So last night my best friend rang me up totally freaking out about her boyfriend, he was apparently acting distant, not messaging her much and she felt like she was loosing him. I can bet any money on it now that most girls would have gone through this, experienced everything she is feeling now and I know I can, but it got me thinking back to my past relationships and it brought back a ton of unwanted memories, however it did also bring back the fact I was a fucking fool, a fool in love, a fool who put up with shit I didn’t deserve and because of all my feelings for this guy I dropped my standards and tolerated something I shouldn’t have, all because I was afraid to loose him.
Now that I’ve gotten over my first relationship and first heart break I have become a lot wiser and know what I deserve and what not to settle for, but there’s still so many people around me who do not know that key to maintaining a healthy relationship, whether it be my best friend of nearly 21 years who has been in her relationship for about 9 months or my mother who is 37 and has been with the love of her life for 24 years, difference is my mum tolerated my fathers behaviour longer then she should have, now she’s learning how to deal with the loss.
So I’m here to speak about everything I learned in the time of my sort of relationship (I will explain this further on) because in all honesty it wasn’t a great one, it wasn’t happy and 80% of the time we were arguing and somehow it managed to last a year and a half of my life. I don’t regret it at all, maybe if you had asked me this a year ago I would have told you differently I may have even sobbed about how much I hated him and how I wish I never met him – that he was the worst mistake I had ever made (I actually told him this in an argument in the end). No, now I’m grateful for what happened and some people maybe asking me if I’m crazy, that I’m grateful the first guy I loved broke my heart. It sounds strange putting it like that, but you see I learned a lot and I mean a LOT!
He was my friend at the time, he was older as all they guys I liked was, seven years older to be precise. I was 18 at the time and had always steered cleared off falling for a guy, it just wasn’t what I wanted; I actually didn’t want to get hurt, from seeing my mum and dads relationship fail time and time again I didn’t want to become this weak, pathetic person that was used as an emotional punching bag …. But I became just that. There was attraction between us and one drunk night we hooked up, it wasn’t what I planned but I guess fate has a way.
From then on out we began a sort of friends with benefits relationship, thing is after time our feelings began to get in the way and I began to like him. I remember the day as if it was yesterday when I texted him telling him I was beginning to like him, he had shown signs he was beginning to feel that way too even saying to me one night that he was annoyed that I wasn’t older so we could become something serious (looking back now I realise what a shitty excuse that was, I was old enough to be hooking up with him in secret but not to be with me in public?) anyways, I was beginning to get caught up in my feelings.
He told me that he didn’t think we should carry things on, I felt my heart sink just a little maybe I had read his signals wrong and I was imagining things like the way he would hold me or look at me. I dismissed it, he didn’t want anything more and I wasn’t too far gone with my feelings that I could shrug it off and enjoy the rest of my night with the family and then I remember seeing some of his tweets about how he was stupid and that his fear of change was ruining his life. The sudden hope of him having feelings for me too came back, you see three years previously the love of his life cheated on him and I knew it affected him in such a bad way … so from then on I began using this to defend him for the stupid shit he did.
He messaged me a few days later trying to make things back to the way they were, he missed me and I missed him and we fell back into our normal routine except our feelings got stronger for each other. I had sacrificed what I wanted (a relationship with him) and settled for something less then I deserve, this was the first mistake I made and obviously through out our sort of relationship this mistake kept on resurfacing. From the way he treated to me (which wasn’t the best) to the way he made me feel as a person, as his supposed to be partner, sure I voiced my opinions on this still trying to stand up for myself and what I deserve which just brought on the arguments which would become a regular occurrence. The thing was I began settling for less then I deserved and that’s rule number one of a healthy relationship, if you feel like you should be being treated better no matter what gender you are then you most probably do, some people will tell you your being over-dramatic but people have different levels of standards and what they will put up with.
Don’t get me wrong I’m not saying the guy/girl has to be perfect. You see after my relationship I now know that I want a guy who sees me as his equal, who’s not scared to show me off to the world and most of all listens to my concerns and problems without judging or making me feel guilty. So if you ever feel like your settling for less then you deserve get up and leave, that’s right I said it. I don’t care if they’re the love of your life or not, because in all honesty they’re not the one for you. You wouldn’t have to lower your standards otherwise or be treated any less then you deserve, so stop accepting and tolerating shitty behaviour because your scared of loosing someone, trust me you will get over them and thank yourself for letting it go any further instead of being torn down piece by piece that you loose your self worth. Don’t be a punching bag, you deserve better – trust me.
But lowering my standards for the guy I thought I loved wasn’t the beginning of things you see, why I stuck up for myself he always made me feel bad and turn it around on me saying this is why we couldn’t get into a relationship because we we’re arguing and every time I stood up for myself he would end things – and he knew I was scared to loose him. He began manipulating me, making sure I didn’t say anything when I felt like he treated me like crap all because he knew I was afraid of loosing him. He would always come running back a week after and I ever the idiot took him back every single time, there was a few occasions when I ended it myself finally getting a moment of clarity that I deserved sooooo much better then his crap, but the missing him drove me back and so we continued this on/off catastrophic relationship that was slowly killing me.
During our arguments hurtful words were thrown and I began to loose my self worth and confidence, I no longer loved myself because he made me out to be a bitch and that I was always moaning and nagging. I soon became a doormat and it gave him the right to walk all over me. And most of all he made me feel like he was ashamed to be with me, and I think that was what really knocked my confidence over the edge, whenever we tried to make plans to go out he would always leave me with empty promises and I slowly begin to feel like he didn’t want to be seen with me. One night he invited me to a friend’s house party and instead of talking to me he texted me, he left me with a load of strangers and to defend for myself, he never introduced me to his other friends and only when one of them made a slight comment did he introduce me – just by my name.
At this time, I was just glad he had invited me to a friends party, instead I didn’t pay attention to the most important details ever, not only was he ashamed to be seen talking to me, he also left me by myself, not bothering to see if I was okay or if I was alright, I think his best mate checked up on me instead. Not just that but his friend had to be asked for a introduction, and really that says it all. So if you ever feel like the person your with is ever ashamed off you or puts your confidence down then run as fast as you fucking can because it will literally destroy you, you begin to think that you need him! That you should be blessed your with him because he’s kicked your confidence down so much; you feel worthless and you begin to wonder why he’s even with you.
I started to become closed off, insecurities beginning to get the better off me. What if he found someone better? What if he was seeing someone else? We weren’t official so it didn’t mean it couldn’t happen. We began arguing about this and every time I was told it was none of my business what he did – as bam I wasn’t his girlfriend. Of course this was never the answer I wanted and the guilt was passed a long to me and my insecurities grew. I know your all saying why didn’t you leave your fool? And trust me I shout at myself now still but my feelings had grown, but he had also made my confidence so low that I thought if I left I would be nothing – he made me think he was the best thing I had and without him I was nothing.
But as it continued he began to manipulate me without me even knowing it at the time, but he would make comments like oh I don’t like …. Or I hate when …. Clearly aiming it at things I did or said. Towards the end my current friend had just finished with her boyfriend and with mine on the tether of breaking we went clubbing most weekends letting our hair down and enjoying our life’s I was slowly getting my confidence back, but he clearly didn’t like me clubbing or getting drunk and voiced it.
At the end of our relationship he had grown very attached to me and I know deep down in a weird way he did care about me, I wasn’t the best in the whole thing either but in the end he destroyed me. I remember opening up to him one night when things were going okay and told him what I was scared about, that I was scared he would leave, that he would leave for another girl and that I was scared he would use me. Towards the end he left me, I knew it was different this time we argued for hours and hours and he was final with his decision he knew I deserved better then him and what we had was shit, he even said it to me he was beginning to care a lot for me and hated that he couldn’t bring me happiness from all the things we went through in the past.
A few weeks later he messaged me telling me he missed me in a weird way and wondered if we could talk, at this point I had slowly came to terms with everything. I told him we’d talk and that was it, he got drunk and rang me up telling me to come over and I did reluctantly. He told me he was just scared of getting hurt again and that I was the first girl in a very long time he actually liked and he was just scared. I the fool accepted this due to his past relationship and accepted him back then he went cold again and he was blunt. I would ask if everything was okay and he would snap. I think I remember asking him if he was sure that I was what he wanted and he said he didn’t know. Right then I should have left him, indecision is a decision. I didn’t obviously and he broke up with me once again. He ended up torturing me for about a moth of this wanting me back – no I don’t game in which time he used me.
Towards the end he ended up meeting someone and began rubbing it in my face, he had completely done everything I told him I was worried about. I remember breaking down in front of my mum that day, I knew it was over for good this time. We went no contact for three months before he messaged and apologised to me. We’re now civilized but without it all I wouldn’t be who I am today.
Sure before the arguments in the end things began to become good for a few months, he was trying saying cute things but I just think he knew I wasn’t the one and all his past actions stopped us from becoming anything more. The damage was already done; we weren’t right for each other. He’s now in a relationship and he’s very happy and I’m happy for him myself.
I never thought the day would come I would be able to write or even talk about any of this without even wanting to cry or feel a pain in my heart or my stomach clench. And I’m not doing it to tell the tale of my terrible relationship but to help other people know that putting up with any of that is not worth it, take my wisdom and learn from me. My friend has currently invested all her happiness into her boyfriend and it’s the worst thing anyone could do. I’ve compiled a list of things I feel everybody should apply to themselves, to be able to protect themselves and they’re hearts until meeting the one – because why you may feel like the guy you currently love is the one you maybe further from the truth then you ever knew.
1) Don’t invest all your happiness into your partner or anyone for that matter! People aren’t permanent, people leave and go whether that be a choice or not. You are the only person responsible for your happiness, make sure you invest your time into doing something you love! It could be your job, a hobby or keeping fit. These things have less of a chance of making you disappointed.
2) Learn to love yourself. Stop looking for people’s validation of yourself, not everyone is going to like you, your style or what you represent or do. Just as some people like some food and others don’t, everyone has their own preference and you may not be it. So what the hell with it! Learn to be confident in everything you do and stop comparing yourself to others! You are you for a reason, learn to love everything you do to the way you look! Be comfortable and know that the only opinion of yourself that matters is your own, sure people can have their opinions but it doesn’t mean they should be your opinions too. Someone may not like the way you dress, does that mean you should change to make them happy? You don’t live to please other people so stop trying! The only person you have to please is yourself! Be selfish!
3) Don’t loose your self worth! So this kind of links in with loving yourself but it’s important enough to have it’s own paragraph. You don’t like the way someone’s treating you? Say something and don’t feel bad for saying so, stick up for your passions and beliefs and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Don’t compromise or tolerate something less then you deserve because that’s the moment your telling people it’s okay to treat me like shit because I will accept it to save an argument or be named a moan or any other names. You don’t need that sort of negativity.
These are my three main things I want people to know, mainly the younger girls as I feel girls have so much pressure on them these days that were supposed to just roll over and let guys treat us how we want and not be able to say anything about it without negative words as complain, moan or nag thrown at us. We are not human punch bags. A lot of people talk about domestic abuse, but what about emotional abuse? I hope this shed some light and bring back the strong independent woman that we are raised to be. Don’t take the shit – find the flower waiting for you instead.
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A lot to take in but very good.
I like your advice, thanks for sharing!
Great advise