So . . . 99% of the time, the couple above is not you and Miss Perfect (or you and Mr. Right.) You've been living together for more than a year and you're happy. You're as happy as pigs in a mud puddle. You're so happy you must sit on your hands to keep from clapping.
You both graduated from the same university. Both of you enjoy college football, Italian and Mexican food, comedies, historical documentaries, state parks, and travelling by car. She laughs at your jokes and you love her cooking. When the lights get turned off, you are both ready to do the horizontal mambo in 9 different positions and you've never before had so much satisfying sex. But, for you, it is making love. Yes, you love her and she loves you. But the three little words that might save your relationship are not "I love you." It's wonderful to say that to each other but that is not the subject of this myTake.
That other 1% of the time: you have silly arguments. Not silly like everyone's laughing at the end of the argument. Silly like you argue over where she parked in the driveway that left your car blocked. Or whether she threw out your favorite sweatshirt that she hated. Or whether her sister really likes you or hates your guts! You argue over things that really don't matter but neither of you can let go and . . . YOU GO TO BED ANGRY! Ain't no boom-boom in the crib tonight, jack!
Although these arguments are silly because they concern issues that don't make a significant difference, or things you can't change, they are serious in this sense. Every argument that you have leaves a cumulative mark on your relationship. The Grand Canyon was formed by the Colorado River flowing through the mountains over millions of years and, in the same fashion, your relationship will be eroded by the repetitive effect of these arguments, so . . .
I have three suggestions for resolving disagreements.
1. The three little words. Here are the three little words that every person wants to hear their partner say on occasion: "I was wrong!" I know, I know, you're not supposed to admit that you're wrong. It's a matter of pride. And I don't want to hear any of the ladies saying, "Oh yeah. That's exactly how men are!" Women, we men have no monopoly on stubbornness and pride. There is just as much "goat blood" in your veins as there is in our's.
Ladies and gentleman, think about this. How much pride is there in sitting on a bar stool at 9:30 pm on a Tuesday night, telling the bartender about the great woman who used to be your wife? How pathetic is that? Ladies, would you really rather be alone and not have that guy who made you feel so safe when he had his arms around you? What pride is there in heating a can of chicken noodle soup in the microwave on a Friday night and slurping it up while watching Downton Abbey on Netflix?
Pride? Get over it. Your relationship is more important than your ego. If you're married, you made some promises about devoting your energy to preserving your union. If you are not married, you have at least an understanding that you are together for the long term and you will do all you can to make it work.
So tell her: "I was wrong. I don't know what happened to my sweatshirt and I have no reason to accuse you of throwing it out." Ladies: "I know we talked about where to park in the driveway but I was in a hurry to get in the house because I had to pee real bad and then I forgot that I was blocking you in." How easy was that?
There's one great benefit in saying "I was wrong." Before long, your partner may be saying those words to you about something else. And there is nothing that is as satisfying as knowing that your partner set aside their foolish pride because you are much more important to them.
2. Have an agreement about concessions. I'm not talking about popcorn and peanuts at the movies. I'm talking about giving in to your partner . . . sometimes. This applies when you need to make a decision about something and you can't agree. Before you have that disagreement, have this talk with your partner:
"I want us to have an agreement about resolving differences that may come up between us. If we are both stubborn, nothing will ever get resolved and our relationship will turn into a power game. Instead, when we have a disagreement, I want you to tell me how important it is for you to get your way on this issue. And I need for you to be very honest about that. Then I will tell you how important it is to me, and I'll be just as honest about it. Whoever feels that it is not as important should then agree to let the other one make the decision on this issue. This only works if we are both completely honest about the importance of the issue and we each understand that approximately half the time, the other one should get to make the decisions. If you tell me, every time, that this is the most important decision you have ever confronted, it will be clear that you are not interested in compromise and I'll be disappointed. And either one of us can cancel this agreement at any time, so if you always say that something is vitally important, this will all fall apart very quickly. But, if you tell me that it is not so important and let me make decisions some of the time, I will feel very proud that I have chosen you as a partner. So is it a deal?"
Of course your partner can take advantage of that agreement, but if they do, it will be obvious, and you will not be in a worse position than if you never had the agreement.
3. Don't use sex as a weapon of war but, instead, use it as an instrument of peace. Men, I want you to comment and confirm this for the ladies, because some of them will not believe this. I have had disagreements with my wife (now ex) which did not result in two days of the silent treatment, but just caused some hurt feelings. Then we went to bed and made love. My hurt feelings almost completely disappeared. Making love dissipated the tension and anger that I felt and I went to sleep with my arms around her, telling her that I loved her.
Women, if you take a man into your bed and make love with him, it shows him that your love for him is stronger than anything that can arise in the course of an argument. Someone will post something about hormones and serotonin or something, I'm sure. Whatever the explanation is . . . it works. It will end many - not all, but many - disagreements.
Ladies, you will respond that you can't make love with him if you are angry. I call BS. Women have had sex with men for many reasons that did not involve feeling overwhelmed with love at that moment in time. You CAN make love with your partner; it is a choice that you can make. If you do it, if you start making love and you are getting aroused, you will find your harsh feelings dissipating, also.
Remember: the fact that you had an argument doesn't mean that you have stopped loving your partner. So love your partner. Show him your love in a physical way. If it doesn't make sense, try it at least once.
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Remember, there are things more important than being right, or claiming to be right. If you have ever been through a divorce, you understand. If you have never been through a divorce, learn something from OlderAndWiser: I'm not older and wiser than everyone else, I'm just older and wiser than I was years ago. I made many stupid mistakes including being too proud to admit when I was wrong. You won't always have a second chance to make things right in a relationship. So, don't be stupid like I was.
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