How Should a Man Deal With a Violent Girlfriend/Wife?

[gobsmacked3]

On arriving back in the UK from Australia, I caught up with a lifelong friend.

We grew up together and met in a gym in Belfast through our interest in Boxing in our early teens.

He picked me up from Heathrow and allowed me to stay at his nearby house in Maidenhead. Before I embarked on the last part of my journey to take up residence in a house I own in Porthcawl, South Wales.

On Saturday night, we were afforded a boys night in after his wife and kids went to visit the in-laws. At which point, we left the cork out of the bottle of Jameson. It led to us talking about our respective marriages.

He told me of the violent side of his wife. How she would just lose it and go into uncontrollable rages against him. The admission caught me off guard but didn’t fully shock me. The sad reality of violence is it is universal in both men and women.

The challenging aspect for both of us is the moral connotations attached. We were both raised to know any type of violence against women is wrong.

There is an honour bound seal in this. A male from our upbringing and generation would never retaliate against a woman being violent towards us in any circumstance. We would never report her for the slight to our honour also dominates this aspect. If we did, the general consensus would be that no one would take us seriously. If they did they would raise an eyebrow over our manhood.

The only option is to suffer in silence.

Which is wrong for the silence condones and almost facilitates it. This approach made worse for it is an unspoken and underappreciated issue in society. I could raise statistics to highlight its prevalence but they would only tell half-truths. Due to only representing reported cases which is so pertinent to an issue where so many stay silent.

It becomes murkier by the fact that most cases occur behind closed doors. Where a woman has a veil in public life perpetuated by her looks, petite frame and plausibility that has all under her spell. All these aspects are easily dispensed in private where her anger issues come to the fore.

The issue is a minefield on many levels which makes finding an adequate way to deal with it as nigh on impossible.

The predominant theme in the current Generations is in favour of condoning, justifying and even supporting retaliating to a woman’s violence. Particularly amongst young boys. The viewpoint usually supported by some trending You-Tube video (bogus) involving a woman going gonzo in a violent manner against a man which sets all the forums ablaze with hysteria. When you add in some wanky labels it gets the pulses of all racing. The young boys bear their chests in a macho manner and beat, exclaiming;

‘How they would take down the ‘bitch’ by popping her in the mouth and giving her a few more blows to make her know her ‘place’.”

The bravado rules fantasy but has little credibility in real life.

This is real life using the situation of my friend.

He is a colossus of a man (6’6 and strongly built at around 17 Stone). By comparison, his wife is 5’3 and barely 7 Stone. If he was to retaliate against her violence, what do you think the end result would be?

Taking into consideration, he is much bigger and stronger than her. The fact that the woman would not expect him to retaliate also plays a pivotal role. In an exchange of violence, expectation plays a part in the associated carnage or lessening it. If you are expecting to be hit you brace for the blow but if you do not it greatly impacts it. Not only in the initial blow but the aftermath in how you fall. A person hitting their head after unexpectedly falling often leads to life-threatening situations.

If he gave her a dismissive backhander to get her off her, or to ‘put her in her place’, how do you think this would end?

If not well, how do you think a court of Law would view this?

Excuse him for she hit him first or throw him under the bus?

In answering this, keep in mind any self-defence is rendered null and void due to ‘excessive force’. Any savvy lawyer could make a strong case for this in these circumstances.

If you support violence, what is your reasoning?

if you discount violence, what are your suggestions?

The easy one is to leave her. Which is the logical one but it precludes the fact that he loves her.

This dictates finding a solution by working through the issue together. A point made more pressing seeing they have four children.

The consensus we arrived at was diffusing her during her violent rages by fending and restraining her rather than just taking it from her or being violent towards her.

As he has her restrained the desire is to calm her. To bring her to a neutral state where the issue can be discussed at which point open and honest communication needs to be expressed. The key point in this is the lack of respect she is showing towards him. As well as their family network. Every parent knows that kids see and take in everything. The presence of violence in any home skews the development of any child which leads to difficulties as they grow into adults.

This puts the emphasis fully on her as both a wife and a mother.

The culmination if it cannot be addressed between the two spouses in private. The only option is to turn to counselling where all the skeletons in her closet come out.

PS- I would appreciate the thoughts of some women (@Curiousbynature31) in regards to the role hormones could play in this. My friend's wife is 51 and I suspect menopause might be a factor?

This violence by her has only been a recent thing in the last year or so.

[Levin]

Violence is a non-issue beyond defending yourself in the heat of the moment, from genuine self defense situations.

It's his responsibility to nip this in the bud as soon as it happens by either ending the relationship, or giving an ultimatum which is carried through if she ever tries such a stunt.

Both parties have to take responsibility. He, for how he allows himself to be treated, his self respect.

Her for her destructive and damaging behaviour, and the trauma and lasting impact she's had on her and her kids. He's perpetuated the behaviour by allowing it to go on. But the reasons behind these are complicated and often require counselling to bring to the surface.

There are two parties in any abuse situation. It may sound heartless, but I'd say the same for any woman who was allowing herself to be beaten. There are complex psychological reasons, again, relating to self esteem, for that kind of situation.

[gobsmacked3]

Sadly, a very complex issue on many levels. one that has no easy remedy and impacts on the lives of many

thanks for a very plausible reply :)

[Anonymous]

Involve the authorities, get out of there with any kids, and document everything in a private e-mail account so you can show a court a pattern of violence. Get restraining orders if you need to. She will need to show serious personal work and change for you to be safe together again. File for divorce and custody if it comes to that.

I know men struggle to be taken seriously in these cases. Women still struggle too because there are men around who still think violence is ok, and that women need to be physically punished and disciplined. That's something I have almost never heard a woman say. When a woman thinks she's got a right to get violent, she's often had a lot of people in her life disrespect her and be violent to her, and she's warped, mentally. I don't find this incredibly common among women I know though.

[gobsmacked3]

The intent is to work it out as he loves her. I think it might be a hormonal issue due to maybe menopause.

[Opinion Owner]

I hear you, but keeping yourself and children safe from harm is priority.

[gobsmacked3]

the children are safe

[N192K001]

That's why I find this "Never hit a woman" thing irrational. It is only conducive to unwise conduct that could incur unnecessary suffering. All assault and battery is still assault and battery, regardless of the attacker's gender.

Men and women should learn martial arts. All this consideration for controlling guns/weapons… In the countries that developed their own martial arts, the fists traditionally ARE the weapons, as are feet, knees, elbows, etc. Once both sides realize that their fist to the Adam's apple can KILL another human being, that 1 forceful sidekick to the spine can permanently another living, breathing person for life, then both sides (if they have any sense of morality or humanity in them) will not be to eager to employ physical force.

Too many think that physical force is a legitimate expression of anger. Martial arts is basically the art of homicide. Make them tie the two together by learning what they can truly do to another person and both sides should better learn to exercise self-restraint and (should another fail to do so) defend themselves while respecting the other's right to life.

[N192K001]

Correction: "…can permanently paralyze another…"

[gobsmacked3]

Would you agree that you have a responsibility in using violence?

If so, would you use violence against a much weaker being than you?

Considering you could do major damage.

In no way am i excusing her behaviour. It is appalling. But you need to play the hand you are dealt to not only look after you but also your loved ones

[N192K001]

That is what I like about martial arts vs. a gun.

With martial arts, it's not binary, like 1 irrevocable pull of the trigger. Each move has to be deliberate.
What is the objective (to simply intimidate & thus halt further attacks, to disarm the attacker armed with a pan/knife/etc, to trip the attacker to knock sense back into an overly-emotional attacker & halt further attacks)?
What's the target (the wrist to disarm, back of the knee to lightly but suddenly trip, the face for a tiger-palm maneuver to force the attacker to the ground & demoralize against any further attacks)?
How much force should be used (more force since is the attacker still riled-up, less since the attacker's hesitance is growing, less since the target is a vulnerable pressure point, less force since the attacker is smaller, more since the attacker is also trained in martial arts)?
How many moves are needed? (You can gauge by the scenario at hand in real time.)

That said, RESPONSIBLE use of force is a must.

[gobsmacked3]

Your last point is key;

Responsible force.

I assume by your stance on guns that you are from the States?

The Martial arts thery has merit but against any woman most men would be confident of fending them off or restraining them

At least i think so. You might disagree.

In short, it is a fucked up situation with no easy answer

[N192K001]

Will, that is partially true. This Filipino-American is in the U. S., but is from the Philippines, which has is strict with gun regulations.

I would agree that trained men should generally be able to defend themselves quite adequately from attacking women. But, women can also balance the scales by choosing martial arts that address their needs. Judo, Hapkido, Systema, Krav Maga, Philippine marital arts (name is disputed to be Escrima, Arnis, Kali, Pananandata, etc.), Muay Thai, Muay Boran (Muay Thai's unfiltered, utterly brutal ancestor), etc. can easily render to nothing men's greater strength and size.

So that said, in a martial arts world, mutual respect, patience, and consideration is a must. After all (in civilian clothes), you almost never know the other's capabilities and you never want to it find out the hard way.

[MrMysteryMan]

Maybe it's time for him to leave the relationship or at least take a break from her. Nothing wrong with getting up and just leaving. I'm sorry that there are kids present, and I don't even know if that's even good to leave because of that fact, but to me, you have to shock her out of it or show her in some way that it isn't wanted and hurts him deeply. She is so focused in her rages that she probably doesn't even understand what she'd doing. This reminds me of a situation they portrayed on Coronation Street, where it was the same scenario practically. Eventually he had to tell someone and I'm pretty sure your friend either has to go against all he believes in, with being manly and look at what it overall is doing to the family and himself (and her for that matter), and tell someone he trusts about it (yourself is one and maybe someone more of an authority figure), or just leave with the kids, and deal with the courts about this fact. Things will come out in the end. Even if she's the woman, violence of any sort is starting to become non-tolerated in the courts. So, she'll have that to contend with if the violence comes up. It will also be backed by his kids as well.

But something has to be done to put a cap on her lack of control or it will destroy his family for sure.

[gobsmacked3]

If he does this it deprives him of seeing his kids 24/7. This is a killer. also he still loves and is in love with her.

It is so tough for he is in a no-win situation. Where he needs to cling to hope and hope is the domicile of the damned :(

Thanks so much for your great reply :)

[MrMysteryMan]

Yeah that's a bullshit situation there. I'd feel handcuffed as well. But something has to give. Maybe he might have to sacrifice for the better of the kids?

[gobsmacked3]

He already has sacrificed by copping the abuse for her and his family. Which is so wrong on so many levels. the bottom line is he needs to put it on her. Which he says he will by imploring her to address the issue for the sake of their marriage and their kids. If not the only option is counselling.

The other side of walking ( even if there is every justification) is the effect on the kids. This is never a reason to stay together but all parents take bullets gladly for their kids. His 4 children are b/n 9-18.

How do you think a marriage split will effect them?

[MrMysteryMan]

The oldest, 18, possibly not so much since that's an adult for all intensive purposes. But the younger ones might be affected. However, I believe watching the abuse affects them way worse than if they separated. In fact I would think that his kids would support him if they separated seeing all the shit he's been putting up with. I'm pretty sure she'd look like more of a monster than he would. As well, wouldn't be more healthy (if that really makes sense in this case) to see him leave her, and abuser, than them seeing him being abused by the one person they never thought in a million years would abuse, their mother? I think it does more damage for a child to see their mother abusing or filled with rage than their father, since mother is all about safety and comfort and care supposedly. She's showing them NONE of that. That's going to fuck with their heads so hard if not already. Something has to be done and it's going to be ugly.

[Curiousbynature31]

His only option at this point is one I had to make with my ex husband. I had to pick myself and leave. If he retaliated he would be the one to pay for it. If he hasn’t gone to the hospital hurt by her and has proof he is SOL. I had been hit, emotionally abused, my life and my sons threatened. But because I had never called the police or gone to the hospital I had no case. Even a picture I had from when he slapped me was inadmissible because I could have done it to myself. My advice for your friend, pack up your Shi’a day leave before she destroys everything he is as a person. Abuse has a way of making you lose who you are and all respect and love for oneself.

[gobsmacked3]

i know abuse well, but this is a recent thing. do you think menopause plays a role in her behaviour?

[Curiousbynature31]

No, it is not an excuse and menopause causes emotional changes but not violence

[gobsmacked3]

oh ok :(

[Curiousbynature31]

I’m sorry to have been the bearer of bad news. It’s like saying if you have alcohol and you are violent it is excusable.

[hellionthesagereborn]

Their are only two options, either hit back with minimal force until she realizes that violence will be met with violence (not the best solution) or leave. The fact is the law will not side with your friend, its practically unheard of, and he will more then likely lose access to his children as courts favor the mother, especially with how many interest groups will side and support her, so his options are pretty limited, all he can do is hit her back and hope that works instead of her just calling the cops on him and him getting arrested (which is far more likely to happen then her magically learning her lesson), divorce which as I said will be damaging him and his children, or suffer in silence.

[gobsmacked3]

the other option is to restrain her and try to work through the issue, the bottom line is it is a fucked up situation with no win/win available for him

[hellionthesagereborn]

But what will restraint do? That's not a punishment, he is not threatening to leave her if she continues to be abusive so what incentive does she have to not be abusive? Clearly the fact that its wrong or that she is hurting her husband is not an issue to her because otherwise she wouldn't be doing it. So restraining her maybe stops him from being hit but it doesn't stop her intent, it does not stop her desire to harm him. Getting help may do something but that hinges on her wanting to change, if their is no incentive for her to do so, she won't because clearly she doesn't see a problem with being abusive. So unless he gives her an ultimatum and is willing to stand by it I don't see that as working. Not that I don't hope it works, I do, I just don't think it will unless he does something that really puts her in a position she doesn't want to be in.

[gobsmacked3]

By restraining her she is in a situation she doesn't want to be in. one where she is made to deal with the issue through communication and it being put on the line.

It is the only option in my view. seeing leaving is not an option. And violence is just asking for trouble

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry but he just is enabling her violence by not putting a stop to it as he so easily could, and in the process he has lost any respect she may have had for him. When she gets violent with him he needs to respond quickly and aggressive and give her strong and convincing motivation to never attack him again. Period.

OP - the ONLY reason women still feel comfortable physically attacking a man twice their size is because of the outdated mindset of men, which gives those women a sense of confidence that there will be no retaliation. THAT MUST END, and there is only one way to end it.

Women need to know that if they physically assault a man, there's a very good chance he will beat the shit out of her. That is the ONLY way this will stop, and we men owe it to ourselves and our fellow men to do the right thing here. It's not bravado; it's common sense.

[gobsmacked3]

and if you choose 'to beat the shit out of her' and she is badly hurt. which leads to police being involved. what is your next move?

Also, already conceded he is facilitating her appalling behaviour

[Opinion Owner]

I didn't suggest your friend beat the shit out of her and badly hurt her; I said women in general need to know there is a real chance of that. Today they do not, and we men are partly to blame for that. We need need to end it, and we have it in our power to do so.

But clearly your friend needs to stop facilitating her appalling behavior, and the only way he can do that is to use intimidation and physical force in a way that will deter her from behaving that way again.

[gobsmacked3]

I think communication and empathy is better than intimidation but there might be merit in your suggestion

[Opinion Owner]

I think communication and empathy should be the first line of defense in a relationship, but it sounds like your friend is well beyond that. Society in general is well beyond it.

[JudasMan]

I really lve the typical "Leave her it's easy" shit. There's a family here, feelings and all those shits together make it hard as fuck. As women, men doesn't have that much easy solution to get out of that. Violence is the least one to come to, it must be recognised by the person who's wrong and confront her for that, she must admit it and come to realization that she needs help. That her family needs help...

[gobsmacked3]

they need to work through it together for too much is at stake

[JudasMan]

There's no need, we need to stop seeing family as an indestructible bound. If they don't love anymore, or think they dont belong with each other, or he thinks it's too much, he has every right to make it stop. I'm not saying it's easy, at all, but well if it has to end on divorce, it's better than anybody getting hurt.
Do you really think children live happier and grow better with loving parents separately or in a house of fear and violence?

[gobsmacked3]

here is the catch, he does love her, deeply

[JudasMan]

Ofc he does, but he loves his children too right? Gotta find the more important things in your life, and the one that deserve these kind of efforts he is going through for long enough already... That's not my saying tho, everyone does as he wants to

[coralee]

More violence is not the anwser in this situation. If he accidentally hurts her he's screwed in court. I'd advise him to contact a support group for male victims of domestic violence. They would have more knowledge on the apporiate steps to take. Leaving an abuser is never easy, I wish your friend all the best.

[gobsmacked3]

It is a true minefield with no easy answers

[coralee]

Exactly and abusers are master manipulators. If he gives her any amo she's guranteed to use it against him. I can't even fanthom what the right decision in this case would be. It's easy to say just leave her from the outside looking in, but it's far more complicated when your inside.

[gobsmacked3]

They have been together nearly 30 years including 27 years of marriage with 4 kids. i do not think manipulation is involved in this. Whereas it is consistent in most cases of abuse.

The other aspect is the immense respect he has for her. A great wife and mother to his 4 kids. that is not something you give up without exhausting all options

[hellionthesagereborn]

Their are next to none, men who call hotlines for domestic violence get transferred to hotlines dealing with males as aggressors. Society does not see men as victims. That's why in the US for instance out of nearly 2000 domestic violence shelters only one is for men. In Canada the one and only domestic violence shelter for men closed down after lobbiest blocked funding for it. I don't thin their is even one in the UK. So that's not really an option at the moment. his best bet would be to leave his wife but that has a whole lot of other issues like losing access to his children and such.

[coralee]

@hellionthesagereborn There are no shelters in Canada but there are resources for men availiable: calgarycounselling.com/.../, www.humanservices.alberta.ca/.../...-by-women.pdf, www.Canada.ca/.../stop-family-violence.html
I don't know about other countries though. My knowledge only pertains to Canada.

[hellionthesagereborn]

The first link says page not found. The second one is family but as I said when men call those hotlines they are usually redirected (obviously I can't say for sure for this one because I have not tried it but in general this is what almost every man I have heard of being in this situation has said).

[coralee]

@hellionthesagereborn The first link works fine for me and it is specifically for male domestic abuse victims:https://calgarycounselling. com/counselling/male-domestic-abuse-outreach-program/ I think you mean the second, for some reason the pdf file doesn't translate here is the link to a site https://www.willownet.ca/resources-for-men/ it's the second one down and again talks specifically about male victims. And the third one does list family violence but it gives access to information that pertains to both genders on it's site and advertises itself as having help for male victims as well. The fact of the matter is it can be very hard to find this information when in crisis. People are often overwhelmed and don't know where to look.

[art84]

If I had a violent wife or girlfriend I would get out of the relationship before things get worse. Violence is not the answer and being a guy I believe a man should never hit a women even in self defense. Maybe counseling for couples to work out any problems maybe seeing a therapist for anger issues or being on medication if possible.

[gobsmacked3]

How would having kids affect your decision?

As well as you loving her?

Your view is very wise and so in tune with the situation. The sad part is the many shades of grey :(

[art84]

If I had children I would want them to be not see that side of my girlfriend/wife. It would be hard if divorce had to happen but the children come first. I would still have feelings for my wife but if she couldn't change for the better, i would realize that I deserve to be with someone who will treat me with respect as I would them.

[gobsmacked3]

Kids make it so tough. For you always want what is best for them but what exactly is this?

1, Their parents addressing the issue together and staying together

2, Splitting for they cannot find a resolution

Breakups mess up the lives of children BIG time. From my own experience, my marriage ending destroyed my son

[art84]

Sorry to hear that about your son. My brother had an ex who was violent but they weren't married but had kids together. He eventually got away from her and got custody of his children and they live with him but can see their mom on weekends every other week. I think cause they were young like 5 and 7 years old that they took it easy compared to if they were teenagers. Still it does hurt the children as it make both parents look like they couldn't work out their differences. I really can't imagine what being a child of divorce is like and all of the feelings that comes with it.

[zagor]

Seems if he is that much bigger than her he should be able to safely restrain her until she calms down. But if this happens a lot he should insist she seek psychological help. She may have a hormone imbalance or mental condition that can be treated.

[gobsmacked3]

we agreed on this but out of respect for her. we thought it best to allow her to deal with the issue (s) in privacy rather than expose it openly

[HOAAH]

I Don't support violence. She needs to want to stop. She needs to admit her wrong doing. Unfortunately, most don't. They just try to justify their stance. He would have to get help, counseling... read some self help books. Good luck

[gobsmacked3]

i do not support it either but if it involves someone you love. as with this case of my friend with his wife a remedy needs to be found. counselling it the last resort for both are very private people

[HOAAH]

Just don't tell anyone you went to counseling. If you want the marriage to work, you gotta put in the work. Some times the answer doesn't lie within the couples. That's why there's self help books and counselors.

[gobsmacked3]

not about telling anyone- more about them airing their dirty washing to anyone

[HOAAH]

It's the counselors job to keep it confidential and help them, not spread rumors and gossip.

[gobsmacked3]

sure, but still involves telling an outsider. it is a very older generation thing :(

[HOAAH]

You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped, or think they need help, or is willing to try anything for help.

[qwer3cdfsetg]

well she ain't is she the princess and isis needs to know that chopping heads and raping people is bad and need to stop

[JustAnotherGirlie]

Okay first of all, no type of violence is acceptable. Period. If she’s getting crazy, get those kids out of there. Just like any domestic violence situation, you do NOT need kids witnessing that bc it sets a dangerous precedent for that they might expect from a woman they date/marry. Abusive behavior is never okay.

Your friend needs to press charges and get the hell out. Don’t care what the underlying problem is - isolate the kids with grandparents and either figure out divorce proceedings or convince her to get help. If she refuses psychiatric help, divorce is final.

I have a zero tolerance policy for abuse. And if this is true then get the HELL out. But first, make sure the kids are out of the house and safely with someone else for a while. Bc she, upon learning he wants a divorce, may retaliate

[FatherJack]

He needs to bin her & end it , like I did to an ex girlfriend that bit , then slashed me with a knife... instant dismissal. Hitting back will = arrest , court & jail time , a man = automatically guilty , even if SHE is the aggressor !!

[FatherJack]

You are right about the young keyboard bravado types... full of BS !!

[gobsmacked3]

Yup, sadly so

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't "deal" with this. It's not something that can be fixed in my opinion.

Honestly I'd hit back if I had too but this guy needs to get out before that situation comes up. That's not healthy at all.

I would suggest talking with him about it and, if that goes nowhere, going to the police.

[Blondie80]

What is the cause of the wife's rage? Why is like that? There must be reasons... He should find that out.

[gobsmacked3]

he doesn't know and plans too

[gobsmacked3]

@Blondie80 the more i think, the more i think that it might be hormonal. she is 51 and it might be because of menapause

[Blondie80]

It can be, but there mudt be some reasons your friend should ask, because this behaviour id abnormal. I have rage because i am a victim of child abuse...

[Anonymous]

The only thing you can do with a violent woman is to gather evidence of her violence through eye witness, video evidence, social and message conversations where she admits to assaulting you. All to be used as future evidence in a court of law.
Even when a guy was the victim of domestic abuse and the police are called, no matter how badly beaten and bruised the guy is the police will take him away instead of his abuser, leaving her with any kids they have as the law is sexist against men in these cases.

[gobsmacked3]

this is not necessary here for he is not trying to nail her. more he is wanting to work through the issue with her

[Opinion Owner]

Fair enough but he's kidding himself. As long as there are no consequences for her actions she will never change. Some people are just rotten to the core.

[gobsmacked3]

they have been together nearly 30 years and she has mothered his 4 kids- that demands respect. as seen in working through the issue

[Opinion Owner]

Respect would be teaching his kids that it's never acceptable for your partner to be violent. I've seen this all before, it affects children and they carry it into their adulthood thinking it's normal.

[gobsmacked3]

Sure, and you solidify it by helping her through this issue. By putting it on her to address it through communication and if she doesn't, counselling. Last resort, she loses her marriage.

[Opinion Owner]

After 30 years of marriage? Children need to be protected from people like this woman.

[gobsmacked3]

Hasn't been throughout the marriage. And seeing we are talking marriage and kids. How long have you been married and how many kids have you got?

[Opinion Owner]

Married 2 years and one kid. I come from a home where domestic abuse was everyday.

[gobsmacked3]

same, i grew up with abuse. a very tough issue to put behind you

[Opinion Owner]

We really should have been taken into care.

[gobsmacked3]

i am sorry to hear this. it is great you have a chance to create a wonderful atmosphere with your family now

[honesty321]

woman are not stronger then man. Then here is a game. And there is a chance your friend is gay ofcourse. You can find more about the gay game and gay agenda on youtube. But it really exist and they infiltrate anywhere. Allways where is the blame game I get doubtfull since gay want to chance the law of the bible with 10 commands opposit as satanists do. So be carefull what game here is played.

[gobsmacked3]

seriously, get off the drugs, or share. You are on some seriously freaky gear ;)

[BronzedAdonis]

you're making this way more complicated than it needs to be.

this bish is bat-shit crazy and has no regard for you so leave her, simple as that.

[gobsmacked3]

not me, my friend

you do not just leave a 30 year union with 4 kids

[BronzedAdonis]

yes I do

[MlleCake]

Yes, you certainly do if there is violence. You take your physical leave to be safe - then she gets some of her own shit taken care of and comes back to you with an action plan of how she is going to manage her emotions and outbursts in a more sane way.

[gobsmacked3]

@MlleCake So, you pay no respect to 30 years together and all she has given?

keeping in mind this is only recent, and could be due to hormones?

If it was me, I would back her to the hilt and find a way to help her through it.

Leaving would never enter my mind, never. For you never turn your back on the ones who have always been there for you when they are going through tough times. Never, ever

[MlleCake]

Who says you aren't backing her, or talking to her, or helping her work on herself?

But you can't stay around a violent person.

That's the utmost in insanity.

[gobsmacked3]

@MlleCake If it was a violent man towards a woman, agree 100%

In this case, you can for even if she goes completely off tap. He can protect himself against her. Even restrain her. The power dynamic allows this.

Plus, he is a boxer, he knows how to cover up when under an onslaught. Keep in mind experienced in doing so against huge men. i assume you are American, this a 300 pound man being violent towards him and him being adept and fending it off.

She is barely 100 pounds ringing wet.

I agree wholly with your premise but there is a context attached to this situation

[MlleCake]

Yes, I am looking at the context. It is bad to keep yourself in a situation where your partner becomes volent. Doesn't matter your gender or your size. It doesn't help that person heal eaither.

[gobsmacked3]

@MlleCake On the topic of 'healing'. If he walks on her now. What is the effect on his 4 kids?

Also, on his heart? seeing he still loves her deeply?

In no way am I condoning violence or trying to justify it. Her behaviour is appalling. If I thought there was real safety issue I would have taken him and his four kids home with me. I think they can get through this. She is a great woman just having a very out of character phase that she needs support through

[MlleCake]

I am not telling him to "walk" on her. I am saying, stay away from violent people until they get a handle on their shit, just as I would tell a woman.

[gobsmacked3]

@MlleCake By 'staying away', the premise is not being there for the one consistent with violence in a family set up is unpredictability

[MlleCake]

Actually, I think SHE should move out for a time, to be honest. Until she's gotten herself together. A few weeks? A couple months? A year? I don't know.

I just know it is a bad idea to have someone around who is prone to violence. And I have some experience with how families heal after violence. The violence cannot be tolerated, and the violent person needs to deal with their shit before they come back to the family.

[gobsmacked3]

@MlleCake I think if she did this it would destroy her children

I know from my own experience after my marriage of over 20 years ended it destroyed my son

[gobsmacked3]

@MlleCake Also if she did, who looks after her children. Seeing she is predominantly a stay at home mum ( works part time)

[MlleCake]

Yes, I fully understand you disagree with me. I still stand by what I said.

[gobsmacked3]

@MlleCake I agree with you on many levels. I just think you are missing the context here. Regardless, you have a right to your view and to express it

The sad reality here is it is an impossible situation. Where there is no 'right answer'

[LegateLanius]

Wow. I am surprised he didn't break up with her when they were not married and did not have kids

[gobsmacked3]

They have been together nearly 30 years. This is the first I have heard of this from him

[Alpha89s]

Sorry mate !
If this happen to me I WILL put her in her place !!!

this is how biology work.

[gobsmacked3]

No need to be sorry, you have a right to your view

On the point of Biology, how does that work for you if you end up in jail?

[Alpha89s]

I'm not gonna hit her... rather than shove her or SCARE her to let her know her place !

After all... hitting a woman is never a good reason no matter the circumstances.

[gobsmacked3]

Oh, my misunderstanding.

In a sense, you are on my wavelength

[Alpha89s]

That's cool mate.

[Anonymous]

he should go to a police station and tell them whats going on. he shouldn't hit back because they won't believe him if he does

[gobsmacked3]

In doing this he makes it public. Which is a huge issue when both are private beings

[Opinion Owner]

well would he rather have it be public and have it be over or keep doing this and be miserable and possible have it elevate to where he could be killed

[gobsmacked3]

Also, in your initial reply you cite the problematic nature of going to the police for they will not take it seriously.

the best option is to work it out between the two. With the acid put on her to address it. If not, counselling

[Opinion Owner]

no i said that he shouldn't hit back because they wouldn't believe any of this was happening because she's a woman