Am I my wife's biggest regret?

[Anonymous]

Why would a married woman risk her marriage for an ex-boyfriend if she claims her husband is the love of her life and is doing everything right?

Updates

1 y

Would you end a friendship that where the conversation was always about how you should have been together (the one that got away)? Would you expect your spouse to end such a friendship? If they refused to end it and said it's a no -negotiable, what would that make you think and what would you do in response?

[hahahmm]

Dunno but I would bet money that she is getting banged by her ex. Regardless of whether you're her biggest regret or not she is cheating on you physically and/or emotionally.

When a woman is really into you she doesn't think it's worth doing something that will have you not trust her or that could motivate you to fight fire with fire & go get a hot girlfriend. They have zero interest in those scenarios. But if they aren't into you it's a different story.

A woman has a super hero magic power. It is to use words to get guys to do things & to believe things. "With great power comes great responsibility." Best to marry a woman who is more on the good side of using her powers than the evil side & to be good at ignoring/tuning out whatever doesn't line up with YOUR own beliefs.

Why did you trust your wife? The issue you are dealing with should have been dealt with long before marriage. See my mytake A Note On Giving Trust

Imagine you walked into a bar/business and someone just starts punching you in the face. Are you going to just take it or defend yourself? Or at least get out of the situation? Your wife's disrespect, disloyalty and basically mocking you to your face is like she's punching you in the face. I would not allow it and If I did it would only be long enough to gather evidence on what she's up to. That's it.

I've heard of what you describe happening... in one case a woman told her husband she was over her ex. The couple moved to a new state. Then one day the husband finds a text message from the ex to his wife & the wife admits that the ex moved to the new state and lives near them but she forgot to mention it to the husband. But it's all innocent, she says. Do the math, I always say.

[Asker]

Thank you for your response and I appreciate your note. It's such a good perspective. Looking back, I should have taken heed to her level of commitment to this friend and the words of those who came before me. While I'd like to think I gave her the loan based on factors outside of her looks, I can't ignore the fact that everything else made sense except this friendship and the attraction was her pre approval.

[Anonymous]

I don't care how long you know a woman whether it's 5 minutes or 50 years. She's always prepared to cheat on you at the drop of a hat if the right conditions present themselves.

Sorry man. You're using logic. Women do not do that with relationships.

[avery58]

If she was having that type of conversation with her ex boyfriend she already is emotionally cheating on you, sorry. She's a two-timer and lying to either you or him about her true feelings. But either way she is cheating and refusing to stop cheating.

[Asker]

The concept of emotional cheating was somewhat new to me but based on what I read, it fits perfectly. The idea that she needs him in her life is mind-blowing especially since they don't have normal conversations. It's just been reminiscing and expressing what they mean to each other. It's like she's toeing the line in her own way

[Anonymous]

Do they have kids together and what you know about this ex boyfriend of hers such as why they ended?

[Asker]

They dated in secondary school. They were never single at the same time and their relationship ended because she cheated. He's been a pain point for all of her ex's and her ex husband (he warned me, I stupidly thought it was an attempt to scare me). They talk about how they could have been and she was devastated when she found out he had a child (I only found out because she was so upset I thought someone died). They went 2 or 3 years without talking and I thought they were finally done with this nonsense. He has acknowledged he has feelings for her and most recently (they didn't talk for 18 months before this) he said my family could have been his and the only thing keeping them from seeing each other was distance and he plans on moving to our state.

[Opinion Owner]

Omg what she doing is confusing. I seen your comment below about coparenting. So y'all both have a child together or kids together. She was already married before you. The guy was still a problem even in that marriage. How old is her and the guy? This is immature on her end because she stringing you along. How many kids are there? At this point she should just leave you alone

[Asker]

We have a blended family that are with us 100%, 6 kids. He used to come around our oldest before I married and adopted her. Both of them are in their early 30's.

[Opinion Owner]

So she had kids before you? So she have a babydaddy also, ex husband, ex boyfriend, and many exes? Am I understanding this correctly? This sounds like a love triangle. The father must gave up his rights to be a father.

[Asker]

She came with 3 and I came with 2. Her boys didn't have a father present and the daughter's father didn't want to be a dad. When we got married I adopted all 3.

It's definitely a love triangle because they treat each other like the one who got away and reminisce about what it was like when they dated and after when it was in that awkward platonic state but it's mostly passive expressions of affection and they both call me insecure. Her favorite response is that only she and I can ruin our marriage lol

[Opinion Owner]

I’m glad you explained because whew I was confused! You have to stand up in this marriage. Tell her it’s either him or you. They probably been sneaking around without you knowing. Ain’t no telling!

[Opinion Owner]

If they was so great they would be together right now and it would be him instead of you. He just gonna leave her if you decide to divorce. She’s gonna get her karma

[Asker]

I agree 100%. Til this day he hasn't confirmed his relationship status and he has the kid. I wholeheartedly agree that he would end up leaving her in the long run.

[Opinion Owner]

How did she not know he had a kid? how old is the kid? she got a lot going on here. He should have moved on a long time ago.

[Asker]

She found out when the kid was about 4 months old it was during one of their hiatuses. The kid should be about 3 or so now

[Opinion Owner]

Oh wow yeah you should stand up in this marriage. I’m not sure how long you both been married but she either be in this marriage or out of this marriage. If he wanted to be with her he would have forgiving her for cheating and still tried to work it out. She just want her cake and eat it too

[Asker]

I just don't understand how she could do this and not see that it's wrong if she wants to stay married... I feel like a placeholder for him

[Opinion Owner]

Well how long they were together? How do both of your families feel about this?

[Asker]

They were together for a year maybe. Our families don't know. I've spoken to my brother in confidence and he said fight for her and keep communicating

[Opinion Owner]

Ask yourself this…are they in contact where they are able to meet face to face?

[Asker]

No. At least not yet. He's made several promises of coming to visit her and avoided making concrete plans. This time around he said he's moving to our state but so far hasn't committed to a date or even month. I don't know his angle with that because it's been years and he always says I'll come see you but doesn't. This time feels more real than the last given his statement of distance being the only thing keeping them from connecting and growing closer. I know if they meet it'll go in a direction of no return.

[Opinion Owner]

Well that depends on how long you both been talking?

[Opinion Owner]

I personally wouldn’t trust a cheater

[Asker]

We've gone back and forth on this guy for years but it's been in spurts. This time around we are coming up on day 5.

[Lynx122]

https://www.youtube.com/embed/CN_BDrVjWvU

Here you go pretty much explains everything.

[Asker]

This was spot on! Thank you for sharing this

[Lynx122]

You're welcome :)

[Alwayreckles93]

OK I suggest you tell your wife ok you have two choices. You etheir go find a marriage counselor or get a divorce attorney. This behavior of your wife is unacceptable.

[Asker]

We both have agreed to go to counseling. I'm hoping for a positive outcome although I don't think she sees the issue with this friendship and the complexities of their past but we'll see how it goes.

[KrakenAttackin]

Asker... make sure to get a MALE counselor. Female counselors will almost always take the woman's side. At least a male counselor will actually listen.

[Asker]

This is something I've considered. I don't want to walk into a 2v1 situation.

[Alwayreckles93]

Asker Let me guess your wife must be catholic.

[Asker]

Oh no, neither of us are Catholic

[Alwayreckles93]

REALLY? WOW because catholic woman cheat on their husbands.

[Asker]

I've heard this before. I wonder why that is.

[Alwayreckles93]

Catholism is full of demonic people even witch's had conform they used Saint to do witch carft. That's why my first thought was that your wife could possibly be catholic. Catholic has some very sinister secrets vatican had try to hide from society. Just evil.

[ProbablyClueless]

Something I've realized in life: people do lots of stupid shit without realizing what they're doing for absolutely no reason at all.

The human capacity for denial is stunning.

[Asker]

Very. I tend to process everything 2 or 3 steps ahead and consider the impact to those around me. This feels like she doesn't do it at all or just doesn't care.

[ProbablyClueless]

I'm the same way. I have to think ahead.

I don't know your wife, of course, but my guess is that it's probably a mix of the two. There's probably some amount of her that has made up her mind about what she's going to do, and everyone else is just going to have to deal with it. The impact of her actions probably never crossed her mind until it was pointed out to her.

By the time it's pointed out to her, she feels committed to the situation and needs to dig her heels in to prove she isn't the bad guy.

[Asker]

This sounds about right. Looking at past messages between us I get that sense. I did notice in April she was remorseful for some of her behaviors and pointed out in a broad sense that women put their happiness first and men put their families first.

[TommyMountainFigure]

She wouldn't.. She's clearly lying to one, or both of you!

[Asker]

Yeah I definitely feel like she's married to me but thinking about him and having this emotional affair to satisfy her true desires. She communicates with him in secret and you can see some sort of passive courtship they neither will outright address

[TommyMountainFigure]

The question is, what do you want to do about it?

[Asker]

We've gone back and forth over this friendship. Every year it has been me asking her to cut him off and she finally gives in just to go back and do it all over again. At this point, I'm definitely not asking her anymore. She's proven regardless of what justification she comes up with (arguments, uncertainty with us, etc) that she needs him in her life and they refuse to even set boundaries. I'm past the point of compromising and right now I'm just letting her have her cake while I think about how I want to proceed. There are major red flags that take this beyond insecurities and I called it from the jump. If she's not willing to out our marriage and my feelings first (at least over this friendship) this will likely be the point where we are just co-parents and roommates until she decides to move out and live with this guy

[TommyMountainFigure]

That's no life though for you though, waiting for her to make the decision to leave. Maybe you should be proactive about what happens next, and let it be you who makes the first move. You certainly have the grounds for it, and will feel better in the long run knowing you never let her push you around! I mean, I know it will hurt, but she will finally have some respect for you.

[Asker]

You're absolutely right. I have accepted that this inappropriate relationship isn't going to end and she has to decide what she wants, me or him. I did tell her that based on how they are, he has the commitment of a marriage from her because she's willing to risk our marriage for this friendship

[KrakenAttackin]

This is the same reason women call their ex four days before she gets married to see if her ex is suddenly available.

Remember bro, you are not her first choice.

[Asker]

Oh for sure. I completely agree. I don't think she realizes her actions reflect that in a major way. I never expected to be her first choice and that was fine with me but the idea of entertaining this first choice and keeping him in her back pocket is troubling to say the least

[sheikalana]

She’s not taking marriage seriously enough.

[Asker]

Agreed. Have her cake and eat it too

[OddBeMe]

Wait, she’s about to run off or she has already with you?

[Asker]

She hasn't run off... At least not yet (and never I hope)..

[OddBeMe]

So she’s with you and there’s this other dude slapping his thing?

[Theodoricus]

No, your wife is your biggest regret. Because she is lying. I hope you save from her.

[Anonymous]

She is lying.

[RedInnocent69]

I hope not. But probably.

[Anonymous]

If you have to ask you know the answer

[Asker]

I know.

[Opinion Owner]

Dude, there is a lot more to a marriage than just love and it is natural to wonder "what if", but she married you... but use this to motivate you to improve yourself and be the husband she deserves. Take the leap for the promotion or better job. Make a point to do a little stretch and workout in the morning, even if just 5 push-ups, it'll help your physique and overall health, and your mental state. Randomly do nice things for her, send her flowers at work (they get to play "neener-neener") ... marriage is a commitment to be there even those days you don't love each other

[Loner111]

Sorry to hear that.