Guys, would you give up a relationship if you weren’t financially ready?

[Anonymous]

I had been seeing this guy for the last 6 months. He’s still carrying baggage from a divorce that occurred three years ago. His ex wife left him as he didn’t make enough money.

He’s been reluctant to take things to the next level with us as he says he needs to make a certain amount of money before he can feel like a man again. I’ve already told him his income is not what determines his manliness/attraction for me. He told me if my needs are not being met, he would like to be friends until he is closer to achieving his financial goals. So I walked away but it still hurt. Guys, would you give up a relationship if you weren’t there financially?

Yes

No

[SteveSmith1985]

I'm sort of in that boat myself. It's not about being a man. Its about it not being fair to try and attach someone to me... without being able to give them something better than what I've got going on.

I won't lie. If I had a girl who I liked, who was as into me as you seem to be into your man. Given you don't care. I'd definitely start a relationship.

BUT keep in mind that I don't have the same reasoning as your guy. See... my problem is basically solved by you saying "I dont care, I want to be with you"

If, however, I saw it as a hole in my masculinity (I understand that. I guess I frame it differently. But I get it)

If I DID feel that way, then I wouldn't get into a relationship. He feels like he is not able to be his full self. He does not want to get into a relationship until he feels like he's his full self again, and can give you the kind of relationship he would want to give you.

I think he's a lucky guy. I think he will regret not being with you, once you move on.

Question: Is there any near-term or medium-term realistic prospects for him to improve his income? Like does he have a plan for how its going to change?

I'm starting to get annoyed both on your behalf, and because I feel like this stubborn guy is going to miss (what I'll assume) is a good woman.

Also, what were the expectations when you started dating. Were you both looking for long term? Was it just for fun, but ended up becoming serious?

I'm not out there dating, because if it works out... what... I have to do what this guy is doing to you? That's not really fair: Unless this happened by accident when it started casual.

He might come around. I don't know, it depends on the guy. He could be stubborn until he dies. Or he could decide to change his mind tomorrow.

I hope you're quite comfortable yourself financially. and don't mind picking up some slack.

When I was young I used to always talk about how unimportant money was. Especially when compared to love.

Have... you ever been in a relationship where money was really tight? It truly does bring out the worst in people. It's a huge stress on a relationship.

I get where he's coming from to be nervous. You may say this now, but will you feel the same way a year from now? How about 4 years from now. You don't think that at some point you would start to resent having to use your money in greater proportion. Wouldn't you start thinking..."why am I doing this. I'll find a guy where I'm not taking care of him". And that makes sense. Just... make sure you know you can be happy with the financial reality.

I don't think there's much you can do to reassure him more than you already have. I hope this dummy doesn't let you go. I don't think you're all that common. He should see where things go. But... I don't think it's a matter of convincing him.

Good luck

🙂

[Asker]

Thank you for that 🙂. It’s an extremely helpful response.

When we started seeing each other, he was doing well financially and we were having conversations about wanting something long term. The first two months were great. However, third month in he got notice he’s going to lose his job. Since then, he’s been putting me on the back burner. He has been apologetic about it.

I’m trying to juggle both - be understanding of men wanting to provide while also knowing that as a woman, it doesn’t feel good to be kept at arm’s length or feel like you don’t know where your partner stands.

[SteveSmith1985]

Oh ok. To be honest, this actually makes a whole lot of sense. He's not being a dummy. I get this.

So his situation is actually quite different than my own. I can understand where he is coming from though. I can equally understand where you are coming from as well.

You have reason to know where you stand (as i figure it anyway). He truly means it that he just needs to figure out a new job before committing to anything long-term.

1. This guy has a job that pays well. He has learn he's losing that job. He will need another job to live (with or without you).

2. Either, he will be able to secure a new job that pays as well; or he will have an period of financial hardship (whether that's long-lasting or not. Whether he struggles a lot; or a little))

3. If he secures a new, well paying job easily. In that case, your long-term commitment problem disappears... poof!

4. If he cannot secure such a job; he goes through a period of unemployment or underemployment (a "struggling" period of unknown duration)

5. If he has to struggle, then YOU need to revaluate whether you want to continue or not with this relationship. It's a relationship where the economic terms you (and he) were expecting have changed (maybe drastically, or maybe minimally).

6. If you decide you want to continue in this relationship, and are willing to commit to him given his new economic reality. Only then, are you fucked. (only then, do you actually have this problem unresolved)

[SteveSmith1985]

So, he is no less wanting to take it to the next level. He is suddenly and unexpectedly hit by a bus. He will have to figure his shit out. Usually, if someone has a good job, they find another good job. He is understandably unsure of the future... until he figures it out (which he is forced to do regardless).

You are not on the backburner. Not at all. Not in terms of his interest in you, nor (as far as I am able to know) in his intentions to have a long-term relationship with you.

It makes sense that being on the backburner is precisely how you feel. According to all appearances that's where you are. Nobody should ever be on the backburner.

I really don't think you are on the backburner in his mind. I think you are in the exact same place as you were the day before he got the notice his job would end.

He is utterly lost in the wilderness... until he finds where he's going to work next. (and has a firm start date). I am sure he is trying as hard as possible to figure that out.

He cannot is unable and unwilling to commit to a relationship; while he's utterly lost in the wilderness.

He's working hard to figure this out. If you can put up with the unknown... until he knows (his next job). I expect you can pick things up right where they were.

I hope things work out for you

[Anonymous]

You have to understand, sure you may say his money is t what attracted you, but as a man having money is what a lot of us men feel we need to have to be that man. To be able to take care of your wife, your children. Men would give their girl the world if they could. I’m not so sure most women would do that as they tend to choose their happiness over everyone else’s, including their kids. Not all, but a lot. So for him to not have money in excess makes him feel less. I’m sure he would like to take you or whoever on trips, get them whatever they want. Not only that I’m sure his ex didn’t get e him for money either, at least not initially. Now look where he’s at. What I’m saying is that overtime that could happen w the two of you. Women tend to say they have no problem supporting their man, but that only last for a certain amount of time. Over time she may start to resent him. Especially if they want to have kids. I’m sure most women would want to stay home w the child while he supports the family. Taking care of the family financially is usually a masculine thing. So again over time women get tired of it. In answer to your question yes I’d probably give up a relationship. Again it goes back to providing for her. Because let’s say in a year we breakup over finances because we don’t have as much. Could it have survived had I made more money? There’s a better chance it would have.

[trumpetplayerforlife]

Don't get ns wrong I joke ans am a trophy wife but if my husband wasn't able to work anymore or didn't make enough I'd never leave him because the money isn't what matters to me

[Anonymous]

Of course not. Because what happens when he's financially ready, you get married (I assume), and then 3 years. Later one of you get diagnosed with cancer and it DECIMATES your finances. Look I hope this NEVER happens to either of you. But the point I'm making is LIFE HAPPENS it doesn't wait till you're ready and it doesn't care when you're ahead. I'm ALWAYS building, always saving for a rainy day. But after living this long I know you CANNOT prepare for everything. It's pointless to try.

The ONLY reason I would give up on a relationship regarding this matter is because I did not have faith that she was willing to weather the storm with me. And based on the fact that he's been married before suggests to me that either he doesn't trust you (now whether that's you or past experiences for him talking i can't say). Or he simply doesn't want a relationship with anyone really.

[sawno]

No I have a golden rule for relationships. Neither of us is allowed to leave because of an assumption that the other would want us to. The choice will always be in their hands.

Why would I leave if she wants me? If she doesn't and she feels the need to leave over my finances she should leave herself.

[Avicenna]

I wouldn't do that, but it sounds like he still hasn't recovered from the divorce and that would be a problem in a serious relationship.

[Shiprex]

Would I give it up? I wouldn't start one if I wasn't in a position to be able to walk away and not have to pay for someone elses lifestyle

[Anonymous]

If I thought she was the one, I would be willing to make it work.

[ProbablyClueless]

It's certainly possible, yes.

[Cyrus000]

I wouldn't

[Rohaan2020]

Yes, i would