes that the affair was a fantasy and that he doesn't want to step away from the life he has for it.

The affair didn't mean the same thing to him that it meant to you.

[Asker]

When he ended it, that’s exactly how he described it, as a “fantasy” and he said he couldn’t believe I was willing to throw away my life for a fantasy. I told him it wasn’t a fantasy to me and everything was real. I accepted that we felt different; and I haven’t tried to change anything, I walked away like a good little girl, just like he asked me too, I haven’t kicked up a fuss or caused a scene.

I just don’t understand why he wants to maintain some kind of minimal contact, or see each others on occasions. Does he really think we can go back to being “just friends”

[ProbablyClueless]

Gotcha. You have to remember that "just friends" is less of a change in the relationship for him than it is for you. He didn't see you as something more than a friend he would sometimes have sex with.

[Asker]

Well that’s sad, I feel given he how he knows how I feel/ felt, the kindest thing would have to cut all communication and let my feelings for him fade away, not keep some distant minimal friendship.

So imagine I take up his offer of meeting up with mutual friends (not that I have, neither am I planning too.) and we go out, we have a few drinks, we catch a taxi home together and I find my alone time with him. This is fine becus we are just friends, I make a move and for the first time ever he’s going to tell me no? Becus we are friends, but I’m not a friend he wants to have a sex with anymore.

All I know is men are confusing, and I’m just putting him and the situation down to one very big life lesson, and I’ve learnt and I’m still learning a lot from it.

[Asker]

He’s literally just messaged me, and sent me a message about him hating Christmas shopping. We haven’t spoke since Monday, when he messaged me videos of him and his little girl shoe shopping. I didn’t reply Monday. But I’m just curious of where his heads at. In my head he ended it clearly, we spoke daily for 9 years so this is very different for us, it doesn’t feel natural, and I’m really just considering blocking him. I don’t see how a friendship with someone I’m in love with, who I feel has hurt me deeply is something I should keep present.

[ProbablyClueless]

I'm sorry this whole situation has worked out the way it has. I hope you can find peace in your marriage and find a way to happiness in life.

[Anonymous]

Lol, you’ll keep it brief. 🤣

[Asker]

Believe me, of all the things I could write about the past 9 years that is brief 😅

[Danny_dan92]

Then you leave him. Are you that slow?