Why do sparks fade between people?

[roxygirlskier]

Have you ever felt like you met someone who was "the one" and 2-3 weeks later you have nothing to talk about... How does that spark fade? What happens to it? What changed?

[MrOracle]

Usually this happens for one or more of the following reasons:

- The person you THOUGHT was "the one" (a ridiculous concept to begin with) before you really knew anything about them became much less attractive once you got to know them a bit better.

- The person doesn't feel the same (or not as strongly) about you.

- The person isn't making an effort to engage with you, leaving you feeling like you're talking to a brick wall.

- The person is fine, but their family or background or situation is so bad that you lose any interest in being with them.

The bottom line with any of these, for the folks this happens to: you let yourself get attached TOO QUICKLY, before you really knew anything about this person. That's a bad trait to have, and one that is going to cause you lots of pain and grief. Learn to withhold your attachment until at least a few dates in, and only AFTER you've gotten to know them, and "interviewed" them for compatibility with you. Be strong enough to let them go if you find major areas of incompatibility, because those things will break you up eventually anyway, and why get attached and waste all that time with a relationship that's doomed to fail from the start?

[roxygirlskier]

ugh yes, I was always talking to a brick wall! he was like in love with me and then just stopped talking one day. See, it's funny, we went on a date, talked on the phone for over a week for like 3 hours at a time and everything was magical and we had the same values etc etc and it was fun and he could talk about anything... then one day he was just like, I'm out of questions. It was really after we got super physical (we did wait 2-3 weeks). after that he kind of... stopped talking

[JackDRipper]

What changed?

In my personal opinion (and hypothesis), you did.

We are humans we adjust to our situations, sometimes for the worse.

What I think happens sometimes when we fall in love is that we stop being in love with ourselves and life, which is pretty normal, and we focus on being in love with someone else. There you have it, we focus on someone else.

What are we drawn to? We are drawn to excitement, solving mysteries, and most of all individuals.

Just because you found someone new to love does not mean you have to stop loving yourself and figuring out what else you love.

I understand a relationship takes some time, attention, and energy but you have to make room for yourself and your own personal happiness. I think that if you remember this than you would see a change in your perspective and experience.

You're BF/GF is not the rise and end of the world so stop bragging about it on FB because it annoys us link we know you're more interesting than that (this is directed at everyone).

[roxygirlskier]

huh that's interesting. Idk. maybe you're right... I did try to like lots of the things he liked... but mostly because I was trying to be nice? Hm. Idk, I still hung out with my friends while we were dating.

[JackDRipper]

Although you should be open minded you shouldn't change who you are, if he liked you before you began to like most of the things her liked that means that he liked you, not someone who all of a sudden wanted to become him to please him.

[roxygirlskier]

yeah no, I just ried to express an interest in his interests. not more than that I'd say though

[JackDRipper]

Sharing interests are important but I've seen people who forget about the world when they finally have someone

[roxygirlskier]

ew, I hope I never do that. Maybe I did? I don't know. I don't think so. I was still able to do things I like while with him.

[JackDRipper]

While with him. But on your own? Like with him not around?

[roxygirlskier]

oh when he wasn't around I def did my own thing. went to the gym... all that I guess

[tatianamalovana]

i beg to differ, love is actually a drug. you think you get that "in love" feeling when your brain releases dopamine. & if you don't feel like you like them after a few weeks, then either they're not the one for you, and you know it, or you yourself are just like that, you get bored easily in relationships, but it doesn't mean you won't find anyone. You will find someone that you don't lose interest in quickly, and when you do, hold on to them.

[roxygirlskier]

hmmm yeah. I don't think I would have lost interest if he hadn't stopped talking... I think we'd be in that relationship a lot longer had he not silenced after 4 weeks. I got so bored at dinner! He'd just nod or say "nice" or wink at me. Never any conversation though

[Arwens-Fire]

That person is clearly not "the ONE" if emotions concerning the individual can fade so quickly. Its more like infatuation.

[roxygirlskier]

yeah... that's too bad. it was great, but then he just stopped talking. I should have ended it... idk, I wanted to bring back what was there, but it never came back

[Arwens-Fire]

Is suggest you just move on.It is not your job to try and mend things. That means YOU are doing all of the work for someone who supposedly cares so much...nope! Find someone more fitting.

[roxygirlskier]

hmmm good point I guess... too bad. I'm just too nice lol.

[Prof_Don]

To make it short, it's because one or both people don't take the time, effort, dedication, and selflessness to maintain the spark.

A spark can be maintained...if both people have the commitment and maturity to keep it going.

Sadly most people in the USA of all ages lack that selfless maturity to do so.

[roxygirlskier]

hmmm yeah. it just didn't work... he stopped talking and that was a big part of it. he said he'd "run out of questions." how do you stop wondering about someone? their day? what they are thinking? he tried to buy me gifts, flowers, dinner etc in order to keep the spark... but that didn't really work... I'm a conversation person and he just stopped talking. :/ blah

[M_A_X]

I agree with you, but I also have to agree with what the other guy said, about the honeymoon stage. Eventually, things with this person are going to stop feeling so new and fresh, because you're going to know them inside and out.

Like Prof Don said, though, you can still have a really powerful relationship, but it takes maturity, patience, and above all else, a desire to be together.

[roxygirlskier]

hm yeah. it just wasn't there... I couldn't sit through another dinner conversation where all he did was wink at me and say "nice" to every other thing I said. I need someone who's willing to engage in conversation with me. it's funny, the 4th week of this relationship he sat me down and told me everything he didn't like about me and that he didn't want a honeymoon phase because he doesn't believe in them. I wanted to break up after that but he showed up every day for a week to make it up to me.

[Arwens-Fire]

@Prof Don:

Exactly.Well said.

[Prof_Don]

@QA

Wow, that guy is definitely atypical. How old was he? That sounds like something an older guy would say.

[roxygirlskier]

22 lol. He thinks he should be married with kids right now. He really is only dating to marry... told me from the beginning that if I wasn't looking for marriage right now then there is no point in starting a relationship

[Prof_Don]

Some guys are like that...they find transient relationships that are known to be short-term, as a waste of time.

I don't think he's wanting to get married 6 months into the relationship.

I simply think that he is looking for something long-term. I don't find that bad at all imo. Do you find it so terrible that he is against short-term transient relationships?

[roxygirlskier]

oh no, I don't think that's bad at all! I was just bummed because I was actually okay with where things were. lol I'm kind of sad that I was SO short term. only a month and a half ish? ouch. lol.

[CC830]

because love isn't a feeling, it's a decision. a couple gets passed the feely good honeymoon stage of their relationship and things get real, life isn't a fairy tale and TV shows that say relationships are supposed to be easy if that person is the one, are full of crap, that's why people are always getting divorced, because no one wants to fight for the relationship they're in anymore. you have to ask yourself "is this person and our relationship worth fighting for?", because if you base your relationship on feelings of lovey dovey-ness, then you will end up separating

fight the good fight!

[M_A_X]

Exactly what he said. I couldn't have said it better myself (although I would have used capitilization lol)

[pheabs]

great answer! couldn't agree more :)

[roxygirlskier]

yeah. I don't think he wanted to fight for it anymore. the 4th week of our relationship he sat me down and told me everything he didn't like about me. I was so put out I wanted to end things. They were all personality points. Then, that week, he showed up on my campus every day to make it up to me... so it made it impossible to break up with him. In the end, I got dumped. Blah. I agree though, love is a decision... and he didn't even like me for me, I don't know why he pretended to be in love for so long

[artfullyliving]

Its normal.

Love is a phase and there are several phases, but if you try to tell yourself or the other one you're not in love and they cry or get sullen or moody then you're lying. If you thrive on doing that- yanking his chain, or bringing yourself to the brink just to feel it then you need a sweeter man maybe or else you have to try to train the one you have so it looks right to you. Retrace your steps and ask "What was it you liked about me in the beginning?"

[roxygirlskier]

oh geez, he used to pull the "you don't really like me!" He was kind of kidding... but I was never sure. of course I liked him, I wouldn't use someone. he never seemed to trust me and I don't know why.

[TimePhantom]

They fade because that person is no longer new. You learned all these great things about them, and got to know them and their personality. But once you know them and know the type of person they are you need to make a decision on whether you still have an interest in their life after that. Most of the time after that initial period is over and both people kind of go back to their normal routines, the interest dies.

[roxygirlskier]

huh yeah. I guess I lost interest because he stopped talking. I don't know what made him lose interest in me

[TimePhantom]

Did you talk to him about the problem? Did he know that you had lost interest in him?

[roxygirlskier]

a bit yeah, he told me he had just run out of questions. that was kind of the extent of the conversation though

[TimePhantom]

Well then that's the thing. It's not an interview, it's a conversation. And if it's difficult for either of you to easily have a conversation then you either don't have that much in common or can't find interest in the other person. In the beginning it is kind of like an interview, you're asking questions to try and get to know the other person. But after you know them you need to be able to talk without just asking questions.

[roxygirlskier]

yeah, I mean, I never ran out of q's, but that's probably because I'm creative haha. he did... that's so sad. funny to think two people with pretty much the same ideas and values could be so different

[hoodratsk8r]

There are always sparks when you meet someone new.But if they where truly your one and only.Then the sparks would never fade only intensify.Love will never fade if it is pure and real.Such is the same for romance it never fades it just needs some thought in it.Love needs work as well.But the sparks should never fade.But that is just what I think

[roxygirlskier]

hm yeah, I think I agree. It's just too bad :/. He and I broke up... but we both agreed the first few weeks were awesome and then it went away. I guess it really wasn't meant to be.

[hoodratsk8r]

Yup if it as then you wouldn't be asking this... :)

[roxygirlskier]

haha very true. he was too type A anyway. didn't believe in the honeymoon phase? silly boys.

[hoodratsk8r]

lol yup but the honeymoon faze is the best faze because it is fun spontaneous and kinda hot.And if it was meant to be then everyday would feel that way

[roxygirlskier]

haha yeah! what's wrong with him? lol

[hoodratsk8r]

Nothing is wrong with either of you.You got the butterfly dates as I call it that is when you meet someone knew and you feel all kinds of butterflies in your stomach and the thrill of meeting someone new.Then as you get to know people the butterflies stay or leave

[roxygirlskier]

yeah. I mean, I guess I realize our personalities didn't mesh... blah. I just wish he wasn't so stringent on not being friends at all. means I can't be friends with his friends either.

[hoodratsk8r]

well if you're already friends with his friends then screw that stay friends with your friends

[roxygirlskier]

lol I became friends with them through him sadly. pretty sure they don't want anything to do with me... they definitely picked him over me

[hoodratsk8r]

yeah well you are better off without them

[roxygirlskier]

hahaha aw thanks. I feel like every day gets easier. I had this whole elaborate plan to make it clear to him that I didn't want to get back together with him, but that I was okay with being friends, him liking my fb statuses, hanging out etc. But then... I just haven't gotten to it... I mean, I don't want him to hate me or feel like every sappy post I make is about him. I want it to feel free again... but then again writing him almost feels pointless now... almost a month later :/

[hoodratsk8r]

yeah I get that.I wouldn't bother he wasn't worth your tears or your time.You will be okay

[roxygirlskier]

aw yeah, I definitely will. I think I might tell him he doesn't have to be a stranger, but skip all the lengthy stuff.

[stanhope5]

trying to do to much at one time can definitely do that. try to space your time with each other, really leave some mystery in the relationship.

[roxygirlskier]

yeah, I mean, it ended, but we both kind of wondered where the fun of the first few weeks went and why it went so fast. :/

[jeff22]

The same reasons people wan't a new phone every year these days...

[aGuyfromTexas]

Lmao Yup Exactly.

[GAG1989]

because they are boring people. if you're not finding out something new about them everyday (even if you think you've gotten all of it already) then you're going to become dull and boring, thus the spark fades

[roxygirlskier]

he was kinda boring... never engaged in any conversation after a while. I was so bored!

[GAG1989]

thus forth, why you lost interest..boring people aren't interesting

[roxygirlskier]

still sad to lose a friend lol

[GAG1989]

true, but it happens...just have to move on

[roxygirlskier]

maybe I'll contact him in a month and see if he wants to hang out? eh?

[GAG1989]

no

[roxygirlskier]

lol can't hurt... maybe

[Arwens-Fire]

QA:

Why would you contact him in a month to see if he wants to hang out?Are you kidding?Now that just sounds desperate sorry to say,but its true.And then you mentioned he sat you down and told you everything he dislike about you...seriously?He was telling you in more than one way that he is no longer interested.If you contact hin again,all you will be doing is hurting yourself. Respect yourself enough to just MOVE ON.

[GAG1989]

...and antagonizing him. trust me, the best thing is to move on. you have two people telling you to move on, I think its a safe bet to "move on"

[roxygirlskier]

I definitely see your point. I guess I'm just bored with the guys I have around me. idk. Finding guys where I am is so difficult. I guess I am a little desperate to hang on. I go to an all girls college and I'm so busy that I never leave. I don't know what I was thinking doing that... I mean I'll have a great education, but I haven't dated and I'm never around guys. I finally found one that is nice and decent (and not from a bar). I guess I do sort of want to hang on :/

[GAG1989]

...and you'll only hurt yourself doing that

[roxygirlskier]

maybe I can survive 5 more months of single life :/

[GAG1989]

maybe, maybe not...im not your therapist, I answered your question, now move on