My girlfriend I decided after a long time of getting ourselves mentally ready for it we were going to wear a swimsuit. I had been so overweight for so long that I had forgotten what a swimsuit felt like. I honestly stopped wearing them. I have not been in public in a swimsuit for years. It was almost electric for me to go shopping for them at the store. There were so many options it was hard to know what to choose. Many of the options were loud and tacky. I was looking and it was more about design than anything. They pretty much were all the same and I wanted a simple one-piece swimsuit for today anyway. I found a cute one with palm tree leaves that had a calm and relaxed feel to it.
I made sure I had a size that I would fit me and I was scared even looking at the size. I honestly still had a lot of hurt and painful memories from when I was overweight. There was always that fear that it would come back or that somehow, even with all the weight loss I would still be considered bigger than average girls. I just wanted to be the average girl. I had role played this with my girlfriend that I exercised with. And she gave me more than enough encouragement to do this, it was just that it was easy to say it but another thing to do it. She was going to come with me but she wanted me to do it on my own, to get comfortable with myself and battle the anxiety.
I slowly brought the swimsuit to the check out. I watched the woman to see if she would look at me funny or recommend that I don’t wear that. My fears jumped out at me as she spoke. “You have chosen a great pattern, I really love this! You are going to look so cute in it.” I breathed a deep breath. She was just saying that for the sale, she did not really mean that. I gently smiled and paid her for the swimsuit. I brought it out to the car and put it down on the passenger side. I fell out of the bag slightly as I put it down. I laid head on the top put of the steering wheel. Was I really going to do this? Was this going to be fun or was this going to be an exercise to break through the emotional pain that I felt? I remembered wearing swimsuits in a joyful way as kid, why could it not be the same thing now? But no, now is a different time, I felt different and I was different then I was back the then. I was not the same little girl.
Then I felt a voice, a little voice inside me say, yes you still are. You are and you still can remember! I am still here, you just chose to ignore me, you know to think grown up thoughts… Look at where those grown up thoughts got you! I rolled my eyes; my inner self and child was right. I slowly reached for the ignition and turned the key. I pulled my head away from the steering wheel and laid it in a lazy way against the head rest. I breathed in and sat up and just starting driving. I turned on music on the radio and just forgot where I was going and not try to think about it for the drive.
When I got there, I saw so many people. I was scared and was not going to leave the car. My girlfriend tapped on the window and beckoned me to come out. She had a bag of goodies for us including towels, drinks, suntan lotion and tanning reflectors. She smiled at me and I had no choice but to get out of the car. I grabbed the bag with my swimsuit and went out of the car. We walked down to the changing rooms and she asked me to stay with the stuff while she changed into her swimsuit. When she was done, she looked amazing! In fact, I saw a guy or two turn their heads to look at her.
She looked at me and said, now your turn. I froze for a solid minute. She could tell and she knew why. Go get it over with, she told me, you will be glad you did, trust me. I looked into her eyes and I slowly walked to the changing area. Other girls were in there and it just felt so raw and so real. I went into a bathroom stall. I took off my sandals. I pulled off my shirt and pushed down my shorts. Being in the changing room with just underwear on made me start to cry. I was crying tears. I was not ready for this, this was not the right time… Then I remembered my girlfriend out there. There was so much emotional pain. Then I channeled how I felt about this beach when I was a kid. I did not have a bra then. I took off my bra like it was a training bra. I was mentally picturing myself as my young self. Then I pulled off my panties.
I now had to open my eyes. I pushed my back firmly against the bathroom stall in anxiousness. I breathed in and out. I pushed myself and quickly threw all my clothes in the bag and pulled out my swimsuit. I stared at it, laying limp in my hands. I remember as a little girl doing ballet class with one of my girlfriends. I channeled that as best I as I could. I took my leg and pushed it through the stretchy fabric. I was half way in with the swimsuit hanging on my leg. I put my other leg in. I was now wearing them as a pair bands around my legs. It was time for the first big move. I had to pull them to cover my butt. I breathed in and pulled them up and felt them pull against butt and forcefully form it to be confined to the space it was given. My butt now felt featured. Before it was sitting normal, now it was forced into a form that did not feel natural.
Next, I had to pull the swimsuit over my stomach, I felt the swimsuit push the fat on my stomach and push it to make the whole surface even. I put my hand along my stomach to feel how it felt now. The shoulder straps were hanging down and begging to be put on my shoulders. But that meant on thing, my breasts would now have to be formed like my butt. This was it, could I do it? I slowly pulled up one strap and I felt it pull at my loose skin. I pulled the other one and felt my other piece of loose skin pull up too. It felt too tight… it did not feel right and my breasts sticking out made me feel even more uncomfortable.
I threw my back against the bathroom stall wall again. I could not leave. I was way too fat… I was.. “Are you ready yet?” My girlfriend asked. “I can’t … I can’t…” “At least let me see it you goof” I opened the door. Her eyes were locked, she dropped everything she was holding. I was scared but I had to confirm my fear. I went to a mirror. There was a girl standing in the mirror. But it clearly was not me. It could not have been me. I waved and she waved. I started freaking out. This was pretty stupid because I knew what my own body looked like, I had put on many pairs of tight clothing before and I have seen myself in the mirror before. I wanted to say that I looked fat. But I could not. I looked good. I looked really good.
My girlfriend still in shock, I walked outside, merely because I could not break myself from this dream. But then I saw that girl from high school again she was eating a large snickers bar and wearing a two piece with a very visible stomach and muffin top. She was so confident in herself that it partly made me laugh. Not because of her weight per say but because of how stupid I was being. If she could be confident then I could confident. I walked out and guys turned around but one guy approached me right away. “I have not noticed you before is this the first time you have been here.” Then another guy came up behind me, “Maybe we can show you around and get to know you a little better.” My turned to see my girlfriend jumping with glee and happiness for me and motioned to go. I had a big smile on my face and finally a renewed confidence in my body and in who I was.
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