I want to divorce my husband but he told me no one doesn't want damaged ‘thing’? We continue to fight. Should I try to fix my marriage?

[Anonymous]

Hello, I can say that our marriage happened only because he wanted it. He has been an obsessive narcissist ever since we met as friends. At that time, I could not understand him very well due to my age, but unfortunately I am in this situation now. He says he loves me, he gives compliments that I have never heard in my life, but he puts a lot of psychological pressure on me. Appearance, financial situation, etc. It's good, but even these don't matter because of the pressure. He creates scenarios in his head and tells me not to meet my friends. Yesterday I wanted to talk about divorce again and I said; If you really loved me, you wouldn't do it this way. I really want someone to love me. He said to me, "No one wants damaged things, I will only accept you," he said and pointed to my body. This made me very sad (because of the scars on my body). At the end of every fight, someone gets hurts. I was talking loudly, I couldn't control my anger and said to him, "You are trying to force your mother to love you because she left you, you are looking for attention." I don't know if it's our fault or his fault. What can I do? Should I try to fix our marriage? Should I insist on divorce? Sorry for English. I am using translate.

[OlderAndWiser]

"Hello, I can say that our marriage happened only because he wanted it." Doesn't the law require you to agree to the marriage? You chose him and, if you made a bad choice, you need to take responsibility for it.

"He has been an obsessive narcissist ever since we met as friends." So WHY did you marry him?

"He says he loves me, he gives compliments that I have never heard in my life," If you want to know whether someone loves you, ignore what they say and look at how they treat you.

"he puts a lot of psychological pressure on me. Appearance, financial situation, etc." This is the man you chose. How long did you know him before you got married?

"He creates scenarios in his head and tells me not to meet my friends." So, he is controlling, but this is not new behavior, is it?

"Yesterday I wanted to talk about divorce again and I said; If you really loved me, you wouldn't do it this way. I really want someone to love me." So you realize that he doesn't love you.

"He said to me, 'No one wants damaged things, I will only accept you,' he said and pointed to my body." Another tactic of controlling people.

"This made me very sad (because of the scars on my body)." Why is your body scarred?

"I was talking loudly, I couldn't control my anger and said to him, 'You are trying to force your mother to love you because she left you, you are looking for attention.' " He called you "damaged" and then you told him that he is psychologically damaged.

"I don't know if it's our fault or his fault." First, you are both at fault and you should not assume that you have tyhe moral high ground. Second, if your house is on fire, the most important thing is not to determine how the fire started; no, the most important thing is to extinguish the fire. Your marriage is a disaster and you should ask yourself "why" after you are divorced.

"What can I do? Should I try to fix our marriage? Should I insist on divorce?" You didn't tell us how long you have been married, whether you have any children together, and what the consequences are for you to be a divorced woman in your culture, so I can't answer that question.

[Asker]

Hello, thank you for paying attention to every point. I was a teenager when I met him, I couldn't understand his actions at that time, I already wrote this in the question. He didn't usually take no for an answer, and I was too much of a coward to say no. That's what I meant when I said our marriage was something he only wanted. I had known him for 2 years. Yes, him trying to control me is nothing new. He says he loves me but his actions don't show it so I think he doesn't love me he's just obsessed. I don't want to talk about my scars but somes beacuse of his. We have been married for 2 years and no we have no children because I don't want it but he does. Where I live, they don't treat divorced women very well, and my family is old and my husband helps them financially, so I'm thinking of fixing my marriage for them. He says I'm behaving like this because you don't love me. He thinks that the more he treats me like this, the more I will love him. But it's hard to love someone who treats you like that. That’s why I dont really know what should i. Anyway thank you again🙏🏻

[Oliverlogan263]

Woah that sounds really intense. Some red flags your husband is showing that concern me:

- Controlling behavior like not wanting you to see friends is not okay. You deserve to have your own life.

- Constant criticism about your appearance/finances just to put you down is emotional abuse.

- Creating scenarios in his head to accuse you of things is possessive and weird. That's not what trust in a marriage is.

- Saying hurtful things about your body is so disrespectful. No one should make you feel ashamed like that.

- Fights where people get hurt are never okay. You both should feel safe at home.

To me it sounds like this relationship has turned toxic and is damaging your mental health. His issues sound really deep-seated too from what you said. It will be nearly impossible to fix without professional counseling, which I doubt he'd agree to.

You should never stay in an abusive situation just to try to "fix it." Your safety and happiness should be the priority here. I think you would benefit a lot from getting divorced and starting over single. Sometimes leaving is the healthiest thing we can do for ourselves. Please don't be afraid to put yourself first! You deserve so much better than this.

[petitedollbabee]

Couldn’t have worded it better myself. 100%.

[Asker]

Thank you so much your support, I was about to cry when I read what you wrote, you are so right. I will do my best for me🙏🏻

[Oliverlogan263]

Aw mama, don't cry! I'm just telling it like it is. No one should have to deal with that kind of abuse. You seem really sweet and nice, you got this! If you need to vent or anything, just hit me up. I will make sure to hype you up and you know your worth. You got so much ahead of you still! Don't let some jerk bring you down. Time to go live your best life without that loser holding you back. I know it's scary but we're all rooting for you! You got this, stay strong!

[rosemilk]

few things. it sounds like you didn't even want to get married. you said he wanted it only. should have been your first red flag. second red flag is, he's a narcissist. and well.. that's explainable. third, it seems like there's an age gap. you said you couldn't understand him very well because of your age. i'm starting to see that he is totally manipulating you and has been this whole entire time.

fourth... he creates scenarios in his head? he is really mentally unwell. he is also trying to control you, gaslight you, and isolate you. by saying shit like "you're damaged, no one will accept you". which is NOT true. and he's likely projecting what he actually thinks about himself. but in order for him to feel better, he has to bring you down. again, narcissist.

i don't know why you would want to fix this marriage when it was never healthy at the start. do you think it'll get better? do you think he'll get better? you cannot cure a narcissist. get out quickly, do anything in your power that you can to get away from this marriage because honestly, i don't even know you, but i'm worried for you

[Asker]

Yes, we have an age gap, every time I talk about divorce he tells me to shut up. He says he treats me like this because I don't treat him well, but I don't even treat him badly? Like a dog, he expects me to do whatever he wants. I'm thinking of fixing my marriage because my parents are old and he help my family, but it's hard to live like this. I really doubt that he and him obsessive behavior will ever get better.

[Bethany22]

Divorce him, but let him have most of the money. That way, you are forced to take responsibility for not screening the guy well enough before marrying him, as well as paints you in a good light for the next guy you want to marry (the new guy won't have to fear as much that you will take everything from him if you ever decide to divorce him as well, as you make it seem as though you took full responsibility for the fact that the previous marriage ended).

[blueonblack22]

He’s a control freak and you need to get professional help on how to best resolve this asap.

His compliments and obsession about how he wants you to look stems from a very deep (and dangerous) insecurity he has. Ton of red flags here.

You probably mistaken his controlling behavior as “true love” when this all went down. I’ll cut you some slack because you were very young. But this sadly common with women who fall in love with dangerous guys like this.

He is in love with the fantasy of who he wants you to be vs what you really are. You need to know the difference.

My advice is to get professional advice asap. On one end I don’t want to quickly assume what this guy might “potentially” be but I also want you to be safe too. You need an effective and safe method to prevent this from getting out of control.

There is a possibility that he could become a dangerous aggressive stalker if you leave him. I’m not talking about just following you around on social media either.

[Asker]

He said he followed me a few times when we were friends. I thought he said it to scare me but I don't know

[blueonblack22]

Get professional advice and tell your counselor exactly how he is acting. Don’t exaggerate what he says out of anger/fear but don’t hide/downplay it either. Also be completely honest about how you feel. Even be honest if you “like” being controlled.

[wiltingrosepetal]

He's trying to make you insecure so you feel forced to stay with him. Divorce his ass

[joehypo1]

Its time to do the right thing and either drvorce him or get counceling if you want to try to salvage marrage but it dont sound like it will get much better someone who takes whatever flaw you may or may think you have and use it against you is very petty and childish and is a red flag these people will try to wreck you phsycologicly

[Drumlin2001]

Not really much detail to go with as to what issues in marriage are, but he's lying. You would find someone else who won't be bothered about any scars. It sounds like he's manipulating you, which isn't a great way to treat someone you you're supposed to love

[AutumnSerenity]

I would absolutely file for divorce, whether he likes it or not. He’s disrespectful and manipulative - that’s not love. You’re not a “damaged thing” and there is definitely someone out there who can love and respect you much better. Find a place to stay before you file to avoid another argument.

[McLlovin]

Yes. Work on your marriage, don't give up. When you get through the hard times you will have a much stronger relationship. Something about going through stuff together brings people closer. The thing is some marriages dont ever get a chance to blossom into something better but die out like withered flowers. Hang in there.😊

[wolfcat87]

He's abusive and controlling. That's not going to improve.

[RageBabe]

Being with a man who lacks empathy is unthinkable. I wish you the bravery to go through with a divorce. I'm sorry this is happening to you; you deserve so much more.

[Asker]

Thank you so much

[RageBabe]

You’re welcome. 🫶🏼✨

[Hispanic-Cool-Guy]

Your husband sounds like a terrible dude.

I'm against divorce, but what your husband is doing to you is psychologically breaking you down that if it goes for a longer period of time, he will destroy your self image and confidence you have in yourself to a point of destroying yourself of esteem.

The best I can tell you is to separate from him and live in your own apartment or he moves out and you both just have sex til you both fix your problems to live together again.

[HelpfulWoman]

That's a lot of words for no question because the answer is fucking leave already.

[Fireguy17]

he is an ass hat, the sooner you leave his sorry ass the better off you will be.
I have scars and no one ever pointed them out, so don't worry about it despite what he says.

[Asker]

Thank you so much 🙏🏻 You’re really strong person

[DARKCLOUD1945X]

You are dealing with an abuser. As hard as it may be especially with the worry of your parents but sacrificing yourself for them is only going to last for a short time before he stops helping and causes great pain between you and your parents just to hurt you. The only damaged goods in this picture is him and his mental stability which is doubtful. It may be hard but get rid of him. Pick up the parts and start again

[HawkPerception]

I usually give a long winded explanation, but I think all the good points were taken by @Oliverlogan263 . Leave his ass

[Nikki1989]

You should divorce this abusive ass ASAP. You deserve better.

[Asker]

Thank you so much🙏🏻

[EmyyWolf]

A damaged thing?

LOL! 😆😆 this is why I don’t get into no relationship. WTF? GOOD ONE!

[Amara_09]

In fact, I am mad at you for continuing to put up with that BASTARD! Divorce him immediately, You deserve Better woman!

[slatyb]

End this now. He's abusive. You are still quite young. You are not damaged and have plenty of time to find a loving partner.

[KezHarris]

Omg! He sounds like an abusive piece of @&£/!! Get away from him as soon as possible!! I hope you are ok xxx

[leni_sss]

Absolutely run girl,, please for your own well-being divorce this asshole. And divorcing someone does not mean 'being damaged' it means respecting yourself! And to be honest he sounds like an ass

[Asker]

You’re so right and thank you so much i will do my best for me🙏🏻

[Shedzij567]

You should leave and I'm sure you will find a man who treats you the way you deserve

[jshm2]

Divorce is best if he is not giving you any support and you cannot work things out.

It will only get worse.