Why do I pull away when I actually like a girl, even though I want to connect with her? How can I stop this pattern?

[Anonymous]

This keeps happening to me, it is a pattern. I don’t play games or flirt, I’ve never needed to. The girls I’ve been with in the past usually made the first move, and things just flowed naturally.

But when I really like someone, everything changes. I go into “avoidant mode”, overthinking, getting anxious, and acting distant, even though I feel the opposite inside. I don’t want to play hard to get; I actually want honesty and openness. Still, my actions end up pushing them away.

I will give you a scenario, one of many but the pattern is the same:

For example, at a new job, a colleague showed clear interest, got my number, invited me to a party, even paid for my ticket. She hinted (in a very subtle way) she wanted to get closer (physically), but because I liked her, I panicked and pretended not to notice. In that particular place, I was not feeling myself, I was nervous (maybe I did not wanted screw the job rapport but I screwed anyway). And she noticed it. After that, she became cold, stopped talking, and eventually pulled away completely. She even told me when we had a clash at work " you have changed", but I really did not, I just wanted to connect at another level with her.

So the situation now is that the girl i like acts both awkward when I am around and a bit hostile, no communication , a friend even said she might fancying me by giving me hard time, but I can’t tell. It feels like when I catch real feelings, I start expecting to ruin it. Also I dont know if she hates.

Maybe I also overthink things, like believing girls don’t do casual stuff, so I act “proper” even when there’s clear physical interest. so I really want to live the moment without fall in love and screw it up.

I’ve been trying to work on myself (doing shadow work), but I really want to break this pattern and change my behavior — because I’ve lost amazing connections because of it.

[SueShe]

Overthinking is the key word here. Also, you have an issue with accepting the fact that you can be vulnerable if you don't do the first move and hit on that girl first. Perhaps it has to do with your personality, your education and the fact that what you describe makes me believe that you are the introvert kind of person even if you probably don't want to admit it.

You can train your approach, your attitude and expression in front of a mirror for example. Think of what message you want to bring across and rehearse it until you are satisfied. The next step is the most difficult one and that is the one where you have to put in practice what you learned and rehearsed. Good luck.

[Asker]

I am not really an introvert, but i do rely on vibes.. you need to make that easy to me and not subtle. And it is also in specific situations. And by the way, every time I become vulnerable I screw every thing, this prevents me to go all in, especially with specific instances like for example co-workers. I am afraid to screw and to be the gossip.

[Mariogirl09]

Man o man I was the same way in my 20s but I realized how I was acting was not helping myself in the situation so I buckled down and started showing people how I felt about them aka smilling. It was tough at first as I had a resting bitch face but once I got comfortable with it so did my personality

[Asker]

Thanks buddy, yes i do, i keep smiling but a wall has been created, is like that chemistry is gone but i know its still there. The point is that it is a pattern, is not a single case.

[Mariogirl09]

Therapy might help with the avoidant attatchment style or you're going to have to do some changing

[Mariogirl09]

You're going to have to pracitce

[Nikki1989]

It is what is known as an insecure attachment style. You are not pulling away because you don't like her; you are pulling away because you do like her. The higher the genuine interest, the higher the perceived risk, and the stronger your natural self-protection mechanism kicks in. You need to break that cycle.

[Asker]

Hi Nikki, thanks... but how you determine my attachment? This only happen when I do like her and I know its based on expectations

[In_Trance]

Therapy