How do you make stuff work with someone who has ADHD?

Question

So my boyfriend knew I ended things with the younger guy (I mentioned some months ago) because of his ADHD and that I felt totally forgotten about. My boyfriend then admitted that he also “used to have adhd” which I found strange because I didn’t know people could grow out of it. He told me he stopped taking his meds once he hit his teen years. Taking Preworkout became his new “way to focus” for the last 6 years, yet he claims he’s not addicted.

https://x.com/AdultingADHD/status/1546569037953523718

Looking at this old twitter post above of people with ADHD saying what they need for a relationship to survive is helping me to understand his behavior better. Its just so odd cause he was so great (though a bit clingy) up until this weekend. He just was so different, it was scary. And his form of adhd is different from my 2019 ex JT who was just hyper all the time. His is very similar to the younger guy I talked to before I met him. Both of their behavior is also similar to my most recent ex of 8 months (the seemingly bipolar alcoholic who claimed he had never been diagnosed but “could” have adhd as well).

I don’t know if I’m willing to make this relationship work/last but I want to at least try to be understanding of his random behavior this weekend. He told me as a kid, he had to take meds due to anger issues. I mean i notice he has abandonment and jealous issues (and is always trying to fight someone over me AND is afraid I’ll leave him), but I think he needs meds.

Would it be offensive to have a talk with my boyfriend tonight and tell him that although I’m not encouraging him to get back on his meds (15-20 years too late for that anyways), but that I want advice on coping with his“episodes”? I’ll word it better to him. I’m willing to tolerate this relationship at least until 4th of July since thats our vacay. If things worsen, I will end things after that. But I can’t do another 8 months like I did with the last idiot. #FeelFreeToList

Finchie40 · Accepted Answer

My ex and my son both have ADHD , it’s sadly not easy to deal with , learning to cope with someone with ADHD is a whole new realm , I been reading up on it a lot to try to understand it better , but sadly it’s hard to do. It’s like trying to learn a whole new language and learning to not get bent out of shape when they say some messed up things , most times they don’t realize their tone of voice is coming out the way that it is , it’s almost like they have no filter whatsoever. And sadly they have a harder time expressing themselves without coming off sounding like they are a complete asshole. Before I knew my ex and son were diagnosed with severe ADHD , I would lose my shit and defend myself , because of the shit that was coming out of their mouths , getting me to the point that I was ready to throw down and knock them out, I don’t hit girls’ but I came close a few times with my wife with the stuff she was saying to me and pushing my buttons to extreme , I did slam my son up against walls a couple times for his mouth and his actions , not realizing he really didn’t mean what he was saying. Their brains are sadly messed up , If they take their meds they seem to be more calm than usual but it doesn’t completely take it away , They are both on a high dose of Adderall which seems to help them focus more , but sadly not completely. I realized they are both completely out of control , I hate to say this , but you are probably better off moving on from your boyfriend and not putting up with that shit , it can easily mess you up in the head as well , you want to think you can handle it , but sadly you really you can’t. Someone with ADHD is better off dating someone that has ADHD as well, my son has dated a few girls’ so far and he treated those girls’ like shit , I would observe him and just shake my head as to WTF is he doing? Thinking to myself I didn’t raise him to be that way to girls’ sadly some of the girls’ he dated didn’t care that he treated them like shit and they would beg for his love , I will admit that was kind of funny to watch but sad at the same time. My son finally met a girl that has ADHD as well, and shockingly , they are actually good for each other , because they actually understand each other more, they keep each other in line for the most part , His girlfriend is a blessing to me lol. As for my ex, I told her to do the same thing as well, because I could no longer handle her back and fourth emotions and aggressiveness. anymore, that’s why I don’t hate my wife , her and I are still somewhat friends now that I kind of know what she is going through in her head , I just realized I can no longer be with her anymore, it’s sadly a very hard relationship to be in with someone because once they snap? They are completely out of control to a point you really don’t know who they are anymore , kind of like Dr Jekyll Mr Hyde , so no matter what you do or say it won’t stop them , they can only stop themselves, I taught myself to just walk away and not really take it to heart but sadly it leaves a constant question mark over your head. My wife and son’s out of control rages , has got them into some serious trouble with the law through the years , I had the cops at my house a bunch of times for them not being able to control themselves , breaking shit , starting fights , etc.. over the littlest things , my advice to you is to get away from that shit Des , especially since you said he starts fights for really no reason at all. He honestly sounds like my son somewhat with the fighting. My son has already been to jail because he fights and doesn’t back down. He is 19 and already has a record. He would have more but some of the kids he beat up didn’t press charges. I been trying to get him all the help I can give him , he had to go to anger management classes and counseling, same as my wife , they both are out of control and sadly there isn’t really much you can do.

DJB72 · Accepted Answer

I was diagnosed with ADHD at 40. As a kid in my teens the condition wasn't recognised so I had problems at school in class and rarely did homework unless it interested me.

That's what people don't understand. The term "attention deficit" is a misnomer. ADHD means your brain is literally wired differently to the majority. You see patterns others miss and your thoughts race like a F1 car with a nitrous oxide booster. We need constant stimulus to keep us intrigued. Otherwise we get very bored very fast.

Historical figures like Einstein and Da Vinci demonstrated many traits of ADHD so it's not a new thing, just previously unrecognised.

The big thing is our personalities run the whole spectrum. You get nice guys and assholes with ADHD exactly as with neurotypical types. If you're not OCD - actually OCD not "a little bit" (there's no such thing) - then an ADHD guy likely isn't the best fit for you as well tend towards being a chaotic influence simply because of how our brains work.

Also, while you get mild and severe cases, ADHD isn't something you're "a bit" of. Either you are, or you're a lazy fuck using an excuse.

NathanDavis · Answer

I don't exactly now about ADHD because I don't have it myself, but I could tell you that I did have a little bit too much of OCD, and few other things that it could possibly have needed medication, and for sure could have used some professional therapy

all these were much more present and problematic when I was a younger (kid and early teen years) and, although I went without medication and no professional therapy... these issues became more manageable and also I became way more used to it... and I do believe that my natural adjustment/development up there in the melon with a brain, also made a big difference in the progress...

our brains do change, evolve and adjust a few times in our lives (the last shake around 24/26 years of age) so I do guess that yes... for some people with ADHD, it might get a bit better or much better than they can feel "it is gone" or "has gone dormant" (which is what I consider my quirks to be... not gone but remain dormant somewhere in the deep surface) moreso... if they have gotten professional help and/or medication

mandyfire98 · Answer

Everybody is different with some things in common with ADHD. I have ADHD and it's not severe or anything. Yes I do get scatter brained, yes I get impulsive sometimes, I procrastinate a lot, I have issues staying on task sometimes but with other things it's tunnel vision. It's something I constantly have to work on everyday. It's not perfect and my partners usually have to keep me focused on things from time to time but it's absolutely manageable with some people. It's never caused any relationship ending situations.

MysticDevice · Answer

Oof. ADHD is kind of a tricky bastard. It is possible to grow out of it so to speak. I had it in elementary school but I refused to take the meds cause it made me sick.

So now its just ADD. All I can really say it that I never put expectations on any partners to deal with it. I tried my best to keep it all on my end.

It worked for the most part. But I have a close friend with pretty bad ADHD and it is really tricky sometimes. She's chaotic, forgets things within seconds of being told, super fidgety, and deliberately tries to irritate me cause she has too much energy and doesn't know where to put it.

I hate to say it but sometimes there isn't a nice way to deal with it and being a little mean is the only way to get a message through.

I should also clarify that in this case, she's had feelings on and off for me for a while. I thought about going out with her but based on the chaos from just being friends I knew a relationship would end badly.

MicahRaine · Answer

I don't have any concrete advice.

I mean Raine and I both have mild ADHD (most people do) and we just have fun together doing things whether it's chores or literally playing tag or chasing wild animals lmao

I'm curious if there's any chance he was acting so different because he was around family. If that's what's going on then it would make more sense in my opinion. For context, Raine and I know that because of family complications we have to be pretty different around family, and we're okay with that.

That would not be at all rude. That would actually be super kind and thoughtful. If he takes offense at you wanting to understand him more and be closer to him than that's a red flag.

Texasgal95 · Answer

You have to be patient with them and know that a lot of the things they do aren’t because they’re trying to be annoying or hurt you. It’s just their brain is wired a little differently so you gotta know things are gonna have to be done a little differently than somebody that does not have ADHD, you have to repeat yourself a lot and things like that. I’ve never been diagnosed with ADHD but I sure do have some of the tendencies that people that have been

exitseven · Answer

I guess that since half the population has been diagnosed with either depression or ADHD there must be a lot of information about it. Learn about exactly what it is and how it works. Do research about relationships and the effect of ADHD on relationships. The more you know the easier it will be to make this decision.

Justneedtokno · Answer

Number one thing be patient sometimes you may have to repeat for us sometimes is frustrated. We trying to get it right sometimes one ear and out the other. Find one that’s going to therapy. Find one that’s doing the work. Find one that’s already made little ways for herself or himself. Understand that they’re not trying to ignore you at all, but after a while, they may be withdrawn from situations because they may be overwhelmed and underwhelmed.

electromagnetic · Answer

Sorry about your relationship girl. It happens sometime. You’re not an idiot. You’re just caught up on loving someone.

RavVid · Answer

I know nothing about ADHD but I think relationships are hard enough without additional probs. I'd pass.

talka20 · Answer

why still goin on the trip im ccurious? no I've not read any comments so I don't know if uve already mentioned

MemeSupreme · Answer

i don't think that's adhd but just anger issues lol

SotiCoto · Answer

Okay. You've lost  bold  and  italic  privileges...  ... I've no idea what you were writing. I got distracted by your questionable formatting choices.

Phoenix98 · Answer

I have no idea I've never dated someone with ADHD I'd have to be in that situation first to be able to give you advice on it.

justabuddy · Answer

Sorry.. not really my area of expertise. I would try s few things before dumping him though. All relationships take work.

Markymark92 · Answer

Nothing wrong with a talk, just don’t come off harsh

Abdulwahh · Answer

Was your previous boyfriend hyperactive or hypo active meaning lethargic?

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