My boyfriend sets me up to be hated by his family!

[Anonymous]

So, the first time it happened, I just brushed it off. His parents had come out from India and I was meeting them for the first time, but we were all in the same house for a week getting to know each other. Well, at the end of a full week, I find out from his mother that she thinks I am horribly disrespectful to them because I kept holding my boyfriend's hand and kissing him (pecks) in front of them. Apparently signs of affection are not well received in the Indian culture, but my boyfriend just neglected to inform me.

Then we were checking out places to have our wedding, and he neglected to tell me until we had traveled more than ten hours to the destination weddings spot we had been thinking about that his parents would only be able to come for the day of the ceremony. I was shocked. Why on earth would he have waited that long to tell me? Didn't he think that might put me at odds with his parents?

Then, at the end of that trip, we spent some time with his brother, where he was saying, "Why would you guys go all the way up there to get married?" And instead of saying, "We had a little bit of miscommunication about things," he said, "She always wanted to get married there." And I could see his brother thinking, "this girl is a totally bitch that is just going to run his life and doesn't care about anything but herself." And if I could see it, I know he could see it too. I felt really thrown under the bus on that one.

So, at the end of all of that, I was thinking to myself, "Ok, so we just need to improve our communication a bit." But then, when I was talking to him about how it was important to get a full list of the auspicious dates to get married from his mother (as is required in their culture) again he was saying that it isn't really a big deal. But here's the thing: I know it is a big deal. A mother doesn't have multiple conversations with her son about the importance of adhering to tradition without caring about these things. She just doesn't.

And he also told me the it wasn't important to have any Indian food on the reception menu, but his sister in law made a point of telling me how important it is that Milind's family have their curries. That people might not eat at all, and would feel offended about traveling overseas without even being properly fed.

What on earth is my boyfriend doing? And how do I make him stop?

[dakraziest]

well chill babe its nt year guys fault... its what happens when you mingle with some1 frm the other race

basically the thing is the guy wants to play cool with ya because frankly speaking you would freak out if he told yu how traditional indian families are bt he also wants his parents to think that hye this is the girl I want not some parviti or durupvati frm gujrat or banglore who can't even dress properly

well first off stop worrying bout the mother in law... thrs no way in hell you would ever be at good terms with her till you deliver a babie boy for her and in traditional indian families sasu maa(mother in laws) dnt really havto get along with thr bahus( daughter in laws) so just let tht one slide she would probably hate yu even if you are a saint

then regarding marriage well you seriously dnt want his parents up thr for the occasion, for they would have awl the crazy ceremonies like mhendi, mayoon and stuff which probably would be quite lame for you and he wants to skip the embrasement

and he said tht to his brother because he wants him to think tht hyeee dude I ain't like you I respect my dame and for her I can do nything

well year sister in law is rite bout the currys ... v desis are pretty precise bout our food and trust me thrs no better cuisine then indo paks so ull havtoo pull his hair on tht one, and bout fussing ohhh yeah they would fuss but dnt worry even if you vr the cook they would still have done it

btw yes in indo pak culture its considered bad or unethical if a guy/girl holds a lovers hand, kiss em or even look at em in a way tht can be counted as loving or wanting...

read bout india and the city he's frm for you clearly need to understand his culture, typical indian families think of thr daughter in laws as an article of pride and possesion so its not advised to wear clothing tht might expose year body or talk in frnt of elders or when two men are speaking and bla bla

p.s m frm pakistan bt if you read history v both came frm a single nation and both suffer frm same probs socially

[Asker]

Thank you!

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

I love my desi boy, and I love being his gori girl. I think this was just what I needed to hear! Thank you!

[Asker]

Another question:

When he tells me to do something that will offend his family (getting married on the wrong date/ not making curries/ holding hands in public/ etc), should I be taking his advice? His opinion of me is obviously the most important to me, but I would like to build a bridge between our two families if possible.

[dakraziest]

if he's a hindu then he must have a strong belief in numerology which is y date has to be when the mahraj(a priest of kind) tells em too

making curries well if you are a good cook then surprise him mayb you would suceed but desi dishes are way too hard too cook for every1 has thr special ingredient which varies frm over cooked to adding a little sugar in a spicy dish

n if you are in india thn I would suggest you nt too hold hands in public till you are married

[dakraziest]

well I can't say nything for certain because people tend to differ and most probably if his family accepted his decision for having a gori girl as thr bahu(daughter in law) then you shud listen to him for he's a guy who knows what he wants and why he wants it

btw in indo pak majority believes in male dominance and if a women acts on her own thn she's nt appreciated

[dakraziest]

btw if you dnt mind I would like too see you both together in a picture or a video

for a gori and desi couple always looks cool

v have the style while you got looks

[Asker]

He is actually a very unusual Indian man. His parents are Hindu, which is why our birth charts matter so much about the date. But Milind is atheist himself. He came to the US over ten years ago with his wife, who he later divorced. He drinks enough to be a regular at our office beer club, and he is known by everyone for saying, "drink up!" He eats meat. He has a white girlfriend. And he has not been back to India in over ten years since he first came here.

[dakraziest]

then hye stop calling him an indian... he's not the guy who his parents raised

btw y did he left his wife... I would advise you to go and dig a little bout tht

btw if he's an athetist then y does he blvs in numerology

[Asker]

His wife cheated on him for several years with his best friend. He kept trying to make the relationship work, but they eventually filed for divorce. She eventually married the guy, and they now have two children together.

I don't know why he believes in numerology... but he does. And astrology as well. He predicted exactly when his cousin would get married using astrology.

[dakraziest]

well you need to talk to him seriously bout it

for I know these things work but a firn believer in them can be a little hard to handle

btw whatever his beliefs are just understand em and then keep em in a corner of year mind bfre yu make ny decisions for he is the one you would be with for the rest of year life and hereafter(if you blv in tht)

[Anonymous]

Weddings make everyone edgy. Take a step back, remember why you're getting married in the first place and don't let anything spoil it. Guys get defensive and easily aggravated when they're around brides asking questions all day and pestering them. Take the questioning slowly, and get him to look you in the eyes when you talk / discuss.

[Asker]

He wasn't getting defensive... or agitated for that matter. Do you have any other ideas on what could be at play? I really don't know what's going on.

[Opinion Owner]

He might just be skirting the issues because he doesn't want his immediate family to have any more influence in his life (as well as his upcoming NEW life) any longer. Men are constantly internalizing their dominance / emancipation from their parents.

Honestly, this sounds like normal getting amp'd up to big time stuff. If something doesn't go to plan on the day of the wedding, it doesn't mean that the rest of the marriage will in the dump. You two will have a happy new life together.

[Asker]

You're right, and I know we will have a good marriage. He is a good man. It would never even occur to me that we shouldn't be together. Even if he decided to bail, I would still love him for the rest of my life anyway.

If his family doesn't like me though, it is going to make it easier for him to cast me aside when the relationship gets difficult (and every marriage gets difficult).

[evilguri]

Well according to me all parents are a little conservative around the world. I know german girl who's mother is absolutely mortified that she is dating a black guy ...not being racist here just given an example explaining a situation. in your case, I'm sure his family is just under a culture shock. the fact that they are OK with you guys getting married says that they have accepted you. It could be a misunderstanding. I think you should try talking to his mother saying that you dint want to hurt her sensibilities at all and you just didn't know that somethings that she did would offend her. She might go into lecture mode keep your cool remember that when she was young back in the 50's, the country india just got its independence from british role so her mind perceives things differently than what your mother in the 50"s would have. they are just different people from a different country living in different times.

Your boyfriend is probably trying to be all alpha male thinking I will handle everything because he is superman. Men do that. I also agree to india101 here , he is trying to be rebellious...i'm sure he doesn't want to marry a girl who he doesn't want his family to like. You don't only marry a person you marry their whole family. Just talk stuff through with his family.

[india101]

I think your boyfriend is a little rebellious towards his parents, that's why he doesn't want to strictly adhere to the Indian traditions. You're just making a big fuss because, well, you're not indian, not that that's a bad thing. It's nice that you want to follow the indian codes and such,. But remember, in the end it's YOUR wedding, you should be able to look back on this day with nostalgia, not with anxiety when your mother-in-law's face pops up. Even many indians, are doing it the American way. Granted I'm christian and we tend to follow the western way a little more closely than people of other religions.

But if you want your wedding to incorporate the indian traditions, ask your mother-in-law for guidance. This will also maybe get you to be on her good side. (fingers crossed!)

And about the hand holding and pecks on the cheeks...(I'm still laughing)...yeah don't do that. It's not that they aren't well received, it's just that it's not respectful. We believe that you should only do that in the comfort of your own privacy where it's more pure. But once you get married, you might have a little more freedom to show your signs of affection. JUST DON'T OVER DO IT!

Good luck and congratulations! I wish you a healthy, happy and long marriage.

[Asker]

dakraziest is right, his mother in law isn't going to like me even if I am a saint. I am not only white, I am also a single mother. And apparently I was disrespectful the first time I met her. She knows that Milind didn't instruct me, and I apologized profusely. Milind's father has been very gracious though and told me that I am now a part of his family. Which I cannot tell you how much I appreciate his kindness.

[Asker]

We are going to have two ceremonies: one christian, one hindu. The trouble is that I don't know many of the traditions and, because Milind and his family are fairly progressive, I can't tell which traditions are mandatory and which are optional. I think I am going to reach out to my future sister in law, because she knows the family and the cultural dynamics. And she has always been very kind to me.

[india101]

what ever you do, make sure you are happy and at peace. Sorry if I'm sounding a bit Yoda-ish..

[jeffr]

Your boyfriend Is using you to escape from his family and culture. He obviously has negative feelings about them but doesn't have the guts to tell them so he is using you as a wall between them and him.