Why you should stop trying to police people's dating lives, and why "racism" in dating is not really racism

[rijestelut]

I've recently read a myTake on why some people who don't want to date outside of their race could be racist. And while the author of that take tried her best to present an objective point of view, and I applaud her for that, and while I agree that some of those people are racist indeed, there were a few users in the comments who stated that everyone who doesn't want to date other races is racist by default. That tipped me off a little, so I decided to write a take from another point of view using my own experience as an example, to show how ridiculous this assumption is, and demonstrate why any attempt to police others' dating life is ridiculous.

1. Why you should stop trying to enforce your views on others: a preference is a preference.

... and that's all there is to it. If someone is not attracted to a certain type of people - whether it differentiates by body type, skin colour, background, personality, anything - then they're not attracted to it, and there's nothing you can do about it. Even if the society could somehow force one to date people they don't like in order to not seem like someone who discriminates, nothing good would come out of it. If there's no attraction, there's no chemistry, and the relationships are most likely doomed from the beginning. But just because someone doesn't want to date a certain race doesn't mean they're racist by default. It may just be their preference; it's OK to have a preference.

Let's take me, for example. I'm white, but not a "Western" white; I'm Slavic, and I grew up in Eastern Europe (which explains my wonky English). I haven't seen any other races than white in real life until I turned 19, because that's when I travelled to the US, so I'm only attracted to the type I've grown up around, meaning somewhat tall, fair-skinned, and somewhat muscular. You may see "fair-skinned" and think "oh, just another racist white person who only likes other white people", but for me it isn't tied up to white race, I just like fair skin, if someone is white and tanned, that's a turn off for me. If I saw an Asian guy who fits the description above, would I be attracted to him and be open to date him if our personalities matched? Absolutely, since I consider Asians fair-skinned as well, and that makes them my type. If I met a light-skinned Latino guy on the same conditions, would I be interested? Of course. I just have never seen any guys who would match my type completely among other races (despite living in a very multicultural city now), except white men. Even when it comes to white men, I mostly date only other Slavic people, not even Westerners, since I can relate to other Slavic people better than to Europeans, Americans, or islanders like Australians, but that's beside the point.

This example above was not me trying to justify myself, but rather an example of what may be going on in the mind of an average person who is attracted only to their race. Hopefully everybody got what I meant, so we could move on to my next point, which is...

2. In the age of enforced political correctness, some people like to twist everything to the extreme.

Don't get me wrong, it's completely fine to want to live in a just and equal society, and put effort towards it. What is not fine is to dramatise every single issue, and try to present it as something it's not.

Alright, so according to some users on here, dating only people of your own race makes you racist... But what about people who only date other races? What about a white man who only dates Asian girls? What about a middle-eastern woman who only wants to date black guys? What about a black girl who is only attracted to Latino men? Are such people racist as well? If they're only dating one race, does it mean they hate all others, including their own?

Or let's take it in the opposite direction. You don't date outside of your race, so you must secretly hate all other races, meaning you're racist, right?

And if you don't date disabled people, surely that means you must secretly hate all disabled people as well?

What if you don't date overweight people? Does it mean you're fat-phobic and secretly hate them too?

How about not dating people much younger or older than yourself? You must be ageist, clearly you hate everyone who doesn't fit into the same age group as you.

See how easy it is to take it to the extreme, and how ridiculous such assumptions look? That's why everyone needs to realise that although sometimes there is racism involved indeed, most of the time a preference is just a preference, and just because someone dates only a certain group of people doesn't mean they hate all other groups. They may simply not be attracted to them, which absolutely doesn't mean that they think of those groups as inferior.

The conclusion for this whole thing is: if someone wants to date inside their race, let them. If someone wants to date outside of it, let them. Leave other people alone, their dating life is none of your business, and by clumping everyone into a big group and labelling them you don't "expose" them, as you may thing, you simply show your own ignorance and narrow-mindedness, and nothing else.

Thank you for your attention.

[Anonymous]

I agree. Who a person wants to date is their decision, and everyone else needs to stay out of it. Unfortunately it is popular to try and prove how non racist you are, by accusing everyone else of being racist. This promotes your own status and image within the community as a better person than most others. This is typically why white people are the first ones to call another white person racist. By doing so they hope can convince others how much more civilized they are than the person they are talking about.

Political correctness is all about destroying the reputation of anyone that disagrees with you as oppose to being based on any sense of morality. People are tired of this game, and are starting to see them for being the liars that they are.

Race has no meaning besides how that person looks. If you don't like a certain look, then you won't be attracted to that race. It is just a preference, and people need to stop pretending like they are more holy than thou for having a different preference.

[Stacyzee]

You are referring to my take.
I am glad you did not fail to see the message of it.
I agree with your take , you did a good job explaining to those who think preferences equal automatic racism , that isn't necessarily the case.

I openly stated that having a preference does not make someone racist , only when there is hate , negative stigmas and superiority attached to that so called "preference" , does that by definition make them racist.

Some people failed to see the line that was drawn , between racism and preference.
My words were twisted and bent by some people.
Others were able to see exactly what separated "preferences" from actual racism and enjoyed my take.

I applaud those who were able to take from my article and see exactly what I was saying.

<3

[Stacyzee]

Unfortunately this is never an easy subject to tackle because there will always be controversial views.

[HikerDude]

Thanks so much for writing this. I know of the mytake you referenced, and it was difficult to read, given that the author levied so many sweeping and accusatory claims against those who didn't agree with her. She essentially called anyone who's not attracted to black girls racist, which to me is a highly unethical and low tactic.

The fact is, we still have the freedom of association in this country. That means that blacks are still free to date only blacks, whites are free to date only whites, and so on and so forth. It's fascist to try to dictate to others to whom they should be attracted. The last bastion of a free society is the bedroom. Our neighbors need to stay the fuck out of our bedrooms and leave each to his own.

[TayTay21]

It's okay when black girls want to date only black guys, but it's not okay when white guys won't date black girls. Most black girls have such huge egos that they think everyone should want them, and it angers them that white guys don't.

[HikerDude]

@TayTay21 Yep. Just another double standard that seems to only target white people and what we do. Black people apparently aren't capable of being racist, at least if you ask them.

[LoveLikeRockets]

I agree with you, I am prepared to date outside of my race, but I respect those who do not wish to do so for their own reasons. I find people who automatically brand people racist for not dating outside of their race to be idiots.

If I like a woman and she says, sorry I don't date white guys I am not going to brand her a racist or a self-hater, I respect everyone's right to date whoever they like and people have a problem with who another person or people date then they are very sad people who really need to get a life.

[CuriousCody]

I get what you mean, but I also don't get it.

If I see a curvy woman, I give two fucks what her ethnicity is.

Even then my preference is based around how well we click, her personality and if I find her attractive.

You have a specific preference for fair skin. Cool that's your thing. Don't really make sense to me, but I wouldn't want you to do date someone you're not attracted to just to avoid criticism.

My preferences are not very specific look wise, I just have to find her attractive and and in any ethnicity I look, I always find ample attractive women. But that's me. I don't expect everyone to be like me.

[bloodmountain1990]

Nope, there's preferences and that's all there is to it. For instance, I'm not really attracted to most black women. There are few exceptions but I generally like more mixed women than 100% black. Do I have issues with black women? No, that's just how I'm wired. I even know a half black girl who isn't into black guys and an Indian girl not into Indian guys.

One thing that was really awkward was when I got a message on POF from a girl who happened to be black and wasn't attractive and her opening message was would you date a black girl? I just didn't respond.

[Enaya]

Exoticizing and fantasizing is a real thing. Love is different. If you like someone because of the idea of them, that's racism. If you love the person as an individual and see yourself loving them under any other face, that's love. So racism in dating really IS racism.

[zagor]

So if you don't date ugly people because you discriminate by appearance, you're?

[Enaya]

@zagor shallow

[QuestionMan]

Thanks for writing this I felt like I had to explain to the girl that just because I only like White, Asian, Latina and Arab ladies doesn't mean that I'm racist. Heck I'm more open minded than most. I know White guys that only go for White girls and Asian girls that only go for Asian or White guys. Doesn't make them racist, it's just what they like.

[loofah]

doesn't that only leave out black women?

[QuestionMan]

@loofah So what's the problem?

[loofah]

nothing, it just sounded like a funny roundabout way to say you werent into black girls

[QuestionMan]

@loofah I only like pale skinned girls and this is more specific.

[loofah]

its all good

[TayTay21]

I laugh when I see these posts, like the author really believes that he or she can really tell others whom we should date. I think most them are posted by butthurt black women who are mad that guys aren't falling all over themselves to get them. It's all ego-driven, because centered people don't really care who others are dating. If you have a good life, why would you care about someone else's life? I hate that black people now think that the answer to everything is racism. It's not.

[Stacyzee]

You entirely missed the point.
No one is telling anyone who to date.
The author of this take is simply letting people know that a preference does not make you racist.
I even stated the same thing in my take.
What's really so hard to comprehend here?

[TayTay21]

@Stacyzee Why do you care who anyone dates? Why write some diatribe accusing people of racism just because they're not attracted to someone? It's really ridiculous, and you know what, I don't see anyone accusing black women of racism for preferring to date black men. Word to the wise: stay out of other people's love lives, seriously.

[Stacyzee]

Again, here you go with the caring about who someone dates.
You still keep missing the point although its in front of your face.
It's not about CARING... it's about NOTICING.
There's a difference.
I can NOTICE people are talking loud, but not care about it.
The take owner is simply stating an observation.
It's called "myTake" for a reason.
I think people forgot the sole concept of these postings.
It was put here by GAG so people can share their view points on all aspects of life.
What's the point of reading something called "myTake" then telling someone not to feel that way?
It's THEIR take.
Telling someone to silence themselves is defeating the whole purpose of reading myTakes entirely.
She's entitled to her view points.
No one is saying preference makes you racist.
The hate attached to those preferences DOES.

[TayTay21]

@Stacyzee Yeah, you're not entitled to label people racist just for who they date, you're just not. Where I come from, that's called libel, and defamation of character.

[Stacyzee]

Why do you keep saying that?

If someone is shouting out I don't date blacks because they are monkeys , criminals or niggers isn't it clear to see they are racist?
Totally different than someone who has a preference that's simply unattracted to another race.
There is a differentiation.
That's all that's being said

[TayTay21]

@Stacyzee "If someone is shouting out I don't date blacks because they are monkeys , criminals or niggers isn't it clear to see they are racist?"

You're really loopy about this. When and where did anyone on GAG write anything so over the top? You're just making up stuff to try to get a rise out of people and paint yourself as the victim.

[Stacyzee]

Huh? I've been in the same relationship for ten years so how could I be playing a victim?

I don't live inside of a bubble and I've seen and observed these things.

I think the problem is you make excuses for others and choose to remain in denial because all is bright on your side of the fence.

Racism exists , that is a fact.
all preferences don't equal racism , only hatred towards other groups do

I used an extreme example because clearly you're still not getting it. Too difficult to comprehend for you.

[Stacyzee]

You're a lost case. There's no point in speaking with you anymore or explaining things logically.
You're completely oblivious!

[TayTay21]

@Stacyzee I feel very sorry for black people like you, being that you choose to live life as a perpetual victim.

[Stacyzee]

Your words have no substance or value.
You choose to ignore every thing I have said and stick by your dogmatic , ignorant and stupid way of thinking.
I feel sorry for you because clearly you are brain damaged , not much can soak in.
This has all been proven by your poor argument which has no basis because it's a huge generalization.
"If anyone thinks people are racist they are black and pulling the victim card. I refuse to see any other side because this is the only explanation"
Sounds like your brain is made out of squash.

[TayTay21]

@Stacyzee You make yourself look more desperate and mentally unhinged with every post.

[Stacyzee]

Nice. You're unoriginal with your insults as well.
Have a great day !

[TayTay21]

@Stacyzee It's not an insult, just the truth. You need help.

[Stacyzee]

By the poor argument you have dished out , I take everything you say with a grain of salt. You're worthless!
I will again close this argument. You can proceed by yourself because clearly you have no life.

[CHARismatic110]

Wow, I think this may be the first time I block someone without actual interaction with them. Your racism is just blatant.

[TayTay21]

@CHARismatic110 So someone posted something you don't like and you're reflexively calling it "racism"? Shocker...

[ThehappySnail]

People have self-entitlement issues and simply cannot handle rejection. I am rejected for being white, too short, too skinny and whatever else and I just accept if for what it is. I don't like very light or very dark skin (I have very light skin), I prefer a brown complexion and this angers certain very light skinned and very dark skinned women but I don't care, I'll date who I want and I answer to nobody.

[Anonymous]

Great take, this is a much need dose of reality for the racial thought police who troll this site.

It makes me sick to see all these egotistical black women trying to police guys' attraction. If a guy or group of guys doesn't want to date you, so what? No one has to like you or give you a chance. If so, then why don't most black girls give white guys a chance? Somehow, that's just their prerogative, and no one bothers them about it. But if white guys generally don't like black girls, it's an infamia, and the world must stop until it's rectified. It's a total double-standard that needs to be called out for what it is, bullshit.

[Anonymous]

Racism , prejudice or simply you own preference what does it matter, no one owe his og her love to everybody. Love is a gift, not a tax that can be collected based on political willpower.

I have my preferences, although not based on race as such then blue eyes kinda limits the races, although I have seen a African American girl with beautiful blue eyes - really hot. But even a bright blue eyed girl, won't take my face if she is too fat, have tattoos or look like a pinhead.

So it's more than simply racism or prejudice. Preference is influence by culture and experience, but there is more to it than simply that.

[the_rake]

I personally don't care if people have racial preferences - as long as they're dating in their league. If there's one thing I can't stand hypergamy, I just focus on female hypergamy in my takes because polygyny seems to be the natural trend before women settle down. But yeah, only wanting to date white girls for example does not make you a racist.

[BraidsGirl]

Like whatever you want idc but I just don't see why someone would exclude themselves from a whole race of people... It just seems a bit closed-minded to me. Why limit yourself from something you may not have even tried? Your just limiting your own opportunities...
But to each their own I guess.

[VIsQveen]

Idrc but it is racist cause you're only denying someone a chance on their look/skin and preconceived notions relating to their ethnic.

[Aeliuz]

You as a person is not some kind of merchandise that must be available to everyone else equally. And not being attracted to someone of a specific skin colour does not make someone a racist.

[QuestionMan]

If the skin is seen as unattractive than there would be no erection and no sex. It would be wrong to force a man into having sex with a woman he doesn't find attractive just because she's Black or some other minority.

[zagor]

That is ridiculous Vis. So if you don't date me because I'm 4-10 and hunchbacked, you are prejudging me on my appearance and your preconceived notions...

[HikerDude]

Who told you that you *deserve* a chance. No guy owes you anything.

[VIsQveen]

Idrc means I don't really care. Plus if your 4"10 with a hunchback I'm not denying you cause you're white or whatever. I'm denying you because you're 4"10 with a hunchback. At no point did I acknowledge your race. I don't deserve a chance to date everyone and vice versa. Why are people so scared to admit to being slightly racist? I'm sure we're all 5% racist anyway. Then again idrc

[TayTay21]

No one deserves a "chance" regardless of their skin color. Affirmative action doesn't apply to dating.

[aficionado]

Writing off people of an entire race, whether it's for dating or anything else, is racism. Period.

[zagor]

So if you don't date other men, I guess you're sexist. Period.

[aficionado]

@zagor

That's a pretty lame analogy, but I'll let you dwell in it for now. Enjoy! :P

[zagor]

How is it lame? If someone won't date a certain race because they have stereotypical ideas about them you could say if it racist. If they just aren't attracted by a certain appearance, then no.

[aficionado]

I don't think it is possible to not be attracted to EVERY person of a particular race. I mean... won't there be at least ONE person who is attractive in that race?

If someone has actually seen EVERY person of a particular race, and then concluded that they aren't attracted, THEN I agree that it isn't racist. But when someone sees a handful of people of a particular race, are not attracted to them, and hence rule out EVERY person of that race as updateable, it's obviously racism.

[zagor]

Well, I hate to be "racist" and if anyone is of that descent don't take it personally, but I have never seen a (original) native Australian I found attractive. Ever.

[dartmaul15]

@aficionado depends. If it's because of their race, then it kinda is. Example; "i don't date Asians becausee they're asian".

But if it's because of a physical attribute you don't like, that happen to exclude a race, then it's not. For example if you don't like curly hair, or colored skin, or black hair or whatever the hell. It's just honest admitting of the fact that certin features simply doesn't appeal to you.

And really, what does it change to bitch about this? The person in question won't change his or her opinion, because someone's calling them racist for doing so.

[aficionado]

@dartmaul15

Ok then, lets consider what you said. Suppose someone doesn't like curly hair, dark skin or black hair., What if someone who originally possessed these traits changed then? For example, curly hair being straightened, skin being bleached to become lighter, hair being coloured a different colour etc. Would these people still be discarded by those who don't prefer to date them due to their race?

[dartmaul15]

@aficionado personally, i'd say no. Because it's fake, and bleached hair will turn black again. and so on. Also, personally for me, fakeness is one of my biggest turnoffs. But if you're tolerating that, then yes.

And to pull my example further. We both know that haair color detail has a tendency to rule ut people from western asia. So if you had that preference, it'd still mean you'd give her a chance if she did not carry the traits, but were from the same ethnicity.

Or to put it in a different way; i'd still date American chicks even if i'm not into the blonde bimbo stereotype. Because while the stereotype may involve a sognificant portion of americans, it doesn't involve everyone. And i'm still considering the others to be potential.

[abundantlyrich]

Hmm I couldn't be bothered to read your take further. It's too just jumbo.

I know who the other person you are referring to, she didn't say people could be racist for just having a preference.

You gone way off the line about her take.

[abundantlyrich]

And I do know white euros do feel uncomfortable and annoyed being around non whites in public and then making stupid comments in their native languages how ugly they are. so don't act like you speak for the whole population and that they are never racist

[TayTay21]

Typical butthurt black girl lol

[9mfeo]

I think that it's important to examine your preferences and determine why you have them. Is it just a preference or is there some underlying stereotype that you have internalized?

[loofah]

Preference in races can technically be considered racism but I'd say it's a benign form that's not a big deal. People should go for what they're into.

[Darkone1]

Finally someone answers the wired question usually put on me,
Thanks girl a valid point, well stated.

[Entity]

Using the word "preference" instead of "bias" or "discrimination" is nothing more than semantics.

[Anonymous]

I agree with this but I feel like this was written to make some people feel better about themselves, like "Oh, I'm not racist." like they needed to confirm with themselves.