Advice: When casual romance blows up in your face

Dear hopeless romantics: casual relationships and flings don’t last.
Dear hopeless romantics: casual relationships and flings don’t last.


OK, so, no one asked me specifically for this advice, but I fancy myself an advice columnist now. I’m going to put out my unlicensed opinion and unwarranted advice out there anyway.


This was inspired by the many times I’ve seen friends and even family members find themselves heartbroken when their fuck buddy or casual partner don’t become their “happily ever after.”


I’m going to cut the chase right off the bat: if someone isn’t serious about you and doesn’t want to commit, they are already indicating their character to you as well as making it clear how much they value you. If you’re only worth a casual fuck, they see you as a casual fuck.


Now, don’t get upset with me and insist they respect you, because I’m sure there are SOME situations where this is true. Two people can mutually care for and respect each other while being nothing but casual flings. However, my point is, and always will be, that they don’t value you the same as a romantic partner, if they value you at all.


My simple advice for people in a casual situation questioning how to get someone to commit or what to do if they refuse is to move on. You can’t change how someone feels towards relationships and you can’t disrespect yourself by not valuing your own desires by continuing a situation that no longer fits your expectations.


It should also be pointed out that the other person (the non-committee) is not a bad person in this situation, even if you feel “used.”

That’s right - YOU agreed to a casual/sexual relationship without expectations, so as much as you feel hurt and rejected by their refusal to commit to you, you knew what you were getting into when you agreed to a casual arrangement.


That doesn’t mean someone can’t use the fact that you want to be with them as a means of getting sex or other things from you, but considering the fact you knew they had commitment issues and continued to give them what they wanted in the frail hope of forcing them to love you is still on your shoulders.


So, what about people who fall for someone who is anti-commitment when they are the opposite?


There’s nothing you can do about that, period. You can’t make someone want something they don’t want, no matter how amazing you are as a person or in the sack.


It doesn’t necessarily bode true that there aren’t exceptions to these “rules.” There are too many variables in life to suggest that one situation is absolute and no other potential futures are possible. However, in the name of love, it’s better to play it by the numbers and probability rather than relying strictly on your heart and hormones. It just might save you some serious heartache.


If any of you fuckers decide you want me to do an advice column based on personal concerns or questions, leave it below or private message me your requests.


Cheers.


~ Jane


10|16
1533
ChronicThinker is a GirlsAskGuys Editor
Who are Editors?

Most Helpful Girls

  • 24 d ago

    I've seen this too, the whole friends with benifits thing. It's usually the women who end up getting hurt from what I've seen because the guys really were not looking for anything serious and were honest at the start and the women went ahead knowing this thinking they could keep it casual or tgat given time the guy would change his mine.
    The guy is usually high quality and out of the girls league.
    Usually it ends up the guy either moves away for a job or has met someone else he's serious about. The 2nd one is the most devastating because it means his friends with benefits girl was only good enough to fool around with but not a serious relationship.
    I dont think friends with benefits is a good idea for women.

    0|0
    0|0
    • 24 d ago

      Or could be the girl is too good for the guy, gets into a relationship and it just suddenly ends 😶 definitely not me right now

    • 24 d ago

      @jamesjd101 usually from what I see is the guy is either not ready for anything serious of he's looking for someone better. The last one happened to two friends of mine. The other women were basically prettier, thinner, younger and had well paying careers.

  • 20 d ago

    why are you assumng anyone who agrees to that kind of relationship will be hurt that a different kind of relationship isn't happening? way to uphold the stigma that women get emotionally invested with guys they have sex with.

    0|0
    0|1
    • 19 d ago

      I wouldn't say I'm assuming, I would say I'm generalizing. I also don't specifically say only women experience this, not did I say all women get emotionally invested.

      The thing about generalizing based on a subject like this is there is an infant amount of variables you could address. But if I did that, this would be a 4000 word, meaningless diatribe about every possible situation where this type of relationship could go right, wrong, upwards, downwards, and how it would hold up in an alternative dimension.

      I'm not upholding any stigma because the article isn't about "all women get attached when they have sex," - it's an article, based on anecdotal experience and my subsequent opinion.

      Simmer down, sugar.

    • Show All
    • 19 d ago

      That sentence doesn't really make sense and you didn't originally pose that question. Also, retard is an outdated term, just as an FYI.

      This is an opinion piece, my friend. Meaning at the very core of it is my personal opinion and is not based on fact. I also clearly address in my paragraph, here:

      "Now, don’t get upset with me and insist they respect you, because I’m sure there are SOME situations where this is true. Two people can mutually care for and respect each other while being nothing but casual flings"

      as well as:

      "It doesn’t necessarily bode true that there aren’t exceptions to these “rules.” There are too many variables in life to suggest that one situation is absolute and no other potential futures are possible."

      I can't be held responsible for your inability to read and process information, I'm afraid.

    • 16 d ago

      😂😂

Most Helpful Guys

  • 22 d ago

    Very good advice here. I learned some of this the hard way! I did know and understand what I was getting into at the beginning, but what I didn't expect or realize was 2 things, 1) how deep the feelings would become, and therefore, how hurt I'd be, and 2) the lack of respect the person has for you because there are no feelings there for you. Something that is a must for me. You're very right when you said "it shows you right away their character", something I didn't even think about or realize in the beginning.

    1|0
    0|0
    • 22 d ago

      I stupidly thought Friends with Benefits actually meant that, FRIENDS. It doesn't for most. It very much does for me. Lesson learned!

    • 18 d ago

      so true! which makes it all the sadder when you realize that the "benefits" part was the only one important to your "friend".

  • 24 d ago

    Well I was looking for something to disagree with you on because I hate just saying I agree but I agree LOL.

    Good Take!

    3|5
    0|0

Recommended myTakes

Join the discussion

What Girls & Guys Said

1331
  • 19 d ago

    I agree. If one agrees to be in a casual relationship, then don't have expectations like the other party should commit to him/her as if they were in a serious relationship. He/she should know what they are getting into in the first place.
    The most pathetic thing a person can do is to agree to a casual relationship in a bid to get the other person to love him/her.

    0|1
    0|0
  • 20 d ago

    I like your shit
    You cuss a bit rub people wrong.
    That's good I know a girl like that too.
    You seem like a very talented bitchy writer. I love it keep writing girl😀

    1|0
    0|1
  • 23 d ago

    It’s unfortunate when they pretend to want more! Always stick to the actions speak louder than words! because they can say all they want but don’t back in their words with action.

    0|1
    0|0
    • 23 d ago

      Have you ever wanted to meet a man that is a good listener, and j have a thick skin. out-spoken must be moving.

  • 24 d ago

    Taking responsibility for your own poor choices? A lot of people aren't going to like THAT concept at all. Don't you know that it's always the other person's fault?

    Lol.

    1|0
    0|0
  • 21 d ago

    Yeah I think people should ONLY do friends with benefits if they really only want friends with benefits

    Unfortunately it seems that’s one of the least common reasons for it 🤷‍♀️

    0|0
    0|0
  • 24 d ago

    There have been times in life when I wished I would have defined the relationship better, but I think that many people are too scared to put proper labels on things, regardless of their real feelings. The reality of life is that most love is really inconvenient, and many times that means that you need to be willing to take something for what it is; a fun way to kill a few weeks.

    0|0
    0|0
  • 18 d ago

    And this hopeless romantic don't play no games. You are right when you say don't be in a casual relationship if it's not want you want, otherwise you are agreeing to heartbreak

    1|0
    0|0
  • 25 d ago

    Good take as always. Despite how logical this is, I’m sure someone out there is going to try and debate you lol

    1|0
    0|0
  • 25 d ago

    Very good and frank advice. Always make sure your expectations are aligned with the other person's.

    2|0
    0|0
  • 21 d ago

    I think this can be simplified to "when a man tells you he feels a certain way he means it" for a more general coverage of men.
    Men are honest when they tell you stuff about themselves, they use language purely as a communication tool not as a manipulation tool.

    0|0
    0|0
    • 18 d ago

      personally, I've found it more accurate to live by my (male) friend's generalization: "Men lie with their words, women lie with their actions".

  • 23 d ago

    Spot on. So many questions about changing someones minds on here.
    Heart broken questions because they fell in love with friends with benefits.
    Sadly you chose the casual route.
    I never see these last long.

    0|0
    0|1
  • 22 d ago

    Great take!!! I was caught on a casual/sexual fling and it was so hard to get myself out of it. Sometimes I reminiscent about it and it still stings a little. I don't recommend it to anyone.
    I'm 28 years old.

    0|0
    0|1
  • 23 d ago

    People don't listen to advice. If they did, we'd all be healthy, fit, nonsmoking, happy, emotionally-stable individuals with little-to-no crime in our society.

    0|1
    0|0
  • 24 d ago

    The definition of casual sex is two people getting together to enjoy each other. Period
    I think you’re reading to much into it

    2|0
    2|0
    • 24 d ago

      People seeking casual sex usually have an initial attraction, if not emotional, then at least physical. And from there things will develop.
      I disagree with you're statement.

    • 24 d ago

      @BZRKr Wow you are totally right. Exactly what is happening to me now with my crush it started like an attraction but the guy i snon committal and never had been with me anyway and does nto want to develop any emtions either but he knew i was the same and still he stopped talking to me eheheh

  • 23 d ago

    People who have casual relationships are literally vermin.

    0|0
    0|0
  • 24 d ago

    This is exactly why I don't do anything casual. 💜💚💙

    0|0
    0|0
  • 7 d ago

    Casual Romance/Sex blows up in everyone faces and usually waste each other times. Casual sex or relationships teach people to not now know how to commit and if things get to serious then they have an excuse to walk away. It has also ruined the bond between men and women, it ruins the ability to trust or love cause unfortunately a lot of people end up falling for something that does not exist. Casual sex/romance is also the reason why we have single mothers, fatherless homes, unwanted pregnancies, and std's. If any thing it's not good for society or the human mind, body, or soul cause we are just having soul ties with all these people yet wonder why we can't find a good man or woman to build a relationship with. Promiscuous lifestyle is a disease to society and in my opinion it's not good for anyone cause all we are doing is saying it's okay to use each other yet say we hate being used.

    0|0
    0|0
  • 24 d ago

    I agree! I'm surprised you think this way tbh

    Great take 👍 I just wished more people had this mindset haha

    0|0
    0|0
  • 19 d ago

    Yeah, one of the few mytakes on here I actually agree with.

    Too many women have gotten dramatic with me, when I made it 100% up front I'm only looking for something casual and not a relationship.

    We have sex once, maybe twice, and they suddenly start acting like I consented to a relationship, and then they start slinging mud when I don't.

    Ladies: If you want a relationship, don't have sex with a guy who doesn't, and then blame him because you failed to communicate clearly. It really isn't that difficult.

    0|0
    0|0
  • 20 d ago

    That is absolutely true because I have come out of a relationship just like that and it f**king hurt like he'll when it all went peek long. Thank you.

    0|0
    0|0
  • 22 d ago

    Do women have casual sex or is it just men playing this role? How long should a person try to build a relationship with this person before moving on?

    0|0
    0|0
    • 21 d ago

      Women do. I do. Trying to build something permanent or trying to change thier mind even tho you agreed to something casual isn't advisable. BUT there isn't anything wrong with making your feelings known if you guys know how to communicate. Who knows, maybe they feel the same.

    • Show All
    • 20 d ago

      Fighting sucks for everyone. Should always end those relationships.

    • 20 d ago

      Yeah I don't think we're on the same page...

  • 24 d ago

    This is excellent. Both parties should know exactly what they're getting themselves into and not be surprised that it doesn't work out when only one of them gets feelings beyond physical/sexual for the other person. I would add that would probably help the physical/sexual relationship last longer between the two people involved and help keep feelings of love at bay if both parties are occupied in similar points in life (being divorced and busy with kids as an example). However with that said, as with just about everything else in life, there are no guarantees.

    0|0
    0|0
  • 22 d ago

    I have no experience with things exploding in my face.

    0|0
    0|0
  • 24 d ago

    Your right and you are also wrong. I straight up am terrified at this point in my life of catching feelings. I’m 34, I’ve been in a normal amount of short (30 day > less), LTR (1+yr) and one night entanglements compared to your average bear. In all my years, I don’t have many honorable “never have I evers” left in my chivalry intact noteworthy achievement column, however, I can honestly and proudly say that I’ve never been unfaithful to any girl I’d been in a monogamous relationship with where each party understood the terms of engagement. Oh, and I’ve never been the one to break up with a girl I’ve dating in the LTR category of dating. So, you can imagine I’ve felt a lot of hurt and been left feeling quite jaded. What makes it even worse is I look back and realize a very real trend of only being sweated by girls I’d felt no serious desire beyond sex.

    0|0
    0|0
  • 23 d ago

    Could you check my question and maybe do one on ghosters

    0|0
    0|0
  • 24 d ago

    This was great, and very true/real life advice for people

    0|0
    0|0
  • 25 d ago

    This is common sense.

    1|0
    0|1
    • 24 d ago

      It's sense. But in 2019 I'm not sure that it's so common

  • 22 d ago

    Do one on being the rebound girl/boy :)

    0|0
    0|0
  • 24 d ago

    Completely agree with this.

    0|0
    0|0
  • 18 d ago

    Fantastic Take.

    0|0
    0|0
  • 22 d ago

    Agreed 💯

    0|0
    0|0
  • 25 d ago

    Well said

    1|0
    0|0
  • 22 d ago

    Holistic well rounded take per usual *thumbs up*

    0|0
    0|0
  • 24 d ago

    Reasonable. It's a failing all around.

    0|0
    0|1
  • 24 d ago

    Read the first couple paragraphs. good take

    0|0
    0|0
  • 24 d ago

    Thank you for the advice

    0|0
    0|0
  • 24 d ago

    I agree

    0|1
    0|0
  • 22 d ago

    Cause casual sex make you emotional involve

    0|0
    0|1
  • 23 d ago

    When I read the title I thought cumshot.

    0|0
    0|0
  • 24 d ago

    I agree

    0|0
    0|0
  • 24 d ago

    l only date long term

    0|0
    0|0
  • 20 d ago

    This is common with females, they think that letting the guy have sex with them will make him start to like them but it will almost always backfire because if you give up pussy before he gets to know you, he won't bother to get to know you and you will only ever be a hole to fuck.
    We do not get emotionally connected through sex the way women do.

    0|1
    0|0
  • 20 d ago

    Yea that why I opted out of casual relationship get to many emotional women “how I could do this to them”.

    0|0
    0|0
  • 24 d ago

    One of my friend (girl) was living double life , she had a casual fuck buddy from tinder , that guy was clear about just fuck , initially she was also but later she developed feelings for him , and now that he left , she is in mind fucked stage

    0|0
    0|0

Recommended Questions

Loading...