Hi all, guys if a woman backs away with no drama because you've ignored her text why do you come back again?

[Anonymous]

And this has happened a few times on 1 hand im being told he isn't that into me but on the other he comes back with we have a good thing going and how he misses me then he disappears again.

It leaves me confused why doesn't he leave me alone? If I ignore his texts he bombards me with texts but if I send him 1 and he ignores me I get the hint and go away.

I'm done with it all I'm confused, feeling used and it's draining.

[HollyK21]

Does backing away with no drama equate to going ghost without a word? Because if you aren’t communicating how you feel and just going awol, then this isn’t him repeatedly coming back it’s him having no clue there’s an issue and that you allegedly want him gone.


Let’s play devils advocate and say that you did in fact tell him it’s over, what good does it do when you keep responding to his texts or answering his calls? It’s too often that a woman say she’s done with a guy when really it’s her effort to make him engage more or do whatever it is he wasn’t doing. That whole setup IS draining because you don’t seem to be standing on business when you say you’re done.


At this point he could say you’re playing games and be justified because so far, you’re never really done with him. You may argue or fuss at him for not responding but at the end of it all, a couple texts or phone calls from him translate to genuine effort in your mind and you take him back. You’ve got to break that cycle regardless of if it triggers some sort of change in him, the back and forth is just too messy.

[Asker]

I send him a message he ignores it a day after we have sex, I assume he's not interested so I don't send anymore texts, weeks will pass he will message me, I don't respond then it's multiple texts until I do and I'm like wtf is going on. When I'm with him he goes cold on me after sex when I message next day he ignores me so I just disappear.
He contacted me after a month and a half with, I miss you, you make my week when you are here, I responded that he goes cold on me, he replied I didn't understand. We met up had sex, I messaged him same thing happening again.
I don't honestly know it's to up and down for me, I'd understand if I was a baby reindeer type but 1 message a week and getting ignored. He is an adult he must know thats hurtful to anyone

[HollyK21]

Yikes. Well I don't know how you’ll feel about hearing this but it sounds like what you have going on is purely transactional and he’s using you for sex. He responds or comes back to receive it and then goes ghost. That may feel degrading, disagreeable or even embarrassing (assuming you didn’t agree to no-strings) but this is the arrangement you’ve created with him whether you intended to or not.

I’m not sure what exactly you’re looking for from him but you’ve got to pick the lane that feels most genuine. The way things are now, it’s very clear that he has not intentions of getting serious and the nature of your friends with benefits is very casual. Are you ok with this kind of casual? Because this is what it is, being ok with not hearing from him for weeks until he’s horny again. I have to believe that eventually, or even now, you’ll want more for yourself than what he’s offering.

[HollyK21]

You say he’s an adult and must know that ignoring the woman he’s screwing is hurtful, but this man is not caring about anything other than physicality. He is this cold about it because you have been allowing it. You try to cause minimal friction so therefore you most likely don’t say much when he comes back around and you end up giving him what he wants rather quickly and with minimal work. Where’s the thrill of the chase? He will not respect or appreciate what’s readily given to him even after a month.

[Asker]

When I delete him from social media because he ghosts on me he messages with why you fallen out with me? I haven't I'm moving on, isn't that what's supposed to happen if someone doesn't care or like you, you move on.
I'm out a long relationship and not been single since I was 16 but this isn't right. I'm reading up and various people online say he's not into you. So why come back and chase me, why ask if I've fallen out with him. It's just not right I don't treat people like that.

[Asker]

I'm not needy or desperate I don't beg for his attention or send messages I send only 1 he reads then ignores me.

[HollyK21]

I agree, it’s not right to treat people like that, so you should reflect and ask yourself why you’ve allowed it from him for however long. I say that with zero disrespect, it’s just a fact of the situation, which is that despite everything, you’ve allowed him to enter/exit your life. You pluralize the pattern: you delete him because he ghosts but then what? You clearly respond for this to be a repeated offense and you’ve got to ask yourself why is that.

Despite what various feedback you get from people online, nobody is in his mind, therefore no one can speak for him and actually Provide you with clarity for his behavior.

If you’re someone who’s been chronically taken since 16 then I think it’s safe to assume that actual relationships vs situationships or casual flings are what you prefer, so you should seek someone who wants that as well. Obviously that doesn’t mean diving straight into a relationship but instead being intentional with the time you’re investing in each other. When you’re not on the same page about that it create confusion such as what you’re dealing with because you have no clue what his intent for you is and you’re just riding wave. It becomes very unfulfilling and degrading though, because as you said, it isn’t right to treat people treat people like that. Like they don’t matter.

[Asker]

I just sent a message with back to ignoring me again OK and logged out of messenger and Facebook and just using my old one. To hell with that

[HollyK21]

You should’ve only sent that if you don’t plan on responding when he gets back to you. Otherwise it’ll just look like the same old, same old. Say one thing, do another.

[Asker]

I won't get back to him. I'm done with games he's a 40 year old balding drug addict with a drink problem going through a divorce who the hell does he think he is treating me that way