Should I just marry for stability?

[Anonymous]

I'm 29 years old. There is a 56 yr old who is interested in marriage and having children. He already has a disabled daughter from a prior failed marriage. I have no interested in caring for her. Right now, the only reason why I am even considering marrying such an old man is because I just cannot find young marriage age men in their 20-30s that I am interested in. I literally have no idea where to find them. Bars don't work. Events don't work. I have been to sports clubs and most of these guys are short and unattractive.

And most young guys are picky and commitment phobic as hell. It takes YEARS for them to propose. Then it takes YEARS for them to set a date for the wedding. This older man is a bit desperate, lacks options and not picky at all. The fact that I am 30 years younger than him, would automatically make me prize for him. I've met a lot of young guys throughout my time, and I just cannot fall in love with any of them. On the super rare occasion that I do get feelings, they either don't like me back or are unavailable or like someone else. Sometimes I would crush on them but they won't make good husband material. I'm just exhausted from the search and rotating guys in and out of my life. I just want to settle down with someone who is ready for marriage and makes enough money to pay the bills so I wouldn't have to work a job. If I were to marry a broke man, I would have to work a job then run home to continue cooking, cleaning, child care.

Dont you think this is a good idea?

[Anonymous]

You are still a woman who thinks logically. However, if you can't find a man of the age you want, you shouldn't overlook this helpless old man. You are a blessing in the eyes of this helpless old man right now. If he is a smart man, he will never want to miss out on a young, mature, and intelligent woman like you. However, it seems that you don't like this helpless old man. Nonetheless, I am sure that this old man will not let you down like those young men. If you are tired of working and want a stable and happy life, don't delay marrying this man, even for a minute.

[Anonymous]

If we opened the dictionary to impatient your face would be plastered there with a big cheesy smile. These aren’t the old maiden days you don’t need to rely on a man for stability, that’s just you being lazy and again, impatient. Chill out.

[Asker]

its not called lazy to not want to work 9 hour days then to run home , exhausted only to work another 6 hours. why would anyone want to work so many hours?

[Opinion Owner]

So your life revolves around work? That’s what a work/life balance is for, when you have a good life then you aren’t fixating like this on every hour you have to work. I don’t even know what job you’d work those wild hours anyway. What are you milestones in life so far? What else do you want besides finding a man ASAP because you are sick of your life? Sounds like you need to find some more fulfillment and purpose within a job and your life.

[Opinion Owner]

Anchor your life and find some stabs and purpose. There’s is NO good reason aside from your own impatience that you’re cycling through men to the point of exhaustion. Like stop already and realize maybe it isn’t your time for love. Maybe it is time to get your life in order and find ways to make your life fulfilled without a man.

[Opinion Owner]

**stability and purpose

[ProbablyClueless]

A lot of people marry for stability. In fact, stability and kids are the 2 biggest reasons to get married.

Unfortunately, there are other considerations in your case that make it sound like this guy isn't a good match for you. Just based on what you wrote here, I think you would absolutely hate your life after a few years married to him.

That said, if you're genuinely open to accommodating those incompatibilities, you could have a happy marriage with him.

[Asker]

Im pretty sure i won't hate my life. I don't want to have sex with him. He is older so he has a much lower sex drive. Plus, I won't have to work a job after I marry him. He wants kids so I will just pop out a baby. I would love to just stay home sleep, feed the baby, then go back to sleep.

whats not to love about that type of life?

I have worked hard my entire life working my ass off for my education and school. YET, I am still very mediocre. Make good money but I can't imagine working 10 hours a day, only to come home to continue doing cooking and cleaning

[ProbablyClueless]

Sometimes the repetition gets stale and that makes some women resentful. They feel like they aren't out living their lives. You won't have your own money. You'll spend your whole day alone with your kids. You'll have to take care of his daughter.

Lack of attraction tends to mean a lack of respect. So you'll be homebound to someone that you don't respect, which will definitely breed resentment.

Also, you say you don't want to have sex with him, but you'll need to have sex with him a number of times to make the baby. Aaaaaand sometime women aren't very happy with their post pregnancy bodies. Which, again... you'd have a post pregnancy body as a result of someone you aren't really attracted to.

[Asker]

I am wayy smarter than you, hun.
I do plan on still working occasionally while I stay home. I can pick very lucrative gigs in my line of work. Make -1000 a day after paying all the taxes. Maybe 3-4 days a month. And I won't be responsible for paying any bills or food. So even if he doesn't give me any money to spend, I can still have plenty of money to splurge on spa days, makeup, heels, clothes.

My mom lives in the same city so I can have her come over to care for the baby whenever I don't feel like caring for the baby. Not having to work a job and not having to care for the baby leaves a lot of FREE TIME for me to pursue my own hobbies, and relax or even pursue hot men.

Regular women who marry for love, are locked at home with their kids all day without help. This is not my case. Regular working women who marry for love are working 9 hours a day then running home to work another 7 hours before they get to bed. Its sad.

[Lack of attraction tends to mean a lack of respect. So you'll be homebound to someone that you don't respect, which will definitely breed resentment.]

lack of attraction does not equal lack of respect. You only lack respect for your spouse when he doesn't reach your expectations. I have pretty low expectations of him. I didn't go into the marriage, prioritizing attraction. I walked into this marrying prioritizing money and stability. As long as he is financially paying for everything, I will be fine.

[Asker]

[Also, you say you don't want to have sex with him, but you'll need to have sex with him a number of times to make the baby]

I will have sex with him only to make a baby then not have sex with him after the baby is born. The most I'd do is once every month. he's an old man, he likely has erectile dysfunction any ways

[Which, again... you'd have a post pregnancy body as a result of someone you aren't really attracted to.]

I want children. Having a post pregnancy body is better than never having any kids. kids bring so much joy to life. its sad when I see how there are 50-60 yr old men who are still hoping to have kids one day. Some people wait their entire lives to have kids, yet nothing shows.

[MongozDish]

It’s amazing how we think we’ve got life all figured out — then, all of a sudden, things take an unexpected turn. In the end, these are all just speculations. Reality can be quite different.

[Asker]

@MongozDish

Very low chance of that happening.

[MongozDish]

That could be the case. But remember, a desperate person will often try to convince themselves that everything will turn out fine, that nothing could go wrong—only to later regret the decisions they made out of desperation.

[Asker]

@MongozDish

Think about this carefully...

likely he would regret it... not me.

if you don't understand why I am saying this, I need you to think about the situation carefully.

only someone with brains can understand this.

[MongozDish]

And at what cost? As you said, you're both doing this out of desperation. Just remember—if things don't work out, there are many women like you who can easily replace you, while there are far fewer men who can replace him.

[Asker]

@MongozDish

I'm 29. He is 56. In 5 years, who do you think has more options? a senior citizen or a still fairly young attractive woman with a great career?

[MongozDish]

Well, considering why you asked the question in the first place, I think the answer is pretty obvious.

[Asker]

@MongozDish

because I am smart, and you're clearly not

[MongozDish]

I wonder how someone as smart as you could be so desperate. It just doesn't add up, don't you think?

[Asker]

@MongozDish

if you were smart, you would know that Having high standards, living in a commitment phobic society, lack of marriage material men makes it hard to find a qualified wedable man.

Many people marry men who are not marriage material, this is why divorces are so common.

[Asker]

@MongozDish

it takes a smart person to know that most men nowadays aren't marriage material. Dumb people would just say "go find a man, any man who seems decent will do"

[MongozDish]

Your standards may be valid for you, but the problem is that you're likely to live in desperation, probably for the rest of your life. From my perspective, there are many happy women in marriages, whether with partners who fall below your "standards" or those who meet them. But it’s unlikely that you’ll be one of them. Instead, you have a much higher chance of living a miserable life, driven not by love and compassion, but by desperation. It’s not an insult, just reality.

[MongozDish]

I'm sure there are many men who meet your standards out there. The question is, why would they choose you over other women?

[Asker]

@MongozDish

what desperation? I don't have to work a job, I don't even have to take care of my kid. My husband makes enough money to hire a nanny. My mother can baby sit. I can do anything I want with my spare time. I'm not like your average married mother who has to work a full time job for 9 hours then run home to continue cooking and cleaning.

[The question is, why would they choose you over other women?]

there are many things great about me. but I really don't have to list them all on here to an angry man who is likely angry because he is broke

[MongozDish]

Like you said, "On the super rare occasion that I do get feelings, they either don't like me back or are unavailable or like someone else."

[Asker]

@MongozDish

Marrying for feelings means working 9 hours a day then coming home to work another 7 hours. I'm not interested. Quit trying to persuade me

[MongozDish]

Like I said, I'm sure you believe everything will work out just fine for you—until it doesn’t. Your replies make your desperation really obvious. Calling me "an angry man who is likely angry because he’s broke" seems really smart and mature, and I'm sure there are plenty of men just waiting in line to marry you.

Oh well, at least I'm not the one desperate for a husband to provide me with stability, despite being "fairly young, attractive, and having a great career."

[MongozDish]

Yeah, right, right.

[Asker]

@MongozDish

[Oh well, at least I'm not the one desperate for a husband to provide me with stability, despite being "fairly young, attractive, and having a great career."]

oh well at least Im not the one working 40-50 hours a week like you, only to be broke.

maybe thats why you're so pissed and passive aggressive on here.

Let me marry for stability, I have loads more free time than you and loads more money than you.

I will have everything I need, you're DESPERATE FOR A DAY OFF

[MongozDish]

Sorry, but I'll have to pass on that offer.

[Asker]

@MongozDish

you are broke, desperate and jealous. thats why you picked a fight on here.

I can sense a broke frustrated bitter angry man from miles away.

[MongozDish]

Are you done venting?

[Asker]

@MongozDish

not venting. just putting you back in your place

[MongozDish]

Well, happy to have helped you vent.

[Asker]

@MongozDish

im glad to have put you back in your place

[ProbablyClueless]

@Asker well, it sounds like you have your decision pretty well figured out! Best of luck =)

[Anonymous]

I don't think you should even be we considering this until you've matured a bit.

[Summeroflove]

If you’re honest if you string him along like you genuinely love him you’re probably a narcissist. That’s what dark personalities do is pretend like they’re looking for one thing but really another. If you’re both honest with one another about what you’re wanting then that’s your decision to make.

[Asker]

Nothing dark at all. When i marry, i genuinely will never leave him for someone else

[Summeroflove]

Then that’s good but you should marry for love and if you’re not be honest

[Asker]

@summeroflove

you're an idiot if you think love will sustain anything...

everyone marry for love in the western world, so how do you explain the 50% of marriages ending in divorce?

Arranged marriages actually have a much lower divorce rate than love marriages.

[Summeroflove]

Asker see you don’t like the truth this is why you’re insulting me. Yes there is more to marriage then just love but if you don’t love someone and you make someone think you do that’s wrong. There is compatibility as well

[Asker]

The success of a marriage really boils down to compatibility and determination to stay married.

Love will not sustain anything.

[Summeroflove]

A lot of people don’t marry for the right reasons. That’s why they divorce….

[Summeroflove]

It’s a mix of all three you’re correct. But people marrying for money and things like that or because someone looks good. Those marriage fail almost every time

[Asker]

[Yes there is more to marriage then just love but if you don’t love someone and you make someone think you do that’s wrong. There is compatibility as well]

there is nothing wrong with it as long as you can actually sustain a forever lasting marriage.
Plenty of couples marry each other for LOVE then 10 years later they divorce.
Love really means nothing.

[Summeroflove]

Love means everything but some people fall out of love and marry someone they aren’t compatible with. Some people can love and respect one another forever but a lot of times once someone falls out of love. Cheating starts as well as the discard phase.

If you are going to be with someone you better love them to some extent.

[Summeroflove]

Most loveless marriages end in divorce. Either once people fall out or love or if they ever loved one another at all

[Asker]

@summeroflove

Marrying for love really does not mean the marriage will be loving. All US marriages marry for love, but half of them divorce. what does that tell you?

Marrying without being "in love" in no way means that your spouse will divorce you later on. Some people have lower expectations of marriage.

It all has to do with mindset.

[Asker]

[It’s a mix of all three you’re correct. But people marrying for money and things like that or because someone looks good. Those marriage fail almost every time]

wouldn't you think lack of physical attraction, lack of a steady job will also cause problems in a marriage?

[Summeroflove]

Not everyone married for love. Sometimes one partner loved the other but the other partner pretended to. For financial reasons, for social status, for other materialistic, and superficial reasons.

Most marriages are extremely superficial and materialistic. That’s why they never last

[Summeroflove]

Well I mean you still have to love and care for your spouse. Many marriages are based on how good someone looks, how much money someone makes, etc. Not because there is a genuine connection.

[Asker]

@summeroflove

actually studies have proven that love marriages are much more likely to divorce than arranged marriages.

[Summeroflove]

So asker if you’re not in love with someone you probably don’t feel physical attraction.

[Asker]

[Well I mean you still have to love and care for your spouse. Many marriages are based on how good someone looks, how much money someone makes, etc. Not because there is a genuine connection.]

so how do you explain the western world's 50% divorce rate when people in your culture all tend to marry for love?

[Summeroflove]

Also people can loose their jobs. If someone who is capable of working refuses to work that’s one issue. But both spouses if they’re hard working and making money.

Most marriages for stability fail 9/10. I’ve just never seen it last very long. Because if someone’s not in love people grow old and aren’t as beautiful/handsome anymore. They start seeking emotional and sexual feelings ourside the marriage.

As well as if they find someone who looks better or makes more money. Without a genuine connection they will discard their spouse 9/10

[Asker]

[So asker if you’re not in love with someone you probably don’t feel physical attraction.]

you can fall in love without physical attraction. you just probably wouldn't want to touch them

[Summeroflove]

Asker you want to argue. You asked a question and didn’t get the answers you wanted to hear so you want to try to trap me into telling you what you want to hear. Ifs not going to happen point blank.

[Asker]

[Well I mean you still have to love and care for your spouse. Many marriages are based on how good someone looks, how much money someone makes, etc. Not because there is a genuine connection.]

so how do you explain the western world's 50% divorce rate when people in your culture all tend to marry for love?

[Summeroflove]

You shouldn’t ask questions you don’t want honest answers to. There isn’t a genuine connection chances are the marriage will fail. If you choose to get married and roll the dice maybe it will work. Maybe it won’t.

But I’m telling you materialistic and superficial marriages rarely work. Most people marry because they knocked someone up/got knocked up. They marry because of how someone looks. Financial reasons. Social status. Because they’re desperate to have kids.

[Asker]

IM ASKING YOU:

if you are so adamant on insisting that love is key to a forever marriage, then why can't people in your culture , stay married?

[Summeroflove]

Sometimes one spouse feels in love with the other. But the other ones a narcissist playing on emotions.

Most marriages are materialistic

[Asker]

nobody in the western world, does arranged marriages.
everyone marries for love in your culture.
so why does your culture have such a high fail rate for marriages?

[Summeroflove]

You obviously don’t want honest answers. You want people to tell you the answers you want to hear. You’ve asked me the same question 500 different ways wanting 500 different answers.

[Summeroflove]

A genuine connection is the key. That’s not to say issues can’t happen later on obviously a marriage takes work on both parts. Both people have to be willing to stay married. As well as feel attracted to one another and care for one another.

But people who marry for financial reasons usually it won’t work. You may stay married for a decade or more. But one person will probably be miserable

[Asker]

[Sometimes one spouse feels in love with the other. But the other ones a narcissist playing on emotions.]

there can't be that many narcissists in your society. According to research, Less than 5% of society is narcissistic.

[Most marriages are materialistic]

money problems are ranked as the number 1 cause of divorce. Don't tell me that money doesn't matter. it clearly does

[Summeroflove]

This happens. A man married a woman because she’s beautiful. She gains weight or just grows old he discards her and married someone younger while cheating on her throughout the relationship because he gets bored with just her.

Okay, woman married a man for money. He looses his job or she just eventually find someone who makes more. Again hee discarded and likely cheated in throughout the marriage. Because she will seek that connection she never made with him.

That’s how most of these end. It’s a matter of who screws the other over first

[Asker]

[But people who marry for financial reasons usually it won’t work. You may stay married for a decade or more. But one person will probably be miserable]

how can you say this... when love is the reason why 50% of marriages in your culture end in divorce?

i don't know how you can still insist love is key to a forever marriage. Clearly it doesn't work in your culture.

[Summeroflove]

So if you’re right and everyone else is wrong. Why ask the question? Why not just go do whatver you’re going to anyways.

If you need people to validate and affirm how you feel. Then maybe you’re not so sure about it

[Summeroflove]

Not everyone’s a narcissist but many times good men or women attract them who do love someone. But someone else isn’t honest about what they want.

As well as things they are taught by family about marriage. Things that in todays time are one sided and not practical.

[Asker]

@summeroflove

YOU'RE NOT ANSWERING MY QUESTION.

Everyone marries for "love", in your culture.
so why does your culture have such a high divorce rate?

this really question the validity of anything you are saying

do you understand that?

[Asker]

There is NO LOGIC to what you are saying...

if love is the KEY to a successful marriage, so why is marriage so UNDOABLE in your culture?

[Summeroflove]

I’m saying yes some people marry too fast to someone they aren’t compatible with. But most people buy a entire years salary for a wedding ring. Not to mention a promise ring and a engagement ring promising to build a life for someone.

Most marriages are materialistic and superficial. On both the male and females part. Not all…. But a lot.

[Summeroflove]

Maybe read what I’m saying. If you’re honest with the man you’re marrying about whst you want and he’s honest with you. Then do it. I said in what i posted so long as you’re both honest. Then there isn’t anything wrong with it.

Just don’t trick him or hide your true intentions.

[Summeroflove]

But I’ll tell you what. Do what you’re gonna do and message me in 10 years and tell me how the marriage is going

[Asker]

@summeroflove

no... people in your culture, tend to date for 6 years, stay engaged for 3 years, then 10 years later, they want to divorce. It has nothing to do with marrying too fast or marrying someone they aren't compatible with.

In other cultures such as middle eastern cultures or jewish cultures, people tend to marry in their early 20s and tend to end up staying married for the rest of their lives till death. They never dated 10 people in their 20s before they found the right person at 32.

why are these people able to stay married while people in your culture cannot?

[Asker]

[Most marriages are materialistic and superficial. On both the male and females part. Not all…. But a lot.]

this is only what poor unattractive men say...

Lets face it... if you could pick between a hot young 22 yr old versus a 36 yr old, you would pick the 22 yr old.

[Summeroflove]

Really? A lot of people marry in less then a year or the other extreme of future faking. Also in some countries people are forced to stay married by either law or social shunning.

So people will stay together even if they’re unhappy. In the states divorce is easy

[Summeroflove]

Being compatible is important. You marry someone who has major political or religious differences among other things. Even if they look good or have money it’s going to cause issues.

Also. People who marry someone just to be a roommate. That hardly ever works

[Summeroflove]

How long do you want to go back and forth? You don’t want honest answers. It’s men who have money and are attractive who need to be the MOST careful. Just many get sucked into a woman whose pretending to be someone she’s not.

The same thing happens to women who are beautiful and have a lot to offer as well. A man pretends to be someone he’s not

[Summeroflove]

You’re wrong about that. You have no idea what I want.

[Asker]

In other cultures such as jewish, middle eastern cultures:

People tend to marry very young in their early 20s. Never dated prior to getting married. Then they literally stay married together for the rest of their lives.

In American culture:

you date 15 people before you found "the one" in your 30s, you both date for 6 years, then stay engaged for 3 years, then had your wedding. Then pop out 2-3 kids. 10 years later, you realize the marriage was undoable then divorce.
You gotta realize that tis is the way most americans operate when it comes to marriage

so why is it that people in other cultures are much less picky when it comes to marriage but still have a higher success rate than you?

[Summeroflove]

So you want to argue and insult. You don’t want honest answers you keep trying to bait me into telling you what you wanna hear.

Have a good night it’s not happening. If you’re gonna do what you’re gonna do. So it and tell me 10 years form now how it goes maybe you’ll prove me wrong

[Asker]

I am not insulting you at all.

I am just trying to have a discussion with you, which you apparently don't want to have because you know you just cannot argue with me at all.

Trust me , if you could argue with me, you would have

[Asker]

[So it and tell me 10 years form now how it goes maybe you’ll prove me wrong]

I will never divorce after I marry... I actually take my marriage vows seriously... unlike most of you americans.

[Summeroflove]

What if he divorces you

[Summeroflove]

Well a lot of people cheat. Even if you don’t break your vows someone else might. Again just let me know in 10 years.

Many people promise they will never cheat or dump someone. But they do it.

[Summeroflove]

Like what if he looses all his money and never works again

[Asker]

[What if he divorces you]

he wouldn't. I only marry non americans. Americans divorce too much. Its ingrained into part of your culture.

[Summeroflove]

Non Americans divorce.

[Summeroflove]

Again. If you marry for money sone people loose their money and never work again

[Asker]

what you need to realize is...

americans will divorce you regardless if you married them for love or not.

when you take a look at your ultra high divorce rate sitting at 50%, this is clear proof of that

[Summeroflove]

What you need to realize is you’re here to argue. You’re arguing with everyone. If you’re so right then do what you’re gonna do

[Asker]

[Non Americans divorce.]

non americans divorce signifincalty less than americans. Foreigners tend to be more family oriented and marry to have a family instead of marrying for excitement or hot sex.

[Again. If you marry for money sone people loose their money and never work again]

I wouldn't have a problem with that if he is willing to do housework and be a caring spouse who will care for me when I get old. Foreigners are much more likely to care for their spouses by the time they get old. A lot of americans divorce their spouses once they get old.

[Summeroflove]

Ok Let me know in 10 years how it went

[Asker]

ok definitely will

[Summeroflove]

Olay

[Asker]

@summeroflove

For the old man, I don't plan on marrying him since he won't be able to care for me by the time I get old. (He is already almost 30 years older than me). If he is unable to provide for me or fail to leave me any inheritance, I definitely will be divorcing him.

I plan on marrying a younger man. Someone who is financially stable and can still contribute. I don't plan on marrying a financially unstable man who can't provide.

Because the truth is... marrying someone financially unstable ill just lead to years of problems down the road... which can potentiate divorce.

you seem to believe that love can triumph any obstacle. The truth is... marrying for love can still mean a very difficult marriage. Especially with a spouse who cannot make your life easier, all he does is to make your life harder. A man who cannot provide, cannot hold onto a steady job, who cannot do half of the housework/ child care. Don't just think that you can sit back, do little to nothing and think that I will still be happy with you because of "love".

Love isn't an excuse for everything. You can marry for love and still suffer immensely

[Summeroflove]

So you don’t want love. Tou would divorce your husband if he became disabled and marry someone else. Even if he did everything you expected of him

[Summeroflove]

See. You’re wanting to use someone.

[Summeroflove]

Well it depends on the couple. Some yes make it through a lot of things and ir makes them stronger. Others discard cheat etc

[Asker]

@summeroflove

If my husband has contributed enough to my life before he got disabled, then I wouldn't leave him. But if he has done little to nothing for me before he got disabled, I will leave him

Marriage requires both partner's contribution. Its not one sided. Just because someone loves you, it doesn't mean they will love you unconditionally no matter what. You must make your wife's life easier in order for her to want to stay married to you.

Divorces happen because men like you just assume you never have to contribute to your marriage.

Lets make it clear, your wife isn't your mother

Only Your mother may love you, just by you showing up and doing nothing, being a lazy piece of shit

[Summeroflove]

But most people nothings ever enough for them. So…. We will see how it goes

[Asker]

@summeroflove

you say nothing is enough for them because you very well know yourself that you have nothing to offer to a woman

this is why women are initiating 70% of divorces nowadays. women , who married for love, simply aren't happy with their husbands

[Summeroflove]

Okay asker so keep attacking me. Keep projecting onto me. You are mad I won’t tell you what you want to hear. If you don’t care about my opinion then stop trying to change it

[Anonymous]

if you have no interest in caring for his daughter that he already has, then don't marry. because you will become a step mom. and step moms have responsibilities too. if you can't find anyone your own age, you may just be the problem. i don't see why a 29 year old can't find someone to date and marry? will you still be interested in this 56 year old 10 years down the road when he's 66 and you're 39? or will he become unattractive to you also? orrrr are you just in this for the money?

[Nikki1989]

A stable partner can offer a predictable and reliable emotional foundation, so it is a valid reason to marry, and it is very unlikely you will find that with a man under the age of 30.

[Asker]

no, its anyone under the age of 45, that usually are picky as hell. Commitment phobic

[petitedollbabee]

If he has enough income to provide you with stability, and this is truly how you feel about rushing to settle down, then yeah go for it I guess.

[astralpro300]

marriage is about peace and stability if he provides that than go ahead marry him

[exitseven]

I always say that if you marry for money you end up paying for it.

[Asker]

not really. take a look at my comments to ProbablyClueless's answer. It explains everything

[Anonymous]

Not a good idea , he’s way too old.