Hello everyone, I’m Haely, and unfortunately this isn’t a super happy topic. It is an important one, though. While I’m not totally comfortable going into all of the details of what happened to me, I would like to share some of my experience and advice for other young people who may come to be in a similar situation.
I won’t beat around the bush: I was stalked as a late teen by a boy for over a year. It was by far the worst thing I’ve ever experienced, and I still deal with issues as a result. I want to help educate people on the signs to look for and things you can do to protect yourself should someone begin being inappropriate with you, or worse.
Please note, I am by no means a professional. These are just my experiences. To all of the men: please know, I don’t demonize any of you. I know most of you are very amazing people who would never do what this boy did to me at the time, and I don’t feel women need to fear you. I love you angels.
1) Don’t ‘spare their feelings,” and set clear boundaries
Growing up, I came up very “traditionally.” I was taught at a very young age that even if a boy asks you out, you always have to make a conscious effort not to hurt his feelings, because that’s unfair and rude. I was told to appreciate the attention and be polite.
While this isn’t totally flawed, the way I was taught to do it was.
My mother told me it was better to make excuses or offer them friendship than it was to outright say ‘no.’ Saying know would hurt their feelings and make me look like a capital ‘B,” if you catch my meaning.
That is no fault of men, that is the fault of how I was brought up. As a result, I never told boys no to just about anything. I didn’t necessarily say yes either, but I would always withdraw, make excuses, and appear as though I was being indecisive. Some boys mistook this as me playing hard to get or just being shy.
So, when I met a boy who would text me up to 50 times a day, who asked me out every single day at work, and so on, I never told him no, or that he was making me uncomfortable. My own mother, whom I love and still feel blessed to have, trivialized his actions at the time, telling me he was simply enamored with me.
Yes, she does regret it now and I have forgiven her. I ask you not to blame her, she was raised this way as well and didn’t know better.
Set your boundaries, ask them to stop, and make your true feelings known. It’s not ‘wrong’ to hurt someone’s feelings by kindly declining to date them. Yes, it’s sad that they are hurt, but it will only hurt them worse if you give them false hope. Or worse … such as my situation … they’ll be so hurt that they seek you out against your will and say/do things that make you feel threatened.
2) Tell someone and don’t trivialize your concerns
My biggest mistake overall was not going to anyone about this issue. The only people I confided in were a few friends and my mother. In fear of being unfair and demonizing a potentially innocent man, I at first trivialized what he was doing to me. Partly because every time I went to someone, they told me I was overreacting. It made me think I was being dramatic, or begging for attention, which I was accused of.
I also feared getting him into trouble, as before these events, he seemed sweet and simply troubled. So, I largely kept it all to myself, in fear for him, of being judged, and so on. This only made things worse, and I regret it so much.
It took over six months before I involved the police, which is a whole other story. Just know you need to tell people; show them everything, make sure they know what this guy looks like, where they could find him if something happens, and what he’s been saying. This way, if anything happens to you, they’ll have the info they need to give to the police.
3) Go to the police, even if they don’t take you seriously
The police didn’t take my case seriously at first, which I blame on the town I lived in at the time. Because he didn’t threaten me outright with violence (yet) they basically told me all they could do was “talk to him,” for me. Everyone around me thought the guy was just troubled and simply in love with me.
They found out later it was much more than that.
Even if you feel the police aren’t taking you seriously, it’s important to report every incident. This way, there’s a paper trail to follow should things ever have to go legal, or worse.
4) Keep a log of everything they send you
Every text, every photo, every threat, every voicemail; once it surpasses the point of being casual and turns into stalking, you need this evidence to prove what’s happening.
5) Express to them that what they’re doing is not okay
Some people may argue this with me, as it’s usually best to just ignore them and not feed their behaviour. But, in my experience, you’re often scrutinized if you don’t tell them at least once to stop. This is important to do early on, so they understand the behaviour is not appreciated and so police can see you aren’t enticing it.
It’s sad that I even have to tell you this, my angels, but it could be important.
6) Never go anywhere alone/changing your schedule
If you’re being stalked, the worst thing you can do is go anywhere alone. During this period, if I had to go anywhere, I always went with a friend, usually with male friends to make sure I was safe. I also had a discussion with my work manager about the incidents, as this individual was a coworker of mine. At first, he simply changed our schedules around, but after presenting him with more proof, he was eventually fired.
I was regularly switched around between shifts to throw my stalker off, so he could never completely learn my routine. Unfortunately, breaking up routine is vital in preventing them from cornering you.
7) Don’t apologize for what’s happening to you
You may lose friendships through this experience. Your family members may even condemn you for what’s happening. Why … I can only attribute it to its overwhelming nature or the darkness in their own hearts making them view it as something to be envied. It isn’t, it’s terrible. It isn’t flattering or an indication of your worth; it’s the direct result of someone’s mental illness and it’s dangerous.
It’s also not your fault, so don’t apologize to people for what’s being forced on you. You have to stay strong to make it through.
In the aftermath…
The hardest part is getting back to normal once the situation has been dealt with, usually because it never fully ends. While this person has been removed from my life, I still occasionally receive odd messages from who I assume is him, but his threatening behaviour has otherwise stopped.
It took therapy, spiritual healing and a few years before I was able to fully function again. I had to cut some people out of my life who blamed me for the incident, I had to slowly introduce independence back into my life, and I had to learn how to be honest with others when I was frightened or concerned about my surroundings. Eventually, I found a good support group, and can confidently say I’m recovering from the experience well.
Please don’t condemn everyone for your experiences, even though it may be easy to. Know it isn’t your fault, even if you could have done things differently at the time. If people aren’t supportive of you, don’t let yourself go through it alone. Reach out, tell teachers, managers, friends, family, the police, counsellors; anyone who will listen to you and take you seriously.
I love all of you angels, I hope this helps someone...
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