The Most Bizarre New Year's Resolutions I've Came Across in my Life

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The Most Bizarre New Year's Resolutions I've Came Across in my Life

According to polls taken here in the United States of America, the most common New Year's Resolutions for people going into the year of 2019 are to exercise more, to lose weight, to start dieting, and to become more organized. Per usual, by the time March storms here, people will be chugging green beer, having a meltdown because their summer body is still their winter body, and will be frantic as their house remains a wrecking ground.

With that being said, it's comforting each year to make these exciting, yet, bland resolutions, because they've become a norm in this culture by now. It's almost like smoking the cigarette after sex, or eating a Subway sandwich before molesting a kid: It's American!

Below are five New Year's Resolutions I've came across from people I've came across in my life. And before you ask, I can assure you these people are serious. The list is in no particular order; except for number one, because that one deserves its own spot for its own absurdity.

5. 2006: A Freshman Odyssey-A 15 Year Old Male Makes a Resolution to Eat Fast Food Every Day of the Year

The Most Bizarre New Year's Resolutions I've Came Across in my Life

I'll start out with something easy: Picking on teenagers. At my high school at the time, there was an overweight ginger in my grade(freshman year) who decided to do the obvious choice given his physique: To eat more fast food. His goal was to eat "fast food" every day of the year.

By the time baseball season had began(he was also one of our Pitchers), he had finally went some days without eating the poison. He gained weight, and his parents got mad at him for using all of his "allowance" money on junk.

4. My Racist Aunt Makes a Vow to Quit Being Racist in 2010

The Most Bizarre New Year's Resolutions I've Came Across in my Life

To make this one more hysterical, she literally posted this on her Facebook account. And given she's a Kentuckian, there were no fucks given.

She's not lying when she admitted she was a racist. The woman had a rule that "blacks and Mexicans were fine, as long as they didn't go in her house, or near her purse." It didn't stop her from voting for Barack Obama in the 2008, and 2012 elections, but as a "die-hard Democrat"(as she put it), she'll never "vote RED."

She usually doesn't post racist things on her Facebook page, so it's tough to say whether she held up with this resolution, or not(I'm not sure why you would want to start back up in 2011 in the first place). However, given she still occasionally makes racist remarks, I'd say she fell off the bandwagon-the same way she fell off the bandwagon when he cherry-picked which kids to abort.

3. A Former Co-Worker Demands She Won't Get Pregnant For 2014

The Most Bizarre New Year's Resolutions I've Came Across in my Life

To be fair, she actually stated she doesn't plan on getting pregnant ever again, but she also called it a "New Year's Resolution."

Her are some details about the woman. First of all, she had already had 20 miscarriages in her life(that's not joke-she has a severe internal physical disability which prevents her from having a normal pregnancy), so it's probably a good thing she didn't try for her fourth child. Second of all, she was 39 years old at the time she made the resolution, so it's unlikely she will get pregnant again anyway. Third of all, how hard is it to take some proactive birth control measures, such as condoms, or the pill?

She didn't get pregnant in 2014, and to everyone's surprise, she still hasn't been pregnant again. I guess she really didn't want that 21st miscarriage afterall!

2. A Homeless Man Needs a Brain in 2012

The Most Bizarre New Year's Resolutions I've Came Across in my Life

The world didn't end in 2012, but a very unusual resolution that year was in affect.

I must admit, I feel guilty for even mocking this one, but I can't help myself. I was at Taco Bell on New Year's Eve in 2011, buying me some crunchy munchies, when a homeless man(whom everyone in our city had seen about 1,000 times) was begging me for change. I told him I solely carry had credit/debit cards, and I had no change on me, which was the truth, actually. Unfortunately, this didn't register in his skull(because he doesn't have a brain). He told me he was sorry for begging everyone, and didn't know how to apply for jobs. I told him that's fine, but he should still try to do something, and I even mentioned I was in college to be a teacher at the time.

He then chuckles, and makes the remark "Can you teach me how to get a brain?", and said his resolution for 2012 was to "get me a brain." My assumption would be he begged his way in 2013 brainlessly.

Honorable Mention: Me, Myself, and I for 2008

The Most Bizarre New Year's Resolutions I've Came Across in my Life

Yes, I've made some quirky resolutions in my life, and as a 17 year old junior in high school, I had an idea so mind-blowing, it's hard for me to type it out: On my Yahoo Answers account, I was to ask at least one question every day for 2008. I tried to ask questions which revolved around current events at the time(My 2008 Presidential Election Question spurred over 100 answers), and the holidays.

Believe it, or not, I did it for every single day of the year. As you might expect, I wasn't the most popular person in high school.

1. Why Live in Ohio in 2011, When You Can Live Anywhere Else?

Los Angeles, California
Los Angeles, California

Drumroll, please!

I recently submitted a MyTake on various attributes of the state I've lived in my entire life-Ohio. And if you've even glanced at my posts about my stomping grounds, you'll quickly realize I've never liked it here, and the main reason I'm still living here is because my entire family resides in these wastelands.

However, in 2011, a guy I knew made a bizarre New Year's Resolution: "To move out of Ohio." No, not because of a job, because of the economy, because of family, but because Ohio was "boring." It's not that I disagree with this assessment-it's just that I don't see the point of moving out of Ohio for the sake of moving out of a "boring place." If you're going to do this, at least have a legitimate plan(spoiler alert-he didn't).

The worst part is, the guy had a lot going for him: He had a close-knit family in Ohio, he was a second-year college student progressing as an engineer major, an easy job landing him 20 bucks per hour given to him from his father, he was one of the most popular guys in our city, and a smoking hot girlfriend he forced to move with him.

Where does the bloke move to? In January of that year, he drops out of college, flies out to Los Angeles, California, snags an apartment, and works a minimum wage grease pit job(the quickest one he can find at the time)with his girlfriend. And if you're already thinking that sounds pretty bad, it only gets worse.

While there, he absolutely struggles there. He, and his girlfriend literally worked three jobs each just to pay for the outstanding cost of living in LA, and they both admitted it wasn't near as fun as they thought it would be. The worst part is, he never met any celebrities(his biggest hope), he didn't have time to go to any beaches, he never made any new friends, hebroke up with his girlfriend...he was miserable...

...And by 2013, he returned back to Ohio, single, and ready to mingle. And he's still single, and ready to mingle in 2019!

I suppose I have to give the guy credit for his two solid year dedication. To this day, he fully admits he made a mistake, and has a distaste for California.

What are some New Year's Resolutions you've made, or are on your mind for 2019?

The Most Bizarre New Year's Resolutions I've Came Across in my Life
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