My husband calls me ungrateful?

[Anonymous]

So last week was my birthday and previously my husband bought me a new bookshelf that had been collecting dust in my daughters room since Christmas he bought it and said he would put it together as it was my Christmas present. Well the only thing i asked for on my birthday was for him to put the bookshelf together and take me out to dinner. Well we got drive through and came home which was fine i wasn't mad. Then i waited and waited to see if he'd actually put my bookshelf together. Four days pass and i asked him again if he would and replied yes. Mind this he told me every week he would do it with his buddy... Well i waited again.. Then Saturday i asked for the final time i asked if he would put it together I said if you don't want to put it together than we can take it back to the store there's no point of it collecting dust in a box if were not going to use it which i wasn't angry about i said it calmly. Then they put it together at nine pm at night which we live in an apartment complex so i told him that the neighbors probably didn't want to hear hammering all night. They put it together anyways. No issues. Then after their done roughly eleven at night at this point I get a little cranky and ask him if we can go to bed and i said thankyou. He ignores me his friend makes a comment in their modern language how i am ungrateful for everything when i even said thank you. I never argued once just asked if we could go to bed cause i hadn't gotten a lot of sleep all week. I never got mad or irritated with him i asked calmly everytime but these days he doesn't want to even be near me. I work fulltime go to my daughters therapy sessions twice a week and for awhile i was going to court every other week. The only thing i ask is that we dont stay up too late some nights so i can get some sleep. My husband believes i shouldn't be at home all the time that i need to find "friends" which i have i just dont hang out with them every day... We've been married almost three years.. Help?

[CallMeDave]

Happy belated birthday!

What you described certainly doesn't sound good. It seems like things aren't good between the two of you. Has it been like this since the beginning or did it change at some point after you got married?

Why is he wanting you to spend more time with friends? Is that so he doesn't have to spend time with you and you won't be upset about it?

At the time you got married, how much time did you spend together? Has that declined a lot? How about the sex life? Has that gotten less frequent too? If so, it seems like the two of you are losing the connection you had. Did something happen that got him mad at you or is he just someone that doesn't want to spend a lot of time with his wife?

[Asker]

Last year we went through a rough patch but it seems that its gotten a lot better were communicating more but everytime I ask him to spend time with me once a week he's too busy.. I understand he owns a company and I've worked my schedule around his, my kids life, and my mothers to please everyone. I do all the cleaning, i run all the errands the only things he has to do is take out the garbage, cleans the cat box once a week (put new litter in) start the dishwasher. I do everything else i make sure all the bills are paid, house is clean, run to appointments for my kid, and etc. I've asked him to listen to what im actually saying instead it goes in one ear and out the other. He doesn't do much around the house and he's not home much and if he is he's upstairs at his guy friends house. I feel like screaming into a pillow with my frustrations he says im controlling but he does whatever he wants! I dont argue with him anymore because he won't listen he says im controlling and treats me like i mean nothing even though i do everything else to make it less stressful for him.

[Asker]

plus i work a fulltime job.

[CallMeDave]

Wow, you sound like quite a giver. I think a lot of guys would really appreciate a wife that does so much. Running a business can be a very difficult, stressful, and time consuming thing, but I really don't understand why he prefers to spend his limited free time with a guy friend rather than his wife.

How much time were you spending together when you got married? What did you see in him that was appealing to you and what do you think he saw in you that was appealing enough that the two of you wanted to get married? It seems like whatever that was has been lost because it doesn't really sound like you have much of a relationship now.

You said "I've asked him to listen to what im actually saying instead it goes in one ear and out the other." I think that's a significant problem. In a good relationship, I think both people should listen carefully to what their partner is saying and take it seriously. Then when there's a disagreement, I think the two people should have a respectful discussion to try to find a mutually agreeable solution. I think it's pretty hard to maintain a good relationship without that kind of communication and listening.

You said that you think you're communicating more. In what way? It seems to me that if he never listens to what you say that's not really good communication.

If you'd prefer not to discuss too many details in this public area of the site, feel free to send me a private message. Whichever way you prefer is fine with me.

[Asker]

We used to spend every minute of everyday together pretty much worked together thats how we met. He worked at the same place but we werent coworkers. Last year he wouldn't listen at all he told me he hated me. It got to the point where we couldnt stand to be even in the same house together. When he told me he hated me something inside me snapped and i slapped him across the face. Im not an abusive person I have never hit anyone before and i even apologized because i felt bad for awhile. But it seemed after i slapped him he started treating me with more respect and listened and i dont want to say he's afraid because im not mentally for physically abusive ever. I just had enough of being treated like crap. But now he's starting to do it again and i dont want it to get there again. I've always asked for the respect i deserve. Last week he hung up on me and i literally had to lecture him not to hang up on me. He won't answer my texts or calls anymore he says he's too busy for me. When he is free and he just doesn't want to pick up for me anymore. when im sad he tries to comfort me that is what gives me hope but im losing hope and we both dont believe in divorce. He says he loves me but then doesn't want to come home and we dont live with my kid so its not about her.

[CallMeDave]

It certainly seems like there are significant problems in your relationship. You shouldn't feel ignored or that he doesn't respect you. He shouldn't feel like he doesn't want to be with you or that you're ungrateful. You say you think things are better than they were a year ago but I must say it sounds pretty bad to me.

If there's any way that the two of you (or you alone if he won't go) can talk with a marriage counselor that might be a good idea. My guess is that there are some deep issues that need to be addressed if the two of you are going to be happy together.

Why do you think he doesn't want to spend time with you? What things does he tell you he doesn't like about you? Does he think you are too demanding or too critical of him? Are you stressed a lot? (That wouldn't surprise me at all considering all that you say you're doing.) If so, do you think that stresses him or that he thinks you're not fun to be with because you're stressed a lot or always thinking about what work needs to be done?

Something seems to have happened if you went from being together almost all the time to him not wanting to be with you much at all in the span of just a few years.

[Asker]

To be honest we never had a regular relationship it was always stressful in the beginning between people judging us on being together and fighting to be together. We dated for over month and and decided we would live together to see where it goes and how we would get along before we took things more serious on that note we had to other male roomates as well in a two bedroom apartment. They moved out about a month later after we wanted to find a place for ourselves and told us to take over the lease and they would just move out. It was fine. We didn't argue much. About two months later we got married which was about six months of being together. Even though he was from another country i never got the vibes that he was using me because this boy had everything already armani, education, and everything he wanted his parents gave him. He never intended to stay here he ran away to get away from getting married and settling down to finding me and getting married. We married in secret because my family is racist and at that time my kid lived with my mom while i was going to college just temporarily.. but thats another story.. everything went great they found out about four months later. I was happy. Then came paperwork for his visa as he was here on a student visa didn't expire and was in good standing but because we married it had to be updated. Financially we were fine we both worked money was never an issue. Then had to file about six pages of proof that we were fine and actually married because we loved eachother. We met with a lawyer and she decided that we were "fake" because we got married at the court house. But I work security I've never done anything illegal I've never even been drunk... Then months go by were fine he gets approved at 2.5 years for his two year green card. Were fine new year comes and bam we fight we argue it was bad he hated me. Everything became" his money"

[Asker]

and after we tried to work on it by taking a vacation went to florida we went to disney world he told me i was acting like a child when i was excited because I've never been on vacation before. He told me over and over i was acting like child and i walked away i literally left after the first ride. walked back to our rental and we left went back to the hotel the rest of the day.
later i tried getting my kid back and my mother refused to give her back so we hired a lawyer that was pricey. We ended up going broke because we payed 8k to try and get her back and my mother decided to fight me for her. Knowing how stressed i was between going to college, working fulltime, and attending her therapy sessions and visitation and cleaning the house he told me i was lazy. SO i refused to even speak. I stopped communication with him altogether seemed to work for awhile. Then we had that fight on the way to one of my visitations to go see my kid and something happend at his job he wanted me to turn around and drop him off when it could of waitied another hour so i could go and see her seeing how these were mandatory he called me selfish. Then the rest happend...

[CallMeDave]

That all sounds like a mess. I think it's not unusual that after two or three years together couples reach a point where things aren't going as well as they did in the beginning which is why I think it's a good idea to be together for 2-3 years before getting married.

If you're doing all the things you mentioned before, it's hard to imagine how anyone can call you lazy or selfish. Hopefully you'll be able to work through it and be happy but from what you've described I think it's probably not going to be easy.

[Asker]

I dont give up easily and we dont want to be with anyone else. I think we just need to reconnect again. But how to I get him to agree to go somewhere we can without him thinking i just want to control him and in reality i just want to reconnect with him without the outside world butting in all the time?

[CallMeDave]

Maybe try saying that you think you need to connect again and asking if he'd like to pick somewhere fun to go and something fun to do? It doesn't sound like the Disney trip went very well but hopefully you can find somewhere else that will go better.

[Asker]

I just want to spend time with him. He hates cuddling and im not clingy by any means once in awhile yes but not very often. I mean were young but I just want to experience life with him before we get older and regret it. We want to start a family this year but i dont want to until its fixed.

[CallMeDave]

I understand wanting to spend time together. That's important to me also.

Have you ever taken the quiz at www.5lovelanguages.com? If not, you might want to and see if he'll do it too. That tells you which things are most important to you in a relationship. If you both understand what you and the other person needs that can make it easier to do what it takes to keep both people happy.

I think you're smart until you have the marriage going well before adding a child into it. Children take a lot of time and effort and can add strain to a marriage so I think it's really good to have the marriage be solid before having children.

[humanearth]

He was showing off in front on his friends and bring a dick at the same time.

If I tried that with my wife she would smack me and make me look like a fool. So I don't dare to disrespect her. She has no problems return what is giving.

[Asker]

I'm more dominate than he is but i dont treat him like that he hangs out with friends everyday. I ask him to do a few things and he complains about taking out the trash we literally have VIP garbage he can't stick in out the front door so they can pick it up? Or start the dishwasher and fill up our cats litter box (fresh litter)? I clean i do everything for him to make him happy and a lot less stressed. I mean I'm the one who has to initiate sex or it doesn't happen. I know he's not cheating because its against his religion but things are a lot better than what they were a year ago.

[humanearth]

I can relate on some points especially about sex. Oh I hate having to be one on that always have to get it started.

Well with us treat each other about the same. When friends are around. It's kinda like a unwritten law we have between us and don't break the bond.

As for doing things around the house I to tend to blow stuff off to. That must be a guy thing.

But I have no trouble doing dishes, but she has a problem the way I do them. To me doing the dishes means clean the kitchen and not just the dishes. So I will do the whole thing top to bottom and put everything away. I get the anal get it right from my mom.

I been married for 24 years and this summer will be our 25th. So yeah we have some things the same.

[Asker]

I've always been thankful for everything he does i say thankyou everytime. But he doesn't respect me anymore. But i ask once in awhile he doesn't do everything every week.. But he was raised in Europe his customs are a bit different but in his religion the woman is the king in the house. But i dont go on this as its not my religion i believe everythings 50/50 but he won't see it as that. He says he does but then its not our money its his money even mine and then its why dont you go out with friends everyday ok yes im young but at heart i feel older than my age. Buts he's 26 and im 28 he won't even make love to me anymore he can live without intimacy forever as long as he gets laid once a year he dont care. which makes it even more frustrating cause i dont get my needs met either.

[humanearth]

Okay I am now going to ask a few questions if you don't mind.
Do you live in the states?
How long did you know him before you two got married?
What was it like before you were married?
Did have something traumatic happen since you been together?
Do have any serious money troubles that just sprang up in the past year?

If I just go by on what you have told me so far. I believe he may have falling out of love you. Now this is just what I have read so far from you and it is only my opinion now mind you.

If you want to and you want to feel like you need to speak more privately. You can always speak to me through The Girls Ask Guys mailbox system. But I am totally fine here if you are.

[Asker]

We live in the midwest he is from turkey originally. We waited six months after we got together. I knew him for about eight months total when we got married we started talking November the previous year. Nothing really traumatic besides me smacking him. Were fine financially now. But last year was the worst year. So far this year isn't that bad just trying to get things better with him seeing as i may never get my kid back fulltime. I want this to be sorted before we even start to try and have a baby together. I love him as much as the day i met him when i met him i had this feeling like i knew i was going marry him sure enough he proposed. He made me happy happier than i have been in a long time. Our sex life was good he's never complained about it really. we have this game that i teach him a new English word every week. He likes it. He says he loves me still. But last year i thought he was using me for a green card because i have yet to me my inlaws in person. But they know about me. I talk to his sister occasionally. They seem nice i just want to meet them. he's had them on Skype with me before but then i noticed some activity on his phone for a POF account. He made one and looked up women on facebook. It hurt me and i told him to delete it or i was done. he never cheated but the intention of him creating one hurt. Now this other fight happend its not as bad as last year its a bit better but its not where i figured we would be by now. Im thinking maybe we should take a break go on cruise and relax to figure it all out of what we want and if we should go see a counselor i mean were not screaming at eachother everyday which is better but it hurts when he treats me like i dont matter.

[humanearth]

Midwest hey i know that area very well I'm in Wisconsin where all that dam snow is coming down and my tractor want to be a bitch and not start. But that another story for another time.

Okay I going bring up something that's a red flag for me. You mentioned about a Green Card. Now I do know of 3 couples that went though this and 1 that just started this journey. One guy was from the country of Jordan and he used her for everything. Once the USA was off their backs and he was in the clear and made a citizen through marriage. He started all kinds of shit disappearing on her. Running around on her. He was the worst of the worst. One day he never returned.

Two of the couples are still together, but they had their up downs. One set they been together 12 years and the other 6. Them are good.

Now on the newest couple. My belief is she is using him. They been married close to 3 years. She already has her family coming over for the summer working for him. The whole family comes over from Paraguay. They fight all the time, She wants her family her and wants him to sponsor her whole family so they all can live here. I don't see this ending well.

Now with that all to the side. Is he safe now from deportation or is he still at risk? If he is no longer at risk. Maybe just maybe. Well I don't have to say it.

Loosing children through other means can be a very rough ordeal. That situations can't help matters none. The sorting it out sounds like the smart thing to do and waiting for children would sound best. How does he feel about waiting though?

I hate that social media junk. I seen that crap destroy relationships. How you wonder? Well it the ease of access to the mass of people and makes cheating very easy. Easier then ever then before. By the way what is a POF account. I never heard of such a thing? Looking up women is not a good sign. Is he known for having a wondering eye or this new behavior.

So far what I am seeing and from I have learned from my past. It's not look

[Asker]

Plent of fish its a dating website. Were from Iowa. But I mean i dont think he is because i mean why would he stay and make a company living with me his business is in our home. But at the same time he never calls or texts me anymore. I grew up on a farm where we worked for our things I dont care about money. Never have never will I was raised as a boy.

[humanearth]

Yeah I Know the farm life very well. I have a farm. And I know what your talking about. City people hide and keep that shit all bottled up inside of them. City people are so stupid sometimes. Us farm people have to work close together and learn work it out.

As for the dating site. He might be looking for a way out and trying to save up money so he can run.

Do you have a plan in case my opinion becomes true?

[Luvsmybabydoll]

I feel your pain, however you need to stand up for your relationship with your husband. First off a drive through is definitely not a birthday present and neither is homekeeping!!!
The vibe I get from what you've said are you both intimate? Is HE working full time as well? ( I hope he is) "doormat" coming to mind I would be pissed if it where me.
Well I advise you from the 💓 .
Sit him down and tell him exactly what you need feel and want from him, and ask him the same. But please stand strong do not be a doormat x

[Salsacumbia]

Your husband needs a reality check, and i dont think he knows how to treat you right. You are not asking for much out of him, so tell him off if he keeps telling you that you are not greatful. Its not right of him to say you need friends, you got your own ways to live your life so does he, but both need love and understanding and communication is extremely important in a relationship.

[Lightning8]

I think he is struggling with something within himself. He may even feel he doesn't deserve you. What I mean is, women have theoretically evolved to be hypergamous meaning they date up. It's thought that women have had more evolutionary genetic influence the entire species than men have due to their power to select. Given the environment of women's hypergamy, men have theoretically evolved to be polygamous and therefore more importantly, to date down. So when a woman demonstrates more competence than her male mate, it could cause and deep evolutionary phsycological discomfort where he feels not good enough.

I could always be wrong on that account, but I will say I think you are a rare and progressive woman as well as your relationship. But the two of you should really sit down and have a discussion of how things are going, no ultimatums, accusations, blame, victimhood, etc. Just use facts and feelings, and be willing to be compasionate. At the same time, think seriously about what real boundaries you have and establish them with him as soon as you can when you are sure. Then be prepared to enforce them by making certain comforts you give him scarce. Just because men respond much better to action.

[kingofthellamas]

I think perhaps you are thinking that he is a man and therefore should be doing the shelf building thing. Possibly a little bit sexist but I don't know, perhaps you are doing the cooking and cleaning thing - I don't know.

Either way it sounds like you want him to be more wage about DIY. I doubt he will be. Why not just use taskrabbit or one of those locks handy man apps and save yourself the arguments?

As for the drive through - I'd be more pissed about that to be honest.

[Asker]

To be honest its not cause he's a man cause he's more like the wife in our relationship I simply asked because he promised to do it and i randomly asked once a week I dont nag him there's no point in nagging him simply asking shouldn't hurt.

[kingofthellamas]

Yup, he should not have said it. It's clearly not his thing

[ovixs90]

Maybe you said with a wrong tone thank you. It might sounded that you are complaining. Sometimes people don't see when someone do something for them. That they often complain about things and be nagging that everything is wrong.. You put this wrong you done that wrong. I lived with a Spanish girl as renting in the same house. So she was always complaing everything is wrong and i bet she probably dosn't even notice that.

[BlondieGirl_]

He’s an asshole sweetheart you sound like you remain pleasant and positive even though you have a lot on your plate xxx

[Liam_Hayden]

Spouses are supposed to put each other first. At least in this instance he did not. It is also unacceptable to criticize in front of others or to let others go unchallenged when they criticize your spouse.

[Ephemera1]

Something else is going on. And he's bottling it up probably because he's scared to hurt you by telling you it.

[Anonymous]

You sound like an angel. I would have put that bookshelf in the middle of his favorite room with a note "put me together" after the first week! Honestly he sounds like a lazy ass and he needs to start treating you better.

[sassygirl13]

Go to couple therapy. It seems that your issue is more deep that just a simple comment.

[jaejaeraa]

So the thing was no one wanted to put the bookshelf together?

[Asker]

It wasn't that specifically its that after he did it and promising to put it together and after thanking them even though i was cranky he called me ungrateful even though i said thanks and then told me im ungrateful for everything pretty much when it was just about the bookshelf and made it into this whole other thing. Its exhausting thats why im asking for help.

[jaejaeraa]

Help specifically for? His behavior?

[Asker]

How would i be ungrateful i would believe was my question i don't have a negative attitude that's why i was asking. I didn't even nag him i asked him repeatedly not even on the same day as he promised he would since it was a gift. I don't nag him like other women do i may ask him if he will once in awhile but i refuse to be that naggy wife.

[DiegoO]

Maybe a couple therapy would help. Get a therapist and give it a try.

[NoxWriter22]

You sound ungrateful.

[Philyouup]

he is being a dick.. and a little immature

[DarkCorners]

What can i do?