Surviving a Relationship With an Alcoholic


Surviving a relationship with an Alcoholic

The one consistent in my 46 years of life has been alcohol and associated violence.

My teenage years were defined by direct violence at the hands of my alcoholic father. The legacy of this was felt throughout my marriage of nearly 21 years through my inferred violence. This led to the eventual split as well as deeply affecting my ex-wife and three children.

As such, I thought I would write a TAKE on how best to survive both aspects of an alcoholics violence. Through both the eyes of the victim and the guilty party;

The Victim;

My mother died when I was 13. It devastated my father. Who completely lost his shit as a result.

This took the form of him embracing heavy denial through him not being able to process the loss. Heavy drinking was the result. It transformed him from a man I idolised to one who always put me at great risk.

A passive/aggressive dynamic raged where tension was the standout. I was a child in a single parent family where the parent was abusive.

The passive took the form of hope. Where he showed signs of being the father he was in the past. The mistake I made was investing trust in this for it might have lasted for a few days, or at times, long periods but was always exposed as a facade. One bad day, one drink, he was back heavily into his escapism with his heavy drinking. The worst part was the betrayal. An emotion that kills you as a teen for its shows how little you mean and destroys your self-esteem.

The wisdom I impart to any in this type of situation is never ever believe anything an alcoholic says or promises. In doing so, never be direct, always make them feel like you believe them, but deep in your heart do not.

The need to humour them leads into the aggressive aspect where an alcoholic can change in a blink from a happy drunk to a violent drunk. One never should tempt this side by being anything other than neutral, or even subservient in all your communications.

If there is violence, you need to really respect this. The point is it is not hard to hurt someone very badly or even kill them. A violent drunk is unpredictable due to not having complete control over their actions and reflexes. I remember very vividly trying to put my father to bed in a drunken stupor and him crushing two of my ribs when he lurched out with his size 16 boot.

An episode that saw him say ‘sorry’ in the aftermath when he sobered up.

‘Sorry’ is key in any relationship with a drunk. Always accept it at face value but attach no credibility to it. Alcoholics are profoundly selfish and this term defines them. The will liberally roll out sorry but never address it by seeking out ways to change their destructive behaviours. Only when they do, accept it, and show more trust in them.

ideally, do your best to get out. The sad reality is some are trapped in this situation. I write this for those who are trapped to try to help them cope and get through. If another parent is on the scene the associated reality is little faith can be invested in them. They can be trapped in the love they feel along with the battered nature they have endured which can make them so unwilling, and thus, unable to get out.

Do your best to look after them, or any other siblings, but, always have your own back.

The Abusive Parent;

I was never directly violent in my marriage with my ex-wife, or any of my three children.

The violence I imposed was worse for it was inferred due to never adequately dealing with my fathers’ abuse. It was very like the waves against the shoreline in a seaside setting. Ever subtle, that is rarely noticed, but having a profound effect over time.

My ex-wife ended the marriage because of this. In retrospect, I am in awe of her strength to look after herself and our three kids. She loved me and was deeply in love with me, but after giving me ample opportunity to address this and me never doing so, I had to go.

I was a heavy drinker that embraced denial over issues that I could never face. This became a trust issue with my ex-wife for it never allowed her into my inner sanctum. Our marriage always relied on unconditional honesty and this didn’t fit in with this so she kicked me to the curb.

This killed me, but the salt in the wounds was the effect on my children. I imprinted escapism on their impressionable minds. A hypocrisy that destroyed me for I always taught my children to face any issues they encountered and deal with them. Only to defy this through my own inability to deal with my own issues which were made worse by hiding in the bottle and at times drowning in it.

The bottom line is to never get in a relationship with an individual that has experienced abuse with alcohol unless they have dealt adequately with it. The great times which can be plentiful will always be put into context by the killer punchline.

If, you are in a relationship where violence is a regular occurrence the wisdom I will bestow is from the thoughts of a friend I helped to get out of a violent union;

‘ You better make the first hit a really good one, for it is the last time you will ever see my face again...’

Never make any excuses, or embrace any vicarious reasoning to stay. It will never end well and often it will end in a devastating way. If you want some confronting facts over violence:

Surviving a Relationship With an Alcoholic

Surviving a Relationship With an Alcoholic
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Most Helpful Girl

  • Goodwifie
    My husband started turning into an angry drunk. He's start yelling abuse at me, even accused me of having an affair.
    I made him get help by sitting in on a doctors appointment for something else and it gave me a safe place to to get my point of view across. Having a third person the doctor there to support my opinion that his behavior wasn't normal.
    Of course he had to have one more drunken night and this is when I told him to choose between his boozy nights or his family.
    He chose his family.
    Like 2 People
    Is this still revelant?
    • Thankfully he did. Many choose their drink :(

Most Helpful Guy

  • Bluemax
    Thanks for the take. Fascinating and insightful.
    Like 1 Person
    Is this still revelant?

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What Girls & Guys Said

  • Cursewords
    Now that I've had the time to sleep off the jet lag and get on the hotel wifi. I found this gold.

    "The one consistent in my 46 years of life has been alcohol and associated violence."
    (it's "one constant" by the way Mr. 46 year old who's apparently in 'education')

    Mother died when you were a kid - check
    Alcoholic father - check
    Rest of family probably don't give a shit about you - maybe check?
    History of being abused - check
    Absolutely littered with mental illnesses, ptsd and disturbing sexual issues - mega check
    You still go and have 3 retarded children anyway LOL - wtfcheck
    Gets yourself divorced probably for being a massive creep (face it, we all know you didn't divorce her, what to be alone? ha no) - checkkkkkkkk
    Found a platform with a bunch of anons who are too busy with similar problems so they don't mind you having nothing but free time to write your own garbage - check
    Talks shit from the comfort of your armchair without having the balls to show your face - check
    Not-even-secretly hates any (every) other man that's had a better life than you - check
    Despite all of this, still thinks that he's better than someone who's happily married,
    who's parents weren't remotely failures or alcoholics, and yet still he tries to insist on this in any way that he can - checkarinoo

    The kicker here is that for someone with such a fucked up, worthless life that amounted to nothing in 47 years. You're here giving other people advice.
    Even for topics like marriage, despite the fact that yours ended before even 50.

    "I like to turn women on with my words" but you couldn't even turn on a 12V light with the shit you are peddling. I mean that's if I even
    buy this sob story of yours, and I am not even sure that I do hahaha!

    Remember my face. It's the face of a man who at every single opportunity, has had it better than you ever had or ever will.

    Try and say something to spin this back in your favour, yeaaa no. Not after I read this gold. You're welcome to try though. ;)
    Like 2 People
    • I love seeing you, 'Sachin'. Sorry, cursewords#1, or cursewords#2

      You use such time and effort in obsessing over me. Only for it all to be wasted. The attempted taunts and abuse have no effect. Like the tennis ball being thrown against the brick wall whereas you are so triggered by me.

      The only effect is laughter directed at you. Followed by ridicule.

      Everything you claim is consistent with you. You point figures at others to conceal insecurities consistent in you;

      1, Fakeness- LOL- has two profiles of the same name. One his main, the other he follows

      2, No life, or a pathetic one- Obsesses over one/many on the Net

      3, Stupidity- You are to a retarded level. You are an Afghan. Which points to being a Muslim. Then admit to travelling to Australia having made abuse towards many on a site. Even photoing two passports at an airport. You overlook the Islamophobia raging and how easy it would be to relay your details to appropriate authorities in Australia. And how they could trace you

    • Cursewords

      Islamaphobia? What Islamaphobia? Besides Australian authorities wouldn't give two shits. You're all talk. Sad washed up men like yourself sit comfortably behind a computer not showing their face with nothing but words and empty threats. Plenty have tried and failed at threatening me.

      You probably have dozens of accounts on this site. I keep a second with the same name so I can reply to people who are cowards like yourself and block me. That's it. But hey, unless you were completely retarded you already knew that, and comparing that to the so-called 'trainwreck' of a personality and life you've lived. It's hardly something worth mentioning a dozen times. Yaaawwwn.

      You really think that I'm a fucking Afgan LOL? Really, with this perfectly written English and even being able to even correct your dumbass mistakes Mr. "educator"

      All I'm gonna say is nice try lol! Glad you've found a home here amongst the other scarred and scared shitless cowards on this site. See you round buddy :p

    • Cursewords

      For the record, I already showed you. I'm a dual a 5th generation Australian and 1st generation Finnish national. If I really was a filthy Afgan (LOL) I wouldn't even be let into Australia. How hard is it for you to get through your head that when I made this account I didn't pick a country LOL I just left it at the first choice in the list. Coming from a guy who won't even show his face, complaining about not choosing the right country makes you more than a hypocrite.

      Fuck me you're clutching at straws here. Don't cry too hard before bed tonight. See you around buddy :)

      Remember my face old man.

    • Show All
  • Curiousbynature31
    I ve been in an abusive relationship with an SO and I almost died as a young child. I am familiar with sexual, violent, emotional, and satanic ritualistic abuse. (Yes it’s a thing) I was taken away by the state 25 times and returned. The final time I was in the hospital for a week due to the fact I was so close to death. At almost 3 I should never have made it out alive, but I managed to get myself and my younger sister and brother out as well.
    Like 1 Person
    • you are a superhero for doing so

    • Although that I appreciate, I was only a sister to two people more defenseless than me. It was my job to watch over them. I wish I had been able to do better. Never met my brother after he was adopted out but, my sister is messed up beyond repair. She got her son taken away due to repeating the cycle, and heartbreakingly I had to be the one to make that happen.

    • i can appreciate being messed up 'beyond repair'

  • bubble_tea
    Great take! As a (former?) heavy drinker, what are your definitions of an alcoholic addiction? And, were you ever caught driving under influence? Would it have stopped your self-destruction sooner if they did? Is there anything your kids could have said to make you stop?
    Like 1 Person
    • where you sacrifice others for your drink.

      no, never

      my abuse of my kids was only seen in the aftermath

  • Lovi87
    My father's an alcoholic and doesn't care about anything or no one. Just his booze. He got worse after his parents died.
    Like 1 Person
    • yup, the selfishness kills. I am sorry you experienced this :(

    • Lovi87

      Thank you. He's also threatened us many of times and when you tell him about it when he's sober, he either says, "Yeah what the fuck ever." or just tells you to stfu and not bring it up again. He then tried to tell me that I'd be like him if he and my mum died, but I won't. Everyone has to lose their loved ones one day. I am NEVER hitting the bottle. It will tear me apart, but I just have to cope and move on. I've lost people in my life, so I know I can handle it. I know it's different with your parents, but... I think I'd be okay. Eventually.

      He just makes everyone absolutely miserable all the time. I'm on medication for anxiety etc, and my meds make me angry which he fuels even more. I also gained weight because of them, and instead of boosting me with confidence to help myself lose it... he'll sit there and call me a fat bitch. I used to be skinny (8 stone), and I would cry because I hated how I didn't fill out clothes like other girls. I stopped going out too.

    • you need to get out of this

    • Show All
  • Flower-petal
    My ex husband is a alcoholic and heroin meth and pain pills addict. He chose that stuff over everything else. My parents were also alcoholics. Wonder I turned out pretty good.
    Like 2 People
    • It is always two sides of the coin;

      1, You are a prisoner to the legacy

      2, You defy it in every regard

      I was the prisoner whereas my sister was the defiant one

    • I just knew I didn't want to be anything like them. I knew I wanted to be a great Mom to my boys.

    • and i am certain you were/are

  • BaileyisDarcy
    I have rules when it comes to alcohol.
    1. Dont drink before 10 am
    2. NEVER drink alone
    3. Dont keep alcohol in an easily accessible place (eg your bedroom. Kitchen cupboard is fine)
    4. Prefferably dont have alcohol on hand. Buy it as you need it, dont stockpile.
    5. Know your limits, if you dont know them, stick to one or two, or none at all.
    6. You dont need alcohol to have fun.
    • The first two my mother gave me (shes an alcoholic, the kind that drinks the money away rather than the abusive kind)
      But I've developed the rest over time myself. Im moving into a share house next year and itll be a requirement for everyone to agree to these rules before we live together. I AM bringing the most furniture, so itll cost them a shit tonne of money if i back out.

    • The sad part of having rules with an addiction is they get thrown out the window real quick. They are noble but somewhat realistic. a drunk will always find a way, then one drink is too much and 100 never enough. At this point, everything goes to hell and all in your vicinity are loaded into the gun

    • Well thankfully nobody im moving in with is addicted. My cousin and i are most likely to develop an addiction though, our family is HIGHLY susceptible to that kind of thing.
      But she's agreed to my rules, resisted a little on the alc in rooms but she saw my reasoning and came around. The mate moving with us, says he's less likely. But he's one depressed mofo and fucked if im letting him get his hands on the stuff when in a mood. I see one bottle in his room and im taking his stash i swear to fucking god. I dont care if he hates me for it, i am NOT living with an alcoholic. Been there, done that.

  • LegateLanius
    Wow, I am really lucky. My father was an alcoholic but gave that up to raise me.
    Like 1 Person
  • Tdieseler
    Im an alcoholic but ain't like that.. i still handle my responsibilities. You dealt with an ABUSIVE alcoholic so don't group us all.
    Disagree 2 People
  • Anonymous
    Alcoholics can be disastrous! We shouldn't try to be heroes and deal with alcoholics on our own. We need to send them to a proper institution so they can help with their methods & expertise. Selfish as that sounded, we must draw the line between getting hurt ourselves and what really good for that loved one struggling his/her addiction. We need a break to re-group and eventually be strong for them. When they get well, they'll understand it wasn't abandonment. It was help.
    Like 3 People