Hey single people, if you managed to get through the holiday without wrapping Christmas Lights around your neck, here's another day to remind you you're COMPLETELY alone!
But don't be too sad for the rest of us... Valentine's is a romantic minefield.
I hope you made reservations a month ago, otherwise the best you can hope for is angry glares at Panda Express, "yes, she'll have the sweet and sour chicken and I'll have the beef and break-up".
It's no coincidence that the most famous thing to happen on Valentine's Day was a Massacre.
Also, can we move this thing to July when everyone has their beach bodies?
Instead it's like:
"heyy, let me get you out of those snow pants"."You haven't shaved your legs since Thanksgiving?, let's get you back in those snow pants".
And of course cupid's the mascot of this abomination. What's sexier than a fat floating baby with a weapon?
Wait, did the nationwide kid get into the archery cabinet?