What I Learned From My Younger-Older Relationship

[KaseyRouqe]

Some of you may have seen a question I put months ago. It was regarding how to save my relationship. To start off, I need to tell you that my relationship ended with a broken engagement and two broken hearts. I met my ex fiancé when he gave a lecture at the college I went to. I asked him questions after the lecture and fell into a nice conversation. I asked if he had some source material for my finals paper that I had to write for another class. As you guessed things took a turn and we started a romantic relationship. The age gap is of 25 years and we understood that our relationship was going to raise some eyebrows. Two months after graduation and eight since he I started dating, he proposed and it didn't take long for us to move together.

It didn't take long till comments from other people after the engagement to get to him. His mood began to change and he was far less affectionate in public due to embarrassment. Please keep in mind that in no way do I hold him 100% responsible for the break up, but I felt that I had a big burden and we weren't carrying equal loads. I tried talking to him, showing more affection at home, making his favorite meals, but whenever we went out together his mood would get worse. Things changed to the point that if it wasn't for work, he wouldn't want me to leave the house by myself or with him, not even to the gym. I told him it was best to cancel any wedding plans and the engagement until I felt our relationship was strong again. After our efforts things still crumpled.

All in all what I learned from my experience is that age isn't just a number, don't ignore the issues that may come with being in a relationship with a big age gap. Sometimes I still wonder what I could have done to save my old relationship, but the truth is you can't save it alone. Speaking as the younger partner, I know that there are insecurities being the older one, but don't look down on our insecurities as well. He was scared that I might find someone my age, that he couldn't satisfy me sexually, or that people saw him as manipulative. But insecurities come both ways and he didn't realize I had mine. I felt that I might've bored him with my inexperience in life, that maybe he'd find someone more interesting and had more in common with, that I might be too immature to be emotionally supportive of his issues. The thing is that some people may succeed in these types of relationships, but we all need to evaluate if the love outweighs the problems before making a commitment.

[Vyxzuw]

This can be applied to any situation where one party feels that society doesn't approve of their choice in partner.

Ironically, it seems it was the older partner that wasn't the mature one here.
He took it upon himself to deal with how the world judges his choice in partner, rather than working with you to take on the world together.

This is why communication is important, and realizing that relationships are two-way and that it requires both parts to survive.

He chose not to have you deal with it, and thus couldn't deal with it.
I think age gap relationships can tend to do that, as the older party can think that the younger party isn't mature enough to deal with the issues.
However, if the younger party isn't ready to deal with the issues, then how could the relationship work anyways?

This can also be applied to interracial, intercultural, inter-league (one party is 'out of the league' of the other) and other types.
If one side feels that the other wouldn't understand the problem, and chooses to try to deal with it themselves, the relationship will fail.

Either both are equal partners, or they are not at it falls apart.

[LittleSally]

Exactly what I've been telling people!
I've never had this bug of an age gap - not even close to be honest... but it doesn't take a genius to figure out there are going to be major problems and more often than not one or both parties will be incredibly dissatisfied with each other, because as much as they try - they don't understand each other well enough...

Good MyTake. I really enjoyed reading it.
Useful life experience.

[Logorithim]

This is a good post and it's something we can all learn from. It should be pointed out that chronological age differences can often deviate from a person's biological age or their level of maturity. I think we get pickier as we get older because we have a greater sense of our own identity and what we want in a partner. In addition, if a couple has a lot in common, e. g., if both are musicians or linguists, it can help overcome a big age difference. At the end of the day, it's all about the individuals involved.

[OlderAndWiser]

Right. Age is a number but it is not an insignificant number. The problem is not the ages but how well people match up on interests, maturity, and goals, and how they will deal with the public scrutiny and raised eyebrows that come with an age gap relationship. The larger the age gap, the more likely these issues will become insurmountable unless there are unusual circumstances (like being High Hefner!) :)

[Djaaay]

Or me , and I'm no hugh Hefner.

[MermaidMotel]

So many bumps in the road here. Why are people so quick to get engaged? 8 months of dating is NOT an adequate time frame to get engaged. Based on the divorce rates in the U. S.. I'm definetely onto something here. Those insecurities, embarassments and hesitations the two of you had should have already been discussed and dealt with in the beginning of the relationship... not after the two of you got engaged. So, you two obviously had some communication problems in the relationship.

The fact that you relationship virtually fell apart after a few comments and judgements were made, shows that your relationship did not have a good and strong foundation to begin with. For most engaged couples.. it's going to take a lot more than a few words for them to question their relationship, or to be ashamed of their love.

I do believe that two of you did love each other, however if you loved each other enough, you wouldn't care about things like race, color, gender, age, or creed. I think you guys fell in love with the IDEA of being in love and spending your lives together.. moreso than actually being truly in love with each other.

That's just my take on the whole thing. You did write a good mytake though! Good luck with love in the future..!

[KaseyRouqe]

Thanks for your reply, it's very insightful. It's true that we moved in too fast. All this happening within almost two years speaks volumes on how unhealthy it was to not talk about what was bothering us. I think I was so wound up in figuring out what were his insecurities, that I neglected to deal with my own. Though I tried getting him to talk, maybe telling him about my insecurities would have made it easier for him to open up about his.

[MermaidMotel]

I personally think it would have. However, it seems this relationship seemed to be a good learning experience for you and I don't think you would make the same mistakes twice. I hope that older guy learned a few things as well!

[KaseyRouqe]

I sure hope so too. I do want his happiness after our experience.

[AynonOMouse]

Regardless of an age gap, if one partner is embarrassed to be seen with the other in public, there will be a problem.
I would only hold hands or hug in public no matter her age because I don't like doing more with others around and I don't like seeing others do more than that either.
I would date a young girl and be fine with people knowing it. I don't care if some people wouldn't like it. I don't like most people IRL anyways.

You are right that lack of life experience on the young person's part could be a concern. The older person needs to take the time to explain things sometimes. As long as the younger one has logical reasoning and emotional maturity it could work, but only if the older partner takes the time to explain things and doesn't let other people's opinions affect their relationship.

[Shutupman]

Engaged and moved in after only 8 months is a risk on its own. Unless for certain reasons, that is not enough time to figure each other out completely. Regardless of that massive age gap, I would have more issues with it going so fast.

If the respective couple would have been together for a couple of years before all that, it would prove to people that it's real and not some dysfunctional short lived thing.

But I agree with the downsides and insecurities that come with it. Though good communication helps to ease those insecurities or so I feel.

[lovelyhoneybones]

I get what you're trying to say, but what happened here, him being insecure was his fault. Those were his actions, not the action of every older person and a younger-older relationship. Of course everything comes with a down side. Your situation happened to be one of the bad ones. I'm deeply sorry for what happened.

[ATuairiscean]

Very enjoyable take and your story of the breakdown of your relationship fuel my wariness of age gap relationships - I was in one with someone 10 years younger than me and the feeling that we were in two different mindsets a lot of the time I felt contributed a fair bit to breakup. Can age gap relationships work, yes some do but do I think they are likely to be more difficult at times to similar age relationships, yes unfortunately I do definitely.

[Anonymous]

My ex and I were six years apart. Kind of hated how he overestimated my maturity but we were still so happy and in-lovr together. We broke up for reasons that do not involve our age, but yeah. We were hid together. I think I actually prefer older guys after the experiences I had with him.

My ex before that was of my same age and same grade, but because girls are generally more mature than boys, our relationship sucked. I'll never date another same age guy. Maybe once I'm in my 20's then it would be appropriate to date another adult guy younger than me, but not for now.

In the end, as long as you nail the relationship, no one has the right to judge you. I'm so sorry to know that your relationship ended this way.

[didigo182]

Here in Brazil it's very common 35yo guys with 17yo girls. Specially if the guy take care of himself (Gym, etc).

But depends the person too.

Im 36yo and my last relationship was a 20yo woman. Curiously the best part was sex (perfect). All the rest was not good she was very immature, insecure, jealous, fought over anything, had depression.

And i helped... i support, did everything possible, but it seemed like it was not enough. With 1 year of relationship I put an end to the relationship.

[FlorandFauna]

sorry to hear that. but in the beginning you liked her for more than just the sex?

[didigo182]

@FlorandFauna Of course, I loved her very much, In the beguining we were very happy.

I did everything to succeed. She had depressive crises at dawn and I would support her, etc. Despite in Sex we deal with very well, was not enought to maintain the relationship (This proves that sex in a relationship is not everything).

[FlorandFauna]

awh <3 i hope you found someone else now...

[didigo182]

@FlorandFauna Thank you very much, you too! ;)

[Dio1982]

Great introspective post. Cudos to you for being introspective and not blaming the man for everything and anything.

And yes, there is a reason why I set myself a lower limit of max 10 years for women.

[Vmm90]

Very good read, age is just a number but people will always have their comments and it can be ignoring what people think, if you love each other what other people have to say shouldn't matter, it's not their relationship.

[reptocarl]

Good post and thank you. I'm presently engaged to a 30 yo and I too have had the same insecurities as him. The difference is I really truly don't care what others think. I'm sorry it didn't work out for you though

[Djaaay]

I'm going to tell you what both of you did wrong in you're relationship together. Both of you listened to others instead of listening to each other. What seemed as insecurities , developed because others opinions we're greater in you're ears than listening to each other instead. Sadly , this is what consumed what might have been so sacred for both of you. For love has no boundaries.

[FlorandFauna]

i had the same problem. i was with a 30 yo and a friend, who's 26, said he was using me. i started to worry although it was quite clear that this guy, my guy, liked me for who i was.

[Djaaay]

@FlorandFauna. Listening to your s/o instead of others is crucial. Only two people at a time can love emotionally together. Never mind everyone's opinion, especially because they don't know either way about you two intimately. They judge who they percieve and think you are. My wife is 19 and very mature for her age. Most all the responsibility falls on me. I'm alright with that. I want children soon in the future and I'm more than financially fit to afford such a family. The children are already pre-paid for and what not. I realize I'll pass someday as she will be widowed , financially taken care of for her and the children. As she'll most likely live on with a new life after me , I'm ok with that. At least I was able to briefly father some kids and my legend moves on as well. The thing here is , all of this presented to her was my call , only asking her to accept. When I was 18 , I was with a woman of 46 for 12 years before she passed as well. Now it's my turn

[FlorandFauna]

Really? This gives me hope. Are you really 56 and did you really date a 46 yo when you were 18?

[Djaaay]

@FlorandFauna. Yes , and yes, that's me and my wife in my profile. Furthermore , she's also on gag , even tho we're right here next to each other.( Mimij98) is my wife. I hope well for you , and yes it can work out just fine. The 46 yr old , Wasn't an actress , but was very close friends with (Doris Day , Betty White And Clint Eastood) who all three are still yet alive. We all lived in the Pebble Beach Ca. area. So yes , anything is possible belive me.

[FlorandFauna]

wouw haha. amazing!!

[Djaaay]

@FlorandFauna. Thanks , if you would like to talk with her about any thing , she'll come on in a few

[MimiJ98]

Hi FlorandFauna. I am Djaaay's wife. Ask me anything about our relationship. I would like to share my experience with you.

[FlorandFauna]

@MimiJ98 Wow nice to meet you! I would love to listen to your story!

[MimiJ98]

@FlorandFauna I met my husband Djaaay on GaG last July when I saw he posted on my comment PM me. So I did and he asked me what my goals were in life, that really intrigued me. Then when I told him how I wanted to be a business women and a realtor, I was really shocked so I kept talking to him despite what my mom said about being in a relationship with an older man (40+), to her it was taboo and a huge no no. But that didn't stop me because I liked older men due to there maturity and they know what they want and they go get it. I like that about my husband. He was straight up with me and told me before I met him in person and lived with him that he wanted a wife and kids, we all would be set for life financially when he passed. I remember flying to go live with him, and being nervous because I didn't know much about him except what he told me but I took a leap of faith. I thought since he cared enough to buy me a plane ticket... con't

[MimiJ98]

All of my friends told me that he might be a killer or rapist but I didn't listen to them but instead I went on my own feelings about how I liked his personality and how mature he was. When I first met him in person at the airport, he smiled and give me hug, I felt so happy to see him for the first time. As I started to live with him, he was exactly who he said he was on GAG. This give me that confidence and reassurance to go forward. I am really happy with my husband, I am glad that he reached out to me and that I married him despite societal opposition (my family and friends).

[Mikhania]

Great take! Thankyou for sharing! I hope the best for you x

[TerrierSaurus_rex]

"I tried talking to him, showing more affection at home, making his favorite meals"

You talk like someone who acts like his mother. You were what, 20? Do a few shots. Watch some Nikki Glazier and suck a cock.

[KaseyRouqe]

Lol cock sucking counts as "affection" to him. I wanted to show him that I was attracted to him and really wanted him.

[akanetuk]

True, life is all about learning and applying those lessons in your next relationship.

[Anonymous]

I've had a similar problem with age gap and the toll it can take on a relationship. Sadly my experience was similar, in that we are no longer together. Interesting to hear another persons perspective, especially as it was a far more committed relationship than my own.

[Astoriana]

Wow. That's a huge age gap.

I'm sorry that it worked out so poorly, though I can't say I'm surprised. A broken engagement is never fun, as I know from experience.

[Anon-ymous1]

Very interesting. Thanks for writing/sharing. I'm sorry people outside of your relationship were rude to you both.

[CoffeeGirl456]

I used to had a gab 10 years from older, he can made me feel love but not forever because of some his habit.