Do you have trauma that you managed to completely overcome?

[genericname85]

[Genie23]

Yes except one. I’ve faced some traumatic.. really disturbing experiences in my life, and it took me years to heal. For a long time, I couldn’t even express what I felt.. I tried to push it away and pretend I was fine. But I eventually opened up and shared it with someone I trust. Once I cried it out and stopped being in denial, I started feeling like I'll be alright. I eventually managed to move past those traumatic experiences except one... and that is, the sudden loss of my uncle and the cause of his death. I was barely 18 when he died and I was very close to him. I was mad at him for a while, but when I found out he's sick and in the hospital, I decided to talk to him and give him a big hug... but he never came home. I never got to say that I forgive him. I never got to say I'm sorry. I wanted to say I love him. But he was gone. It still affects me every time I get reminded of him. But because of this, I learnt to be very forgiving because you never know.

[genericname85]

what did you have to forgive him for?

[Genie23]

For being disrespectful to my mum and disappointing me. We had an argument (only once in life) when I intervened because he came home drunk and started fighting with my mum over something. We were visiting naani and so was he. He had a drinking problem and it affected his life and relationships.. but he never behaved this way. But that day not only was he disrespectful, he said some hurtful things to her. My mum always treated him like a son as he was younger. She recovered not too long ago and was feeling really disturbed by this.. So, I felt protective of her. We argued and ended up hurting each other. He took a step back at some point. I was a stupid teen who felt "that's the real him. He hurt us once. He'll hurt us again. I don't want to do anything with him"

He tried to talk to me every time he visited our city and bought my favourite food and stuff He used to call my mum and ask her about me often. I just wasn't ready to talk to him. He made a mistake but he tried to fix it. I was at bigger fault for not being able to let it go. So, I needed to apologise to him too.

[Genie23]

I think the fact that he was gone before we could fix it made it much more difficult for me to cope with it.

[genericname85]

so basically you're beating yourself up cause you didn't manage to recover from the pain he inflicted on you before he died? man. I don't know how to feel about that. it almost seems like you're making youself feel bad for something he did.

[Genie23]

I mean, they ended up sorting things out and never fought again. I intervened and held things against him. Everyone deserves being forgiven unless they committed a gruesome crime. So, I felt like I was hard on him.

I guess you're right. I shouldn't beat myself over it.

[genericname85]

yeah but were you wrong for doing that? was your reaction not justified? i mean it was unfortunate that he died before you were ready to forgive him. but is that your fault?

[Genie23]

I think the fact that he saw me as a daughter hurt him that I chose to talk to him the way I did. That's why I felt I was wrong, but if I don't think about how he felt... I think my reaction was justified. I think anyone would feel protective of their parents if someone was unfair to them.

[genericname85]

yeah exactly. so i think for him it doesn't matter cause he's dead right? sounds harsh but that's what it is. so the only one it now matters to is you. and you forgive him right? But now you're stopping yourself from getting the emotional release from that by thinking "i should have told him that". when really whether you told him that or not doesn't make a difference for him anyway at this point right? am i being too morbid here? dead people can't feel remorse or forgiveness. and since he wasn't dead when you treated him like that, i think you were acting exactly right. he began making up for the shit he did. he did as he should right? so really at this point both of you didn't do anything wrong. death just ended things so really what makes it sad for you is the story not continuing. you had a future in your mind where the tension gets resolved. but i think you can still have that. cause you can likely empathically understand how he would have reacted and felt right?

[Genie23]

What you wrote was just hard for me to accept, and I needed some time to process it. What you said really helped me see things differently. I forgave him a long time ago... even though I’m not religious, and I don’t believe in an afterlife. But if I did, I'd have like to think he isn’t in pain anymore and he knows that I forgave him.

Because of this sudden loss and the guilt I carried made me extremely forgiving with people for a long time. Some old friends, relatives, even my ex took advantage of that, and I had to learn the difference between forgiving someone and letting them hurt me again. When to forgive and when to just walk away.

If there’s one positive thing that came out of all this, it’s that I developed a strong dislike for alcohol. I’ve never had a drink in my life because of what I saw growing up how it could end up ruining relationships. I learned from his mistakes instead of repeating them.

[Genie23]

Thank you for your help.

[genericname85]

I'm happy my perspective helped a little bit. sudden loss is always tragic and traumatic and feeling guilt is a common response we have cause that helps us with the lack of control that we experience i think. the reality is we are completely not in controll when death happens. and that's really the true pain of it. not the fact that there was unresolved personal stories going on. i think you would have forgiven him eventually and he knew it cause if he didn't know that, he wouldn't care to even try to make it up to you right? so i think he knew you just weren't ready and he was working to get there when suddenly he lost his life.

forgiveness can be a dangerous tool that invites malevolent actors to abuse you. Whenever you forgive, it's important to never forget. Forgive but stay vigilant cause people will likely do things again.

As for your opinion about aclohol: nothing wrong with hating alcohol. there's litterally no healthy ammount of alcohol you can drink. it's a poison and staying clear is best.

[Genie23]

So true. I could relate to everything you said. Yes, he made efforts because he knew deep down that I still cared about him deeply and will forgive him. I feel he wouldn't want me constantly blaming myself for what happened in the past and focus on the good memories instead.

Exactly. That's what happened. Sadly it took me years to realise that people will likely do it again and that people will use my forgiving nature to hurt me over and over again. But it's still better I finally realised it than to never learn. 😅 So, I've come a long way.

Indeed but it also made me not want to date anyone who drinks alcohol and oh boy, that wasn't easy 😂 9 out of 10 drink so I stayed single for a long time in my 20s. But yeah, as always... It was really nice talking yo you.

[genericname85]

yeah it's shocking how many people drink. i used to drink only in social settings. so not an alcoholic myself. but i learned later in life so many social settings i used to drink in were structured and organized by alcoholics because they were addicted not cause they necessarily wanted to hang out with me. or maybe they did want to hang out but would they if there was no alcohol involved? i'm not sure. like i still drink a beer or 2 but very rarely and it's always a social thing. I don't know why this is such a big thing culturaly. like i'd be as happy sharing a freshly pressed orange juice with my friends but for some reason, it's the cultural norm to drink a beer xD

very nice talking to you too :)

[Genie23]

It’s actually refreshing to hear someone say they’d rather have a freshly pressed juice with friends. 😁 Some of my guy friends told me they didn’t even like drinking at first, but felt they had to.. otherwise it’s considered rude. It’s so common here too that if you don’t drink, you’re the odd one out. So, I’m always that awkward one who orders soft drinks… I’d much rather have chai or coconut water, but bars (my friends insist I join them) don’t have those things, lol.

But yeah, I get it. 😅

[genericname85]

yeah i think not even liking it at first is a very common thing. so i don't know where i know this from. it may be false. but as far as i know there's a genetic component to it. there's some people who as they drink they feel really good and so they wanna drink more to feel even better. and i heard you can even check for this trait by measuring the heart rate after a drink. if it goes up for you, you're one of these people. and then there's the complete opposite of people, wich i guess you are and i definitely am that do feel that it gets easier to laugh at stuff and inhibitions drop but also we keep feeling worse the more we drink. like it doesn't taste good and at some point you get dizzy and nauseous which isn't a good experience.

[Genie23]

That's really interesting and I noticed that too. Some people become really happy and carefree when they drink.. become even the life of the party. Some get easily annoyed and pick fights, while a few others get really dizzy/sleepy.

Many years ago... A former friend of mine decided to put some beer in my cold drink while I went to the washroom to wash my hands before touching anything at the table (I’ve learnt never to leave my drinks or food unsupervised). When I took a sip, it tasted really bad. I asked her, 'Is this a thumbs-up drink? It tastes very weird and bitter.' She said maybe I was coming down with a fever or something and asked me to try it again. I took another sip, and soon I couldn’t sit properly anymore. I felt very dizzy for a while before getting sleepy.

She was saying some stuff, but I was just laughing or giggling—that’s what she told me later when I became sober. I remember not being able to walk. Had to take her support. But yeah, I absolutely hated the taste and hated how she tricked me into having those couple of sips. At least she stayed to keep me company and didn’t leave until I was completely sober as she didn't want my parents or brothers to find out what she did. XD

[Genie23]

And yeah, I felt nauseous too. So, I'd say it's not false.

[genericname85]

wtf that's a messed up friend you had there. seriously. poisoning your drink and then gaslighting you about that. who the fuck does that?

[Genie23]

Scary how only couple of sips made me so dizzy.

Yeah… that wasn’t even the worst thing she did. She once locked me in a dark room as a ‘prank,’ even though she knew I was terrified of darkness. I panicked. I only got out when she opened the door after realising I was in tears.

Later, she kept pressuring me to date and have sex with someone, even though I clearly said no. One day she insisted we meet since it had been a while. I told her I could hang out for a bit but needed to go home soon because my family was waiting.

When I got there, I was shocked to see, her boyfriend, and another older guy (both seemed in their 30s and she was in late 20s). I was in my early 20s and very innocent. She pretended it was a coincidence, kept pressuring me even when I said I can't, and then took me to a farmhouse.

During dinner, the guy made inappropriate comments.. then... well long story short.. after dinner, she said she'll be back soon and they went somewhere leaving me alone with that creep. I kept asking him to leave me alone and kept leaving the rooms. He followed me, cornered and tried to kiss kiss me. I pushed him away and screamed. They came and he backed off.

Needless to say, we aren't friends anymore.

[Genie23]

You see why I said I was way too forgiving and some people don't deserve it

[genericname85]

i guess the upside is that if that's your friend, you'll have a tough time finding a worse enemy xD

[Genie23]

There's a dialogue from an old movie " who needs an enemy when you have friends like this?" 😆

But yeah, that's one way to look at it 😂

[YTuber417]

I always felt that you can never truly overcome trauma, rather you just learn better how to control and react to it instead of it controlling you. I've "overcome" mine.

[genericname85]

Yeah managing it to the point where it doesn't. Effect you negatively anymore is what I'd count as having overcome the trauma

[YTuber417]

Well, personalities form around weaknesses. Similar to a scar, it may heal, but it will never the be the same again.

[genericname85]

Yeah but you can function right again despite these mental injuries

[Anonymous]

Yes, when dentist was drilling my teeth with no anesthetic. It was really horrible.

[genericname85]

dude we're both the same age! that shit was normal back then. they were like "don't be like a pussy, this doesn't hurt", while your parents stood next to you being like: yeah don't be such a wuss. xD i rember that shit like wtf, am i the only human that feels pain in their mouth? my freaking grandma actually ENJOYED going to the dentist.

[Opinion Owner]

Exactly, I know the feeling... what a nightmare.

[Opinion Owner]

Thanks for the MHO

[robocop666]

yup loads of them and more than you

[genericname85]

Well that's one trauma screaming at me that you apparently didn't deal with yet. What makes you think this is a competition?

[robocop666]

its not I have had a horrific life mark my words.

[genericname85]

Yeah sure. People have horrific life's. You don't know me. Your previous statement hat a touch of narcissistic grandiosity, which is a trauma response. That's why I said there's still something unresolved there.

[robocop666]

there's no narcissism in me mate. I seen bad things in this lifetime.

[genericname85]

Yeah I believe you you have. But you don't have to belittle my trauma. Assuming you had "more" as if it's a competition. It's not a competition. It's invalidating. It's grandiose behavior associated with narcissism. Not saying you're a narcissist just telling you that if you do that. People will feel invalidated and someone who's unreflected will likely react with aggression. So if you communicate like that, you're likely gonna meet aggression

[genericname85]

does it make sense to you that it feels invalidating to someone when you say that "your trauma is worse than theirs" without ever even knowing what their trauma was?

[robocop666]

good point. ok we both saw bat stuff. I recommend energy hearling and hypnosis. I am talking from experience.

[genericname85]

:D i wasn't trying to make the point that my trauma was actually as bad as yours. just trying to make the point about communication that will make it more likely for you to have people relate with you and not show you aggression which i'm assuming aggression is not the reaction you prefer right?

anyway thanks or the sharing of your methods of healing. me personally i'm not entirely done with overcoming it. i'm still doing therapy using internal family systems (IFS). i think it works really well and i'm happy to hear that hypnosis did the job for you. personally i don't believe in hypnosis and i think the crux of it is that it only works for people who do believe that it works xD i guess i can't just decide to believe in it.

[robocop666]

no this shit works. Evergy healing is the best though. I saw excellent practitioners. Boy did I have problems.

[genericname85]

nice that it worked for you man.

[jazzy34]

Yes I have.

[genericname85]

i'm curious what it was if you're open to share that.

[jazzy34]

A family member threatened to kill me over something trivial.

[genericname85]

yeah can see how that'll need some work to deal with it. how did you manage it?

[jazzy34]

Just moved on with my life.