I guess if you want a story you've come to the right place. I just need to get it off my chest. Unless you're M... in which case, this is for you.
There was me. Straight, in a happy relationship, just killing time on this site. It was fun, but meaningless. Then I made a friend who changed it all.
I didn't come here to make friends and didn't care much for the site to be honest. Others might relate. But it sucks you in pretty fast, right?! A girl and I started messaging anyway. That was you, M. I felt like I'd found a proper kindred spirit! Wonderful personality, beautiful looks, fun and bubbly and caring. You brighten people's lives with every step. You lived far away, but I doubt we would have met up anyway. My fault. I made a mistake.
I knew all along you were pretty openly gay, and I had plenty of LGBT+ friends and supported their rights. It didn't matter to me. In fact, I've always got on well with queer people and felt welcome, like a part of them, but I didn't like girls! Nah, I could appreciate they were attractive, I could admire them, I could love them, but I was straight! Right? Wrong. I got a huge crush on you, despite my relationship, and still told myself I was straight.
Then I told you I liked you. First mistake, although definitely salvageable. You liked me too, but it was okay, you knew it couldn't happen. You knew about my boyfriend. We could still be friends.
I want people to know I was a good friend until this point. Wasn't I? We had a great time. I wasn't always an idiot, but from this point on I know I was.
Second mistake, but a big one. My guilty conscience made me cut you off, regretting my emotions getting the better of me, fearing my boyfriend finding out, knowing I'd get too attached and hurt us both. What good did I think that was gonna do?! WE WERE ALREADY TOO FUCKING ATTACHED! Honestly, I still feel it! So it was no surprise I always missed you, wanted to be friends again, needed to talk. You took it well, you were accepting and never showed if it hurt you. I told myself, this time, I'd keep things under control. But I never did, and it became cyclical. Third mistake: not stopping after I did that once. But what was right? How did I feel? How should I handle it? I overthought and overthought and couldn't figure out what to do. We'd become pretty close, and I'd fallen HARD. I loved you. Part of me still does.
God, I sound like a bitch! That was STUPID. I regret it so much. You never acted like it was a big deal, but... God.
Well, I've always had a busy life, so sometimes I didn't reply for a while. It all built up, the stress of not knowing if I was doing a bad thing, dying to talk to you, pressuring myself not to, and being really hot and cold. It was childish to run away. It didn't make it better. It made it easier, but it harmed our relationship. I should have just talked to you and I know we'd have got through it. But no, sometimes I even left the site for months at a time. Fourth mistake. The final time, I was so torn up over my feelings and guilt, and Fifth. So determined to cut you off "for our own good" that I destroyed my Kik without warning and tried to forget. That one was the worst one.
Maybe if I'd known I was bi, it would have been easier? Maybe if I knew how to truly accept my feelings and be at peace with them, it would be okay. I know now, M.
That time, when I finally came back, you were inactive. I'd forgotten your Kik username. I know the display name, but I can't do anything with that. Our messages here had timed out and vanished. There was no trace of you, and I'd rejected and lost what little I had. I was left with nothing. I STILL didn't realise I wasn't straight, but I sure as hell realised I loved you, and at the very least should have kept our friendship going. M, I'm so sorry. I was so immature, and I know I hurt you. I did so much wrong, and you didn't deserve that. I've learned, each mistake brought a lesson, and I'm trying to be better. I still miss you. And it's been at least a year.
I barely even use this site now, and I haven't made another friend here yet. Of course I moved on, but it's not the same without you, so I had to immortalise you somehow. This is the best I can do. An admission, a tribute, an apology. Something maybe someone else here can appreciate. I have no idea what they're going to comment. Will they insult me? Will they tell me I did nothing wrong? Will they relate? Will they ignore me?
Life goes on and honestly I'm still with the same boyfriend, but goddamn, if only I could have had you in my life too, it would have been perfect. I know that's not selfish, we both wanted it, but I sabotaged it and I can only hope you come back one day. You probably won't. I should lay it all to rest here (wow, this is melodramatic, but it really means a lot to me!). I don't deserve to be forgiven anyway, but I need to find peace with this. Life teaches us to be perfect, and I'm doing my best, but we'll never learn enough in this short time we have. A girl can dream. I guess that's all I've got left to do now. It will be perfect in my dream. I hope you find something perfect too.
I love you, M. From J.
What Girls Said
I know what it's like to meet a friend online, get attached, destroy your account and lose all chance of contact forever. It's heartbreaking. And I hope with whole my heart that M reads this and reaches out <3
❤️❤️❤️