Emotional Abuse...A Weighted Issue!

[CuteBratBella77]

Hey! OK so I'm just getting to really deal with this issue I've been dealing with my whole life. I've forgiven my father but really dealing with the after effects I never did, thinking forgiving would make it all go away. Um...NOPE! I started gaining weight at 6yrs old and am still obese at this point. Anyway...throughout my child/teen years my father thought maybe being a little brutal would drive me to lose weight. He's no longer like this in any way, he's still vain but not demeaning! Anyway, he would have me weigh in weekly and call me names like pig, cow, beast, and statements like "no one wants a fat wife", "fat people can't have sex or have babies", etc... I've been dating this guy (first bf) for awhile and we are talking marriage. But I find my hang ups effect so much of my life...money, attitude, confidence, happiness. I can be very sceptical of things cause I feel why wouldn't someone want someone better, better looking, someone perfect. This obviously effects out relationship. He's always assuring me that I am enough, perfect, awesome. But I can't believe it cause I can't see past my fat! I know I'm a great person inside...but my body...not so much! I'm planning to have gastric sleeve surgery this fall. I have a mental block and finally said I need help with losing weight. I just can't achieve a goal weight wise cause I feel I'm not worthy of success. That's what I was told...I'm not worthy of love, money, success...cause I am fat. Anyone have similar issues or did? How did you overcome them? I am a faithful church go'er but I even assume I'm not worthy of God's help...although I KNOW that's not true! I'm a hot mess! LOL! So glad my guy is patient but I still want to be the best I can be for me and him! Especially in a marriage! :-)

[Amanda2]

What you are describing are insecurities you have to learn to love, accept and value yourself for what you are. Deep down you know that you posses some qualities that no other person on this said earth carries. I was like you, I haven’t overcome it as yet but I am getting there. When you let your dad’s words get to you and the way you live your life, you are not hurting anyone else but yourself. For, at the end of the day he is living his life comfortable.

Self love is crucial. Your words have power, especially over you. Whining about your problems makes you feel worse, not better. If something is wrong, don't waste time complaining. Put that effort into making the situation better. Unless you want to whine about it forever, eventually you'll have to do that. So why waste time? Fix it now.

Don't talk about what's wrong. Talk about how you'll make things better, even if that conversation is only with yourself. And do the same with your friends or colleagues.

The past is valuable. Learn from your mistakes. Learn from the mistakes of others. Then let it go. Easier said than done? It depends on your focus. When something bad happens to you, see that as a chance to learn something you didn't know. The past is just training; it doesn't define you.

You may just scare that guy away and end uo feeling worse and worthless. Learn to love yourself. Because this world is a reflection of ourselves. If we don't find love in our selves we won't find it outside ourselves either.

You can’t take care of yourself so you won’t be able to take care of him and like you said You won’t find his love important and you wouldn’t be happy since you are not happy with who you are how will they be happy with you?

See yourself as beautiful everyday it helps all the best

[CuteBratBella77]

WOW! You are so encouraging! Thank you so much for this pep talk! :-) It helped me alot! Your right...I should just nip it in the bed right then then let it rule my attitude for however long! Thank you so much for this reminder!

[Amanda2]

It's something I am recovering from myself, so I know how you feel. I am glad to help

[Anonymous]

You have to reprogram your automatic negative thoughts. Look into Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.

[CuteBratBella77]

Thanks for the advice! :-)

[Opinion Owner]

It takes a lot of work -- you're essentially rewiring your brain. But it does work. I've done it and have seen others -- some with personality disorders -- really make progress from regular practice.

[CuteBratBella77]

I'm willing to try it! Especially if it's gotten positive results! I just want to start loving me for who I am and see what others' see? It's hard to explain...but it hurts being down on myself so much!

[Opinion Owner]

I struggled with harming myself and felt many of the same feelings you did, in various ways. CBT helps you quell destructive thoughts and learn to think positive thoughts. Not like, Pollyanna or delusions, but ways of thinking that help you stick to positive life goals. Like "I am a kind and considerate person. I deserve to be treated well. I will treat my own body well through healthy living." That's a simplified summary, but that's kind of how it works. You brain thinks how its trained.

[CuteBratBella77]

Indeed it does! Thanks so much! :-)

[Opinion Owner]

Best wishes!

[Deft_maiden]

Well said and chosen

[budphillips]

Fat people can definitely have sex and have babies, your father does not sound very educated IMHO.

Also it's going to be difficult to have a serious healthy relationship if you are this insecure about yourself. Get professional help, see a psychiatrist or something. Good luck love.

[Anonymous]

You should try working out at a gym. You'll develop self-confidence and put out the fat thought.

[CuteBratBella77]

thanks! yes I actually do have a membership at a YMCA. I've tried all sorts of diets and "the old fashioned way" on and off for years since I was little. The gym definitely helps blow off steam and help me be more positive. Thank you! :-)

[CorneliaisPretty]

My dad is kinda like your dad, and now I'm bullimic even though I'm considered a normal weight. I feel you girl!

[ImSoSozzled]

Have you ever tried eating healthily and exercising? I guarantee that any weight you lose from surgery, you'll put right back on.

[CuteBratBella77]

Yes I have tried eating HEALTHY and exercising, thanks for asking! LOL! Not everyone does this just to lose weight quickly and not make actual changes! There are those that understand what they are doing. The point of my question is not about how to lose weight and it's about dealing with emotional abuse. Thanks...

[ImSoSozzled]

"Eating" is a verb. Adverbs modify verbs. Adjectives modify nouns. "Healthy" is an adjective. "Healthily" is an adverb. You're welcome for the 4th grade English lesson.

Now, if you are able to, try putting your ego aside and really listen to my advice. The reason I focused on your weight loss was because it seems to be the main issue here. ("But I can't believe it cause I can't see past my fat!") and the abuse and weight problems have lead to a lack of confidence,

[ImSoSozzled]

which natural weight loss would do a way better job of increasing and also make you healthier, as opposed to taking the lazy way out with surgery. I'm not going to waste time trying to convince you though because if you had the willpower to do it, you wouldn't be asking this question. I'll help you if you want, but you seem like you've already talked yourself into it.