I'm not sure if I'm happy in my marriage?

[Anonymous]

I've been married for 4 years and although I wouldn't say I'm bitterly unhappy, I wouldn't say I'm happy. Me and husband got married very quickly (we had a lot of passion in the start of our relationship!!), and now we've settled into life - I'm just not sure if it's right for me. I'm very ambitious, I'm very well paid and I like to go on nice holidays and live in a nice house. I'm fairly materialistic, I don't mind confessing to that. My husband however is the opposite. His ambition would be to live in a caravan, off grid, and quit work and live off the land. He works and he's very dependable but he's very low paid and works only because he has to and he looks forward to his time off. He is the type of person that would stay in a job that he hates because he has built up his holiday allowance to 6 weeks instead of the standard 4. We have started growing apart and he has noticed and is resisting this. I'm just not sure if this is going to work long term. I don't want to make any rash decisions which is why I haven't spoken to him about it. I'm just not sure if I want it to work so I'm not quite sure what conversation I'd be having with him!! I think what I'm looking for here is some advice. And perhaps some personal experience from people that have been here before? He's a wonderful man, he's a great man in fact and a wonderful father. But Things just don't feel right.

[hellionthesagereborn]

Almost 80% of divorces are filed by women, over 50% of those women regret it, 43% regret it within the first week. The fact is your fixated on the materialistic, okay fine but what do you think is going to happen? Your going to find a loving husband who is a great father who sends time with you and your kids (who are not his) while also being materialistic himself? Do you know what kind of hours those people put in? You won't see him and neither will your kids.

Further more you have children and your going to take there father away because you want a bigger house. Just let that sink in, your not the only one affected by this, not only are you going to hurt him by leaving and taking your children with (because no matter what you may say he will still not have the access to them that he does now) but your also hurting them by preventing them from seeing there father when they want. Your going to throw away four years, a loving husband and father, an entire family because you want a bigger house?

I have noticed women do this, they want the career man all the way up until they find out what it entails that is long hours at the office which results in them "neglecting" the wife who demands that he continue to make large sums of money but some how expects it to get done while still being able to spend time with her, expects him to have a career while also being able to travel (taking time off of work for long durations of time. That's not how you earn money or build your career).

Here is an article written by a woman who thought exactly as you are about her ex: www.dailymail.co.uk/.../...ow-Im-childless-42.html

The fact is your going to destroy a lot of peoples lives, your husbands and your childs and your own. So just keep that in mind, every woman thinks she can do so much better then it turns out she can't, that she had it all, had a good life and then she threw it away.

[Barrabus_the_Free]

Women never think of how their actions effect other people. All they think of is immediate gratification. "I'm not haaaaaasppppppyyyy, so I'll nuke my marriage. To hell with the husband and the kids, I *DESERVE* better."

Then they nuke that, also, because again they think they can do better.

They're never satisfied. Ever.

[hellionthesagereborn]

@Barrabus_the_Free Yeah, it really seems that way doesn't it?

[Barrabus_the_Free]

There's a saying that, to the best of my knowledge, dates back to sometime around 1200 (so, the 13th century).

"Women want fried ice"

I get a kick out of all these people that think that somehow any of this is new. Cultures of the past KNEW how women were; why do you think they weren't given a say in. gov, they weren't allowed to make decisions, and their father was the one that a potential suitor had to get approval from?

[DarthLadyKiller]

A marriage is about teamwork. If you two are not working together and putting the other first then things are going to fall apart. You are the one that raised the issue, you start and advise him to follow suit. I know and have read about lots of marriages (including my parents) that have been fixed using this method. I read about this woman who within days of getting married was crying her eyes out over her choice and by the time the two of them died, their marriage was so admired by everyone that knew them because they put themselves last. Remember Olaf from Frozen saying that love is putting someone else's needs first? Without love, your marriage is going to flop. If he is struggling with this, start doing it yourself and see if he responds. If not, give him a nudge and see what happens.

[Asker]

I can't believe you've just quoted Olaf! ❤️ yes I know, it's the putting his needs first that I struggle with and I don't know if that's because I've fallen out of love or if it's just me being selfish.

[DarthLadyKiller]

You have to ultimately decide what you want. Do you want a happy marriage? If so, work on selfishness and you will grow to love him more. We tend to love the things we sacrifice for. People can fall out of love but it is their decision what they do about it.

[Revamped]

Sounds like we are in the same predicament. However, I've only been married for exactly 13 months (exactly my son's age) and my sad reality is that I'm just not that into him any more. The attraction is out of the window, his emotions are no longer a priority for me, I am just no longer in love with him. To step out of my just okay passive feeling, I choose to discreetly entertain a mature married man (he's 12 years my senior) and damn!!! So far he has disappointed. He excites me plain and simple. Guess it's because I have placed zero expectations on him so for me he's not a bother.

Probably what you need to do is manage your expectations with regards to your husband. You have a child / children, in as much as their maybe a shift in your desires, possibly you can endure if it's just a bumpy phase as you map out how to get back to basics - The passion in the start of the relationship. Bottom line is, whatever you decide will definitely have an impact on your family either positively or negatively.

As for me, I'm in no hurry to divorce just yet. Yes, I cannot rely on husband as my sole source of happiness hence my discreet affair. Hope is what I'm clinging on that gradually things will pun out - and i'll be back at my passion with my darling husband :-)))))

[Asker]

It's really good to hear from someone that's in the same position! It's so difficult to know what the right thing is to do, and I guess the important thing is that I get my feelings in check first.

What made you decide to marry your husband in the first place?

[Revamped]

Same old cliche background... prior to marriage we had dated forever (5 solid years!!!). No sooner, I became expectant so it seemed proper to live as one family. I wanted that stability for my prince (our son)

[Asker]

I hope you're able to make it work for you. I understand why you've decided to have an affair but it's so dangerous as you just never know when you might get caught. And it has the potential to cause so much devastation. Do you think you'll change your mind about your husband or not?

[Revamped]

Dangerous affair... indeed it is! But my "lover" and I want to maintain our marital statues so it's prudent that we both safeguard our "moral misconduct" in the interest of our families. With regards to a change of mindset towards my husband, I am adamantly hoping for the best just as I prepare for the worst... only time will tell :-/

[Asker]

I understand that. Best of luck and I hope it all works out for you xx

[Revamped]

You too dear... all the best to us xxxxx :-)

[hellionthesagereborn]

Wow your a terrible person. You really don't deserve to have the family you do, but I guess that's why your constantly putting that at risk, because your just unable to think about any one else but yourself. That's pretty shitty. Hope you get caught, and soon. (preferably with a lot of incriminating evidence so you can't take his child away from him because clearly your not fit to be a wife or a mother).

[Revamped]

@hellionthesagereborn... Just wondering are you married yourself?

Clearly, I triggered negative vibe from you and I can understand where you're coming from. Then again, busted or not, I'm still sticking my ground... Not going to make permanent decisions based on temporary emotions,

[hellionthesagereborn]

No I am not because the risk is to high with the divorce rate as it is and the fact that its almost all women who are doing the divorcing (combined with so many comments like yours its hard to trust a woman to act like a decent human being). As for making decisions based upon temporary emotions, you already have and it didn't bother you then why would it bother you know? Its simple, he is security. Its nothing more then blatent self interest that keeps you from divorcing him. I stand my ground, your a terrible human being, you have destroyed two lives because you decided to be selfish and self absorbed. Your husband and your child do not deserve this, and you don't deserve them.

[Revamped]

@hellionthesagereborn... My goodness keep calm! Granted to you I'm a terrible person. Possibly first get married, then we can be real...

[hellionthesagereborn]

No, that has nothing to do with it. If some one who is married says the exact same thing as me what then? That's an excuse. Your husband put all of his faith, love and trust in you and you rewarded it with betrayal, you stabbed him and your child in the back (because lets be honest once your child is old enough to understand he will be disgusted with you (as he should)). If you can't be loyal to the two people closest to you then what good are you? What are you good for? Your a horrible human being, you know it and you are just to self centered to admit it. Stop making excuses and own your actions, that's what makes it so bad, cheating is horrible but the fact that you feel no remorse and don't care how it will impact your family, that's what makes you a worthless human being. I pity your husband for ever trusting you and I pity your child for having a mother like you. As I said your a terrible human being, that's not an opinion, that's a fact.

[Revamped]

@hellionthesagereborn... thanks for passing your judgement call. Cheers :-)

[hellionthesagereborn]

Thanks for being such a self absorbed person that you feel its okay to destroy your husbands life and your own childs. Some one needs to call you out on your behavior. Shrug it off if you want, but the emotional damage that your going to do when they find out is so sever that it will follow them for the rest of their lives. What would be your response if you had been loyal and he cheated? Bet it wouldn't be so dismissive would it? What happens when your son decides to either hate you for what you have done to his father or cheats on his wife, a wife who had done nothing to deserve that betrayel? That's on you, all of it. IF you can't be loyal to the one person who has placed all of there trust, faith, and love in you what the fuck are you good for? You could rectify the situation but you don't and that makes you even worse a person for it.

[Revamped]

@hellionthesagereborn... If I was dismissive about it, I wouldn't have admitted to it.

However, GOSH!!! looks like I touched the wrong nerve? Have you personally had a run in with a cheating girlfriend?

[hellionthesagereborn]

No. You don't have to suffer from something personally to not wish it on another human being, its called empathy and morality. I've seen the damage it does to others how it breaks them and they don't really get over it (just yesterday a girl on this website was talking about how she found out her father cheated and her entire life was altered, he was no longer the person she thought he was and she could barely look at her mother knowing that she was oblivious to what her father had done. It ruins lives). Justify it to yourself all you want, your a shitty human being for it and the saddest part is you have something so many other people wished they had and you fucked it up, you threw it away and you don't even have the decency to be ashamed of yourself for the damage you are doing to the people who trusted you the most. That's the part that makes it so disgusting.

[Revamped]

@hellionthesagereborn... ease up on the insults... condemn my actions but not me as an individual!!! It's not in your place to do so.

Besides, some of us use this as a channel to "verbally" express our skeletons so as to soberly tune back to doing the right thing.

You must be a unique male specie if at any one time your passions or desires have never got the best of YOU!

[hellionthesagereborn]

They haven't. I have never cheated, I have done everything in my power not to do harm to others, and I haven't condemned you for cheating, I condemned you for not giving a fuck about doing so. That's the problem, you are indifferent to the wrongs you have done, you continue to make those "mistakes", you said it yourself it was and is a continuous affair meaning your actions where not a mistake but a repeated choice you have made, your emotions didn't get the best of you, you just chose to cheat because it was easier then communicating with your husband, of considering that maybe things are different because he now has more responsibilities, that they may be different because you thought that some how being married and having a kid would just suddenly make you a happier person and when they didn't instead of looking at your self and analyzing your feelings you descided to run away at the expense of another persons well being. Its not the mistake, its the attitude towards your choices.

[hellionthesagereborn]

I never insulted you, I stated exactly what you are and what you chose and continue to choose to be. It was your choice, it was your actions and it was your decision to continue down this path instead of doing the right thing, to even attempt to justify your actions to yourself. That was a choice. You could fix it as I pointed out but you have chosen not to and I cannot stand by and pretend like this is acceptable behavior. Mistakes happen, but what do you call something that is intentionally done over and over again with complete disregard to how it will hurt others? A really shitty thing. And what do you call people who do that? Shitty people, no different then calling a liar a liar and a thief a thief. You have chosen this and you don't feel remorse for it, not enough to stop doing it, not enough not to talk about how "exciting" it is to not care how badly you hurt another human being. What would you call your husband if he was the one cheating on you? The exact same thing.

[Anonymous]

The longer you stay married the harder it's going to be if you decide to leave. My husband was a lot like your husband. We've been together for 13 years and have 3 kids. He's completely changed. He hasn't taken a day off in years. He works at min 60 hours a week. Everything changed when we had kids. You said he's a wonderful father. Do you have kids together? Honestly if you're unhappy now I would really consider talking to him about it.

[Asker]

Yes we have a 3 year old. We had her very quickly (I was actually pregnant on my wedding day!!). We didn't get married because I was pregnant.

When we had our little girl, we had a lot of financial strain, so the difficulties you have then.. you put it down to being new parents. I had post natal depression too which didn't help. As things have got easier on us financially and my PND has cleared, you would expect things to improve massively!! My career is back on track and we're not paying out as much on childcare. But it hasn't improved any... I think it's highlighting more that I'm not happy.

[Asker]

Did you have the conversation with your husband? I have had the chat before about his ambition and I don't think he's going to change. He just isn't that type.

[Opinion Owner]

I did before we had kids. I was always mad when he wouldn't go to work. His excuse was we have money what's the big deal. I wasn't raised to think that way. I stuck it out and now I never see him. I don't know which is worse, honestly. I would defiantly talk to him before you make up your mind. I would also imagine your life without him.

[Asker]

I imagine my life without him all the time and that's worrying, as it seems quite nice. I've even looked at houses to rent, if I was to decide to leave. I won't be rushing into any decision though. I feel like I'm already making my exit plan 😢

[Opinion Owner]

I'm so sorry. That's a hard choice to make. Definitely try talking first. Does he have any clue you're unhappy?

[Asker]

He can sense I've pulled away and has sensed that for a number of months now. But he doesn't know I'm unhappy as such. I've been trying to get my thoughts straight before I speak to him. We're due to go on holiday in August for a week (without our little girl) so I think that'll be a good indicator of how things are going to pan out.

[modeve]

Don't take any decision in hurry. Your husband is caring & loving. If he works a lot, he might be thinking of relieving you of financial pressure. Let the time pass in cool mind.

[sanaughty]

if it's not enough for her it will never be. why settle for a life of misery. people delay divorce cause the too scared to admit they made a mistake.

[Asker]

I won't make any decision in a hurry. It's such a big one that impacts all of our lives

[modeve]

Very nice thinking.

[UnknownXYZ]

www.court-records.net/.../miles-shrug(d).gif

"He's a wonderful man, he's a great man in fact and a wonderful father."

This my might be a tough pill for you to swallow but you don't really think this. You perceive him as "lesser" and you losing respect for him as a result, hence the attraction is waning. Your own value of your self-worth is telling you that you feel entitled (you want this, let's not play games) to a man who earns a lot of money and ambitous in making a lot of money.

Right now, you do not see your husband as a loving and kind lover but rather a shitty provider. You don't value anything he does or provides for you more than your "materialistic" ideals which is actually very common for women. This is hypergamy in a nutshell. You subsciously feel you are married to "lesser" being because you making more money. At this stage, the only thing that can solve this "materialistic" mindset problem is for your husband to earn more than you. That's really what this problem is. You believe you can't respect your husband as a "man" if you are provider in the relationship, you simply can't and sadly, this plays directly into the whole idea that "men should be the breadwinners and women should be the carers".

Once, you accept all of this you can now look for solutions.

Many at this point, will just divorce their husbands and marry a rich and ambitious man because he is fulfilling your hypergamous desires even though he doesn't fulfill the "wonderful", "great" and "wonderful father" part.

You can also look to work on your marriage. You do that by swallowing a big humble pie and take a big look at yourself in the mirror. Right now, you are acting as if you are doing everything right in the marriage and your husband is doing everything wrong. This is an alarming sign because you are directly undermining all that he contributes to the marriage and you are putting yourself on a pedestal. You first need to take yourself off that pedestal and realize that it is mainly you who needs to change for the better.

If you want your husband to change, nagging and disrespecting him are the worse ways to do so, this will only lead to resentment. If you want your husband to be more ambitious, the best you can do is inspire him to change. There are a number of ways to do this: improving aspects of your own life (fitness, cooking etc.), giving him positive feedback, gratitude and feedback, or making him feel sexually desired and wanted.

[UnknownXYZ]

www.court-records.net/.../miles-damage(c).gif

There are a number of ways to do this: improving aspects of your own life (fitness, cooking etc.), giving him positive feedback, gratitude and appreciation, or making him feel sexually desired and wanted. **

www.court-records.net/.../miles-smirk(c).gif

You have to actively put work into making him feel good about himself and what he does which would trigger him to want to "better" himself.

Do not nag him.

[Kurodo]

It all sounds... Sad. Not in your typical way either, its like watching a car accident and then letting other people handle it while you enjoy hot dog on a bench or some such. What I'm saying is that obviously you seem very indifferent to the relationship and your kids and things like that. Seems to be a little more than just being independent but rather feeling disconnected. Like a machine with no power.

At the very least though you may not love your husband per se, you definitely care about him. I would imagine something like you being able to take him on your amazing material adventure of wiles and wonderment but everything can't always be so clean cut.

Though there's a stigma for setteling when it comes to things, you have to be realistic with your decisions. Really gonna have to look at how you will be affected immediately and then down the line and then even further than that. Where exactly do you see yourself? Will what you see make you truly happy? Will you regret it? Do you think this is something that can't be fixed? Do you think its something you should talk to him about or hide forever? Important questions.

[Asker]

My husband has asked me before, what is enough for me... I'm in this "hamster wheel" of always moving towards more but when is enough, enough? And the answer is I don't know when it's enough. I don't actually know what will make me happy but I do know I can't stand still... I always need to be moving towards my next goal. And with my husband, this is it, there's no moving forward. What we have is what we've got. He's happy standing still and I'm not. I'm definitely not going to make any rash decisions but I do wonder if there's anything else underlying that I haven't picked up on that's making me feel this way. So I need to take my time and get my thoughts straight.

I think you've give very wise advice by the way, very thought provoking.

[MargaritaPeach]

What if the goal you start moving towards is contentment? What if you fix your gaze on learning how to be happy with what you have, and you run towards that? It's fine to keep moving. Just move into an ever-tightening circle instead of an ever-widening one. You might find

[MargaritaPeach]

... that happiness is in the heart of the circle; not floating out in the wind.

[NahBruh]

I think that you both need to meet somewhere comfortably in the middle. When you get married it isn't just about you anymore. Being a family is a team effort and the best thing a team can do is talk about it, and then act on it. If course, no marriage is perfect, we ARE imperfect people, but the best thing to do is to work it out. Don't forget how the kids would feel if you 2 got divorced. If you guys talking about it escalates into an argument just remember to wear the bigger adult pants and stay calm. Good luck!!

[Asker]

Thank you for the thoughtful words. We rarely argue, and we can usually speak about anything. What's holding me back right now is that I'm not sure if there's anything underlying that's making me feel this way. I want to take my time and get my thoughts clear and then we can have a chat about it.

[Phantomium]

I will not pretend like I know what marriage feels like but why would you want to trade a "wonderful man and father" for someone who works his ass off and barely has time for his family? You two fell for each other because you are different. If he acts like you and is as ambitious like you, you two probably won't stand each other or barely see each other from all the work. Try to work it out. Talk to him. You said it yourself - he's fighting for you. You can't just bail on him for something small. You have a child together. Think about her as well. My father was like you. Very ambitious, 12 hours a day, 6 days a week and he was almost never around when I was a kid. And I hated that.

[Asker]

You're right and you speak logic but I think from my point, I'm losing respect for him because of it. I'm not going to make any rash decisions and I'll make sure and think things through. I'm not trading him in, I don't have anyone else, I wouldn't be leaving for another man. Maybe I need someone that can challenge me

[SteppingOnRoses]

i am not sure... but your husband sounds like a sweetheart

it's kind of sad if you're only problem is being bored in ur married life

not all people lead jet set life styles

i think u need to give it a time and see if u can learn to like your simple life style togther. appreciate the small things that make a marriage

i also think u should talk to him and u two come up with things u can do to be more connected

maybe planning monthly weekend get aways...

having date night I don't know

and set aside time to talk... really talk about your days...

as for your work... work is good but it isn't everything

dont forget that it won't keep u warm at night.

[SteppingOnRoses]

and marriage counseling is always an option

[SteppingOnRoses]

my advice is to try your best to make it work

and if your best effort isn't enough, then divorce

but i wouldn't go out without a fight

[Asker]

That's really good advice and I'm definitely not walking away right now. Although I definitely know something isn't right and I'm trying to get my thought straight. I know me and him need to talk and need to do our hardest to make it work - so much more at stake now that there isn't just me. And he'd be devastated not seeing his little girl every day, and I'd be devastated by that too. As would she!!

[SteppingOnRoses]

yes. you really need to talk to him about this

I think it will only work if he knows what is going on. only like that can he try to help.

[Asker]

Yes I know

[SteppingOnRoses]

Good luck

[MarkGerrits]

Marriage is give and take. just like life and just like a relationship. your married now. divorcing ain't what you want by the sound of it. you just have to find common ground where you both are happy. you want a fancy house? he wants a caravan? how about a normal descent home that has potential for a man cave. something for him to create without any input from you. his own space. that way you can decorate most of the house to be fancy. that way you'll have a some of both worlds. and if he really wants a caravan let him? you say you love holidays. so go tracking with the caravan from time to time.

[Asker]

No he wants to live in a caravan!! That would be his ideal, not having a mortgage, not having any financial ties. :-)

[MarkGerrits]

sounds like a gipsy to me. o. o ok yh that indeed is far apart. hard to find common ground on that. but still he has a wife he has kids. living in a caravan won't work.

have you talked to him about it all? like normal talk not yelling talk :p.

[Asker]

Yea we don't yell, we've never really argued. We live in a house now that he owned before we met - it's in a really bad area but the mortgage is really low and I think he'd be quite happy to live here. I wouldn't. I have the money to afford so much more but I don't want to be carrying someone else either. I own another house (I live there before I met him) and it's rented out right now. I cover that mortgage and he repairs but the current tenant isn't paying rent so going through the eviction process and then I plan to sell it.

It's a bit of a pipe dream I think about the caravan, he's a bit of a hipster and likes the idea of living off the land and solar panels on roof, and a self composting toilet. He'd prefer to spend his time freely and cheaply where as I prefer the luxuries in life. We're very opposite in that respect!!

[MarkGerrits]

Honoustly i'd just talk about it, as to how he could be happy without living in a caravan as that's not what you want. and you yourself have to figure out aswell as how far your willing to sacrifice to get to a point of where you can be happy. this is what i ment with finding common ground.

all i can say at this point is just communicate :). communication is key to everything.

[Asker]

That's the problem... I don't like to compromise. That's an issue I have and I think it stems from me having been an only child and also a very strong willed and financially independent female.

[MarkGerrits]

so what your saying is. you where spoiled :D? everything is give and take girl. at ur job you can't have it all either right? so why should it be different in ur marriage :D? relationships is all about compromising :P.

[Asker]

I wouldn't say I was spoiled but some might! I would say I have high expectations - in love and in life. I wouldn't settle for less at work.

[MarkGerrits]

then yeah he might not be the right guy for you. and you might not be the right girl for him.

but do keep in mind that you have a child together.

your in for a tough decision. but start by talking to him about it. he's still ur husband so you should be able to talk to him about anything ;).

[Asker]

Yea I do want to open up to him and I will. We have a good relationship in that respect. But I'm also worried about what will come out of my mouth when we do start talking. I don't want to end up telling him I want to leave and I fear that will happen. It'll start a ball rolling that I'm not ready to roll yet.

[MarkGerrits]

talk to him when you feel it's time. no need to rush. u've been feeling like this for quite some time already so a bit longer wouldn't make the difference.

[Asker]

Thanks Mark

[MarkGerrits]

no problem :). just do what feel right ;).

[Asker]

I could pack a bag now and leave, quite easily. That's scary. But I think that comes from me being independent - I'm not afraid to be on my own and I'm always careful to never become dependent on someone else. But I do need to take my time, and sit back and don't do anything rash

[MarkGerrits]

1 thing u do need to realise is that when you got married you decided not to live for 1 person but for someone else aswell. keep on mind the effect it could have on the other. and that's why I really recommend you to talk about it all with the guy you clearly care about. otherwise I think you would have walked out a long time ago.

[Asker]

I know 😢 everyone goes into marriage hoping it'll last forever. I certainly didn't think that I'd be sitting here typing this post in such a short space of time

[MarkGerrits]

marriage can be for forever. just gotta stay or refind common happiness. ofc that ain't easy.

and in your situation even harder. just don't give up without trying something :3.

[rkf_helps_247]

Hey. Now I'm not a married guy, bjt i do know a lot about it.
what you are going through is no different than the rest if the couples. You see marriage is about commitment, trust, understanding and love. Thats the foundation of it.

Now these days couples seem to marry just with feelings, have some years together, get bored and then moves onto divorce. Well if you ask me, this is a pretty dumb move. Getting divorced won't change anything. Mayb it'll be good at first but then it'll go back to the same old thing. Better to do is to adjust to your life that you have right now and try to make the most out of it.

[castratedwhiteguy]

He may be a wonderful man, but obviously you've lost total respect for him simply because his lifestyle ambitions and work ethic are beneath your high and mighty corporate standards. If that's the case, than don't even bother discussing it with him. Just make an appointment with a divorce lawyer and then slap him with the divorce papers.

For god stakes! Just get it over with - already! He doesn't need your money and he sure as hell doesn't need you hanging around and pretending that you still love and respect him!

[Asker]

I don't quite know what to respond... it's not really helpful advice, is it.

[castratedwhiteguy]

The income disparity between you and your husband is, and will continue to be, a major strain on your relationship. You said so yourself. Unless you're willing to support this guy until he either finishes college or trade school, then your marriage is doomed. It's unhealthy and dysfunctional for both you and your husband to live this lifestyle indefinitely, and without any end in sight. Hope this helps!

[Barrabus_the_Free]

Here's another one that's looking for an excuse to cheat, and setting the groundwork to portray herself as the victim as she nukes her marriage for cash and prizes. Regardless of her making more than him, she WILL seek vagimony, and the Kourt WILL grant it.

There are a great many reasons that no man should ever get married, and OP is showing several here.

[StrawberryBabbbby]

lol yup i hear the same story plenty even i agree

[Asker]

I am not having an affair, nor do I want to have an affair!

[StrawberryBabbbby]

you sound like you are planning on cheating
I have seen it multiple times

[Barrabus_the_Free]

@StrawberryBabbbby

Yup.

To paraphrase Shakespeare, "The wench doth protest too much, methinks".

This is SOP (Standard Operating Procedure) for married women.

[gingersage]

go outta your way to change this use upbeat and extreme measures to change it... if the man loves you he will be on board with you if he makes fun or light of your efforts then he see's nothing wrong and should be talked to.
one way... travel agency and make payments on a trip away...

[Asker]

I definitely won't make any quick decisions - need to get my thoughts straight and then have a chat.

[JohnDoe3000]

Difficult decision: the grass is always going to be greener somewhere, that's a normal feeling you'd have in ANY marriage, but on the other hand if you're really planning to leave it's better to do it sooner than later. Just remember that the perfect man does not exist, marriage is always a compromise.

[Asker]

I'm not certain - I think I need to work some things out in my head and take it slowly. Such a big decision especially as I'm playing with the lives of others.

[johnmichaei]

you're bored because you're not having what you want and he's satisfied so that's not compatibility without communication of all sides it's going downhill

[Asker]

I know we do need to communicate about it. We've said before perhaps we could benefit from counselling - well I said that and my husband asked if it was really that bad that we needed to go to that measure? Maybe that was the first sign that we didn't share the same problem.

[johnmichaei]

that is true without that open communication I understand that a man always thinks everything is good

[johnmichaei]

but I love Communications in my relationship

[sanaughty]

get divorced and this will prevent you being miserable. in the end you will get nasty with him and he does not deserve a life with a miserable wife. you know it's not working move and find the man you need. but remember the grass is always greener on the other side cause there's more crap.

[Asker]

You've said on another comment about how it's not enough for me, and that's right. But is that maybe how things go in a marriage? That you settle and build a life with someone and regardless of what that life is, if they're a good person, it'll all work out?

[Asker]

I know it isn't always greener but I'm not leaving for someone else. I'm incredibly independent and the idea of having my own house and my independence back feels amazing. I am very attracted to someone that I work with but I'm sensible enough to realise that he isn't actually my type (although he has some traits that my husband doesn't... a well paid career for one). But my attraction to him is a symptom of how I'm feeling right now about my marriage.

I don't know if it'll pass.

[sanaughty]

I would never settle. I've been married for 26 years and everyday it's fun exciting and new. there is no monotony. she accepted me the way I am and I did the same. I stopped dating women who tried to change me. if there are many things about him you don't like ha email you got the time to change him. to be happy. after he has changed to suite you will he be happy. what if he tries to force you to change. can you hide your feelings and for how long.

[Asker]

Part of me wonders if this is a passing phase. I'm not sure how long I'll be able to hide it for

[Criptic]

I say talk to him maybe you will get to a common point. If he is a good husband then it's not worth doing anything you might regret.

[Asker]

It's hard to inspire drive in someone though. And he asked me, he really does. He says I'm all he has ever wanted in life and he is very happy.

[Criptic]

You can try if not for a complete package at least for a nicer house. It's a bit sad he seems like a great husband and he does love you. You may not find anyone like him. And a split up would be painful for everyone.

[Asker]

I think my expectations are very high. And that definitely doesn't help. Maybe this is an issue with me, maybe I need some counselling or something

[Criptic]

Don't be hard on yourself. Just don't do anything rash that you may regret. It's understandable to want to improve your lifestyle. Best case would be to make him understand you.

[Asker]

Part of me feels now that he's holding me back in life as I'm moving forward. As he isn't moving forward with me. And maybe part of me is just bored

[Criptic]

Yes but it's the stability you have with him that makes you feel this way. Once the stability is gone​ most likely you won't have the option to move forward until you find stable ground again. It's just my opinion I'm not an expert it's just what I feel.

[Asker]

Yea but once I have that, I'm master of my own destiny

[Criptic]

I guess you kinda made up your mind about it and you're really looking for confirmation. I don't think it's the right thing to do but I hope it works out for you.

[Asker]

I definitely haven't made my mind up but I know what way I'm swaying to now if I was forced into a decision

[Anonymous]

This is what modern marraige and divorce is like

[Asker]

😢 sad

[Crankor]

decide first, aside from your issues with him now is if you see yourself really having a future. some things can be worked around but depends on if how he is is his personality or character. one can be changed much easier than the other

[Asker]

I always could see us having a future but something has changed in the last few months that I can't see that any more. But I wonder if that can change - it's changed once so surely it can change back.

[saga010]

well the reason for clash is similar to minee u both have different tastee n preferences u r also going the same as i am. i have been married to a girl who i never love but am still wid her hurting myself n u r also going the same

[Bananaman177]

Well, just for the record, could you share your exact wedding vows, please?

[seanfossy]

blunty? if youve got to think about it you're not happy, love isn't something that needs thought about it just is, even just thinking about that person makes you smile like a mad man and make your heart race

[Asker]

I know but what if that comes back? What if I walk away from something that is amazing but I just couldn't see it? I'm not ready to make the decision, I haven't given it enough time. I'm just not sure how much time I need to give it.

[AlwaysBelieving]

Sounds like you got married out of passion alone and not ask each other about your core values.

The thing is if both of you want to work for the marriage or not.

[simple-question]

Divorce his ass and take it all—there is another hot guy waiting- I am amazed at how such trivial whims will allow you to trash someone like that—life is hard – woman up!

[CoolSky01]

you can't have it all, if you think you can find perfection then you're delusional ma lady

[es20490446e]

How did you wanted your life to be like if everything was possible?

[Asker]

Bigger house, living in a nicer area. With a career man. I know my goals are fairly materialistic but even in my own career I've judged myself based on my salary and earning potential and by what I've had. Me and my husband are very different in that respect and I don't think I realised it would potentially be such a big issue. He did. He's always said if I leave him, it'll be for a career guy - someone that's driven like I am.

[es20490446e]

When you had everything you wanted you'll realise that happiness is non lasting, and after a few days you feel exactly the same as before.

On the other hand choosing a job just because you wanted to have as much free time as you wanted isn't the opposite to that, but the same. Just expressed in a different way.

The problem isn't the earnings, the problem is you aren't enjoying anything! The antidote for that is doing something you really wanted, even if it's getting a nicer car or living naked in nature.

[Anonymous]

if you are not sure then you are not happy

[Asker]

Yes I agree. But I do wonder if this just temporary? Things often wax and wane so maybe I need to ride out the rough times and things will improve

[eagle1951]

try talking to someone.

[Anonymous]

Hmmm well the issue is you're British

[Asker]

Why is that the issue?

[UnlimitedGainz]

Get your divorce as soon as possible

[LastNightmare]

we can talk girl

[Asker]

😢 it's so hard to know what to do

[LastNightmare]

first of all, take a break honey

[Asker]

How do I even take a break from my marriage? As that did enter my head

[LastNightmare]

not from a marriage, from the thought

[Asker]

Ah ok!

[LastNightmare]

we can talk further now