I'm not sure if I'm happy in my marriage?

Question

I've been married for 4 years and although I wouldn't say I'm bitterly unhappy, I wouldn't say I'm happy. Me and husband got married very quickly (we had a lot of passion in the start of our relationship!!), and now we've settled into life - I'm just not sure if it's right for me. I'm very ambitious, I'm very well paid and I like to go on nice holidays and live in a nice house. I'm fairly materialistic, I don't mind confessing to that. My husband however is the opposite. His ambition would be to live in a caravan, off grid, and quit work and live off the land. He works and he's very dependable but he's very low paid and works only because he has to and he looks forward to his time off. He is the type of person that would stay in a job that he hates because he has built up his holiday allowance to 6 weeks instead of the standard 4. We have started growing apart and he has noticed and is resisting this. I'm just not sure if this is going to work long term. I don't want to make any rash decisions which is why I haven't spoken to him about it. I'm just not sure if I want it to work so I'm not quite sure what conversation I'd be having with him!! I think what I'm looking for here is some advice. And perhaps some personal experience from people that have been here before? He's a wonderful man, he's a great man in fact and a wonderful father. But Things just don't feel right.

hellionthesagereborn · Accepted Answer

Almost 80% of divorces are filed by women, over 50% of those women regret it, 43% regret it within the first week. The fact is your fixated on the materialistic, okay fine but what do you think is going to happen? Your going to find a loving husband who is a great father who sends time with you and your kids (who are not his) while also being materialistic himself? Do you know what kind of hours those people put in? You won't see him and neither will your kids.

Further more you have children and your going to take there father away because you want a bigger house. Just let that sink in, your not the only one affected by this, not only are you going to hurt him by leaving and taking your children with (because no matter what you may say he will still not have the access to them that he does now) but your also hurting them by preventing them from seeing there father when they want. Your going to throw away four years, a loving husband and father, an entire family because you want a bigger house?

I have noticed women do this, they want the career man all the way up until they find out what it entails that is long hours at the office which results in them "neglecting" the wife who demands that he continue to make large sums of money but some how expects it to get done while still being able to spend time with her, expects him to have a career while also being able to travel (taking time off of work for long durations of time. That's not how you earn money or build your career).

Here is an article written by a woman who thought exactly as you are about her ex: www.dailymail.co.uk/.../...ow-Im-childless-42.html

The fact is your going to destroy a lot of peoples lives, your husbands and your childs and your own. So just keep that in mind, every woman thinks she can do so much better then it turns out she can't, that she had it all, had a good life and then she threw it away.

DarthLadyKiller · Accepted Answer

A marriage is about teamwork. If you two are not working together and putting the other first then things are going to fall apart. You are the one that raised the issue, you start and advise him to follow suit. I know and have read about lots of marriages (including my parents) that have been fixed using this method. I read about this woman who within days of getting married was crying her eyes out over her choice and by the time the two of them died, their marriage was so admired by everyone that knew them because they put themselves last. Remember Olaf from Frozen saying that love is putting someone else's needs first? Without love, your marriage is going to flop. If he is struggling with this, start doing it yourself and see if he responds. If not, give him a nudge and see what happens.

Revamped · Accepted Answer

Sounds like we are in the same predicament. However, I've only been married for exactly 13 months (exactly my son's age) and my sad reality is that I'm just not that into him any more. The attraction is out of the window, his emotions are no longer a priority for me, I am just no longer in love with him. To step out of my just okay passive feeling, I choose to discreetly entertain a mature married man (he's 12 years my senior) and damn!!! So far he has disappointed. He excites me plain and simple. Guess it's because I have placed zero expectations on him so for me he's not a bother.

Probably what you need to do is manage your expectations with regards to your husband. You have a child / children, in as much as their maybe a shift in your desires, possibly you can endure if it's just a bumpy phase as you map out how to get back to basics - The passion in the start of the relationship. Bottom line is, whatever you decide will definitely have an impact on your family either positively or negatively.

As for me, I'm in no hurry to divorce just yet. Yes, I cannot rely on husband as my sole source of happiness hence my discreet affair. Hope is what I'm clinging on that gradually things will pun out - and i'll be back at my passion with my darling husband :-)))))

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

The longer you stay married the harder it's going to be if you decide to leave. My husband was a lot like your husband. We've been together for 13 years and have 3 kids. He's completely changed. He hasn't taken a day off in years. He works at min 60 hours a week. Everything changed when we had kids. You said he's a wonderful father. Do you have kids together? Honestly if you're unhappy now I would really consider talking to him about it.

modeve · Accepted Answer

Don't take any decision in hurry. Your husband is caring & loving. If he works a lot, he might be thinking of relieving you of financial pressure. Let the time pass in cool mind.

UnknownXYZ · Answer

"He's a wonderful man, he's a great man in fact and a wonderful father." This my might be a tough pill for you to swallow but you don't really think this. You perceive him as "lesser" and you losing respect for him as a result, hence the attraction is waning. Your own value of your self-worth is telling you that you feel entitled (you want this, let's not play games) to a man who earns a lot of money and ambitous in making a lot of money. Right now, you do not see your husband as a loving and kind lover but rather a shitty provider. You don't value anything he does or provides for you more than your "materialistic" ideals which is actually very common for women. This is hypergamy in a nutshell. You subsciously feel you are married to "lesser" being because you making more money. At this stage, the only thing that can solve this "materialistic" mindset problem is for your husband to earn more than you. That's really what this problem is. You believe you can't respect your husband as a "man" if you are provider in the relationship, you simply can't and sadly, this plays directly into the whole idea that "men should be the breadwinners and women should be the carers". Once, you accept all of this you can now look for solutions. Many at this point, will just divorce their husbands and marry a rich and ambitious man because he is fulfilling your hypergamous desires even though he doesn't fulfill the "wonderful", "great" and "wonderful father" part. You can also look to work on your marriage. You do that by swallowing a big humble pie and take a big look at yourself in the mirror. Right now, you are acting as if you are doing everything right in the marriage and your husband is doing everything wrong. This is an alarming sign because you are directly undermining all that he contributes to the marriage and you are putting yourself on a pedestal. You first need to take yourself off that pedestal and realize that it is mainly you who needs to change for the better. If you want your husband to change, nagging and disrespecting him are the worse ways to do so, this will only lead to resentment. If you want your husband to be more ambitious, the best you can do is inspire him to change. There are a number of ways to do this: improving aspects of your own life (fitness, cooking etc.), giving him positive feedback, gratitude and feedback, or making him feel sexually desired and wanted.

Kurodo · Answer

It all sounds... Sad. Not in your typical way either, its like watching a car accident and then letting other people handle it while you enjoy hot dog on a bench or some such. What I'm saying is that obviously you seem very indifferent to the relationship and your kids and things like that. Seems to be a little more than just being independent but rather feeling disconnected. Like a machine with no power.

At the very least though you may not love your husband per se, you definitely care about him. I would imagine something like you being able to take him on your amazing material adventure of wiles and wonderment but everything can't always be so clean cut.

Though there's a stigma for setteling when it comes to things, you have to be realistic with your decisions. Really gonna have to look at how you will be affected immediately and then down the line and then even further than that. Where exactly do you see yourself? Will what you see make you truly happy? Will you regret it? Do you think this is something that can't be fixed? Do you think its something you should talk to him about or hide forever? Important questions.

NahBruh · Answer

I think that you both need to meet somewhere comfortably in the middle. When you get married it isn't just about you anymore. Being a family is a team effort and the best thing a team can do is talk about it, and then act on it. If course, no marriage is perfect, we ARE imperfect people, but the best thing to do is to work it out. Don't forget how the kids would feel if you 2 got divorced. If you guys talking about it escalates into an argument just remember to wear the bigger adult pants and stay calm. Good luck!!

Phantomium · Answer

I will not pretend like I know what marriage feels like but why would you want to trade a "wonderful man and father" for someone who works his ass off and barely has time for his family? You two fell for each other because you are different. If he acts like you and is as ambitious like you, you two probably won't stand each other or barely see each other from all the work. Try to work it out. Talk to him. You said it yourself - he's fighting for you. You can't just bail on him for something small. You have a child together. Think about her as well. My father was like you. Very ambitious, 12 hours a day, 6 days a week and he was almost never around when I was a kid. And I hated that.

MarkGerrits · Answer

Marriage is give and take. just like life and just like a relationship. your married now. divorcing ain't what you want by the sound of it. you just have to find common ground where you both are happy. you want a fancy house? he wants a caravan? how about a normal descent home that has potential for a man cave. something for him to create without any input from you. his own space. that way you can decorate most of the house to be fancy. that way you'll have a some of both worlds. and if he really wants a caravan let him? you say you love holidays. so go tracking with the caravan from time to time.

rkf_helps_247 · Answer

Hey. Now I'm not a married guy, bjt i do know a lot about it.
what you are going through is no different than the rest if the couples. You see marriage is about commitment, trust, understanding and love. Thats the foundation of it.

Now these days couples seem to marry just with feelings, have some years together, get bored and then moves onto divorce. Well if you ask me, this is a pretty dumb move. Getting divorced won't change anything. Mayb it'll be good at first but then it'll go back to the same old thing. Better to do is to adjust to your life that you have right now and try to make the most out of it.

castratedwhiteguy · Answer

He may be a wonderful man, but obviously you've lost total respect for him simply because his lifestyle ambitions and work ethic are beneath your high and mighty corporate standards. If that's the case, than don't even bother discussing it with him. Just make an appointment with a divorce lawyer and then slap him with the divorce papers.

For god stakes! Just get it over with - already! He doesn't need your money and he sure as hell doesn't need you hanging around and pretending that you still love and respect him!

Barrabus_the_Free · Answer

Here's another one that's looking for an excuse to cheat, and setting the groundwork to portray herself as the victim as she nukes her marriage for cash and prizes. Regardless of her making more than him, she WILL seek vagimony, and the Kourt WILL grant it.

There are a great many reasons that no man should ever get married, and OP is showing several here.

gingersage · Answer

go outta your way to change this use upbeat and extreme measures to change it... if the man loves you he will be on board with you if he makes fun or light of your efforts then he see's nothing wrong and should be talked to.
one way... travel agency and make payments on a trip away...

JohnDoe3000 · Answer

Difficult decision: the grass is always going to be greener somewhere, that's a normal feeling you'd have in ANY marriage, but on the other hand if you're really planning to leave it's better to do it sooner than later. Just remember that the perfect man does not exist, marriage is always a compromise.

johnmichaei · Answer

you're bored because you're not having what you want and he's satisfied so that's not compatibility without communication of all sides it's going downhill

sanaughty · Answer

get divorced and this will prevent you being miserable. in the end you will get nasty with him and he does not deserve a life with a miserable wife. you know it's not working move and find the man you need. but remember the grass is always greener on the other side cause there's more crap.

Criptic · Answer

I say talk to him maybe you will get to a common point. If he is a good husband then it's not worth doing anything you might regret.

Anonymous · Answer

This is what modern marraige and divorce is like

Crankor · Answer

decide first, aside from your issues with him now is if you see yourself really having a future. some things can be worked around but depends on if how he is is his personality or character. one can be changed much easier than the other

saga010 · Answer

well the reason for clash is similar to minee u both have different tastee n preferences u r also going the same as i am. i have been married to a girl who i never love but am still wid her hurting myself n u r also going the same

Bananaman177 · Answer

Well, just for the record, could you share your exact wedding vows, please?

seanfossy · Answer

blunty? if youve got to think about it you're not happy, love isn't something that needs thought about it just is, even just thinking about that person makes you smile like a mad man and make your heart race

AlwaysBelieving · Answer

Sounds like you got married out of passion alone and not ask each other about your core values.  The thing is if both of you want to work for the marriage or not.

simple-question · Answer

Divorce his ass and take it all—there is another hot guy waiting- I am amazed at how such trivial whims will allow you to trash someone like that—life is hard – woman up!

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