To simply put it, I've never really experienced heartbreak before him. I've felt a lot of things, I've suffered loss, pain, I've even convinced myself on a number of occasions that I've loved someone, but by the end of it all, I've either hurt them or ended it and felt nothing.
I met my best friend Freshman year of Collage, I was in an open relationship with an abuser and he instantly became my protector, saving me from not only my ex but myself on multiple occasions. Although we lived two separate lives, he was the nerd and I was the stoner, somewhere along the way we both kind of just fell in love and he began to carry some of my baggage for me. While I was off somewhere making out with sleazy men I just met, he was the one defending me, protecting me from some of those scumbags who would later on turn into stalkers, at the cost of his own life... Literally. One of the guys I fooled around with actually shoved a bunch of metal soda cans in his tailpipe one time.
I guess eventually he made up his mind and assumed had enough because he gradually stopped saying "I love you," stopped hugging me and comforting me and found himself a girlfriend. He even became passive-aggressive, yelling at me to "take responsibility" and calling me a "relationship martyr" who seeks out destructive relationships. When I talked to one of our close friends about it, he simply just said "He really loved you and couldn't get over you for a long time."
Years passed and we both kind of drifted apart, although we still hung out. A few months ago we were at a bar with a couple of our friends and he has high blood pressure, so his nose began bleeding because he drank too much, so I helped him clean himself up, but since we were both drunk and not thinking properly, he leaned into kiss me and practically did, but I reluctantly didn't try to kiss him back.
Months now have passed and I've hung out with him a number of times but NEVER without his girlfriend tagging along. Yet even with his girlfriend present I would sometimes catch him checking me out and each time he would do the same thing, look down quickly, with a guilty expression on his face and resort to either kissing his girlfriend out of nowhere, walking away, or talking to someone else in the room.
Saturday night I went to a party and he was there without his girlfriend, but immediately when he saw me he turned in the other direction. I in time found him in the living room talking to two people I know don't like me and overheard him talking about almost kissing someone, in which he proceeded to say "Don't tell Kate" (his gf). By then im 95 percent sure he was talking about me and is purposely ignoring me. The night continues and I see him in passing and although we never stop to talk I catch him NUMEROUS times across the crowded room of people staring at me, so I decided to play around to grab more of his attention and at last he bites, walks over to me and the guy im fake flirting with, grabs something from the counter behind us and just stands there, staring at me, listening in on our conversation, but once I turn to look at him, he quickly looks away and walks off. By this point I'm drunk and extremely upset that he can't even look at me, so I end up locking myself in one of the bedrooms upstairs just to cry it out. But, while sobbing I became fully aware that our relationship is too complicated to be healthy. He has made his decision to be genuine and faithful to his girlfriend which I had no doubt in because he is one of the nicest guys I've ever met, but I was somehow getting in the way of that. He was ignoring me because he was afraid he might cheat or do something he'll regret. He was once my protector but now he was protecting himself from me. So, I did what any sensible person would do, stopped crying, went back to the party, told everyone I wasn't feeling well, and made my rounds to say goodbye... officially... for good. He of course ignored me and played the piano while I went around the room hugging everyone, but eventually he stopped playing, got up, and stood behind the last person I was saying goodbye to, as if he was waiting to be the last one.
We were face to face, and without a word he pulled me into a tight hug, so tight it seemed as if we were both squeezing the life out of eachother. I pulled away first, giving him one last look, barely keeping it together, fake smile on my face while my chest is bundled in knots, saying "Bye Bonito" (A name I sometimes called him because he had a shirt that said Bonito and I thought it was fitting because it means beautiful in spanish). He then squeezed both my arms looking at me like he was about to cry and cracks out a "No" and I quickly, without another word, pull away, almost bursting into tears again thinking about how he must of known I was saying my final goodbye - as if he knew this was the end.
This is possibly the saddest goodbye I have to date, and now because of him I know what heartbreak feels like. I haven't been able to stop crying since, but I feel I've made the right decision. They say if you truly love someone set them free, and if they return then it's meant to be, but I can't go on pretending everything is ok between us, constantly hurting him so he can hurt me back. It's become a game between us, a game i'm reluctant to play. I think this entire time he was trying to convince himself that he didn't feel anything for me anymore, but failed so many times he just resorted to ignoring me as a way to cope. It wasn't fair for the both of us.
I lost my best friend, my Bonito.
Maybe one day years from now we'll find each other again and our love won't be so tragic, but for now I will heal this broken heart, while deep down I'll keep hoping...
"Somewhere in forever we'll dance again."
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