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The Gift Of Confidence

The Gift Of Confidence

Hey g@ggers! I haven't been online in months, and this post will probably explain why. I figured that since some of you seem to enjoy my posts, and a few of you are even invested in my life, I should share this amazing milestone. I've already written a MyTake kind of like this, but the drastic change in myself seems like something that I'd like to acknowledge.

One and a half years ago today, if I had been asked to describe myself in three words, I would have told you something along the lines of "ugly, dull, and unremarkable." None of those are positive words, but they summed up what I thought to be true about myself. I've struggled with anxiety since I was young, maybe seven or eight years old. The symptoms seemed to be my entire personality, and because of that I wasn't taken to be diagnosed by a doctor at the time, so my family made sure to let me know that I was being dramatic and that I was perfectly fine. Because of that, I've had a distorted view of "perfectly fine" for nearly my entire life.

I was treated as a human doormat for as long as I can remember. I was used, lied to, and dropped on my ass by damn near everyone who I encountered, but I had no idea that it was unfair. I felt "perfectly fine", just as I always had. I allowed so much abuse and I tolerated so much straight up bullshit that I didn't understand how to have a real friendship with anyone. I felt that if I made friends, it would simply be people who asked me for favors or used me to feel better about themselves. It put me off from even bothering to make friendships. I isolated myself, and I hurt myself even more by convincing myself that I wasn't worthy of true friendship anyway.

My senior year was better than most, as I found a few people who I felt honestly close to, and a couple even talk to me now after graduation. Around the end of the year, I felt on top of the world, but now I know that it was only because that was the highest I'd been before that point.

I still couldn't bear to see myself in the mirror. I couldn't read my own writing without wishing that I could burn the words off of the page. I couldn't think of anything involving myself without those words echoing in my head, "ugly, dull, unremarkable." I was still in a bad place, and I wasn't sure how I could escape that dark pit of self loathing.

Recently I've begun cutting out the people who hurt me. I've realized that I cannot help everyone, and everyone will not lift a finger to help me. I need to keep the company of those who care to keep me, not those who only need me.

Since surrounding myself with love and positivity, those feelings have begun to seep in. I've been told about my positives before, but never by anyone with thoroughly pure intentions. How could I hold on to a positive thought about myself if I couldn't even keep the people who said them about me? My circle is now small, but their love and support is overwhelming.

I've taught myself for years how to be alone, but it never felt quite so satisfying when I had no choice but to be alone. Now that I'm calling the shots for myself, I know that silence can be golden. I have the power to control who may and may not take from me, and I am no longer jut spiraling out of control.

Now, I no longer avoid mirrors for fear of the beast I'll be faced with. I am not a beast. I do not rely on your likes and comments to feed my dwindling self esteem. I no longer over criticize myself, and paintings done by my own hand hang on every wall of my bedroom.

I am not a doormat. I am no longer a step that people use to propel themselves forward just to be left in the dust myself. I am now the top floor, which people must fight to reach. I am not ugly, I am a graceful young woman. I am not dull, I am a spirited person with a sense of humor to brighten the cloud of despair that may be settling over the heads of others. I am not unremarkable, I am a force to be reckoned with, and a person who will be remembered by those whose hearts I have touched. I may not be who I used to wish that I was, but now I'm even better. I am confident.

I only wish that those reading this who feel as I used to can reach the height that I have. It's a rocky climb, and you will fall before you rise, but by putting one hand over the other you will overcome. You will climb as high as me, and soar higher than I ever did. Thank you all for your support on my past MyTakes, and I hope that someone feeling their lowest will read this and realize that things can always change, but you dont have to actually change yourself to change the image you have of yourself. Find peace, and I love you all ❤

The Gift Of Confidence
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