Girls, you know what I'm talking about, right?
When your boyfriend - or guy you have a crush on - says something that you think is straightforward but really, if you start to think about it, it's anything but. It's ridiculous that guys always accuse girls of speaking in code when guys do the exact same thing. The only difference is I'm not even sure they realize they're doing it. Maybe they think there isn't any "code" and that we see through it all, anyway.
Well, if you weren't given the Girl/Guy Guidebook, let me give you the abridged version:
"I only look, I never touch."
Translation: "I spend half my goddamn day ogling other women."
Guys who say they "look but never touch" are likely the biggest flirts that ever walked the earth. They're saying it so they have license to look...no, not look. Leer. Ogle. And the girl isn't allowed to call them on it because all he has to do is look all innocent and go, "baby, I told you I never touch!" As if that makes everything okay. Hey, a guy can draw my eye, too, and I totally get it if a girl grabs my guy's attention. But we all know what you really mean, my horny friend.
"I really don't care that much about sex."
Translation: "You suck in bed."
This is a hard pill to swallow but trust me ladies, you'll be better off just accepting it. When a guy starts talking about how sex doesn't matter much, that it's "not a big part of his life," that he's not "obsessed," you might want to ask yourself: Doesn't it sound suspiciously like consolation? That's because it is. He's saying the sex just isn't doing it for him and FYI, you either have to step up your game or he's going to start shopping around. Maybe he already has.
"I like you but I don't like you."
Translation: "We will never, ever be naked together."
The good news is that guys stop trying this after a certain age (I think). The bad news is I keep hearing younger girls complaining about this all the time. I guess guys are starting to let girls down easily by saying something like this, though it unfortunately strings girls along. See, when a man says this, the first thought in a woman's mind is: "Oh, so at least he likes me a little; I can convince him to go the rest of the way." Sorry girlfriend, but no, you can't.
"You're suffocating me!"
Translation: "I don't want to hear you talk for the rest of the day."
Guys are big on using terms like "suffocating" and "obsessing," always ready to accuse girls of blathering on and on and asking stupid questions like, "what are you thinking?" But men have overused the hell out of such accusations so no, it just sounds like you don't want to talk...ever. I've had a guy tell me to stop suffocating him when I asked how his day was over the phone. Literally like seven words and he was ready to hang up, and I hadn't spoken to him all day. WTF.
"I'm just not in a good position right now for a relationship."
Translation: "I just prefer my 'position' was closer to someone else."
Granted, a guy might say this and really mean it. But usually not. This load of bullcrap is often reserved for guys who like to play the "it's not you, it's me" card, or the "I have to focus on myself" ploy. Yeah, and you see them two days later trolling the same online dating site where you two met, right? I wonder how many times the same guy can use the "I'm just in a good position for a relationship" argument in the same year...like ten times, maybe?
There. That should help my fellow girls out a little. ;)