OK, so, no one asked me specifically for this advice, but I fancy myself an advice columnist now. I’m going to put out my unlicensed opinion and unwarranted advice out there anyway.
This was inspired by the many times I’ve seen friends and even family members find themselves heartbroken when their fuck buddy or casual partner don’t become their “happily ever after.”
I’m going to cut the chase right off the bat: if someone isn’t serious about you and doesn’t want to commit, they are already indicating their character to you as well as making it clear how much they value you. If you’re only worth a casual fuck, they see you as a casual fuck.
Now, don’t get upset with me and insist they respect you, because I’m sure there are SOME situations where this is true. Two people can mutually care for and respect each other while being nothing but casual flings. However, my point is, and always will be, that they don’t value you the same as a romantic partner, if they value you at all.
My simple advice for people in a casual situation questioning how to get someone to commit or what to do if they refuse is to move on. You can’t change how someone feels towards relationships and you can’t disrespect yourself by not valuing your own desires by continuing a situation that no longer fits your expectations.
It should also be pointed out that the other person (the non-committee) is not a bad person in this situation, even if you feel “used.”
That’s right - YOU agreed to a casual/sexual relationship without expectations, so as much as you feel hurt and rejected by their refusal to commit to you, you knew what you were getting into when you agreed to a casual arrangement.
That doesn’t mean someone can’t use the fact that you want to be with them as a means of getting sex or other things from you, but considering the fact you knew they had commitment issues and continued to give them what they wanted in the frail hope of forcing them to love you is still on your shoulders.
So, what about people who fall for someone who is anti-commitment when they are the opposite?
There’s nothing you can do about that, period. You can’t make someone want something they don’t want, no matter how amazing you are as a person or in the sack.
It doesn’t necessarily bode true that there aren’t exceptions to these “rules.” There are too many variables in life to suggest that one situation is absolute and no other potential futures are possible. However, in the name of love, it’s better to play it by the numbers and probability rather than relying strictly on your heart and hormones. It just might save you some serious heartache.
If any of you fuckers decide you want me to do an advice column based on personal concerns or questions, leave it below or private message me your requests.
Cheers.
~ Jane
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