well the answers are peculiar. you slapped him. clearly he was not 'hitting' you back in self defens, thats bs, he was annoyed.
I do not think anyone should inflict anything more than a slap to a person of smaller size. unless self defense. which in his case, it was not.
i dont know what the situation looked like, I dont know if you simply should not have slapped him, bc 'violence' is bad, or if he was being violent in his demeanor and you felt threatened. i can see if are smaller you could have felt threatened.
was walking away a possibility?
could you have closed a door or walked out of the home?
i think him hitting you was wrong if he is bigger regrless of yoursex, and wrpng bc you dd not hit him, and wrong bc he shouldhave backed off.
if ud pummeled him id see it differently. but no ne hits back bc f self defense from a slap.
i think you shouldleave him. you guys are seriosly a threat to each other and your son.,
in this case i would not trust him at al, though i dont slp people when im angry i think his behavior was sketchy from the bginning. if someone says stop yelling you stop yelling. he was clearly trying to intimidate you.
he lacks self control. I do not know if you usually have self control, but around him you do not.
its too chaotic. you guys should see a counselor or split. if not for you, for the sake of your child.
I don't know it depends on how severe the following her around was. i asked her if she could have walked away closed a door left the premises but she has not answered.
if she could have gotten away id say slap was wrong. if not id say its his responsibility to stop threatening her and if he does not stop, i dont see the slap as unwarranted. really depends on what happened prior.
i still think whether he's a man or a woman if he's pushing her and she does the wrong thing and slaps him he is free to press charges but should not have hit her. onbiously he was not in danger of his life from a slap or from her. she was not wailing on him, she slapped him.
if it was me id just restrain the person who slapped me. i would not hit them.
its bad for either of them, to condone losing control in retaliation. at least one person needs to keep it together. they are not street kids, they are a couple.
size
she should have walked out when he was carrying on. he should have walked out when she slapped him.
Partners; parents are supposed to be each others better half. if you use your partners bad behavior as an excuse for your own you're screwed.
they were both wrong-unless she couldnt get away- but how does that help the kid.
Ethically, i think size- not sex- matters. so does intensity
im not going to use more intensity than necessary or too much force on a smaller person.
I so rarely use physical force. only times i have was obvious self defense from physical attack, i have not -always- used physical forc- even if attacked if mild.
ometimes, you just have to restrain someone. unless violence is your goal. its never my goal.
i think for adults Esp with kids violence should be avoided. obviously lol
i think his pride was wounded not his body. not a good reason to hit.
I don't know if she slapped him bc she felt threatend, or just angry. lattr bing a poor excuse
You sure do assume a lot.
You say it's okay to hit someone first if you're small and FEEL threatened? No one fucking cares how you feel. You're either being threatened or you're not. Did he say he was going to hit her? Did he pull his hand back in a wind up to hit her? None of that is mentioned in her question so no. She wasn't threatened.
It's wrong he should have backed off? That's wrong on both their parts, even more so hers because she ended up HITTING HIM.
No one hits back from a slap? He lacks self control? His behavior was sketchy? You're fucking delusional. Absolutely everything you have said about this man, 100% applies to the woman asking this question who hit him. Your stupidity is boundless.
You're right about one thing: she should leave him. Save him the headache of trying to work things out with a cunt.
Was slapping him respectful?
Usually people yell when they feel like the other person isn't listening to them. Were you being respectful of his opinions? Were you listening to him with humility?
Even if he was wrong, he is the love of your life. You made a vow to cherish and respect him forever. He did too, and you may feel like he's not doing that sometimes. However, that's what the vow is there for. The promise of love exists to cover those times when you guys no longer feel that you love each other.
Act as though you love, even when you don't feel like it, and you will presently come back to love. Come to him humbly. Apologize for not being as respectful of his feelings as you should have been. Apologize for initiating violence, which was both unwarranted and immature. Ask him to forgive you. Ask him to hear your feelings. Ask him to help you become a better wife and mother. Give him a hug and a kiss. Then do your best to hear why he's concerned. If you give him that courtesy, he will give you courtesy back.
This anonymous girl sounds mature.😉😄
That's a serious problem. You had no right to slap him in the first place. Most people react to violence with more violence. Therefore, it simply escalates the problem. If he was yelling at you, the smart thing to do would have been walking away and separating yourself from the conflict. Giving him some time to cool down and then coming back together and talking the problem through.
You both were in the wrong, however, you escalated the issue first by hitting him. My advice to you would be to 1) Decide if this relationship is worth staying in and 2) If you want to stay with him, seek couples counseling to get BOTH of your tempers under control. A relationship cannot work without communication. Sound communication involves speaking clearly, using a kind tone of voice, and listening to the other person. You should also learn how to properly handle arguments and disputes in a healthy way. This is something both of you need to work on if you want your relationship to work out. I wish you the best of luck.
Size and muscle don't matter in this situation. I've read a news story about a 100lb girl killing a 250lb man with one punch in the face over a five dollar bet. Human beings are fragile as hell. If you hit them in the right ways, in the right spots, they will die, period. Now, I realize that these are slaps, and not punches, but here's the point.
If someone tries to swing on me, I treat them like they're a threat to my life. I'm not some dumb kid on the street, and I'm more than well-aware of how fragile people are, AND I saw a kid stab another kid through the chest with a stick at the park when I was little, so I also know that ONE FUCK UP and somebody can be dead without you meaning for it to happen. If things get physical, I will instantly take control, but I won't kill you, because I know what I'm doing compared to other people, I'll grab you up in a choke hold and show you that I can stop you whenever I want you to stop.
Another thing about me, I'll play any game my opponent does. If you want to go that low, I'll prove to you that I can do it better so your ass NEVER thinks to do that to me again.
I'm a weird person, but like most people said, go to counseling or something, because you messed up by escalating things to that point when you weren't ready to deal with releasing the kraken
I'm sorry, but legally, verbal assault and physical assault are two different things, and they're two different things morally as well. Someone can say anything they want to me, and I still have a choice whether or not to react with violence, and most of the time I won't, because I don't like to be the first one to stoop to any level. I don't start fights, I finish them. If someone wants to talk smack, I'll beat them at talking smack. If someone wants to then make things physical because they couldn't beat me and can't deal with it, then I'll stomp them in that arena as well.
Anyway though, as a general rule, the one who escalates things to the next level FIRST is the one in the wrong. This is why we haven't had a nuclear war, because NOBODY wants to be forever remembered as the asshole who launched the first nuke.
"I saw a kid stab another kid through the chest with a stick at the park when I was little, so I also know that ONE FUCK UP and somebody can be dead without you meaning for it to happen."
Did that... actually happen? Because that sounds extremely gruesome. O_O
Yes, that happened at the park. The kid was practically the same age as me and I learned a lot from it about how dangerous who don't understand can be. Those two kids to me, represent almost every adult that I see in the world today, unaware of the potential consequences of their actions
Uh... was it as bloody and scary as I imagine it to be? I'm sorry, I'm a bit shocked. The conceptual image is really nasty, and I'm guessing it's nothing compared to the real thing.
Well, he had the stick actually sticking out of his chest while he was lying there... and I don't know if you've ever seen anyone die, especially if it's a sudden death as opposed to an elderly person who has time to make peace... yeah. It's terrifying as fuck, but the scariest thing about it is the implications it makes. The scariest thing about it is just thinking about the fact that this was a kid who didn't know this would happen, and was playing all of 10 minutes ago, and his mom isn't even outside or anywhere to be seen. My mom and I saw it happen as we drove by and stopped and jumped out. I was about the same age as that kid, and it was terrifying to know that this kid was getting ready to be gone forever. That he was here, and then he wasn't, because of something that wasn't even done on purpose. It was because someone didn't understand what they were really doing. Because they were just kids.. It taught me a lot about how fucked up life is
www.dailymail.co.uk/.../...-punch-5-party-bet.html
Bro, if you hit someone and knock their nose up into their brain, they are dead, and it doesn't take a lot of strength to do it. If you hit someone and knock them out, they can hit their head on something and die during the fall. People are fragile as hell if you hit them in the right ways, and in the right spots
I'll never forget this answer. M_A_X, if you ever come back, please note the fact that you're awesome.
Maybe you shouldn't be punching people because they punch back?
I'm sorry, I don't empathize with people who inflict physical violence on others because otherwise they can't make a point. You guys both need a chill pill and conflict resolution skills.
dude that should really be common sense...
She didn't punch him; it was a slap. Generally we don't punch (extreme rare I would say) unless some stranger were to grope me out of nowhere and I feel seriously harrassed; now that would deserved a straight punch.
time to break up
Totally agree, don't hit people and expect them to not hit you back.
@TheLastGirlScout I love your answer I don't put up with violence at all. Don't put your hands on me and expect me to sit there and just let you man or woman
Opinion
43Opinion
Well, yeah you hit him, so of course he's going to hit back. What did you expect? Maybe it's time to seek out some help on how to communicate with each other in a better way, instead of resorting to name calling and slapping each other.
Again, only Canadians speak reason.
Strong everything you joooooocy chick :)
I'm going to be honest:
If a bf or husband was yelling at the top of his lungs in my face I would feel very unsafe and threatened. I'm sorry but I might react a bit like the asker too if walking away wasn't an option right in that moment because I would immediately assume he's cornering me and has bad intentions. My physical reaction would mostly be out of fear that he's trapping me and not letting me go, which is very similar to a rat biting you when you corner it.
I'm very susceptible to any degree of perceived aggression in man and this includes getting in my face in anger.
Sorry but it's more threatening when a man is screaming in our faces and doing mean gestures than vice-versa. If he then reacts violently after my fight-flight reaction then I wouldn't want him in my life anymore. It means he didn't understand my susceptibility nor background to where I'm coming from, otherwise he would have apologize to me and say something like ''Sorry, I scared you, are you ok, etc''. My paternal grandfather used to hit my grandmother in their younger years. I'm leery of men that show they're capable of hurting me. That's my one of my top deal-breaker besides getting cheating on.
Needless to say if I have to feel I have to fear a bf or husband or that he might react violently, the relationship or marriage would be over.
Go ahead down-vote me. I knew it anyways. This topic is senstive to me anyways.
"Sorry but it's more threatening when a man is screaming in our faces and doing mean gestures than vice-versa." yet... you said basically that it didn't matter whether you were actually being threatened, you FELT threatened. So I would suggest you can't really say which is 'more threatening' because you don't know how threatened any given man feels when slapped. Maybe his mother used to beat him as a child and it triggers something in him. How people feel is complicated, generally we should all observe reasonable lines and one -strong- one is 'don't start hitting each other'.
Didn't downvote you. Most agree with this:
"Needless to say if I have to feel I have to fear a bf or husband or that he might react violently, the relationship or marriage would be over."
Excellent. None of us are perfect, and I think you recognizing that you -can't- cope with someone who yells (which is a reasonable expectation IMHO) is a much better idea then trying to train someone not to.
I would already consider being threatened immediately when I feel threatened. Though I wasn't exactly abuse, I have several flashbacks that whenever I see this topic, read about violent men in the newspaper, some of them expressing how they would hurt or hear it on the news, it all comes back again.
All I know if you have to apply more force than what is needed in rage, then you got anger issues as well too.
Interesting how reacting out of fear if someone stronger got in face and then blocks the doorway is still not an understandable by most of you. What the fuck I'm I suppose to do then if I can't leave (I'm saying if), keep on having to fear him more as he's screaming in my face and wait till he eventually does something bad? I'm not going to assume that he's only screaming. I'm going to assume the worst because at that point I wouldn't trust me anymore. He would be like a stranger to me.
**him**
I really hate it when people hit each other. That being said, you were wrong for hitting him and he was wrong for hitting you back. And tbh, since you hit him first, you kinda had it coming. If you don't want to fight, then don't. It's like putting your hand in the fire and then wondering why it's burning. There's nothing you can do (in terms of legal things), since you took the initiative to turn it into something physical. But other than that, you should probably talk to him about it and apologize for hitting him. Hopefully he'll apologize back and you'll be able to resolve whatever problems you're having. Maybe have a discussion about some boundaries to have while arguing, like not yelling, calling each other names or hitting each other.
This kind of hypocrisy is my number-one pet peeve with women.
You hit him, and you're shocked that he hit you back? If you don't want to receive force, you shouldn't initiate force. It's a simple rule.
I've been nagged at a lot in my life by many people including many women. I've never once lifted a finger at any of them. There is no excuse for violence at all. If you don't like him, leave him. Don't hit him.
What should you do? You should apologize to him. Don't somehow imply that YOU are living in fear, when from your tone it seems that the only time he has ever raised a finger to you in this fairly long time you've been together is when you hit him first.
She's not the only one that needs to apologize to him.
He defended himself.
Just because you are a woman doesn't give you a free pass to hit him.
Do I agree that he hit you back?
No, he should have walked away.
But the fact of the matter is, not every guy is going to react the way
you think they should or the way society tells them to.
You keep your hands to yourself and apologize for hitting him in the first place.
He should has well.
Oh great, another pair of mouthbreathers reproducing.
Seriously, you've been married less than two years and this is the kind of environment you're bringing up a child in?
What are they going to learn from this behavior? That women are entitled to hurt others and expect no repercussions?
That settling arguments using violence is normal? That shouting abuse at your loved ones is how relationships work?
You claim to love him very much, yet you raised your hand at him, because you couldn't control your emotions.
What happens next time you get annoyed with your baby, huh?
Honestly, both of you are a disgrace as parents and human beings.
Your vagina doesn't grant you a shield, lady. If you hit, expect to be hit back. However, you two shouldn't have gotten together in the first place, because you're clearly not mature enough not to behave like morons, let alone raise a child.
I love reading your answers, they are awesome and straight to the point.
You hit first. This is 2014. Equality for all means that he can hit you back.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth. Lesson learned, don't hit people because they hit back.
Damn straight!
Hahaha awsum
Grow up and gain common sense.
What do you expect would happen with hitting a person that's really angry, they'd get on their hands and knees and beg their sorry, what happens when you hit someone angry is most of the time it only makes the angrier, even tho I don't agree with a man hitting a woman, it most likely sounds like he hit out of anger or as a natural reaction to you hitting him first. The best thing to do when someone is angry like that is to let them go and get away from the to give them time enough too cool, cause hitting only makes things worse.
girls... hear me out... all that "ladies first" &
"gentleman"
treatment that y'all get is cuz physically, women are
inferior compared to
men therefore the privilege that men do NOT hit
women is given but do
understand that when you put your hands on a
man, you automatically
surrender that privilege that has been given as you
will be seen as an
equal & your actions will be deemed as a
challenge.
So I wouldn't say he's wrong.
I remember this one time I hit Ronda Rousey, MMA Female Champion, right in the face and she just crumpled proving that men are physically superior to women.
Your assumption is false. Men are not physically superior to women.
Men and women both have an obligation not to be physically or verbally violent to one another, because it's wrong. Simple as that.
@SomeOtherGuy lol yea actually men on average attain more muscle and less fat, stronger bones etc. best weightlifters men, best runners men, best fighters men.
You want to keep your son?
You can't act like that anymore. It's not acceptable. For the sake of your baby, you mustn't allow this type of behaviour to go on. You both have to cut it out, or leave each other.
Anger management/ counselling may help.
Wait a minute.. First of all this relationship sounds dysfunctional because you threaten each other with violence.. Second of all if somebody strikes you first they have the right to hit you back.. I'm not condoning anyone using violence but if one human being strikes another and expects some kind of protection due to their gender I don't agree with that.
Truth. No one is granted a right to violence because of their race, creed, gender, age or disability. Simple as that, and the (U. S.) law agrees.
But I will say someone hitting you doesn't give you a right to hit them back. Violence doesn't justify violence. If he hit you back out of anger he is still wrong.
You two need to learn to step away from eachother before arguments reach that point. And if he's not willing to do it, then you need to be the strong one and just walk away. I'm not going to condone what either of you did: him for hitting you back, or you for slapping him when he kept intentionally irritating you. You need to leave from situations like that in the future. Once arguiing and yelling reaches a level of agner, there is no communication going on anyways, so walking away from tension like that cannot HARM anything. CCOme back and talk about it a few hours later, or the next day, or however long it takes for you both to be cooled off.
What if he doesn't want to talk about It later? How do you walk away and his feelings be acknowledge?
I am sorry, but you both are to blame. You cannot act like that to each other. The physical violence is unacceptable, but the verbal violence is almost as bad. Yelling at each other doesn't make sense. You should be able to talk like two adults. For the sake of your baby.
I agree. Growing up in an environment where your parents are constantly just quarreling and name-calling and yelling at each other sucks.
Your marriage sounds very dysfunctional.. you should look into marriage counseling. Also this isn't very healthy for the kid. While it may be true that it was wrong of him to hit you it was also wrong of you to hit him. Don't expect to not get hit just because of your gender. Its not the fact that he hit you that is the problem here. The problem I'm sure goes much deeper than that. You two need to get counseling to figure out what it is and fix it. Especially for the kid.
You can't change what happened but you can learn from this. Obviously hitting is not acceptable coming from a man or women and someone should have walked away. You and your husband need to talk about what happened and talk about how to move on from it. If anger is an issue then maybe anger management is something you both need, if anything it will give you the tools to deal with anger in a more positive and constructive way. Having a toddler can be exhausting and can litterly bring out the worst in someone. Can someone take him for the night? Your husband and you can probably use a date night even if you can't afford to go out then rent a movie and snuggle on the couch and then sleep in instead of raising at the crack of dawn.
You slapped him, so you fully deserved the punch.
Y'all need to see a marriage counselor and get y'all's shit together so that your child can grow up in a stable home.
No, she didn't.
Now if this man had any sense, he'd have walked away from this situation, packed his bags and left. No matter what someone says to you, you have no right to use violence. Slapping someone in the face is unacceptable as is striking back, though I could understand why he struck back, even if I don't agree with his action.
Yeah, I don't agree with his action either, because he's the only one who will get jailtime thanks to a highly biased society. If you see a man hit a woman, you'll get mad. If you see a woman hit a man, you'll think "He musta really done something to piss her off". No matter what happens, society always tends to see men as the aggressors and the bad guys, period. Everyone needs to think about that
You raise valid points, but I just don't see what striking back will achieve? If that was me, I'd remove myself from the situation, from the woman and I'd seek a divorce.
See a marriage counselor.
You're both at fault. Just because you're a woman doesn't excuse the fact that you first threatened violence and escalated a verbal conflict into a physical one. This is technically assault (the threat) and battery (the slap). That doesn't make it right for him to escalate even further from a slap to a punch, but you're halfway at fault for contributing to the escalation. You're both at fault.
Learn some better conflict resolution skills, both of you. You could have just walked away from the argument.
I'm so sorry for all the hate you are getting when you are trying to get help. People arejust venting their own frustrations on you. Forgive them.
Take the advice of a few of the posters and remove yourself from those situations. Take your child and stay at a friends house.
So she initiated domestic violence but criticizing that is "hate"? And it's unethical to take a man's child away from him just because you engaged in domestic violence - it should be the other way round - the parent who initiates domestic violence should not be left in charge of children.
Its more fun to act like a man then to be treated the same way as one huh? Your poor child. i guarntee divorce is in your future. you can't even go 2 years and you already being abusive towards your husband of course he slapped you back you hit him and i have a feeling probably more happened then you mentioned. Stop trying to play the victim you are no victim. i was an an abusive relationship where i ended up in the hospital but not once did i touch him back im not a victim so someone who STARTS It sure as hell isnt. your job is to protect your child raising him in this enviroment is sad. like i said poor poor kid and you are very selfish.
That's self defense. You should be more mature than that and stop getting so irrational. Clearly you don't "love him very much" because I don't recall slapping someone an act of love. I hope he takes your 19month old son somewhere safe.
By applying this logic (you own words: I don't recall slapping someone an act of love), neither of them love each other. Not just her but he doesn't love her either.
Brb.. taking my child away from his mother though I verbally abused her and punched her hard..
Brb.. my son will be safe with me and she can't do nothing at all, all he needs is his father
Brb.. Omg why do I have charges of kidnapping
If someone takes away my child, I would file charges on them for kidnapping.
You hit him in the face, what the hell did you expect him to do? It annoys me to no end when women spend all their time saying "Equality among the sexes" and then start whining when they get LITERALLY what they asked for. I'm not saying he's not in the wrong, but you hit him, what's he going to do? Apologize and start crying? No, he's not four. You're both adults, if you hit him, he's going to hit you back.
What you need to is apologize for hitting him in the face.
I'm sorry Latina87, you must of misunderstood me! I'm not suggesting that only she apologize. They were both in the wrong. However the question asks what SHE should do, not what the guy should do.
Hope I cleared this up!
I see. Thanks for clearing it out. To be honest, I would be very susceptible to any type of threat perceived. If I were yelled in my face by a husband, I would immediately feel threatened.
I'm so susceptible that one time my then bf tried to role play what I should do if my kid brother (who was 4 at the time, now he's 12) trying getting in my room; basically he was trying to show me how I could lightly pushed him and lock my door (he played me and I played my brother). Needless to say, I made an ugly, hateful face at him, giving him a stern look. My bf off course had a WTH confused expression and couldn't believe I was already thinking about him in that manner.
Well of course, I believe the same two things.
Personally, if my girlfriend got angry at me, and she was mad beyond the point of reasoning, I'd politely say "Alright, I'm just gonna' leave, and let you calm down a little bit. Go ahead and text me when you're calm, and we'll from there". Of course, if she's wrong I'll point it out, but never in my life have I, or will I resort to physical violence. You shouldn't treat someone you care about in such a rude way.
@Latina87 You are so illiterate I can't even understand you. Whatever that whole mess was about your boyfriend and your little brother. Anyway...
Apologies are not conditional. You don't say "Only SHE apologizes and not HIM?" That's not the issue. If you feel you did wrong, you fucking apologize, regardless of what the other party may do. You sound like the kind of person who is completely insincere.
I don't believe a guy should hit a girl because lets be honest, a guy can hit a lot harder than a girl. But you shouldn't of hit him and let the anger get the best of you. You were both wrong but I think he was more in the wrong. Two wrongs don't make a right and like I said guys have an unfair advantage, naturally bigger and stronger.
Domestic abuse has VERY little to do with physical size or strength, please stop spreading this myth. Female abusers frequently engage in violence in spite of being smaller - one way they do this is simply by using weapons or element of surprise, e. g. knives, or picking up a heavy object like an ashtray and throwing it a man's head - men are regularly injured and even killed by women in situations like this, so downplay this serious problem. Statistics show that female abusers are far more likely to use weapons. Another thing that allows female abusers to get away with abuse is that many men already automatically don't hit back, as they've been taught not to - women who abuse take advantage of this.
Numerous studies and surveys across the West have repeatedly shown that female-on-male domestic abuse is at least as common as male-on-female domestic abuse.
Dav123, shut up. We are talking about her situation so stop bringing an irrelevant argument to the table. When weapons are involved, lives are at stake. She was not threatening to him with a slap.
Yes, it's very interesting how some posters are immediately bringing weapons in the situation as if that were in every day life, as if every women is some crazy one-eye monster wanting to use a knife.
Yes, there are certain crazy ones out there but that doesn't make up the majority nor is even the norm.
@"We are talking about her situation"
Actually I was responding to YOUR statements that, and I quote, " lets be honest, a guy can hit a lot harder than a girl" and "guys have an unfair advantage, naturally bigger and stronger". So YOU started speaking about all couples in general, not this specific situation. And YOU ARE WRONG about it. You couldn't be more wrong, and you need to stop spreading harmful myths, please. You need to educate yourself on this issue, go read up some of the studies on how widespread and how severe the problems are - go inform yourself, please - because you are spreading incorrect, harmful, damaging views.
"University of Florida study found women are more likely than men to "stalk, attack and abuse" their partners"
"University of Washington study found women were nearly twice as likely as men to perpetrate domestic violence"
"Virtually all sociological data shows women initiate domestic violence as often as men, that women use weapons more than men, and that 38% of injured victims are men. California State University Professor Martin Fiebert summarizes almost 200 of these studies"
"A recent study in the Journal of Family Violence found many male callers to a national hotline experienced high rates of severe violence from female partners"
"California State University surveyed 1,000 college women: 30% admitted they assaulted a male partner"
"A University of Pennsylvania report found 13% of men reported being assaulted by a female partner in the previous 12 months, of which 50% were choked, kicked,"..
divorcesupport.about.com/.../male_abuse.htm
Wow you're a bit beyond reasoning. Once again, yes there are crazy types out there that go to the extreme of trying to choke a man but in this situation, she wasn't trying to cause him seriously bodily harm nor go into the kitchen searching for knives. This was an argument that got out of control and he went on yelling at her (she had asked him to stop yelling), then she got it worse by slapping him but he also made it worst by hitting back.
What you have here is a heated argument gone wrong, not your ''Crazy woman stabs lover with knife'' case.
@Latina87 "she wasn't trying to cause him seriously bodily harm nor go into the kitchen searching for knives"
I know that, I didn't say she was. If you look at the context, I was replying to Shyguy's specific comments - he posted some generalizations that are incorrect and ultimately harmful, and I was trying to correct them by posting some facts. Sorry if I seem a bit obstinate on it, I just feel that domestic violence is a serious issue and that it doesn't help to spread myths.
Thanks for stepping in for me when I was away Latina87 but obviously dav123 doesn't get it and its no use. Obviously I was talking about her situation which is why I didn't talk about weapons or anything escalating to another level. If you can't read between the lines then I'm sorry I can not help you, grow some common sense.
You're welcome. Apparently we're dealing with sub-culture poster. They want to hear ''Oh yessss, he punched the hell of you and great, I like his response'' type of reply. I'm noticing those are the only replies that are getting up-voted the most, the ones that everyone is putting the guy as a hero. I'm surprise people have gotten to that point.
I guess now I know how most people are in their animalistic form, if not in real life then online here by their replies.
Well, I disagree with a lot of people on this site, guess I'm considered old fashioned here. Good thing aside from this site I think most people would agree with me, I hope.
It sounds like you have a very dysfunctional relationship with your husband that has descended into violence. Both of you obviously think that hitting their spouse is okay. I hope your son didn't have to see this. Relationships where there is physical violence between the parties don't end well.
What you should do is apologize profusely for initiating physical abuse. Then the two of you need to get counseling or something to learn conflict resolution skills (e. g. how to talk through your differences without resorting to violence), even if just for the sake of your son.
@05Jueey: Generally the person who initiates violence (i. e. the one who commits the initial 'wrong') is the one who should initiate the apology in a situation. Only after she has apologized, THEN he should offer his apology. If she doesn't actually feel apologetic, then he should not apologize. Most people intuitively understand this sort of thing.
Does it really matter? This relationship is completely broken, and so are the two participants.
I also wouldn't conclude their relationship is "completely broken". People are only human, and being a new parent is a great stress - they are in a difficult and stressful situation and just aren't good at handling it, but many of the skills and habits of more constructive mature approach can be learned - e. g. talking through differences. The fact that she's asking for advice on a forum is a good sign.
If she's said this has been happening regularly for months/years then I might conclude it's "completely broken". But it sounds like the first time this has happened, so there's hope. And they have a 19 month old son, so both of them probably have had very little sleep in nearly two years, and they're under stress because they have many new responsibilities to meet.
@Latina87 "What happens if she does her part in apologizing but he doesn't feel apologetic for his part at all and thinks he was in the right?" ... then he's in the wrong and they either need to get 3rd party counseling to help him see his error, or it's a red flag of possible future abuse. I somehow have the suspicion that if she apologizes, then he will too. But I see this was 36d ago now.
I can't empathize much for you... you did hit him first!
The only reason why I have a few drops of empathy for you is because him hitting u back hard isn't "equal" force to the slap u gave him.
I'm not sure what exactly you expected. Unless he slapped you back with noticeably stronger force, you can't really blame him. Was it the most mature and best way for him to react? Definitely not. But it was 100% your fault.
As soon as you cross the physical barrier the other person has the right to defend themselves how they deem necessary.
If things get that bad walk away. Call the police, or call a friend. Violence begets violence
You should not have threatened him, nor should have hit him. He should not yelled at you. You could have only stated for him to stop yelling at you and then walked out the door. His reaction was a defense reaction by the amygdalla. Not that I am condoning it, but you did hit him. You were in the wrong on this. You have the improper reaction. You could have just walked out the door.
That does sound bad, and not healthy at all. But I've been a similar situation. I've asked my boyfriend-of-the-time to leave me alone and when he didn't I slapped him... and eventually we both get physical with each other. It become OK to slap/hit each other. Only now when I have broken up with him and started a new relationship (and got married too) I realize that the slapping/hitting was not the problem, it was US the whole time.
If I were you I'd consider whether I wanted to be with the guy in the first place, if slapping/hitting is just a sympton of something else. I also thought I was in love with the guy... I honestly thought so. Now I think that back then I didn't really even know what love is. I would never ever him my husband, he would give me no reason to.
WOW. So... I understand that describing situations on the internet is pretty difficult to portray, even considering that you are mentioning everything. I've been in a few violent relationships, but I've come out knowing a few things.
My Opinion:
ONE. You are both completely wrong in this situation. You are both violent and immature.
TWO. One of you should have walked away, not let the argument escalate.
THREE. YOU HAVE A CHILD. Grow up and act like parents before you mess your kid up for good.
FOUR. How do you not expect to be hit back? Being a woman is not a shield you can pull up whenever you don't think you can take what you dish out.
FIVE. You've been in another marriage, where you admit that this same basic situation has happened. Insanity is repeating the same process expecting different results.
You slapped him which was completely unnecessary and it was assault, it was wrong of you to slap him you should have acted like a mature adult and walked away instead of getting violent and behaving as a savage child. You got exactly what you deserved. You should apologize to him and make amends.
I'm all for gender equality, I can't empathise with you because you did initiate physical violence which is something I don't condone from men or women. I think you got what you asked for. You both need to sit down and talk and not get fists involved or your marriage is going to go downhill quickly.
Being a woman doesn't give you the right to hit people, neither does saying "hey I'm going to hit you" the two of you need serious help because neither one of you should be laying a hand on the other.
You should never put your hands on someone with violent intent. Especially, someone you claim to love.
You hit him first and he has a right to defend himself. You two should really try to talk about this.
What should you do? Apologize to him and never hit him again. You got exactly what you asked for. I really don't understand why women complain so much about physical violence and yet have no trouble doing it themselves. What is it with women and hypocrisy?
I'm going to state the obvious here... never initiate a physical altercation with someone who could so easily hurt you badly if he wanted to. You may think he hit you hard but he held back or you would be in the hospital now.
Erin Pizzey was one of the first widely known people to host a woman's shelter back in 1971 and she tells people now that so many of the women who took refuge were actually violent people themselves. She had what she considered to be two scenarios.
Scenario One: Women who accidentally become involved with a violent partner and now wish to leave and to never return again.
Scenario Two: Women who, for deep psychological reasons of their own, seek out a violent relationship, or a series of violent relationships, with no intention of leaving.
She found that: "...62 women out of the first hundred women who came to the refuge were as violent or more violent than the men they left. Also many were prostitutes taking refuge from their violent pimps."
So it's so difficult giving a girl/woman a mild shove? This is what my mother's bf did (well fiance). She shouldn't be the only single person apologizing.
Like her, I wasn't trying to fight my mother's fiance. He was invading my privacy and it was my way of telling me ''Fuck off already, dammit.. grrr'' and well I just hit him.
CarnelianCruise: you miss the point. She hit him! Why is that acceptable to you? It's not OK for anyone to hit someone and it's hypocritical for her to be upset about him hitter her when she did it first. THAT is the point.
So basically it's right to punch a wife, even when she didn't punch him but slap him? You realize a woman's slap isn't the same as a man's punch?
Physical violence and physical violence, I honestly don't understand why you're defending her.
@"You realize a woman's slap isn't the same as a man's punch?"
Domestic violence often starts small - just like that - and escalates - and women can and do regularly injure and even kill their male partners through domestic violence. It has nothing to do with "the man being stronger" - all a woman need do is pick up a weapon, e. g. knife, or a heavy object and throw it at a man's head, and bam, he's dead. This sort of thing happens every day. So just don't go there, violence against your partner is wrong and there' s no such thing as "just a slap".
"Men are roundly fed up with all the hypocrisy."
That sums it up perfectly!
''But teacher little David threw a spitball at me'' childish reply. Awesome, so now it's more children. Interest that two wrongs = a right.
and @dav23 quit comparing the bite of an ant (a woman's slap) to a pitbull attack (a nut kick or woman using weapons). Sorry to hear you have to go through all those extremes of claiming your life is endangered for a slap.
Spare me... her life was no more in danger than his. You, CarnelianCruise, are one of the women who give your entire gender a reputation as enormous hypocrites.
So you're trying to tell me you can die from a slap in the face or that it can cause great bodily harm? I can understand a punch... yes there have been a couple cases of someone dying or getting injured from that but for a slap from the asker?
His life was not in danger. He reacted in anger. That's not being endangered. Nice try.
I know how a real crazy girl would act like and those types are the ones that won't stop at nothing. I would actually be the first person to report that type (if she's legitimate psycho that is). The asker doesn't even come one bit close to that.
You are a clueless hypocrite. Most of the women here get it. Why not you?
@Theguyoverthere half of dv is actually done by women, and men just dont report it. Also women use metal dv against men far more.
You shouldn't have hit him. No excuses, it wasn't acceptable. He felt as shocked and upset as you did when he hit you, you deserved a smack - it's called karma. You need to figure out how to control your temper and so does your husband, then you need to work on how to talk about your issues like grown ups, not children in a schoolyard.
Don't want to be hit? Then don't be the first to swing. I have no sympathy for anyone that throws the first punch/slap and then complains about the person that they ended up hitting ended up hitting them back.
Act like a man get treated like a man. You don't get to attack people because they're yelling--they'll hit you back. Welcome to reality!
I think that if the majority of guys--not men--on this question were in need of serious medical help, I'd let them die.
He was wrong for punching you. You were wrong for slapping him. He lashed out in anger which isn't healthy. You felt threatened and told him to leave you alone which he didn't.
I hope you two aren't together anymore because No one should be with a pussy like that.
I think if chicks like you, not women, need serious medical help, I won't be helping you. She wasn't wrong for hitting him. Period. He had every right to strike her back. Entitled chicks like you excusing violence against men is just pathetic. Women need to learn to keep their hands to themselves and if they can't do that, they need to be prepared to go to prison or get their boobs punched.
If you hit people then you have to expect that they hit you back, even when you're a woman. Its your fault, sorry. You really should try and talk.
y'all need some help communicating and de-escalating else this relationship is going to blow up.
sounds like a power struggle.
words are as hurtful as physical.
If alcohol involved, all alcohol terminated...
hope you work it out for sake of the kid.
What should you do? Probably stop starting fights with him and hitting him.
I imagine you are asking this because you're a woman and you think you're exempt from physical violence while at the same time allowed to inflict it on men. Seriously, go fuck yourself. You just hit someone and are shocked that you received the same treatment? Sorry princess, you're not that special.
You know, even when it comes to violence between men, there is an understanding. If some squirrely, skinny guy starts acting like a shrill bitch to someone twice his size, most guys aren't going to hit him just because they can. Most men would give him the chance to cut it out and walk away. But it's pretty well accepted that if this guy, weak and little though he is, continues to act like a terrible little shit, he's going to get fucking smacked. At the very least.
I know no one is willing to hear it in this day and age but you DID ask for it and deserve it.
You're going to regret it if you separate and you're going to regret it if you leave it alone and dont say anything. In my opinion, apologize and tell him you were wrong for hitting him, but make sure you let him know that he was wrong for hitting you too. Yes, people get riled up and go too far but never should it get to the extent where a man hits a woman. Please stay together for your child. Wishing you the best of luck. xoxo
Is this the same chick that keeps asking this question about hitting your boyfriend/husband and he hits you back? Or are there just a lot of chicks that are surprised when they can't hide behind the "you can't hit me" shield?
I hit my mother's boyfriend for snooping into my privacy and he didn't hit me like this so called ''husband'' of the asker he. He only pushed me off and well I tripped, then he left.
BS on the self-defense part. What he did is retaliation done out of anger, not self-defense. Self-defense is what my mother's bf did.
Guess we found another woman who likes to hide behind this shield as well...
You have no idea what invasion of privacy and not letting you leave to go out with your friends means don't you... and still having to obey house rules to some guy you've only seen for 3 years when you're 15... don't you?
Technically what he did would be considered false imprisonment.
He was trying to read what was on my own damn cell phone and wouldn't give me my car keys. Now you're saying I should have reacted very calmly?
You sound batshit crazy, to be honest. I don't think dudes hitting girls is even what we should be talking about right now.
He didn't get in your phone because he wants to make sure you're not cheating or because he's worried about what you've said to him.
He went through your phone because he has concern about your behavior.
Invasion of privacy doesn't exist between a parent and their child.
There is something to be said about respecting your child and trusting them, but it sounds like you weren't exactly deserving of that.
What I will say is you got a ton of introspection and extrospection and critical thinking skills to catch up on. It's probably good to take a lesson and practice seeing things from other people's viewpoints.
Awesome so now I'm crazy. You realize we have to go through a lot more in life than worrying about getting hit back (for instance constant possible sexual harrassment in clubs or elsewhere, unwanted attention, risk of getting raped if going out at night alone, etc)? All of you overreact for any tiny injustice done when it doesn't benefit you yet fail to see we have it a lot harder. That's life. There is no 100% fairness in live.
Also a rapist can get us pregnant too and we're stuck with the unwanted baby.
No one said you can't resort to physical violence in case of actual self-defense. This was not self-defense.
@"and still having to obey house rules to some guy you've only seen for 3 years when you're 15"
Oh boo hoo, you have what is basically a step-dad who is trying to look after you and guide you as a parent should! How tragic, what a victim you are.
You should be thankful your mom has the sense to bring in a second parenting helping hand to help bring you up - studies show children of two-parent households are more likely to be more successful both in their studies and careers, and are less likely to suffer mental health troubles like anxiety. Not everyone has the privilege and good fortune to have two involved parents.
You should apologize to your mom's boyfriend for hitting him, and treat him with more respect. I bet that the more you behave like an adult, the more they will treat you like one.
Just because I was 15 then (now 18) doesn't mean that immediately makes him my father figure. Trust and respect is earned, not given right away. That cell phone is mine BTW; I paid for it and he had no rights snooping through it.
You shouldn't hit him. Don't think you can get away with it just because you're a woman.
So let me get this straight you slap him? After he called you names? And you never once thought he would slap back? Come on seriously? This is a prime example how women think they can slap someone and get away with it.
Yes. Then run to the cops denying all her actions and only explaining his. She'll also hope he's still enraged as it will come off more convincing to the police.
He shouldn't have hit you back, at all. I dont care if he is right or whatever. He should of walk away and leave you. Someone have to be in control of the situation. I don't justify your actions either but I also understand the pressure you were in. Is not easy to be infront of the man you love hearing bad things about you, he supposed to protect you not hurt you in any way. I been there! He won't stop this behavior, seek help!
Like I said: I don't justify her either. She said she warned him about what she will do if he kept going so why he kept doing it instead of leaving? Makes no sense his behavior. He should of walk away! They both needs help.
I agree. And Yes. The same thing that happened to her happened to me before with my exhusband , he was verbally abusive. I once pushed him because he wouldn't stop insulting me and he slapped me. Now am divorced can't stand abusive behavior. The best way to deal with this situations is walk away, don't let things get ugly if you can avoid it.
40 yr old immature women.
As my mother says" you want to act like a man, expect to be treated like one"
Technically slapping isn't acting like a man. Guys punch each other in a fight while girls slap each other in a catgirl. So she actually acted like a woman.
catfight
Hmmmmmm... hmmmmmm... This marriage is going to fail
You both are immature
www.troll.me/.../why-are-you-so-dumb.jpg
Lmao
You shouldn't have slapped him, but he should have backed off, walked out and got out of your face. Honestly, most men don't hit women regardless, but if this physical violence is a habit for you two, it has to be stopped.
Maybe you shouldn't have hit him if you love him as much as you claim. You seem to think it's okay for you to slap him around all you want without any consequences.
Well... you raise hands... get ready to be hit. I totally support his decision.
it went from vocal to physical.
Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. you hit him, he hit you back... justice is served... move on.
You slapped somebody and you got slapped back. Stop crying about it and fix the problem. What did you think was going to happen when you slapped him?
Thats called espousal abue and it's a crime. Unless you were charging him with a steak knife or a pitchfork or something he shouldn't be hitting you. The fact that you've only been married a year makes me think this could be a sign of things to come.
I mean you slapped him. What do you expect. Thanks to feminism you are equal. He was in the wrong right up until the moment you chose to lay hands on him. Do your self a favor and learn from that mistake. Its never acceptable to hit anyone unless its self defense.. And yelling and name calling does not warrant your response... PERIOD.
you're just lucky he didn't do any damage.
What did you expect to happen when you slapped him?
You two shouldn't be popping each other across the face. I think you to should talk about what happened that night, say sorry, and agree to use only words next argument.
Next time, don't slap him and he won't hit you back. You're the one who brought things to a physical level.
I’m sorry I’m gonna have to disagree. Gender does matter here. A man’s strength is way more than a Womens. Yes it’s disrespectful to hit a man but it can be fatal or severely damaging for a man to hit a woman. This gender neutral thing is gonna become really dangerous for the women’s rights women have fought so hard for. Men should never hit women. Period.
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