Relationships

The Admission of a Loner who hopes he Dies Alone

The Admission of a Loner who hopes he Dies Alone

2 am periods of introspection always strips one bare.

My conclusion is I am a sincerely selfish being with the premise being how reluctant I am in giving myself.

A true loner, but never being true to my reality by not burdening others with dealing with the real me.
Largely doing so, but on a whim relenting on this life creed to entrap others in my perverse web.

In a sense, I am a Sociopath with how I invite people in when I switch on the charm with my natural charisma. I can light up a room like few others, but it is Shakespearean in its subconscious ruse as if I am that virtual 'player on Life's stage.'

The worst aspect is the litany of destruction in the wake of my glaring flaw. Always holding a bit back, never blatantly but always subconscious. Making it all it all the worse through its colluding nature that always culminates in crash and burn, never for I, always for others.

In a sense, it is the worst form of passive/aggressive.

Life long friendships wrecked as if they had no meaning at all. A raft of kindred souls that would walk over hot coals for me but I dropped like they were bad habits.

A wife that saved me from myself as a destructive teen that was a bees dick away from the pen. Redeeming me and making me into a man. Professionally I excelled due to the support network she embodied. A mother to my three kids, in complete awe of her as a wife and mother- a real heroine of mine. She knew this and for the majority of our marriage sincerely felt it leaving her aglow with the attention she so craved. The killer punchline were the times of retreat into me alienating her and fracturing our connection.

Always wanting me to fully give myself to her culminating in her ending the marriage when I could never do this. Devastating us both for we loved each other but love was never quite enough.

Communicating often to try to work through this, even turning to therapy.

Even after the split, we sought out the 'why'?

Hoping we could finally find this prompted by the torment of being apart to allow us to live out the 'till death do us part' that we both so craved.

Primary in this was losing my parents young, my mother to Cancer shy of my 14th birthday and my dad who drank himself to death three years later. Betraying the needs of his kids who so needed their father to deal with the devastation but all he could see was his grief.

He essentially died with her, in the process imprinting on my soul that I could only fully rely on me. I could relate to this as an excuse for never feeling at ease to fully give for it only leads to people leaving you but never accepting it as the valid reason why. It is easy to try to find blame for the way you are, but you have control over this especially in respect to others. You always create your reality and while it is easy to avoid responsibility by shuffling and dealing out the 'victim cards.' the bottom line is it ends with you.

Honestly, I am a complete fuck up when it comes to any relationship with others.

The Admission of a Loner who hopes he Dies Alone
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