Am I a bad wife?

[Anonymous]

My Husband and I have been trying to work through some hard times in our relationship. We are not doing well financially which I think is a largely overbearing root of our issues, but we have been arguing so much lately. I don’t think it’s any one persons fault but I’m pretty sure he thinks it’s all mine. I guess blaming me for things is easy because I have a bipolar diagnosis. I never used to think of him as a sensitive person but I’m not so sure anymore that that’s not the case

For example:
Yesterday he called me on the way home from work and asked me if we could spend some time together. I was excited and shortly after we were invited out by some friends. I asked him if we could go and he said yes so I let them know we would be coming. I let him take a nap while I went to run an errand and take care of our dog. By the time I got back it was time to get ready and he was angry at me for waking him and said he didn’t want to go. I didn’t want to flake on our friends and I went by myself even though it was embarrassing for me to show up without him with a lame excuse. After I got there he had a change of heart and said he would come and we could do something after as well. But by the time he got there everyone was ready to call it a night even though the original plan was to be there much longer. After we walked out of the place he was furious at me and was yelling at me and cussing me out and blaming me for the circumstances and said he didn’t want to be around me. I tried to remain calm and have a conversation and salvage the night but he wasn’t having it. I left to go home by myself since we drove separately and he never came home last night. He didn’t speak to me all day and I worked. It’s now the night time and I asked if he was going to come to bed. He said no and that we won’t talk to me. I just don’t understand what I could have possibly done for him to be this mad at me and refuse to work things out with me.
Maybe if I was better he wouldn’t act like this

[XHopelessRomanticX]

I don’t think you’re a bad wife, and I don’t think he’s a bad husband. This sounds like a communication mishap. I think this is where the issue started: “Yesterday he called me on the way home from work and asked me if we could spend some time together.” He asked you for quality time with you. You then were invited out by friends, and even though he agreed to go too, he was probably dismayed that he wasn’t going to have alone time with you, his wife.

Is your husband an introvert? It’s possible that he expended a lot of energy at work being around other people and was now having to deal with having to expend more energy being around even more people. That could be where the frustration from being woken up was coming from. Then there’s the energy of getting ready, driving to the event, only to find out upon arrival that everyone else was ready to go home. Meaning his time and energy was wasted for nothing! And all he really wanted, from the beginning, was a quiet night home with you. You, and nobody else.

[lmkimcurious]

You guys should read “For Men Only” and “For Women Only” by Shaunti Feldhahn. It covers topics women and men don’t usually know how or even that they should communicate. Look up the reviews on Amazon and read what people say about how it’s helped their marriages. They’re both short books based on national surveys.

[MrOracle]

It sounds like he might be bipolar too, actually. In any case, if he called you and asked to spend time with you, then in my opinion you should NOT have made plans with anyone else. The point of him asking to spend time with you was to spend time with YOU - NOT you and your other friends. And that turned the whole night into a shit-show - though he certainly made it worse with his tantrums. Still, I'd have been upset in that situation myself.

It sounds to me like the two of you are having lots of trouble communicating, and I suspect there is plenty of blame on both sides. But instead of focusing on the blame, I would recommend you get some therapy and focus on the solution instead. A neutral third party can help you learn to communicate better, and once you have a communication breakthrough, a lot of things will come much more easily to you.

[Asker]

I agree and I have gotten some resources for counseling. I told him that I have found some options for counseling but I don’t know at this point if he will be willing to work through this with me

[AviatorTom]

You're not a bad wife, but after agreeing to some quality time alone together, you let others change that. That made him frustrated, which was further exacerbated when he showed up just in time to leave.

Cook him a nice dinner and spent the evening together, just the two of you.

[TommyMountainFigure]

It sounds to me like he is just someone who gets grumpy when he is sleep deprived. Otherwise from what you said, his heart is in the right place.

Maybe what you could have done in hindsight, is leave him a note, saying you didn't want to wake him.. You've gone to your friends, and when he wakes up he can join you..

[TommyMountainFigure]

And to answer your question.. No you aren't.

[Asker]

Ok but how do you go from being grumpy cause your tired to not coming home and not talking to you for a day and a half or coming to bed for 2 nights?

[TommyMountainFigure]

I can't account for that, other than the fact he is probably just still mad at you for waking him up. Does he usually take this long to calm down? Also, have you any idea where he went when he didn't come home? Any explanation other than he didn't want to talk?

[MsProsperity]

No you are not, he is a bad husband. Sounds like he has another woman in his life, he pretends like he’s angry so that he goes to see her and doesn’t feel guilty

[Peridot25]

Are you 100% sure that’s what it is?

[MsProsperity]

No I’m 90% sure

[Peridot25]

Ok, show the proof.

[MsProsperity]

The proof it’s his actions duh

[jahaims]

Sounds like he was upset he didn't get the one on one time with you but he is too immature to communicate

[slatyb]

This is 100% him. Do you have children?