well... As I said, I'm having an affair with someone I work with. Happened out of the blue, it wasn't planned. It really did just happen ( cliche I know)
anyhoo, at work we just say hi and chat about work like we always did. Fine by me.
We see each other maybe every 1-2 weeks outside of work which again- fine by me.
The thing that I'm having trouble with is the zero contact we have between meets. I mean texts, I'm not allowed to text until he does first- we can go days without one. Then a quick missing you, are you free Saturday. His reasoning for this is his wife sometimes has his phone, I totally get that. But surely there must be opportunity to send a quick message? He's done it before and at the beginning I heard from him most days.
We've spoken and he said it's because the coast isn't clear. But I think there has to be time when he's alone?
My female friends think he's just not a 'texter' and uses texting as a tool to arrange things rather than a risky way of communicating with his lover.
When we're together it's fab. He tells me what he truly feels,we chat loads and he's pretty amazing ( it's not just sex) he's spike about us being a 'real couple' and told me that he loves me.
Still- without the communication in between I feel anxious and worried that this his just his technique ( he's in an arranged marriage and has been unfaithful before, one night stands though )
I guess what I'm asking is- WTF is going on, but from a male view point?
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> I'm here to try and understand how the male mind works
Hopefully the cross section of postings appalled at your conduct will have provided an insight, but I think you mean what do we think your co-conspirator thinks of you, rather than what is the general male reaction to this web of concealment and lies.
My perception is that your co-conspirator’s mind is deceitful to his wife and disrespectful of you because you both allow him to abuse you. She is probably turning a blind eye to his philandering because knowing what he is doing she can’t stand to be intimate with him. You are simply an illicit zero maintenance sexual convenience for him, and may not be the only partner outside of his marriage.
> It wasn't planned
I don’t see much distinction between the womanslaughter and the murder of two marriages, whoops, sorry I forgot to suspend judgment there momentarily. Don’t offer defences of your conduct if you don’t want condemnation.
> at work we conceal it. We see each other maybe every 1-2 weeks outside of work
> I don’t like zero contact between meets.
Too bad, that is the deal you have made. You have no rights that he doesn’t confer unless you go public and bust up both marriages. Chances are your “relationship” doesn’t survive that stress. Your marriage almost certainly doesn’t. As your husband I don’t know I’d even want to look at you after this.
> I can’t text until he does first. He can go days without one.
Well at least he’s got some restraint at something I suppose.
> there must be opportunity to send a quick message?
There would be if he cared about you. I’m afraid he doesn’t care about anyone but himself.
> He's done it before and at the beginning I heard from him most days.
Yes, and now he has you exactly where he wants you, why would be put himself out any further than to arrange the next sex session. The fact that sometimes its cuddles and chat rather than bedroom gymnastics does not make this a relationship in the sense you hope for.
> My female friends think he's just not a 'texter'
They are delusional, or have issues being honest with you. You are foolish for involving more people in this web. The chance of it all blowing up grows exponentially with the number of people that know.
> He tells me what he truly feels, he's spoke about us being a 'real couple' and told me that he loves me.
You buy this? You may be delusional too.
> without the communication in between I feel anxious and worried that this his just his technique
You don’t say. You are being royally screwed in all senses. I don’t feel sympathy. Never mind the male mind, what were you thinking?
> WTF is going on
I have tried to set it out as clearly as possible above. I don’t see any happy ending for anyone in this scenario, except the other guy who will just probably move on and wreck other lives when all this gets out and he ditches you and his wife.
What a mess.