#LOVE # I LOVE YOU “I love you.” “I like all of you a lot- I really do- but I really LOVE him.” “Aw, it’s just puppy love.” “You don’t know what real love IS!!!”
You have probably heard and maybe made these comments, or some very similar. Can someone “be in love” at 16? How about staying in love at 61? Can you love more than one person? What kind of love is THAT?
The basis of even beginning to understand your feelings in a relationship- and about the concept of “love” especially- requires a basic understanding of the various types OF love, and there are five kinds of love, four kinds of which most people have never even heard!
The Greek language distinguishes several different senses or meanings for the word "love" with a different root word for each. The Greek words xenia, philia, storge, agape, and eros all refer to different kinds of “love”. Let’s take a quick look at each.
Xenia: Xenic hospitality was an extremely important practice in Ancient Greece. It was an almost ritualized friendship between a host and his guest, people who could previously have been total strangers. Xenic love was shown by the host by respecting his guest, and by the guest who would not be a burden to the host. The host fed and provided quarters for the guest, who was expected to repay only with gratitude, except in the case of traveling bards, wherein entertainment and news from other towns was the usual “thank you”. The importance of this can be seen throughout Greek mythology, in particular, Homer's Iliad and Odyssey.
Philia: This love involves comradeship and friendship for another individual, but it expects a response. It is a love of relationship, comradeship, sharing, communication and friendship. Philic (not phallic, guys!) love makes a bond that is all trusting, and not sexual in nature. They share each other’s thoughts, feelings, attitudes, plans and dreams. They confide in each other secrets, fears and needs that they would not share with others. This is where your true BFF would fit in. Note the use of this Greek root in the words philanthropy (generousity) and hydrophilia (water-loving).
Storge: This type of love is often described as a “comfortable old shoe relationship” comprised of natural affection and a sense of belonging to each other. Storgic love represents a safe haven for people as it is a place of acceptance, mutual respect and shelter. One example is familial love, hopefully that of parents and offspring to each other. Many people dwell in storgic love for years and misunderstand it as being mundane or boring. But in effect it is a very safe place, but can simply lack excitement we might seek. It can also serve as a moat around a relationship, protecting it from outside forces. Storgic love can co-exist with other types of love and can be likened to a foundation made up of trust and safety.
Agape: Refers to a "pure," ideal type of love, not sexual attraction suggested by eros. Agapic love is complete love, but with the expectation of nothing in return. Agape love is different from erotic love in that it is not sexual nor romantic in nature. Its nature is that of self sacrifice. Agape love was shown by Jesus, as He gave Himself totally to save man from sin. Agape love is also different from the other kinds of love in that you can choose it. It is a giving of yourself for the betterment of the relationship. Agape love can help you to “protect” yourself emotionally during difficult times as you love someone but expect nothing in return. You can love someone completely and still have boundaries and maintain your self respect.
Eros: OK, OK- you knew I'd get to this one sooner or later. This is often the first thing that many people think of when the topic of “love” pops up. This type of love is associated with sex and romance. It is that erotic feeling we get when a sexual relationship moves forward and you get all “hot and bothered”. Your world and mind circles about your loved one and they are always on your mind. You strive for time together romantically. Eros love is totally emotional, sexual and cannot typically be summoned at will. While most of us have experienced erotic love in our lives, it is not sustainable. But while erotic love is not sustainable, it can cycle in and out of a relationship over its course.
Here are a few examples. When you open you home to visitors, you offer your guests gracious hospitality (xenic love). You show this love with clean, relaxing surroundings, perhaps a tasty meal, and by showing respect for their basic comfort needs. You can show them the benefit of your ideas- sort of like what GAG does- with your conversation, and even with your donations to their special causes (philic love). You can extend your hospitality and caring to the point that it becomes storgic in nature, that is, your friends may find your home a place of safety and comfort on which they know they can always depend. You can even approach the point of becoming agapic in your offering of love to others, simply offering total love with no expectation of anything in return other than simply accepting your love. (I’ll let you fill in your own blanks on erotic love.)
So there you have it. Hopefully, myTake on the subject will help you understand your own feelings toward others that you “love”, and just which type of love you might be experiencing with them at a given time since it will change over time.
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