Aloneness: Within without

[Anonymous]

There is a certain unidentifiable feelings I feel. I do not know if it is common, or if it is unique, or if I should care but I do know that I feel it and that it is the shade of my life. I call this feeling "Aloneness", a strange state of being involved entirely in recognition of one's separation from others without identifiable cause. It is incurable. It is intrinsic. It is "Me". It is horrible.

There are no delusions and no delirium to treat and yet no one sees the world the way I see it. I see things that "aren't there" in a sense, the links between concepts, the world within the center, and the beauty of how things work and I hate it. I have always. It was loneliness, at first, the desire to be one with others and for years while I listened to my peers talk about being unique and special and whatnot I realized that not a one understood what it meant to be different, unique, outcast, unwanted, and ostracized based on things far beyond normal comprehension. Everyone once in a while, in all species, you get that anamoly; after many years I have finally accepted my place as that anamoly.

It is not a good thing. I am not a savior. I am not the next step in evolution. I am not even a great man or destined for potential greatness but instead I am simply different and see the world differently than everyone else. Furthermore there are none like me, and I am not referring to that silly and vague "uniquiness" utilizing the small nicities that make an individual but instead a genuine chasm between myself and others that cannot be crossed in any form of fashion.

I had so many names for it, "The Fringe", "The Abyss", "The Nightmare", "The Sea", but no matter what I called it there was no rest and it was never properly named; it was and is almost as though there's a barrier far beyond even my own comprehension between myself and others and it isn't tangible in the sense that it creates some inherent obvious problem. Unlike others who "feel this way" and have problems socializing I've no such thing, I am not psychopathic or schizophrenic, I do not lack any emotions and feel them in normal ranges, and I have no particular mental illnesses or social illnesses but instead this ... state.

I would give anything to be "Normal". Anything at all. People talk about tripping on drugs and thinking for a short amount of time in a way that is partially equivalent; they find themselves in awe writhing about high on god knows what and that's just everyday for me, to integrate, to subvert, and to process data in a way that is far beyond normal speed.

There's a cool trick I used to do when I was young where I would explain something to someone wrong on purpose and then literally learn it on the spot when they told me the answer to the point where I could deduce more than they could and it sounded like I was joking that I never knew. I can still do this. I can still produce and procure information at lightning speed. I am still the top of my class. I am still sought after as a tool. I am, for 19 of 27 years, a living "Encyclopedia" to those about me.

And to what end?

Aloneness is a strange thing because it forced me into a corner where I exist and don't know what else to do but exist and exist beyond the frivolous nature of things. I do not Need like my fellow man. I do not Want like him either. It is easy for me to give things up no matter how far I've gone because it is all immaterial to me. People say "Find something to cling to!" and I cannot, for what is worth it and worthy of my time and attention? Hobbies are mastered too quickly and lose their shine. People are almost always the same falling within a distinct spectrum that they at times cannot see. The problems are easily solved. The Truth is easily had and faced.

So what do I do? What does a living tool of mankind do? Some people seek love, some adoration, some appreciation, and so forth but what good are those things? They are worthless. They blow away like the wind and while life may become easier they don't make life better. As a matter of fact nothing really makes like "better"; my goals are all simple in relation to living in society, earning enough money to not care about money anymore, living a peaceful life and following empty outdated poorly constructed rules just to get by, and helping those whom I can for no good reason even though they could, and would, have succeeded without me.

I have no purpose. There is no driving mechanism. This is not how humans survive, let alone thrive, and to my knowledge I have lost more than enough of what makes me human to time itself and yet I am so young, but I feel so old, and when people laugh and tell me to relax and enjoy my life they do not realize that there is nothing left to enjoy. All the games have obvious answers because what are they but puzzles? All the people speak the same dialogue and it's a matter of empty formality or some non-exclusive fear. All the activities are nothing more than repetition incarnate; mastery is just doing the same thing over and over again.

Aloneness makes you always drunk but always sober. Your ethics don't coincide with others because you are knoweldgeable of ethics and their concepts of right and wrong are very different and their outlooks on what matters and what doesn't are also different, and the very core of what makes a human curious is lost. Aloneness is almost a heightened sense of Boredom married to a feeling of distinct Differentiation.

One need not be alone to suffer Aloneness but at the same time not many people will have the opportunity to understand what Aloneness is. It's not loneliness. It's not fear. It's not self-destructive. It's not all-consuming. It doesn't cause depression or anxiety or hatred and really has the effect of simply seeing things differently in a way that is both terrifying and beautiful but without the drugs and enhancements and in a manner that is constant.

Aloneness isn't even intellect really, because plenty of genii pass through who don't experience it, and it's not giftedness, and it's not anything that could be reconciled through simply being rare and spread apart. No. No it's something else, always on the tip of my tongue, but never quite ever named.

So a word of warning:

Be careful what you wish for. Being unique, different, and special is not equivalent to simply being part of a smaller demographic. Embrace your similarities and normalcy because life without them is a special circle of hell.