Outside of the monetary doubts, what else causes you to question if you’re willing/ready to marry someone?

[DizzyDesii]

We already know a lot of guys consider girls to be gold-diggers. I personally would want us to both sign a prenup to avoid the risk of either of us losing what we came in with. But aside from the money situation, what else is there?

For me, its odd because I dont worry about staying faithful in a relationship. I know I can and want to. Yet i fear that being religious and marrying puts on extra pressure with remaining faithful. I know it shouldn't feel like pressure at all if you have a good heart and good intentions but it kinda does. I fear as a couple we could eventually end up lacking an emotional connection to the point where one of us flirts or confides in someone else.
Its not like dating and then emotionally cheating where your partner determines if thats ground for a breakup. Divorce is an even bigger deal. To me, its scarier since I’m religious and don't want to disappoint or end up being an adulterer. But then i remind myself that communication is key and as long as we’re both willing to talk it-over and hear eachother out, neither of us should ever consider straying.
#FeelFreeToList #TheGoodTheBadTheMarried

[HighlyVolatile]

In Japan, a prenup is rather pointless since we don't have alimony here. Some guys on here have called me a fool or simp or something for getting married and risking losing half or more of what I own but they're assuming marriage laws and customs that don't exist in my country.

The only thing I became concerned about before marrying my wife is that we get along as well living together and sharing domestic responsibilities as we did on our dates. That was something I was especially concerned about since I had an ex long before my wife to whom I was engaged to be married, and we got along so well while dating only to find we could barely get along when living together.

So I lived with my wife for a couple of years in my small little cramped apartment in the middle of Tokyo. Yet we got along so well even in that cramped space that I got tempted to purchase a house and invited her to live in that house with me as my wife. I also talked to her a lot; I wanted to make sure she wasn't one of those women with a fairy tale happily-ever-after view of marriage, and she made it clear that she certainly wasn't.

[DizzyDesii]

Yea i want to live together 3-6 months while engaged. You can't fake how you are at home for longer than a week haha

[HighlyVolatile]

That's something I definitely learned the hardest way with that one ex. I think we can always summon our better sides on dates, and even if we stay over at each other's places for short periods. We can always return back to our place if we aren't in a good mood. Yet we can't do that away from each other if we both live in the same place.

So I often think the real taste of a relationship begins when we can't do that and one or both of us having a rough time. That's when I think we truly discover whether we're more likely to alleviate each other's stress in such situations or contribute more to it. I found with my wife that we tend to alleviate it. If I'm having a bad day, she brightens it up when I find myself at home with her, and vice versa. If we're both having a bad day at the same time, that's the most challenging but we usually still end up hugging and laughing at the end.

[HighlyVolatile]

* real test, sorry

[DizzyDesii]

Im so afraid of wasting time again that i stopped tolerating shit. If im not about it, we’re over. No more 2 years just to end up single

[HighlyVolatile]

I've found compatibility in communication style might be the biggest thing in retrospect. I might have saved a lot of time and grief if I knew that up front.

My wife and I both have this exact same communication style which is very prone to deescalating conflicts. For example, if we have a point of disagreement with someone, neither of us is inclined to attack the other person's point. We have no interest in "winning" arguments. Our style revolves around "sharing" and trying to establish mutual understanding rather than "winning".

So when my wife and I disagree on something, I start talking about why I think a certain way about the subject. Then she starts sharing why she thinks a certain way on the same subject. Then we both usually end up with a sort of eureka in the end where we completely get why we think this way. We might still disagree but we get each other and understand each other even better than we started, and that usually results in laughter, teasing, and hugs, even if we still disagree at the end.

That basic communication style seems to keep us harmonious with each other for life.

[DizzyDesii]

Thats actually pretty good. Im guilty cause i do have that needing to be right mentality and the guys i date would usually back me in public and tell me im wrong in private. I’d donthe same to them. thats probably not healthy but it worked for us.. that is until we arguer with eachother and couldnt be eachothers “backup”

[Inbox]

@highlyvolatile Even with the demographic collapse in Japan there's no alimony? Is it cultural or something else?

[HighlyVolatile]

@Inbox Yep with respect to alimony. With the declining birth rates, the biggest problem to my best estimate of it is that in Japan, people usually don't get married until they can afford a decent home to raise their future children. Our custom here is only to get married if we can afford the proper home and children.

So I have many friends working two or more jobs in Tokyo, for example, with SOs of over 10 years but they still don't feel like they can or should marry since they can barely make ends meet with the living costs which have been skyrocketing in the past decades, especially in the most densely-populated areas.

So the decline in younger generations getting married in the first place is still largely rooted in a financial concern (although a counter-culture is also emerging as a result) to my best understanding, but not concern over the costs/risks associated with divorce, but the costs of being married and raising children in the first place.

[HighlyVolatile]

@Inbox Unlike some other cultures where it can be common for the poorest people to have the most children, in Japan the cultural mindset usually promotes the opposite. If we encounter a Japanese family with many children, for example, they're usually quite wealthy and own a decent home for those children. When Japanese are poor, they tend to avoid marrying and having children at all.

[HawkPerception]

All of your post is well said and pretty much the same thoughts I have on relationships.

As I mentioned on your other post, similarities are my main concern when I think about marrying someone. Do we have the same views, so if we eventually raise kids there's no conflict? Do we have similar interests so we can enjoy activities together? Do we have similar goals, so we both know we are working for a similar end game and walk a similar path in life? Do we have a similar sense of humor so we can share tons of laughs together? Do we understand each other well that we can give each other a look and know what the other person is thinking? These are the types of questions I would ask long before marriage and more at the start of the relationship.

After being in a relationship with them for a couple years I think I'd be fully aware of whether I'd want to marry them or not.

[DizzyDesii]

But what about for yourself? Would you doubt anything about yourself in terms of getting ready for this huge label

[HawkPerception]

You said outside of monetary concerns, and if my partner is willing to sign a prenup agreement, then my main concern is the similarities aspect as mentioned above.

There are a few other concerns I could mention I guess. Usually after marriage, after having kids, women tend to marry their kids and romance and effort into the relationship decreases significantly. I want to live my best life, so I might be a little scared of that outcome.

Then there's also the comfort level. Most women tend to stop caring about physical appearance and working out after marriage or even just after a while being in a relationship. They get defensive if you try encouraging them to workout, even if you suggest working out together, saying stuff like "You don't love me for me!" The fact of the matter is, men are visual, and while we won't leave you if you get burned or disfigured, we do appreciate seeing an effort to maintain your fitness and physical appearance. I've noticed that many middle aged women just let it go because they fall into that comfort zone, especially after marriage.

[DizzyDesii]

I’d hope the guy and i agree to put the kids first in situations of danger but outside of that, i’d always make time for hubby. Shoot i wanna stay getting laid just like him 🤣 As for appearance, i think both have to stay on eachothers ass about in a tough love kinda way. After just 6 months of dating, this one guy got extremely comfortable and started gaining like crazy. I tried to suggest working out together and he refused each time. I tried to compromise and he only kept up working out for a month. Back then i was in the gym 6 days a week so his response irked me. After i grew tired of trying to talk him into it but knew i still loved him, he then talked me into exercising less but constantly telling me i looked great. Boy do i regret having cut back on the workouts. I’ll never do that again nor will i date someone like him again. Shoot im still tryna get my old body back. But anyways my point was that either party can start slacking when they get too comfortable

[HawkPerception]

I 100% agree with you. Holding each other accountable is great tough love. I would personally love if my partner told me, "You're too skinny right now. You need to eat and workout more! Let's both go to the gym together and help keep each other accountable!" Or if I was getting fat, then mention the same thing in a fat version lol.

[DizzyDesii]

Well not that tough 🤣 Us girls are still sensitive. I’d just prefer they say lets go workout together. And if we dont catch on like my ex didn't then maybe say “your shape isn't what it used to be, lets workout.” See that way we can't tell if you're calling us too slim nor too fat 🤣

[HawkPerception]

That's something I believe people, both men and women need to get over to be honest. People need to stop being so sensitive. If you're in a relationship with someone, you should be able to tell them straight that they got fat or they need a little weight without them getting upset. If your loved ones can't tell you, then who can?

In a relationship, we already know we love the person for their character. But we want to be physically attracted as well (at least while we're young enough for physical appearance to matter). Effort to maintain yourself, but just for your partner should be a given.

[HawkPerception]

not just yourself, but your partner as well***

Still don't know why GaG hasn't added an edit option lol

[DizzyDesii]

Loved ones can't tell me that either unless they say it nicely like “you dont have the same shape anymore” 🤷‍♀️ So i’m saying i want someone to be blunt but still respectful. I know how to be blunt and it keep it respectful/professional/etc

[HawkPerception]

Gotcha haha. I know I can't apply the standards I have for myself to others. My bad if I came across like that 😅

[Aerissa_Jade]

Stability, some people say all that matters is love and I almost want to laugh at them and be like, sure while your living under a bridge freezing and starving.

I am concerned if he has 30 jobs a year... and even IF he always has a paycheck and money coming in, that just seems not good at all.

Ironically I've never been accused of being a gold digger, by anyone that actually knows me as I've always made more than the men I date. Even now the man I'm engaged to, I make a little more than him, around 30k more year than he does.

Trouble communicating or talking about things in a reasonable matter, if he just goes all quiet and silence and then blows up later.

Although personally if I can make it through the first five or ten years of marriage, then there won't ever be any problems after that.

[itsalyssaagain]

I’m scared of marrying a man who doesn’t love *me* but loves the *idea* of me.


This is because a lot of the men that have liked me have fallen in love with the idea of me. But when it comes down to me as a person, what makes me happy and how I react to things that upset me etc, they overlook it. I’m scared of that.


I’m also very scared of being cheated on again. I don’t think I could bear that kind of pain for the second time.


All in all I’m basically refusing to get married unless I miraculously meet someone who leaves me with no doubts about his love and loyalty for me.

[n4meAL]

oh ;( few days ago i liked a girl, i like her because of the idea but we parted because of distance

;( :( ;(

[n4meAL]

She from russian ;(

[itsalyssaagain]

Aww I’m sorry

[jennifer_bloom]

I guess if a guy has black and white thinking or if he has sense of his own value or if he takes the easy way out cause he can’t own up to his duties and responsibilities or if he ignores low importance people because they are not beautiful or rich, or if he is fake or manipulative, the bible teaches, you never sell your moral value for power in the world.

[DizzyDesii]

Very true

[RedpRms]

What do you mean by he has sense of his own value?

[LovingLoverReturned]

I'm also afraid of divorce. To me that's basically losing a family member after the point of marriage.

But I trust that no matter what happens, as long as I am doing right, there is hope and proper procedures to recover and continue a happy life.

What else I question is if they , not just love me but are loving and hopeful in general as much as I am.
I saw a question on GAG, would you stay if your spouse got into an accident that deformed their face or body? A good question to ask them.
Also then I would ask if they would want me to stay if that happened to them...
I would assure them that there is hope of some ease by cosmetic surgery..

There are really only two anchors for relationships. The small anchor is physical attraction. The large anchor is attraction to mind.

There are some relationship psychology video-books I believe in... most suck but these are the shit in my opinion so, I wanna get to reading them more in the future.

[DizzyDesii]

I dont fear divorce. I fear emotionally cheating that leads to divorce. And yea i saw that question and said i’d stay if we’re married. If unmarried then they’d need cosmetic surgery or i wouldn't stay

[LovingLoverReturned]

Divorce signifies irreconcilable differences. Unrepentant wrongdoing.

Problems can be worked out... unmet needs... but if one of us "is" the problem and it can't be fixed, unwilling to fix it, all hope is lost.

[DizzyDesii]

If someone emotionally cheats in a marriage thats still cheating and i wouldn't want to fix it. I would want to divorce that person becauee i wouldn't be able to trust them anymore

[The_Shadow_Dweller]

I am afraid to talk to girls of my age. I am more afraid of the things I might say to her that may end up her being not interested in me. Or annoyed by me. Also I do not want to be the dominant type of husband. Partners. But that too, I fear, I may screw up, because of lack of experience.

The divorce thing was always there. I earn everything before marriage, then after marriage, she is the 50% owner of everything, like wtf?

The possibility of false charges pressed on me and my family is a whole different scenario. Divorce can be settled with money and all, and that can be earned back. But the consequence of false charges is irreversible.

I don't understand one thing... if divorce is so much beneficial for a woman, then why do you not prefer it?

[DizzyDesii]

The only women who WANT to benefit from divorce before even marrying are gold diggers. When we’re a strong independent woman who holds our own and doesn't need some mans money, we dont see divorce as beneficial.

[The_Shadow_Dweller]

See? Misconceptions on my end!

Tell me how can I improve over this problem?

[DizzyDesii]

Just ask us anything you want to know. We’ll either answer or say that we’re not comfortable answering

[The_Shadow_Dweller]

🙂👍

[glennos89]

Not all woman are gold diggers! Only a small part of woman are after money.
For me the whole marriage thing is something that used to be normal in the past and society expected everyone to be married.
Personally I do see the point in it. Why should the love for your partner be documented in a system that will let you pay heavely for braking up when things don't work out.
If my partner wants a special "wedding" day, she can get it but I don't feel the need to do it in a official way where the government is involved in documenting it. We can arrange a wedding without the legal stuff aswell and it makes for the relationship no difference if it is official or unofficial right? If the love is their and the relationship is good, why does it need to be documented by marriage?🤷🏼‍♂️

[DizzyDesii]

I stated above that a lot of men like to think the majority of women are gold diggers. I wasn't sayin that we all are. And j agree that the marriage shouldn't have to be government run

[Kaamraj]

Prenups get thrown out of court all the time, all she has to say is that it as signed under duress or for the judge to determine that situations and circumstances have changed from the time the couple got married. She could have a degree but choose not to work, but the judge will see that she can't work and award her alimony irrespective of the alimony stipulations. And then there is the issue of child custody and support where women overwhelmingly win over men. Children are the only reason why men should get married because a two parent household is the best to raise children.

A woman might change totally after her marriage and there is nothing a man can do about it, but a man has to continue to provide and protect and his end of the bargain is legally enforceable.

[Freiburger]

Money considerations didn't really feature with our marriage because we both had none. 😂 I can definitely see Money being a concern where there is an income/wealth gap between the two parties, one party does not intend to work, or they have very different attitudes to spending.

However, I think this is why, for love marriages, there's a lot to be said for marrying someone who is at the same stage in life as you and who you has similar/complimentary goals. Obviously, this presupposes sexual compatability, genuine love and mutual patience when it comes disagreements and stress while you learn how to deal with each other and with life's uncertainties.

[SmokyOne]

Not the slightest bit interested in marriage as it is in the US. I don't need to invite the government into my relationship, treating it as a business arrangement that's slanted heavily against me in the case of divorce. I can be just as committed without all that and I'd even argue that it's more authentic because there is no loss/reward for either people. You're there cause you want to be and that's special in my opinion.

You want to have a wedding under the eyes of god or whatever religion to stay right by your faith that's still an option, can have the reception and celebrate too.

Just my opinion

[DizzyDesii]

And the wedding under the eyes of God can happen without gov involvement? I dont think a preacher would want to officiate

[SmokyOne]

Didn't know god and the government were that close? I'd be willing to bet there'd be a ton of right wing small government preachers who'd officiate that in a heartbeat

[DizzyDesii]

Im not rep or dem so i dont really pay attention to the political aspect of it. Im just asking

[SmokyOne]

Reps tend to lean religious and in favor of getting the government out of private lives. So I guarantee there'd be preachers willing to do that.

Started researching a few minutes ago and found several articles of senators pushing to remove the government from marriage.

It's literally the worst thing done to couples. Pushes the husband to inherently distrust his future wife's motives, allows the wife to ruin her man's life on a whim or change of heart and even incentivises that behavior regularly.

Commitment is a choice and a promise made willingly and shouldn't be anyone business except close friends and family. Government and lawyers is about the most unattractive thing you could attach to a relationship.

[Guy__]

Agree, I heard bible studying people explain how true marriage being done only by god, means not the papers and routines we call marriage but the state of being in love. Real marriage means being in love for real. That's it. It will not serve you to have sex without marriage, that means only have it with people you love, not mutually masturbating.

[DizzyDesii]

@SmokyOne thanks for explaining it better
@Guy__ well i dont consider masturbation to be sex so thats not going anywhere

[Guy__]

I mean the term mutual-masturbation, rubbing each other's bodies with no emotions.

[DizzyDesii]

@Guy__ oh i wouldn't jerk off a person i didn't see a future with

[Femphile_xoxo]

Their wants for their future. For example, I'm a career-driven person who's not really interested in having kids. And I expect my s/o to pull their half too. If my s/o didn't care much about their work and really wanted to have kids, I wouldn't want to burden them with our differences later in life.

[kinggeorge007]

Not a fan of marriage. But I'll have to live together before deciding. Sex, personality, how they deal with problem solving, how far are they willing to compromise, how often they come to a middle ground, the ability to work as a team together for the mutual benefit, how do they spend the leisure time, and many more. Money is just one thing. There's a lot of things to consider when marrying someone. It's a long term commitment. Oh I forgot the most important thing, actually two. They should agree not to make babies and if the marriage didn't work, they should be able to let it go; ie divorce.

[DizzyDesii]

Agree to not make babies?

[TrulyPink28]

Sounds like you need a test drive first. Have you ever thought of what it would be like if you died alone?

[kinggeorge007]

Yes. I don't like kids. In fact I can't handle them it's too much.

[kinggeorge007]

@TrulyPink28 yeah that's what I said. Should test it first. And I'm alright with doing alone than having a nightmare marriage in hand or kids.

[Dchrls78104]

For me, added to those you already stated, such concerns would include:
1. Whether or not she were submissive in a Christian way, whether she trusted my judgement and respected me.
2. How she dressed and behaved I'm public and in private.
3. How she viewed me in relation to her relatives.
4. How compatible we were, especially in regard to important things like having and raising children, the handling of money, or even sexual turnons and turnoffs.
5. The kind of person she was, in terms of areas like personal indulgences and the control of temper.

[DizzyDesii]

#1 yea i know im guilty of not being submissive
#2 lmao yea i hope he can handle my mix of tomboy and exhibitionist 🤣
#3 i pray we both find a partner who can prioritize well because i refuse to come second to work and other things that shouldn't override love
#4/5 Yep thats extremely important

[Anonymous]

Prenups don't hold up in court so they are of limited value and, as a man, they are not a significant comfort to me.

The bigger issue for me, and I think for most men, is the ratio of cost/risk to benefit. Half of marriages end in divorce, by most estimates it is women who initiate 80% of them, and we all know men get shafted in divorce court and child custody settlements.

There was a study done that showed men benefit more than women from marriage, but despite how ubiquitous that claim has become, the study has been trounced and shown to be false.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4981792/

While I like the concept of marriage, the reality of it today for men is very different from the ideal most of us have in our minds. That is what causes me to question whether I want to ever get married.

[DizzyDesii]

I understand. I almost forgot about the custody stuff

[Guy__]

Aren't there deeper subconscious processes that dictate our attraction?
Doesn't it play out perfectly to make us grow?
That's what I heard from some coaches.
Like if we have certain childhood traumas, we'll be extremely attracted to those people who will trigger us later on and bring the pain to the surface, so we can heal?

[DizzyDesii]

Trigger you later on how?

[Guy__]

Of course later on, or you wouldn't be attracted to them.

[DizzyDesii]

Im saying give an example of what you're referring to

[Guy__]

One influencers shared his story, how his step mother was very abusive and controlling. He ended up dating the same type of women until he changed his feelings and beliefs.

[DizzyDesii]

Oh yea nah i feel thats a toxic naive ordeal. I dont go back and get with what i know will hurt me

[MrWolf]

Probably it's that the person isn't just ready yet to commit fully to the next level of relationship. Sure they want family and all that. Yet can't support themselves which kind backfires and makes me back away. Because I can't go through one more marriage just to end up being crushed because a person can't grow up and acknowledge that tango is for two.

So nahh immature is big nope in my book!

[Miristheiss]

Money was never an issue or concern in any way.
I grew up with the mind set that it is very common and normal for new couples to live meagerly the first few years, have a small place, work and save together. Just being together was the important thing.

Money was never anything I even thought about growing up. (unless she had some huge debt).

[DizzyDesii]

Yea thats why im saying aside from momey were there other doubts

[Anonymous]

Everything, there’s no benefit for a guy to sign the contract. Marriage used to work based on mutual dependency. In modern day there’s no dependency, it come down to happiness and with the up’s and downs over years when it gets hard people walk away because it’s easier to find new happiness than resurrect old.

I think the only modern use for marriage is to raise kids in a traditional and stable household.

If your goal isn’t to have a family, why not wear a ring and enjoy the relationship as long as it lasts? Why do you need a contract for commitment? It’s one sided and backwards.

[Anonymous]

Indecisiveness ( don't want to wait hours thinking about what to eat),
bad with money (spend lots on useless stuff like bags, shoes, dresses... they are fine to an extent)
rude to animals,
straight dumb (I know some who can't even properly calculate how much change they will get after some expense)
lost into past relationships, compare you with past lovers
countless half or full naked pictures on social media, only fans, operate any kind of sexual services
can't cook clean, or do any adult responsibilities properly

[Phoenix98]

If I’m in a position where I’m even considering marrying someone then there’s nothing more for me to question because my questions or concerns I would have had have all been resolved and answered by that point.

[DizzyDesii]

Thats a good way to put it. But im asking if there's any doubt in yourself, not in what you have with them

[Phoenix98]

Nope like I said if I'm at the point where that's on the table any concerns I might have either with them or with myself would be resolved.

[exitseven]

Sometimes you just know that the person will not make a good partner. If you were in the hospital for a month and your girlfriend does not even send you a get well card could give you pause about how good a wife she would be,

[DizzyDesii]

Reminds me of an episode of 911. The girl acted like she was in love with the guy and when he finally proposed, she asked for more time. Then she broke up with him like the next day. Then he nearly died and she refused to even come to the hospital to see him after having been with him for years

[exitseven]

that's cold.

[DizzyDesii]

And he still remained so nice to her. He ran into her like a year later and she was married to another man after having told him she wasn't ready for marriage. She also was pregnant after telling him she didn't want kids. She had the nerve to try to invite him to her baby shower and he was so nice he wanted to accept the offer

[exitseven]

I feel really bad for that guy.

[DizzyDesii]

Thankfully he met the one for him a year after that

[exitseven]

thanks for telling me that. So did I.

[Rizwan2029]

I am a divorcee at young age. My wife is seeking 40 lakhs. Aren't girls gold diggers u tell me. We don't have kids. I have masters degree she has a masters deggre but she wants my money so u tell me. If men and women are equal then y shud I give her. When in mariage she did not want to share the responsibilities but she wants my property so u tell me

[lilyanony1]

How easy is it for us to resolve issues?
How interested are you about life, whats their outlook on things?
Can they psufh at themselves?
Do they aspire to the sane kind of lifestyle I want?