Anyone had an eating disorder (anorexia or bulimia) but is now trying to lose weight?

[Lioness_81]

So I had bulimia when I was 16-19, then gained loads of weight in a relationship which ended when I was 22. I met someone else and, through competing with a semi-crush of his (who happened to be a glamour model) I ended up bulimic again, severely, until the age of 27ish when I had therapy and got on anti-depressants. I've been single for 5 and a half years, during which time the singledom, unhappiness and antidepressants have pushed my weight back up to an all time high. Ironically my eating disorder and depression are caused by low self esteem! So, I've got myself off the pills... but I'm struggling big time to lose weight. Has anyone else found this? I can't be sure if it's because I am scared I'll go back to the bulimia (it doesn't take long for me to begin throwing up again when I start trying to diet), if it's because the antidepressants have screwed up my metabolism, or if its just that I don't want to diet again because the only way I have any success is to become completely obsessed with food and what is and isn't ok for me to eat and it completely takes over my life and makes me severely miserable!! Any which way, dieting has never ended well for me (every time I've successfully dieted I've ended up with bulimia). Anyone else feel like this? Or am I just crazy, and lazy? I feel so disgusting as I am that I'm as miserable... but I at least don't have my head down the toilet for an hour a day... though I do often wish I hadn't "got better"... ugh. Anyone else, or is it just me?

[syrick]

you have to become focused. maintain a healthy diet. dont let yourself become weak and throw up. remember every time you throw up your showing yourself you are weaker than this "demon". dont let it keep control of you. take your life back its up to you. i recommend getting a therapist. i know they never seem to help but they will. also a dietitian would be smart.