Am I being an ungrateful bitch for wanting more in life? Is it too much to want to have a life and a career? Having something going for yourself?

Question

Me and my husband have been married for almost 5 years, when I met him he was so good and the complete opposite of the players and assholes I had dated and gone out with! I was head over hills in love with him and we married 4-5 months after dating! He didn’t have a visa and was an overstayer in the UK, he didn’t tell me this when we first met he told me this after we went out a few times! This wasn’t an issue for me as I felt he was genuine and honest with me, we married and now we have a 3 year old daughter & he got his visa after our baby was born! I feel like I was really stupid and naive when we first met and whilst in was the intense honeymoon phase we moved too quick and married! Now I feel like I don’t really know him, he never talks or opens up to me only talks to me when necessary and gives me details of things that he chooses! We basically have no connection as a couple, he works away all week and comes home on weekends! He is not a bad person and has not treated me badly while I have insulted him a few times and he finally turned back and called me a few names in return which I understand everyone gets fed up and responds back the same way! But I honestly don’t what to do! As I said we have no connection, it was the same when we first met and when I moved in with him in a shared house he would always be with other male house mates which were his friends too, but I was too blind to see it or question if it would be the same forever? As said I was pretty naive! I understand he work away all week for us to bring money for our family and keep a roof over mine & our daughter’s head but we never do anything together! Dates nights/days are out if the window, he never helps me with childcare I always have to cancel things when nurseries are closed or ask my mum to watch my daughter! I work part time but have to always get time off due to childcare! Am I being an ungrateful bitch for wanting a better married life? Or wanting to have a career or enjoy my life?

quaranta · Accepted Answer

Well, marrying before living together for a couple of years is like gambling, like you experienced. But, all over the world there are cultures where marriages are arranged and even though that is not ideal, some of them get to work to some degree (I mean, internally, not just because they "last"). Of course to do that, those couples endure a long path of denial, discomfort and desperation at first. But then "familiarity" kicks in and more or less, things start to get a bit better.
Now I'm not saying any marriage should be kept as is, some are not recoverable, some include abusive mechanics, some involve damage for the children, some involve cheating and the trust can be never recovered again. But here your problem is none of these, and you can probably recover it. And you really should, because you want your child to not become another broken teenager with any psychological and behavioural issue, right? That is always caused by bad and unstable parenting, so you better hurry up to fix your marriage (you decided to become parents together, so now you can't throw the responsibility of this choice on your daughter who actually didn't ask to exist - the child comes first now).
You're not "ungrateful" towards him though, and I think having a better marriage is something he wants too, so if you both are on the same wave about improving your marriage you can start a path through couple therapy. During those sessions, you get to tell your partner things you wouldn't say otherwise, you argue, but then with the guidance of the therapist you learn better skills to communicate the way you feel and to appear reliable to him enough to open up to you. And viceversa. It basically helps you going through the needed arguments (too many things are hidden under the carpet at this point) and things should unfold afterwards, now with better tools to tackle the next communication issues. Probably at the moment you both don't trust each other because you can't open up to each other, and without trust/communication it's normal the couple is stuck, or leads to a breakup. So that is what should be recovered. Trust takes a lot of time to rebuild because it's not based on forgiving each other, but on learning how your partner is changed in better and won't repeat any of the previous things that made your trust break (and as long as you remember them, like the way he reacts to things, it will be difficult to "overwrite" that with opposite signals, but that is the only way to start rebuilding that connection: it takes time and work).
You need anyway his cooperation here. And most likely a third party guiding you two (therapist / counselor) because you proven in 5 years you weren't able to improve it alone, and the daughter is now 3 so you better not lose other time about this.

APrettyLittleLady87 · Accepted Answer

In many ways yes you are being an ungrateful bitch. In fact when you say your hours were cut elsewhere & don't indicate you're looking for other work or maybe considering some cheap coursework to better yourself/your opporunities you're a lazy ingrate.

1) You chose to get married to someone that was essentially a complete stranger. You weren't 15, you were 25 at least. Deemed an adult in every country around the world.

2) You say that your husband works all week long whereas instead of looking for another job you sit on your ass now that your current job has limited your hours.

3) You resent your husband for taking 'last minute trips' but when you say he works all the time these are likely business trips not luxury trips he is making for the hell of it.

4) You begrduge child for needing babycare / care. You chose not to use birth control & have a child. Nobody kidnapped you & held you in a remote shed for 9 months.

5) Hours were cut. TALK to your husband about a potential course to better yourself, NOT sit on your backside and whine to strangers.

Datboi65 · Accepted Answer

I always say this to people, marriage is a commitment and having a child is a permanent change. Before you even get together, you need to have difficult conversations about the future. You need to know where you stand on some issues as well. You said it yourself, he's a hard-worker who provides for his family. Your problem with him is his lack of availability, which I think can be worked on with some better planning.

The problem I have with a lot of modern women is when they marry a man who is very busy, then try to change his schedule to suit them. If you want someone who is preoccupied, you're gonna have to accept their situation and not complain about it. Do you think that men prefer to work over seeing their family? Of course not, but certain sacrifices have to be made in order for everyone to live. I don't know about your financial situation, but it doesn't make much of a difference in this situation. Either he's a blue collar worker who works hard to make money for his family, or he's a successful and busy man with a difficult schedule that allows his family to have a comfortable life. Regardless of the two, someone has to take the fall and it's usually the man.

If he does make more than enough, then you probably don't need childcare as you can stay at home and take care of the children. That will allow you to not worry about work, so you will have less stress in your life. If you are living paycheck to paycheck, then I would understand why you have the job and in that situation there's not really much that you can do about the situation.

Remember that it's always about the children, they come first. You already made your decisions and I think that even if you did decide to leave him, you are only going to make things worse for yourself and your child. Therefore, it will be a lot better if you learn how to appreciate what you have rather than complain about the situation. We all have our breaking points, but you said that he hasn't treated you badly even when YOU did which I say is rare to find in a person. Be more grateful.

nitsuj86 · Accepted Answer

Are you ungrateful? Maybe. Honestly, you sound more childish than ungrateful.

Here's the thing, you did all of those things willingly. No one forced you to marry this man in 5 months, then have his child. Sounds like he works to support you 2, and you choose to insult him because you are upset with YOUR choices.

Whether you have a connection or not, you made a baby with this man. That child is not yours, it is both of yours. And if you choose to break up the family, because you were to "young", let's be honest, stupid. Then you are incredibly selfish. Especially if you expect him to pay child support to you while you go find yourself.

If you want a career, a child isn't stopping you, but it will make it harder. Well, I guess you should have thought about that. You need to "man up" stop being such a pussy, and accept the world you have built for yourself, and try to make the best of it. Study at night to find a good job in tech somewhere. Most of the time you don't need a degree. Nothing is stopping you but laziness.

I assure you, you won't find much better out there as a single mother, especially if the men hear your full story. I know I would be out the door.

Summeroflove · Answer

I think you need to talk about how you feel and go through marriage counseling. Marriage isn’t always easy and there are hard times.

It takes work to make it work. I think your best days are ahead when you can work through this

Guy13 · Answer

How about do the things you did together the first 6 months plus baby sitter

monorprise · Answer

Its not uncommon for men not to be big on commutation, naturally we speak only when there is a reason. This is just how men are by nature, we solve problems and if there is any bonding to be had it is going to be thou solving problems.

Its women who want to talk all the time for the sake of talking and bonding. For many if not most guys, this doesn't make any sense. As such if he does it at all he may feel its a chore. A a new hard to understand demand upon what little time he has on the weekends to be home.

Likewise in most traditional cultures both in Europe and around the world children are a woman's responsibility. Women did not work outside of the house because raising a child as well as historically taking care of the house takes a lot of time. Indeed it was soo much work and soo costly until almost the 20th century it took a full family (grandparents included).

Its hardly shocking that our culture started to fall apart with in a generation or so of losing all that. Many of the problems we have in the west today are a direct result of soo many of us having not had that care as children.

Anonymous · Answer

You fucked when you had your daughter with him.
I'm sorry, but it's the truth.

It's not about what you want anymore, it's about what's best for your daughter. I don't mean to insult you as a mother, I'm sure you already know that. But you're not exactly in a position where you can just leave your husband and meet someone else.

Of course you could, if you want to damage your child's stability, but that's up to you.

I agree with the dudes saying to get counseling. That's your best option. Learn to fall in love with him again and make it work for your kid

Anonymous · Answer

@sepide Yes you ARE an ungrateful bitch. Because instead of trying to make things work with your husband and the father of your daughter, you whine like a toddler.

You said that he works ALL week. Did you even ONCE consider he might want a holiday? Did you even ONCE consider he might want to go out for a nice meal? Did you even ONCE consider suggesting hey honey let's go to the movies, let's go bowling, etc?

There's an oppurunity to address things, to rebuild your bond, etc.

Instead what you sound like you're doing is sitting on your ass, doing nothing to make this relationship work, and resenting your husband for a decision YOU are EQUALLY responsible for. So BE an ADULT and TAKE responsibility for YOUR decisions. He did NOT hold a gun to your head and say come with you or I'll kill you. YOU decided to get involved with him. YOU decided to get married. YOU decided to have a child with him.

Haha456 · Answer

sweetie, there is a high likelihood he just married you for permanent residency or a visa. There are a ton of illegal immigrants or foreigners who go to rich countries looking to marry so they can get a visa or live there permanently. I can across one myself when I was online dating. i also knew of another filipino guy who did the same to an American girl. They both are still married but live apart and are dating other people.

My advice is to stay away from marrying foreigners or illegal immigrants or people desperate for permanent residency. These marriages usually do not last. As soon as the government stops suspecting him of marrying for a green card, he will divorce you and be onto his real love

Anonymous · Answer

that is sad but i had a feeling he only married you for that citizenship visa... you are quite spontaneous. it's never ever a good idea to marry that young of age, and also never ever a good idea to marry someone you have only been with for 4-5 months... that's a quarter of year and a like.01% of your life lol. terrible... and now you have a kid holding you two together so you'll be bonded for life. this is quite the situation to try to get out of.

i just feel like he definitely robbed you of any happiness of how life should be because he was selfish and only wanted a visa. take your baby, leave, live back at home or something, and start rebuilding.

Jhunitor · Answer

Yes you are ungrateful. You do not understand anything about the sacrifice he makes for your family. Your way of talking about it makes me think of a kid throwing a tantrum.

You are also an hypocrite. You complain about the challenges of having a 3 years old and a part time job but cannot think about the challenges of working during all week, away from home.

If he is away the whole week working, it is obvious he will have tons of things to do. If you want to do stuff as a couple start showing respect and stop insulting him. You need to help him in every way possible so he can make time for your couple things. You need to start by doing things for him, things that he enjoys or that will help him relax.

Keishio · Answer

You took a gamble and lost by the sounds of it but so did he. He's from overseas so I'm assuming he doesn't get contact with his family as often as he'd like because now he's away working to support his family.

If there's no connection or you've just fallen out of love it's not an easy thing to come back from but the grass isn't always greener. Any option you choose is going to be difficult and require work to improve your quality of life. Whether you choose to do that with your husband or alone is your choice

mobiusforniner · Answer

Welcome to marriage. The magic wears off and reality sets in, love isn't all dating and roses. Yes, you are ungrateful- placing blame on your husband for a life you BOTH agreed to. Marriage is commitment. Its isn't about the pursuit of never ending happiness. I suppose this flawed concept is why do many divorce and why so many kids dont know who their parents are

Watson2010 · Answer

Not at all you're husband does not appreciate you.

Someone else would had gone out with bff and live the kid with their mom.

What about the house cleaning you do for him?

What about you being the only way raising the child by that I mean you are the only one who is interacting with your child.

Sounds to me that you're just has being neglecting you. Wife needs love compassion.

He probably tough once you got married it would be all over no more dates no more romantic nights.

Do you guys even have sex?

Stop blaming yourself no you are not selfish the selfish one here is you're husband for neglecting you! Girlfriend you have been very patient with this men.

Don't feel guilty.

FilmGuy93 · Answer

I don't think you're being unreasonable, but I do think that you're in a situation that could have been avoided.

You took a gambol in life that unfortunately didn't work out. You will need to approach things differently to get the lifestyle you want.

This_Is_My_Opinion8 · Answer

You are never wrong for wanting to enjoy your life. Also not wrong in wanting to leave a bad marriage. Try to communicate him that you need a change. If he is not open to it then you need to consider other options.

DermalPunch · Answer

Can I ask where he is from? Also, does he have a big family in his home country?

DorothyJenson46 · Answer

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In_Trance · Answer

Have a conversation with your husband and come up with a plan to make it happen

Anonymous · Answer

Watch the anime chainsaw man and look at how the main character Denji chases his dreams and apply it to your life.

Iron_Man · Answer

Go to family counseling

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