Originally I started out this little adventure on an internet quest to find a good gift to get my brother for Christmas. It soon became apparent that all men's gift lists involved shaving kits, grill accessories, everything to do with alcohol, and monthly subscription boxes for the man who wants monthly manly things. On such a list of some 200 items for men, I noticed some gifts I could never imagine actually giving to any man I know or any man I know actually liking the fact that I gave it to them because they are indeed some of the worst gifts you can give a man for Christmas.
1. Bonsai Tree
Description: A great gift for your guy to mediate with while pruning
I can hear the reaction now....
Him: "Oooohhhhhh a treeeeeeeeee, what do I do with it?"
Me: "Well, you prune it and meditate with it, duh. Isn't it obvious?"
I mean how would I even wrap this? If I put it in a bag, the dirt is getting loose along with all the bugs that live in that dirt. Also does this mean I have to also like buy some pruning tools...because all guys want for Christmas is pruning tools.
2. Hide a key
Description: He’ll never be locked out again (unless he loses this, too).
By even the lowest standards, this is a sh-tty gift right up there with "another sweater," and "another can of Axe." This is a sh-tty gift even if there were 3 other gifts in the box with it. The fact that anyone seriously thought out loud that this is what their husband, or brother, or son really wants for Christmas, let me go get them a fake rock to hide his keys, is mind boggling. Now, yes, I know what you may be thinking...actually that may be a good gift for someone who does genuinely lose their keys a lot, BUT this is the gift you hand someone who's forgetful on a Tuesday in May. You don't wrap this sh-t up in a nice box with ribbon and a bow and put it under the Christmas tree thinking your guy is going to absolutely love it.
3. DIY Wine Bottle Santa
Description: When you need a quick DIY gift for the holidays there’s nothing quite as effective as a bottle of wine. But that can be a bit impersonal when it’s all by itself, so dress it up to look like Santa and you’ll show that you took some extra steps.
(Face Palm)...this one made me really think that you might actually be the one or two humans who think that it IS always the thought that counts. This gift implies that I would have to sew this thing together with a sewing machine or the sewing skills that I don't actually posses to apparently impress the guy in my life. Are you impressed by this? Are you going to show this off to your buddies over your cheese platters with your Beethoven twinkling in the background and let them know how absolutely thankful you are that your bottle of Montrachet Grand Cru Domaine des Comtes Lafon now looks like a 3rd graders crafting project?
4. Shaving Bib
Description: One end attaches to his neck, while the other suctions to the wall to catch all the little hairs that would have otherwise ended up scattered in and around his sink.
I'm nearly 10,000 percent sure that your guy would rather the whole entire bathroom start growing it's own full fur's worth of hair all over it from his lack of cleaning up his shavings than would your guy willingly actually wear a shaving bib like he's some kind of messy 1 year old.
5. Leather Bound Journals
Description: Self explanatory
Feast your eyes on this artifact. This was ye old Cloud from 1896. Ask yourself, when is the last time any of us saw or used our own handwriting outside of writing a check? I mean, how does one upload images onto the paper for others to see and share? Did you know it takes 12 trees to make one notebook and that you're supporting the slaughter of baby cows by buyi...okay, good, nevermind.
6. Aromatherapy Diffuser
Description: Sometimes you just need to relax. It’s great for de-stressing after a heavy workout session, a long day in the office, or just a big argument.
If your guy were perhaps a wizard, but sadly he is not.
7. Date Night Box
Description: This box includes games that’ll provide some entertainment while bringing you closer together and solidifying your bond even more. No more boring nights at home with this gift!
These boxes were created by women for women to give to men for women. The male equivalent would be something like him giving his girlfriend/wife a pan and saying "because you may someday want to cook for me."
8. Bacon Tie
Description: Ties usually get an eye roll from guys because they’re so cliche as a gift.
Okay, so I had to stop the description there because there is literally nothing you can say after that that would improve upon what even the writer of the description knows to be true. I mean look at this guy....he's clearly in witness protection going by the name Larry Hogsworth or something to try to throw off anyone who may be onto his pork like scent and location.
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