I'm happy to say that I haven't spent very much time getting ghosted in life. I don't really know why that is, or if I've done anything to be so fortunate, but what I DO know is that the few times that I've been ghosted, I have always tried to pull some lesson from the situation.
But first, why do people ghost you?
Everybody knows that ghosting is when you disappear from someone's life and cut all contact with them, without providing any explanation. It's a passive aggressive way of dealing with awkward situations, and it's basically the Silent Treatment in it's most extreme form. In my experience, people who ghost are doing it for a combination of 3 basic reasons.
1. They realize that they don't really have a good reason to ask you to do what they want you do.
This one comes from the belief that they don't have any moral high ground. They understand that if they tried to confront you about the situation, they would either have no right to make a demand, or that you would be able to make a demand of your own, which would likely require them to put more effort in than what they are willing to put in for their relationship with you.
2. They might not even understand what the problem is themselves, or the real reason makes them look bad, so why would they try to justify their behavior to you?
This is pretty straight forward. If someone made you uncomfortable, but there wasn't really a clear reason why their actions made you uncomfortable, would you rather try to explain yourself to them, or would you prefer to simply never speak with them again? This is especially true if their reasons are truly selfish. They don't want to look and feel bad about themselves, so why would they give you the chance to show them that they are being abusive?
3. They are concerned that you won't respect their wishes.
I am guilty of this one, myself. I have attempted to ghost people who I tried to deal with in more up front ways in past. When those ways didn't work, I felt that cutting contact was all I had left to get what I needed. Maybe that was selfish? All I know is that when I ask you to do something 3 times, and you blatantly disregard my wishes 3 times; I'm not going to give you the chance to do it again... I just won't subject myself to that.
Now that I've explained all of that, let me tell you the story of how I got ghosted, and what I learned from it.
Around 2 years ago, I started seeing a therapist who my mom recommended as a way to deal with some trust issues that I'd had from my less-than-savory childhood. This woman was a truly gifted therapist. She was brilliantly insightful. She is the most effective therapist I've ever met, and if I had her contact info, I would cautiously recommend her services to someone who needed counseling.
I saw Rachel (not her real name) for a little over 2 months. We would talk about my childhood, the way my mother's affair affected me, my emotionally abusive father, my relationship with my older brother, etc. Rachel spent a great deal of time building trust with me, by explaining why I had so much difficulty trusting people. She knew how to express my feelings better than I did.
One day, I told her about childhood "friend" I had, who is just very self absorbed and unpleasant person (this friend had just gotten out of jail, you see, and even though his parents had driven a couple hours to pick him up, he had run off with some friends without telling them). As I was telling her about him, for whatever reason, her eyes suddenly took on a disinterested and cold appearance (I pick up on this sort of thing quickly). I thought that the reason for her eyes was that our hour session was coming to an end, so I thought nothing of it. I pulled out my checkbook, I gave her the payment on my balance to square us up, and then walked out the door.
I come back a week later, and see the couple she sees before me walking out of her office building. They were happily chatting away as I go up to Rachel's office. I knock on her door 3 times, and wait 15 minutes; Rachel was nowhere to be found. I tried calling her, 2 times, Rachel was nowhere to be found. My mom, who was still seeing her from time to time tried to call, and still... Rachel was nowhere to be found.
I never heard from Rachel again, although I know she still practices in the same place. Rachel, the THERAPIST WHO I WAS PAYING TO SIT AROUND AND LISTEN WHILE I BITCH ABOUT MY LIFE, Rachel, the trained psychiatric professional who I was visiting to help me address my trust issues; ghosted me. I truly have no idea, although I suspect it had something to do with me mentioning my friend (perhaps she buys weed off him?).
So after this happened, I wasn't even offended. I suspect that I might have been if I'd ever stopped laughing, but I couldn't. That takes the cake for the most unprofessional shit I've ever seen, and there are some strong contenders for that coveted title.
Rachel was a truly gifted Therapist, and I have no doubt she knew what she was doing, but I have to wonder about the therapeutic benefits to "Ghosting Therapy" on people with abandonment issues. Buy anyhow... I digress.
The feeling that you get when you have a Therapist ghost you is a little bit like the feeling you get when a prostitute won't sleep with you after you've paid her; the thought to be offended doesn't really cross your mind, but looking back on my time with Rachel, here's what I learned:
(Please bear in mind that when I say "relationship," I am using the broad sense of the word, which entails all interactions with someone, not a romantic relationship specifically)
1. Relationships need to be their own little isolated, and insulted things, stop allowing your friendships with people to effect your relationship with someone else.
You shouldn't consult other people about your friendships and relationships. Other people don't have any special insights; all they are going to do is dump their own emotional shit (which they will lovingly refer to as personal experience) into what you have with someone else. This is true, whether we're talking about a romantic relationship or not. They aren't going to help you, they are going to distract you from what you really want out of your relationships with other people. I have almost destroyed several romantic relationships, by listening to other people's advice.
2. Friendships have expiration dates, relationships do not.
It doesn't matter if it's your childhood friend, your father, your therapist, or your favorite gal pal to hit the salon with; they all have their place and time. It's okay to let a friendship fade over time. There's no reason to keep someone around for old times' sake... there just isn't. My most toxic friendships were with people who I kept around because they'd always just been around. You can still be connected to someone, and even be amiable, without being friends... that's perfectly okay. A romantic relationship is a different story, though. A romance needs to be fed and nourished. If you are truly in a romantic relationship, you should defend it from the people around you.
3. People are crazy. Seriously... they are batshit...
Don't take it personally... the people in your life are probably lunatics. They probably don't have very many healthy interactions with people in general, and them acting crazy has nothing to you do with you. All you can do is apply the idea from my first point, and try not let their insanity affect your life. Don't let a sick person, corrupt something healthy that you have with someone else. If you disagree with something that someone in your life is doing, don't let your friendship with them stop you from doing what's right. You might be amazed at what a small amount of friction with one person (who was probably acting like an asshole anyway), can do to improve the lives of the innocent people they will hurt.
4. If you focus on being as good as you can be, the reasons for other peoples' behavior don't matter... like... at all.
oh... and one more lesson I learned...
5. I don't need therapy.
I hope you enjoyed this MyTake! Oh, and @swolecook, I got a bangin banana bread recipe for you
Most Helpful Opinions