Should I reconsider marrying him?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend proposed to me yesterday. What was a beautiful day, quickly was ruined after my phone conversation with my fiancé on his way home from work. I told him my best friend told me not to post the announcement yet because she was sending me a gift that she wants me to post with it. He then stated now is not a good time to post anything, and began speaking about his ex wife, and how he didn’t want her to see. I don’t even have her on social media and my page is private, so I’m not sure why he felt the need to bring her up. He started to say he was scared she may try to take their kids away or have some devious intentions. They divorced 5 years ago because she got strung out on drugs and cheated on him. My fiancé is active duty military so their two sons live with his parents full time. They only see the mother on the weekends. I’ve met his children twice and they love me. They even told my fiancé they like me much better than their mothers boyfriend the first time they met me. I never met her, but I don’t like her from what my fiancé has told me about her. She constantly begs him for money, that has nothing to do with their children. It pisses me off and is the only thing my fiancé and I argue about. I’ve told him multiple times she’s taking advantage of him. He complains because if he doesn’t send her money, she threatens to take their children away. I don’t believe it, because if she wanted full custody of their children she would have been fought for it. He recently sent her $300 for her car payment but expressed she needed to pay it back. She claimed she would, but never did. It’s now been three weeks and he hasn’t heard from her. Even though he responds IMMEDIATELY when she reaches out to him. I know she’s a trifling woman but he constant defends her. He claimed she was such this good woman and mother. Well if so, why would he be concerned of her having devious intentions because we are getting married? Could there be something he is hiding from me?

[Askingforafriend3]

I suggest you stay engaged for a while if you chose to do so. You are still young and that is not to bash you. I got married when I was 20 to a soldier. I'm speaking from experience.

Get to know his children better, they will be living with you soon enough. If something happens he will chose them not you. Wait to get married until at least 2yrs after he retires and you two have lived together. As for the ex, I don't know I suggest you keep making him see how she is using him and weaponizing the children. Maybe have him have legal proceedings and speak with someone about how she tries to get money from him for personal things. She probably is using some of the money for drugs so that's bad that he might be feeding her drug habit. Document everything so you have proof of the situation!

I've dated older men myself in the past (not my husband). However, I've come to the realization that they were not good for me. God has healed me from the trauma I experienced from them. They just took advantage of me and I didn't see it back then, until I got out of the situation and looked back yearsss later! However, I'm not saying your fiance is doing that. Just stay mindful please, I wouldn't want you to regret your decisions later on and be too late.

You are 24, it's your prime time. Don't get married. Travel, enjoy life, have fun, go on adventures. Meet someone closer to your age, without all this baggage. Actually build a life with them! At 38 this guy already lived most his life. I wouldn't want you to be held back from yours because of him. You think at 41 he will have more children? Tough to say. He might just be telling you that to keep you along...

DM me if you want to talk further 🙂

God Bless! 🙏

[Asker]

Thank you for your thoughtful answer. God Bless You 🙏
P. S. I just sent you a dm ☺️

[Asker]

Actually, it will not let me dm you because I am new to this website. :(
Anywho, I am still trying to figure out how to give you MHO lol
I also just wanted to say, I pray you receive everything your heart desires. I am an empath, and I can feel you have a beautiful soul.
Sending much light and love 🙏🏽🤍

[Askingforafriend3]

Thank you!! 🙏 I'm an empath too 😊 I pray that God shows you the way through this situation and guides and protects you through it. In addition, of giving you the happy, healthy family that you crave to have. Stay strong girl, it will be worth it in the long run. Remember you are not alone. 💙

[Oliverlogan263]

Girl, this whole situation has me feeling wary for you. Some major red flags here:

- Why is his ex still having such an impact and hold over him after 5 years separated? Major control issues there.

- Constantly bailing her out financially when she clearly takes advantage is not okay. Shows he's still emotionally tangled up.

- His reaction to your post tells me he still cares too much what she thinks deep down. Big worry.

- The whole "devious intentions" thing is sketchy AF too. Makes me think she could still threaten him somehow.

I know you care about him, but marrying a man still so wrapped up in his ex is just asking for endless drama, sis. At minimum, I'd insist on:

- Cutting contact/$$flow to the ex completely before marrying

- Couples counseling so he can resolve his leftover issues

- Promise she stays out of your relationship forever

Really consider if he's ready to fully commit just to you. You deserve a man with no question he's over his past. Protect your peace, girl - do what feels right but also trust your gut on this. Much love!

[Asker]

Thank you. All the reason you listed have struck me as red flags as well. The only reason he still has contact with his ex is because they have children together. If they did not have children he would 100% not be in contact with her. They also rarely speak. He never reaches out to her. She always is the one reaching out first. He also always keeps the conversations short and simple. He claims he sends her money because in their divorce papers it states that he legally owes child support to her. She never made him pay it, but would just ask for money whenever she wanted. The courts think they have 50/50 custody and don’t know the full truth. He has tried to cut her off financially multiple time, but she starts threatening to take the kids and put him on child support as well as make him pay back pay. Which freaks him out because he is crazy about his kids, and gets frantic about money. Probably because when they were married, she used to wipe his account out clean and spend it all on drugs. I hate that I am unable to do your first suggestion, because believe me I have tried ! He has as well. They were married for 11 years and I do still feel he has feelings for her deep down. I also am very secure in the woman I am. His ex has NOTHING on me. Physically, emotionally, spiritually, or mentally. I am the hot young wife who is definitely out of my fiancé’s league. He has never been with a woman like me before. Not just my looks but who I am period.

[Asker]

However the ex wife is like this annoying bug. In three years when he retires we won’t have to deal with her as much. I understand we will because they have children. However, she can no longer have any sort of grip on him or ask for money because the kids will live with us full term. I just pray she doesn’t try to cause any drama alone the line. I told my fiancé I am not one. I don’t have patience for stuff like that, and I will snap out. If he thinks his ex is crazy, she will meet her match. However, I’d rather it not have to be that way.

[Oliverlogan263]

Yo this is for sure a messy situation with his ex still hovering around. Props to you for being so understanding about it since they've got kids together, that definitely complicates things.

A couple things though - is there any way he can get the custody/child support stuff legally sorted out more officially? Like through the courts so she can't dangle that over him? Even if it means he does have to pay something, might be worth it for the peace of mind.

And I'd keep a close eye on how he reacts the next time she comes asking for money. See how quickly he jumps and how he sets boundaries. That'll tell you a lot about whether he's really trying to distance himself or not.

As for three years when he retires, just be ready for her to kick up drama then too probably, since she won't have the money leverage anymore. But you're right, with you and the kids living with you it'll be a lot less she can do thankfully.

Either way sis, don't ever let some hood rat ex make you feel less than. You sound like a catch - hold your head high! Just keep communicating with your man and setting expectations. You got this!

[Asker]

That is exactly what I advised. To seek legal advice, so that if legal action needs to be taken he can be prepared. I am the kind of person who likes to stay 10 toes ahead. I spoke with him on this again this morning. I feel more secure due to his response. He said he is pissed she still never payed him back, and will not be getting a dime out of him moving forward. I questioned and asked if he would freak out like normally, if she threatens to take the kids and child support. For the first time he said no. He told me I made him realize she is full of shi*t. He said if it goes down to it, he will take her to court. I will however be watching as you said, to make sure he keeps his word. I’ve made it VERY clear that boundaries need to be set. Especially in regards to sending her money moving forward.

[Asker]

Lmaooo I am screaming at the “hood rat ex.” That is definitely what she is giving. They were married for 11 years and she had a strong grip on my fiancé. She did him so dirty. She destroyed there entire family by becoming a druggie and cheating on him. My fiancé is a very kind generous soul who can easily be taken advantage of. She continued to take advantages and manipulate him after their divorce. That woman destroyed such a beautiful man.

[Asker]

I came into his life and taught him how to get his balls back. When I discovered their situation, I immediately said Aaght Aaght LOL. I am the first woman to have him in a chokehold since her. Those feelings for her are long gone. He tells me all the time how we are much more compatible, and that he has never loved any woman as much as me. That no woman has ever made him feel the way I do. I know she hates it. When him and I first started dating, she kept texting him and he would ignore her unless about the children. She even responded at one point saying “Ewww she must really have a grip on you.”

I honestly can’t wait for her to find out we’re getting married. He proposed to me in less than 6 months, and my ring is triple the amount he spent on hers. Meanwhile she’s been dating some lowdown for years since there divorce. Yet no new ring for her. lol.
All I know is she better stay in her place moving forward. If she thinks she’s crazy, I’ll show her what a psychopath really is.

[Oliverlogan263]

Dang girl, sounds like you really got that situation with the ex under control! Props to you for handling it so well and getting your man to smarten up about her manipulation. It's good he's finally seeing how she's just using the kids to control him.

For real about time he stood up to her threats too. Like you said, getting a lawyer involved so she can't pull that stuff is smart. And it's perfect you got him so secure in you now that he don't even care what she says. Shows how much better off he is!

No wonder the hood rat ex is jealous seeing how good you guys got it. Pretty funny thinking about when she finds out about the engagement and sees that ring, haha she's gonna be big mad! After all the crap she put him through, he really upgraded.

As long as you and your dude keep being honest and having each others backs, y'all got nothing to worry about from her. Hopefully she gets the message soon that she ain't got her claws in him no more. But yeah, you seem like you can handle it if she tries coming at you crazy. Just make sure the law stays on your side too if she wants problems!

Anyway congrats on the engagement! Sounds like you guys are gonna be real happy together.

[Asker]

Thank You!!

I enjoyed speaking with you. ☺️ Sending much light and love to you. I hope your day fills you with pure bliss, and you receive all your heart desires. 🙏🏽🤍

[Oliverlogan263]

Thanks boo, I really enjoyed talking with you too! It's always dope to connect with another real one. And aw, that's real nice of you to send positive vibes my way, I appreciate the love. Same to you too - I hope your day is filled with joy, peace and all the blessings. You seem like you got a good heart and keeping it positive, so I know the universe is gonna keep serving you up good vibes. Keep shining sis, and let me know if you ever need anything or just wanna chat more. Much love! 🙏🏽💜

[OlderAndWiser]

She threatened to take the children away. And did he talk to his attorney about that because that is not her decision to make!

[Asker]

Yes, she is constantly threatening to take his children away if he doesn’t send her money. Money for her personally and not their children. Which she does not even have full custody of now. I’ve expressed to him multiple times that I think it would be best if he seeks legal advice. So that if legal action needs to be taken, he can be prepared. I’m unsure of why he refuses to do that, yet panics when she threatens to take the children. Which she obviously had no true intentions of doing so, and uses it as a scare tactic against my fiancé. My concern now is will she be an issue throughout our marriage later down the line? Or try to manipulate their children and turn them against me. As well as their future siblings when my future husband and I begin having children of our own.

[OlderAndWiser]

He is a soldier but he is afraid to stand up to a drug abusing girl! This doesn’t sound good.

[Asker]

He only fears losing his kids. He hates that the military keeps him away from his children full time. He is a very kind generous soul who can be easily taken advantage of. He says this is the only reason he is on eggshells with the ex-wife. He has stood up to her multiple times, but she begins to threaten to take his children and make him pay child support every time he does. He is trying to keep the peace, until he can return home and take full custody of his children. I just hate that there are lowdown dirty woman who take advantage of good fathers. I just want him to find some security that protects him from her even having the option to take his children. Again, I don’t believe she will. They’ve been divorced for almost 6 years and she has not fought for full custody. My boyfriend and his parents are the children main provider. I’m just tired of seeing him stress about this.

[OlderAndWiser]

Is he going to take better care of her than he will you?

[Asker]

I don’t believe that. My ring was more than triple the amount he spent on hers. He certainly provides for me, but I am also a very independent woman. I am a woman who worked three jobs while in school full time prior to meeting him. He has given me the luxury of being a stay at home girlfriend, to now a stay at home wife. Which has alleviated a lot of my stress. He told me I never have to work again if I don’t want. I am however using this time to study full time. Once he gets full custody of his children, he won’t send her any money at all. She is a lazy bum who just got her first job since they divorced. Mind you she is almost 40 years old. He typically only sends her between $40-$50 dollars when she asks to keep her quiet. The $300 was a lot which is why he made her agree to pay him back. However since she did not, he claims he will never give her money again. I do however believe when she needs money again, she will be reaching out to him.

[strateguy632]

that is not a concern. don't change your plan.

[Asker]

What makes you say that? I am concerned because I expressed to him in the beginning I typically don’t date men with children. Not because of the kids, but because I simply don’t have time to deal with baby mama drama. He assured me she was not that kind of woman. Now, we are engaged and shortly will make things official. He is now suddenly saying his ex wife is a devious bit*h. After assuring me she was not that kind of “woman.” I took his word for it and let it go. However now, the red flag has reappeared. What would you suggest I do in this situation?

[HelpfulWoman]

18-24 and with a dude with an ex WIFE? how old is he?

[Asker]

I am 24 and he is 38. I get that some people have an issue with age gap relationships, I however beg to differ. He is not the first older man I’ve dated. I typically only date older men. I am very mature for my age and have an old soul. I’ve had MUCH better dating experiences with older men in comparison to men closer to my age.

[HelpfulWoman]

eh, 38 isn't too bad. more of his baggage. you can have a older than dinosaur "soul" and it sill not work.

[jahaims]

You are going to parent children you have only met twice?

[Asker]

Yes, I get along with them very well. I love children and they are an extension of my fiancé so I love them as well. They won’t live with us full term until he retires from the military. Which is in three years. By then, I will be ready to have children of our own. Although a blended family is not what I ideally want as a woman with no kids. My fiancé is truly a great man, and it’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make for him.

[jahaims]

Have fun with the divorce

[Asker]

Just curious, why so negative? I also rebuke that in the name of Jesus lmao

[jahaims]

You and your fiance make poor life choices and are currently in a situation that statistically leads to divorce. Pointing out the most probable outcome isn't negative.

[Asker]

How exactly are we making “poor life choices.” I don’t live my life by statistics, so that statement is irrelevant. The odds are forever in my favor. ;)

[jahaims]

The odds are factually not in your favor. There is a higher divorce rate among people who have already been divorced. Military members also have a higher divorce rate than civilians. You are in denial to cope with the reality of the situation.

[Asker]

Lmaoo. Sir, you don’t know my full situation. I just gave you a glimpse. I don’t live a life in fear or pessimistically. Anywho, as a spiritual and woman of God. As I stated before, the odds are forever in my favor. ;) Don’t let that go over your head. Have a blessed day.

[jahaims]

Oh, you believe in a sky, Daddy. You making poor choices makes way more sense now.

[Asker]

Haha. You not believing says it all. I pray you find healing and discover the truth before it’s too late. I am no longer wasting my energy engaging in this useless conversation. Have a blessed day.

[HelpfulWoman]

jahaim giving straight up facts here at this point. but she's a bible basher so logic is not there for her in the first sense i guess!