The Art of Saying "No:" How Simply Being Honest is Actually Less Painful

[JohnDoe3000]

This myTake delves into the age-old question of why people are being wishy-washy, flaky, etc... instead of just saying it like it is. Although this myTake is mostly directed at the girls out there it does apply to some guys as well and isn't just about girl-guy interactions.

Most of us have been there, whether you're a guy who got flaked on by a girl you liked or you're a girl who was lied to her face by one of your friends. It could even be a colleague at work who won't tell you when a project is failing.

Maybe you suddenly stop hearing from her, maybe she agreed to hang out and then cancels with some bullsh*t excuse and never offers up an alternative, maybe she tells you she'll get back to you later and never does, maybe she suddenly starts avoiding you like the plague, maybe she won't tell you your boss isn't happy with your performance when you ask her about it... whatever it is it means she just doesn't have the guts to say no.

Why would she do this? Why would she choose potentially unending awkwardness over a frank and brief conversation?

I think the most common reason is a mixture of fear of confrontation and most of all this pervasive belief that feelings will get hurt less if she stays vague, that the truth hurts to much.

Of course she's wrong: you're not an idiot and you will know when you're being lied to or getting ignored. Your feelings actually get hurt a lot more because there is no closure and you're being treated as something to be avoided, not a respected equal, not an adult human being. You're actually more likely to start hating her and the chances of you two ever getting back on speaking terms diminishes with each day the drama drags on. No, the world isn't riddled with stalkers and axe-murderers who will go after a girl who speaks her mind, and even in the rare cases where a person is like that she's actually more likely to push their buttons by being flaky or ignoring them.

So here's my advice to the flakes and the wishy-washers. Snap out of it! Most people are not idiots or delicate flowers and you're only hindering your own relationships, personal growth and professional opportunities if you keep refusing to speak your mind when you really ought to. Really, you'll see people will actually respond better to you and respect you more. That awkward situation you were so afraid of can actually be handled in the space of 30 minutes instead of becoming a self-inflicted drag on your life. Notice how I used the term "girl" throughout this myTake instead of "woman"? That's because learning to say no is a sign of maturity: that female Fortune 500 executive or presidential candidate you look up to, she wouldn't have that job if she didn't know when to say "no"...

[Anonymous]

I definitely agree that it's better to just say no from the start if you're not interested. But unfortunately, that's not always easy. You say the world isn't filed with axe murderers, but women HAVE been murdered for saying no. And of course those few crazy guys don't represent every male in the world, but girls do have to be careful. If I'm on a first date with a guy, and at the end of the date he tries to kiss me or asks for a second date, if I tell him right then that actually I'm not interested in pursuing it further, then he can attack me right then. But if I'm flaky about it, and then go home and stop talking to him, I have more protection. You're right, that might make the crazy more angry, but he doesn't know where I live. I can block his number if it gets to that point. I have more protection when I'm away from him. Again, not every male is crazy like that, but it does happen, and so isn't it better for me to protect myself? If I hand you a bowl of candy and say one of the candies is poisoned, are you going to take the risk of eating one?

And even if we ignore all the guys who attack and kill and rape women - there are still many guys who harrass women in non-violent ways when they try to say no. Men's Fitness (magazine) recently published an article on "How to turn a No into a Yes." Many women can tell you a story of when they were at a bar or talking to a guy online or whatever and although the women are upfront and say they're not interested right from the start (which is what you Take wants women to do), these guys still push the issue and still keep talking to the girl. These men don't listen when a woman says No. They don't take No for an answer. So what am I supposed to do then? Keep saying no? Just saying No isn't working.

TLDR: I agree with you that it is better to just say No or that you're not interested, but unfortunately there are men out there who make it difficult for women to say no. These men ruin it for the rest of you. Once men have better reactions to hearing "No," then maybe more women will feel comfortable saying "no."

[JohnDoe3000]

Thank you for your well thought-out response. I agree with the poisoned candy analogy, but those cases would be really extreme I'd imagine, especially if it's someone you've known for a while, I mean can't you screen them? I'm not saying you can't send a text message saying "sorry, I'm not feeling it" after a date if you're afraid the guy would strangle you if you told him in person, but why ignore him altogether or send some BS excuse message? And in the case of "persistent" guys, don't you think they're actually more persistent if you don't clearly tell them no (and even if that's not the case, can't you start with the excuses and/or ignoring after at least trying to clearly say no once)?

[Opinion Owner]

Good questions! I think when it comes to someone you've known for a while, it's not so much about being afraid of the guy's reaction and more just not wanting to hurt his feelings/not knowing how to reject him. Although it would probably be less painful if she just let him down right away, I think girls in those situations just don't want to have to do that to someone they've known for a while.
For the persistent guys, yes usually it does start with a no and then turns to ignoring, and then in a way it becomes a "learned behavior," as in once a girl meets a number of guys that ignore her "no," that girl learns that it's not even worth it to try saying "no" and to just do the excuses/ignoring.
*Disclaimer: These are just my thoughts after personal experiences with guys, hearing stories from female friends, and putting myself in the mind of someone who doesn't just say no to a guy. Obviously not everyone reacts/thinks in the ways I described, but they are some reasons for the behavior.

[Opinion Owner]

^and also, aside from all those gendered reasons that I listed above, it seems that "ghosting" (slowly responding less and then just ignoring the person) is more prevalent in today's dating culture. Many male AND female friends have told me that they've been "ghosted" by someone. So I think that comes into play too. I think it has to do with online dating: a guy meets a girl on tinder, starts to talk to her, maybe they go on one date, maybe they just get in the habit of texting every night, and then for whatever reason he decides he doesn't want to pursue her any further. What does he do? Break up with her? But they were never dating, so how could he break up with her? Does he send a text saying "Hey I don't want to talk to you anymore"? That seems pretty rude, even if he truly doesn't want to talk to her anymore. But if he just slowly stops responding, she'll probably get the hint and start talking to a new boy on tinder.

[Anonymous]

More women need to read this and apply it. Usually this not wanting to hurt his feelings is a lie made by women as they lie about almost everything to hide their true reasoning.

The purpose of not giving an outright no is to leave the door slightly open in case this man become a catch to her (i. e. rich/successful) later in life, she become desperate or even just to use him for attention if she is bored of her own life and needs someone to shower her with praise and talk to her.

[LaBoheme099]

Yes ! I used to be that way. I couldn't say no and I'd always come up with excuses or something, and finally I realized that wasn't me being nice, but me being cowardly and dishonest. So, I changed. Now, I tell guys how it is in a direct but nice way. That is being kinder for them so I don't waste their time or fill them with false hope, and I know it is how I would want to be treated in return.

[phil2]

It's not easy to say no because we are afraid of being the bad guy, the ones that hurt others feelings because we don't like our feelings hurt but it is the right thing to do.

[Alex88F]

one must raise his/her standards. when someone is not showing respect, WALK AWAY and never look back
"NO i dont like it. Fuck it, bye" < that's the mindset.

why waste time on someone who doesnt' take you seriously? fuck it

[Anonymous]

I would rather have girl tell me to fuck off than nothing at all and remember ladies if it's online you can always just block/unmatch the guy it ain't that hard

[goodmood]

I told a girl no once, and she got really sad and started to cry.

[SlightlyCrazy]

This needed to be said

[Anonymous]

I agree