How often do guys realize they've screwed up and lost a good girl? How often do they go after her?

Question

Do guys typically realize it when they've screwed up and lost a good girl or does it just go right over their head? If they do realize it, how common is it for them to actually do something about it and go after her? Most importantly, what kinds of things make him decide to go after her? Is there anything the girl can do to encourage this?

How often do guys realize they've screwed up and lost a good girl? How often do they go after her?

Belgie · Accepted Answer

I don't think your question makes a lot of sense, because I don't think it accounts for how guys see a break up.

If you dump a girl, then ipso facto she wasn't a good girl.

And if she dumps you, then the same logic applies. A guy thinks of himself as a good or great guy, and a girl who dumps him obviously isn't that good.

The idea that you would then go after her because you suddenly came to the conclusion she was "good", just doesn't make sense.

In my experience, the closest analogy to this sort of question is when a girl dumps a guy, or says "it's over!" when she doesn't really mean it. And she fully expects the guy to chase her and try to make amends.

And more often than not, what happens instead is that they guy goes "Okay" and goes out and sleeps with someone else, usually within a very very short period of time. This causes the girl to have a major freaking meltdown, and start questioning whether he ever really loved her at all, and why didn't try to fight for her, and other such baloney.

I simply don't know of any equivalent to this where it's the guy who screws up and loses a good girl.

Cryostatic · Accepted Answer

Yes, they realize it when they've screwed up and lost a good girl. When they realize this, it can be a catalyst for change in the man. He honestly believes that he's changed for the better, and tries to get her back.

Here's the problem: When she DOES take him back, he instantly un-learns his lesson. Why? Because the bad behavior that caused him to lose the good girl in the first place has now been completely validated. By taking him back, she's essentially told him that what he did is OKAY and FORGIVABLE.

Might take a month, might take a year, but he's going to fall right back into the same crap that got him in trouble in the first place.

The only time a guy ACTUALLY learns his lesson is when he loses that good girl, for good. Then he's likely to take that realization and change and apply it to his NEXT relationship.

So while you may very well cause your ex boyfriend to become the man you've always wanted, you'll never be the recipient of that benefit, only the next girl he's with. Got it?

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

Hope this experience of mine helps.  I dated a guy on and off for 6 years.  During that time, he actually apologized and admitted he'd made mistakes.  Unfortunately, he eventually repeated them.  Fast forward 6 years... we decided to be only friends and never date again.  He agreed that was for the best and admitted that although he cared for me and respected me, he always fell back into taking me for grated which caused him to do things that hurt me.  In the moment he said that, a light bulb went off in my head!  Here's a guy who along the way asked me back, apologized, and admitted he was wrong, yet repeated his bad behavior because he couldn't stop himself from taking me for granted.  He just wasn't into me enough to sustain good behavior.  When I took him back, history would only repeat itself.  Hope this doesn't happen to you!  Good luck!

Alice2398 · Accepted Answer

From what I've experience with guys not long after she stops talking to them and blanks them do they realise they've fucked up big time but most guys move on very quickly as they are more used to rejections so they just think "oh well there's not much I can do about, who's next?".

But some guys never realise nor do they care and some like I said realise very quickly but if he really dose like her they do amit to their mistakes and slowly try and fix things by going back to being her friend again

coachTanthony · Answer

Most of the time the GUY didn't screw up. He didn't lose her. He basically feels he deserves better in some way and made the conscious effort to let her go. If they go after her well they have now decided they are willing to settle for just a GOOD GIRL and not the LOVE of their life. Most people get this wrong.. sorry.

Lish89 · Answer

What kind of change did he need to make? Honestly, this stuff happens a lot, probably due to the shelves and shelves of romance novels that tell us other wise. Ever watch the movie "he's just not that into you."? It's so spot on and I found it so enlightening. Now days, we get with a person and through the honeymoon phase we "fall in love" and then the phase wears out, our oxytocin (love hormone) levels drop because our bodies can not stay in the euphoria stage anymore. Remember staying up havin sex for hours on end and then going to work on four hours of sleep? Ya our bodies can't do that permanently. It's never usually a question of wether the guy just stopped having sex with us or the typical "we use to be so in love" complaint that comes usually after, it's simply our bodies weren't built to stay in that stage for more then one year. So then we settle in to our new relationship and the persons flaws, strengths, weaknesses and true colors show based on what's given to us during the relationship. People say he's changed but really, they haven't. They have just become comfortable and are now showing you who they are. You wait for them to change and even tell them they need to change to keep you when they don't understand why they need too. If you have to ask someone to "change" who they are, then you don't actually love who they ARE. I feel personally you issued him an ultimatum expecting him to come after you and tell you he's sorry and he will change. This is the crap that romance novels have fed you to believe this can happen. Hun, he is who he is and either he wants you in his life or he doesn't. Men are actually way more simple then we expect. We over analyze their actions, when they usually are pretty straight forward. Your expecting him to chase you and change to suit your version of what you think he is. You love the idea of him not actually him or you wouldn't have asked him to "change." I'm sure there are exceptions and people so realize too late what they did wrong, but you learn and move on. Relationships teach you each time about what you want and don't want. This relationship showed you something you don't want in a partner. Instead of hoping for a magical change and that he has it, look for someone who already has it. Asking him to be someone he's not will just disappoint you both in the long run. I did this four four years with my ex before I realized that asking him to change and do things this way was asking him to change who he was.

BlueCoyote · Answer

I can proudly say about myself that I have never been the reason for a breakup in any of my relationships.
In my first relationship, my girlfriend broke up with me after a year because she said I'm treating her "too good" (yes, too good, not too crappy). She wrote me a long hand-written letter explaining how she doesn't deserve me. We remained friends for a long time after that though.
In my second relationship, my girlfriend cheated on me. However, I wasn't the one who broke up. In fact, I forgave her. Then she cheated again and broke up with me soon after cheating for the second time.
In my third relationship, we were both happy but the relationship couldn't continue because this was in America and my time living there was over. I had to go back home. So, it was the circumstances that tore us apart.
And my fourth relationship was the girl I ended up marrying.

So, I can confidently say that I have always tried my best to treat girls as good as I can and I've always tried to keep things together, fix them and talk them out instead of throwing everything away. Even when a girl did something wrong to me, I tried my best to see past it and remember why I fell in love with her in the first place. Of course I'm not perfect and like all other human beings I have my flaws but when it comes to relationships and love, I have to say I would do everything the same again. Even back when I was 15, I was generally very mature about this issue. Unfortunately, not all of the girls I loved and dated were as mature as me.

art84 · Answer

I"ll share a personal story about how I feel that I lost a good girl. I knew this girl who both of us attended a church together. She was a few years younger than me. I myself had grown to like her since she was quiet like me and was friendly and smile when seeing me. I finally got the courage to ask her out and she have me her number and said sure "I love to go out with you". From there things didn't go anywhere. She started distancing herself from me. She would constantly give me excuses that she had family over so she couldn't go out. I finally got the hint and just gave up. You can't forced a girl to fall in love or be attracted to you when she has no interest in you. She eventually changed churches and I didn't see her for sometime. I had found that she was seeing another guy and they ended up marrying. She finally visited our church since we were celebrating a merger between our church and another one. I had saw her during the evening service with her husband and baby but thought nothing of it. Eventually i saw her again at the dinner and it finally hit. I thought about how I could have went after her and it just made me feel sad seeing her and husband and baby together. I never knew her personally so it's that big of a deal. But I think there was a part of me that felt that I could do better than her.

onemoreplease · Answer

I've had 2 exes (1 serious, one not) get back in touch and try to get back together.  The one I'd had a serious relationship with (2 years) apologized for all kinds of things and said breaking up was the biggest mistake he'd ever made.  And I certainly don't think I'm the only girl this has ever happened to, so I don't know why the guys who responded are acting like "no guy would ever do that."  Yes, men sometimes do make mistakes and regret their actions and realize they've messed up with a girl.

Lifetaken · Answer

Well I had one ex that I still care about slot she was one of my best friends and I are it up so bad.
She broke up with me and that day I wasn't that emotional e stable, needy and cling. I started yelling and telling her awful thing. I realize that a fucked up really bad and said sorry but she wasn't having it.
A few months past I was thinking how fuck up I am so started to change both mentally and fiscally not for her but for me I wanted to be a decent person at leat. You can say that she change me in a way and I'm glad that it did.
She texted to me and we started to text each other. But soon I realized we couldn't be friends because I fuck it up no matter way I looked at it we wouldn't be the same like before. So I think it throughly and decided it would be the best for both of us if we went our separate ways.
It hurts not able to talk to her anymore and I still regret the things I said to her but I least I know she will be happy and so as I.

newbie2015 · Answer

Yes. And often. I often see potential in people instead of who and where they are in reality. As a result 50% of men I've dated have begged me to take them back. they've called and texted, many years and years later. They still periodocally message me, call me and hope that I'll take them back.

But what makes this all sweet isn't their regret, or the fact they appreciate me now, but that I've grown from each experience. Im a better me. So by the time they "come to jesus" I've long since moved on. I have no desire to retread. The first mistake is shame on them. The second time its shame on me...

Spawnface · Answer

In my experience women are like broken pots after you hurt them. There is no way to fix what is broken, assuming you don't count on glue.

When these things occur to me I don't do any chasing as I don't see myself as the one responsible. I am the one that encourages open dialogue and is bluntly truthful in my self expression. Having to play mind games, reading minds from people that refuse to just plainly speak is beyond what I consider tolerable. The problem I often run into is the open dialogue and honest expression is one sided. It's not in my best interest to waste time on people who haven't matured enough in that way. As far as I am concerned, so long as dialogue remains possible, almost any relationship can prosper. There shouldn't be a breaking point or an instance where the relationship crumbles under this rule.

whyisitso · Answer

I am maybe not the right person to answer this... But I have something to say about it.

Some guys came back for me. I am this typical "good girl" and I know I often go for those guys, who turns out to treat me bad, because they think I am that good girl who always forgives and understands.

I don't like to become some kind of glossy picture to those guys. I want them to see that I have my faults too and respect those faults in me. I appreciate everyone for being open and real, with all their faults.

So if a guy who hasn't been appreciating what I am I don't want to take them back. I know I would if they at least admitted they did wrong when they took me for granted. But usually they don't. So why even think about guys coming back? I would tell you to go find a better one! The one who appreciates you before it is too late.

Weapon77 · Answer

I never lose good girls. I once waited too long to act and she got a boyfriend, but I dont think that is really a loss because I never "had" her. If I thought a girl was good, I'd never let her go. Maybe your question is coming from the fact that most girls (and guys) tend to think that they are great catches and cannot figure out why someone would breakup with them. I'm sorry, but we need to start seriously looking at ourselves and realizing we need a lot of work. Either the girl the guy let go was not actually that good, or the guy who let her go is bad, and who wants either of those relationships to continue? It is good when they end.

martyfellow · Answer

We guys often are said to 'screw up', since so many girls are unforgiving and walk away if you don't score 99 on their personal point system. Most guys realize that going after her is pointless since pride wouldn't let them change their minds even if they wanted to.

A really good girl will allow you a few minor mistakes!

MimiHashima · Answer

Some guys don’t realize it and brush it off. Some though do realize it but most to half of the time it’s likely too late. Almost like the saying, “you don’t know what you’ve lost/had till it’s gone”. But I’m also curious as to why this question was asked.. especially the last one. It feels slightly like a cat chase dog or vice versa thing and i hope will not be looked at as a solution...
I’ve had certain guys that took me fore granted completely and sometimes treated me a way that they wouldn’t treat themselves in the end.. and when they realized they screwed up on certain things, it was too late and few of them wanted me back... i still respect some of them till this day, but i have my personal stand/standards and dealbreakers on things.

Anonymous · Answer

If he did all those rotten things to you and you left him because of it, then why are you wondering what you need to do to make him come back?  Didn't you already give him a condition (which never works by the way) to shape up or you were shipping out?  Yes, yes you did.  So stick by your word.  If you go back on your word and try to seek his attention, he'll lose respect for you because you aren't sticking by your word.  No matter how great you are, you might not be the greatest girl for him.  He might not see all of your wonderful qualities as the ones he wants in his partner.  If you were the right girl and it was the right time, you wouldn't be going through this.  He would have tried harder from the get go to make things right btwn you.  The best thing to do now is part ways, look for a guy that is more deserving of your affections.

ak667 · Answer

"Good" is an ambiguous trait. There's what people want and then everything else. If someone breaks up with you or you break up with them, then the you or the person didn't offer what was wanted. Take "nice guys'' as an example. Maybe a decent number of them are "good". But they aren't wanted.

Anonymous · Answer

Not so much often because you don't screw up every day and you don't meet so nice person every day but it happened to me once and I did go after her but couldn't find her anywhere, after more than 10 years it came to me to look for her but I knew earlier that I did screw up just didn't admit that to my self at that time. I guess if you wanna encourage him just say like "Hi (I am here, I am existing near you and I am friendly)" , you just need to get that message across with your behavior and acts

Anonymous · Answer

This older guy I used to be friends with told me of the time he had a woman who was "the one that got away." He admitted he hadn't been a good boyfriend -wasn't attentive, made her cry on a couple of occasions, etc. So she broke up with him. He said he truly loved her and was devastated by the loss of her. Said he actually had to go to counseling after the breakup because losing her was so hard on him. I don't know if he tried to get her back -I think he must have (he never went into detail on that), but yeah she was the one he most regretted breaking up with.

admles · Answer

This question is kinda strange, because if she was a good girl to him, he wouldn't have broken up with her.

What you're really saying is that you think you're a good girl and he shouldn't have broken up with you, and you hope he'll come crawling back.

vishna · Answer

mmm I let a good man go, when I say good, I mean good husband material, good father material, put me first, treated me like a goddess, and it's hard to come to terms that sometimes you shouldn't have what's easy... sometimes maybe people just aren't meant to be together. I wish him a partner like him, that would love him like he loved me.

walid96 · Answer

In order to answer your question, i'll tell you a resume of my story with a lovely one.
Well, i lost a precious girl and it wasn't good at all. Now it's been 3 years nearly since i did that. I tried once after 2 years and a half to have her back and she turned her back on me. This thing came back to me several times per month and practically i want to go in another relationship to forget her. This makes me very insane and becoming sadist.

Otherwise, if an honest man would really come back to a girl he'll do it and ask for pardon if she deserves to.

elementalist · Answer

If you were asking me alone, I can honestly say I had good reason, and I don't look back. We all learn lessons from the many relationships we have through life. If you're adamant to find this guy you're talking about, it sounds like your trying to role reversal this. A self-respecting intelligent man will have no respect for a lady inclined to sheer manipulation

sexyasianboi26 · Answer

How often do guys realize they make mistakes? Not as often as girls think.

Life is about choices, and some choices you have no way of telling that it's full of consequences.

When guys do realize that they've made a mistake then of course we have regrets. Some guys will chase the girl right back and some will just simply move on. Either choices is the best way for a guy to take responsibility for his actions.

PixieDust · Answer

Sweetie, guys won't change unless they really want to make that conscious effort to change. I understand what you are trying to say because I've been through it myself. My advise is, stop banking your hopes on this guy if it's been years of disappointment. He may not be able to give you what you are looking for. Also, the part you hope he will try to get you back (by not talking to him and acting angry) doesn't work most of the time... Sorry.

TripleAce · Answer

Not often because most people are spiteful. If they can get a chance to now have the upper hand they will take it

So she will most likely reject him and move on because it makes her feel
Better. Besides she's already kinda move on and her anger is fierce lol

Anonymous · Answer

I was once in this position with an ex and I saw the break up coming months in advance (subconsciously).

I wasn’t surprised when the day came. There was shit I needed to figure out on my own. She deserved better than what I was at the time.

Later I fantasized about her and i being reunited (I have changed over the years) but I look back on what caused the break (I wasn’t ever that physically attracted to her but loved her as person) and realize that’s not going to happen.

But I didn’t get closure about something really shitty that happened after the split. She took the cowardly mental shortcut and exaggerated my faults in order make herself feel better for her decision. She could even say my fucking name when we met up later for business purposes. That hurt, REALLY hurt.

Fhamator · Answer

Well if it was his fault and he did something im pretty sure he would try to apologize and if your saying she left i guess she didn't really give him a choice , if it was a long/deep relation ship he will try to contact her by any means the girl should just help him or be comprehensive and responsive in this case IF she feels like it.

kheserthorpe · Answer

Any time I've left a relationship, the more distance I had from it, the more I wished I'd gotten out sooner.

Darknut · Answer

a lot of the times in my case. I really do lile the woman, but she'd rather be off with some other guy and stay unhappy, i guess afraid of leaving who knows. Then I'm stuck wondering, really, why won't you go out with me. Walk away in defeat and heartbreak.

Unit1 · Answer

I wouldn't rely on this because most guys care only about pussy and themselves. Look for someone, who will treat you each time you see each other like you would see each other for the last time - not literally but similarly. Because something terrible might happen to any of you.

pavlove · Answer

all the time, i mean my thoughts are a lot of guys dump a girl quickly without thought and then run back to her later on but the thing about that is they oobviously didn't value the girl for whatever reason and they might miss the attention but they don't really want to be with her...

hereforthefunofit · Answer

She may think she is a good girl, but that doesn't mean she was what he wanted. Guys for the most part never go back. If they do it's because they think that problem has changed. But people dont change so they soon learn it was a mistake to go back and they end it again. In short never go back to an ex

Danxsarah · Answer

Wow I can't even with these comments ... well I can honestly say that I'm not like a lot of boys out there

And I can definitely say this I've never screwed up like those boys out there it them that give guys like me a bad name

But the saw does cut both ways

I find some of these comments disgusting especially on the males side

Lance1965 · Answer

I don't think it happens that often at all with guys unless they screw up by cheating or something obviously wrong like that. Women exchange their partners far more often than men do. Also, most people think they are a better catch than what they actually are. If a guy lets a girl go he usually has a good reason for it.

Steve95 · Answer

Maybe you aren't as "good" as you think you are. A lot of girls blame the guy for taking the, for granted but maybe the GIRLS just aren't worth it. Ever think about it that way?

*I'm not saying you specifically are not worth it, it's just another angle which I feel girls need to start considering*

Anonymous · Answer

she always said one day she would leave me if i kept ignoring her and not coming to visit more often and then one day she did.
i did realise what a mistakes been made but its already too late and no amount of birthday cards and flowers over the past 8 years make any difference once they go off you because you treated them badly thats it

RobLovesDemi19771992 · Answer

Very few and rare of them are going to be good. Most of them are whackjob psychopaths or your classic golddigger or your classic cheating whore or a combination of all the above if not two or more. So the question then becomes why would a guy waste his time chasing after a freak like that. Answer he wouldn't unless he was hard up and desperate for pussy

ichighost · Answer

I'm going after one right now... I don't know what I did been a day and a half since I heard from her. 2 of her social media gone... i wanna call but already sent a text. I don't know if I'm blocked. Anxiety through the roof

Dreamweaver671 · Answer

Why are you hiding? This is not anonymous questions!!!

Every woman is a good woman. But some are perfect. When I was younger and stupid. I lost several perfect women by trying to hard and being possessive. Including my true love from High School.

Lynzerilee · Answer

They might never do, cause they've rejected you for their own subjective reasons that decided you weren't good enough. But it will be their loss and a chance for you to meet people who will love for who you are.

Goodwifie · Answer

Sometimes they don't know what they have until they've lost it.  My husband fought pretty hard when he realised just how badly he had messed up and I told him that I wanted him to leave.

Pikachula · Answer

Some guys do, some don't.
It's what you see in the other comments, it's also what I see in real.

When exes return after years and also keep trying and apologising for years.
And then some not coming back or not really.

MMM369 · Answer

Messaged this girl... co worker told me something ‘great to say’ it would only work if she was a hoe... she wasn’t a hoe which is what I was looking for... Yepp she said “why does every guy have such a dirty approach “ LOL fml

Anonymous · Answer

It depends on your definition of "good girl". If a guy is dating a girl and he decides she's not a good girl, regardless of what she thinks of herself, what would change his mind later when she's no longer around? He;s still going to see her the same way.

MikkiM · Answer

I believe there are still good girl out there, and if she is special enough for her, i think he would think twice to chase her again

Trey0209 · Answer

1. Most guys.
2. Depends on the guy some are to shy or to overly confident.
3. There bravery to not just spectate and engage.
4. Drop hints and hope they aren't an idiot other then that I can't help just follow with trial and error ( oh and watch anime 😇😈😉)

torwulf · Answer

Never. I don't screw up and lose good girls. All the girls i lose, i lose for good reason, if for nothing more than an opportunity to upgrade to a superior model.

bubble_tea · Answer

"Most importantly, what kinds of things make him decide to go after her? Is there anything the girl can do to encourage this?" No, there isn't. Life is not a soap opera.

BrownBratzDoll · Answer

They will not be going back but to use u. If a man had u and didn't value u, he never wanted u in the first place u were just something to do, consistent pussy until he got somebody that he really wants

AllThatSweetJazz · Answer

Most are of the more reasonable mentality that if you ended it’s inappropriate to “fight for you.”

If you want them to fight for you then they should be letting it go even more so. Those games are for big poopyheads.

Anonymous · Answer

all these people sound good but here is the issue
the majority of you are stupid

men and women a like
a new relationship will change nothing lol
look im just telling you from experience

the only thing I learned is that you women are a huge issue
and I want nothing to do with you literally
sex is the only thing I want at this point

cause I finally understand how you women think
and its horrible no wonder you women hate each other

Logorithim · Answer

It's usually too late when you realize it. When I did and tried to resume the relationship, she was only interested in friendship.

achezc · Answer

It happened once to me… a million for time ago when I was an idiot and before I started working on myself

Anonymous · Answer

Many guys realize when they lost a good girl and develope what I dub "The I Fucked Up Syndrome" Where they are torn betwwen going after her or move one. Some may refuse to start another relation to avoid it happening again

peachblossomluck · Answer

They usually do but by the time they return and try to get her back she's disgusted, over him, and not interested any longer.

CluelesslyClueless · Answer

There was a girl I liked I never caught, if I thought there was still a chance I'd try, unfortunately I'm 95% sure there is none.

Factshurt90 · Answer

thank you for this question. these responses have reminded me why I'm single. lol

TayTay21 · Answer

If it's over, why would he beat his head against a brick wall that way?

Konnour · Answer

Um.. what about 'never'? I don't regret anything, what is done is done, there's absolutely no point of beating yourself regardless of reason.

Ayer93 · Answer

If the girl leaves me then I say fuck it... they can't appreciate me. I'm over it. If I leave them, I've already decided that I don't see myself with them, so... either way... No.

Benedek38 · Answer

Only happened once so far. There was no option to go after her.

fenixx0083 · Answer

I wouldn't know, I've never lost a good girl, only stuck around far too long time after time waiting for the girl she was pretending to be in the beginning to come back

How often do guys realize they've screwed up and lost a good girl? How often do they go after her?

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How often do guys realize that they've lost a good girl?

How often do guys realize they've screwed up and lost a good girl? How often do they go after her?

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How often do guys realize that they've lost a good girl?

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