Singles: How your relationship envy is ruining your chances with potential partners


With the trend of "couple goals" still not having fully receded, I feel the urge to address this topic.

Couple goals: please dont do this, its not safe to wear the seat belt like this
"Couple goals": please don't do this, it's not safe to wear the seat belt like this

I used to be affected by relationship envy.
Every time I would look at a couple, I‘d think „why can’t I have that?“ „why am I not the girlfriend/wife/etc.?“
You can’t avoid meeting people in relationships, but you can avoid feeling relationship jealousy when you see couples. A lot of it has to do with getting rid of high expectations (which aren’t justified), which is the topic of this take.

"That" couple (you know someone like this for sure)

There’s this great couple I know from church who got married about 7-13 years ago, I remember going to their apartment and „decorating“ it with wool and toilet paper (with their nephew) so they wouldn’t be able to get in (some custom apparently) after their wedding. I was about 8 years old at the time or younger. I never really liked the guy, his parents are our neighbours and they have a difficult type of Austrian humour. Extremely dry and sarcastic, I don’t get it at all.

He found an absolutely stunning girlfriend in Switzerland. I remember gazing at her and wondering how someone could be this beautiful. She has gorgeous eyebrows, beautiful blue eyes, fair skin and dark hair. But the most noticeable thing to me were her rings; custom, real gold, obviously expensive, but as classy as rings hardly ever get. I talked to her for 40mins about those rings on one occasion, and she told me that they were replaced after having been stolen when she was on holiday (great insurance, fully covered). They had been the engagement rings of her mother, it’s difficult to describe but it’s one ring that’s composed of multiple rings. I like rings a lot, so this made me like her even more.

I see her only about four times a year, yet she’s never forgotten my name before (uncommon, difficult to remember).
She’s a ballet dancer, has always had a great body and I never understood why she married HIM. She has a hyphenated name now, they moved to Switzerland after about three months of being married and have been living there ever since.

Unsplash: Sorin Sirbu
Unsplash: Sorin Sirbu

Maybe she could have done better, but she’s been with him for a long time now and that’s awesome. I looked up to her as a young girl, and when she got pregnant about 1.5 years ago, I felt a pit in my stomach. It hurt me, for absolutely no reason. I barely see them, and yet it did something to me I didn’t like.

Unsplash: Kelly Sikkema
Unsplash: Kelly Sikkema

I tried talking about it to my friend at the time, but he didn’t get it, mainly because my desire to get children was quite large at the time (changed a lot since then; it was only big for about 2 years in my life so far) and he doesn’t like children.
That hurt me too. And then I thought about it more and I realised that it wasn’t about them. I was the one that was being unhappy with my situation for no reason. I’m proud of them, of how good they are for one another (the husband and wife). The baby she gave birth to is beautiful, healthy and bubbly.
The envy of their relationship and marriage that I had was based on nothing at all, why would I be mad at others for finding each other?

The link to G@G

I feel like many questions on here have something to do with what people expect of/in a relationship or what people think should happen at some point. For example, does it really matter after how many dates you have sex [there are tons of questions that have something to do with this on G@G]? Just because it is considered weird for someone to be having sex with their date too early/too late, this doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t trust your gut. Face it: there’s a right time for everyone. Be open with one another, don’t allow disagreements to develop into anything more than misunderstandings.

Similarly, just address any expectations that may be different for you than they are for your partner.
For example, I’m a virgin because I’m saving myself for marriage. I can avoid many potential disagreements when I simply tell guys before they start wondering why we’re still not having sex. I’ve never had a proper boyfriend, I’ve referred to this one guy as my ex quite a number of times but he didn’t recognise our relationship as a relationship at the time, it was only afterwards that he said trust he’s sorry he didn’t see it earlier.
I can avoid guys feeling strange around me when I’m open and honest about my lack of experience and about problems I have with intimacy and relationships due to my autism.

Having crazy expectations that can’t be fulfilled is ruining your lives, and relationship jealousy is just one symptom of this. You could also have high expectations for your career that won’t be fulfilled for example.

A strange encounter

Many girls have expressed their opinions on relationships on G@G, but the one that stood out to me the most was one where a girl said that looks aren’t everything because most guys will be ugly in five years, and that she’s special because she makes sure she’ll still feel attracted to that guy in a couple of years.

I was disgusted by this comment because looks really aren’t everything. That couple I mentioned has gotten a little fluffier over the years - the man is now sporting a dad bod with nice legs and a beard that is supposed to hide his now-chubby-face. The woman gave birth a few months ago, I’m not sure when, but she hasn’t lost all of the weight yet and is sporting a little belly. Does that matter? They have a little baby girl they’re extremely happy about. In this example, while lookwise they probably wouldn’t have even met if they hadn’t been looking for another “extremely fanatic“ (quote: my ex) religious partner, they’re still attractive as a couple and attracted to one another. Neither of them are overweight.

Relationship envy and jealousy is not seething that others deserve to be happy just like you do and thinking that you’re better than others to some extent as well.
Thinking „why am I not with him/her“ shows that you think you could be better and that’s not right, leave them to it and move on.
I strongly believe that there’s someone out there for everyone.

Live life to the fullest [Unsplash: Lital Levy]
Live life to the fullest [Unsplash: Lital Levy]

In the meantime, singles, be happy with what you have.
As an example, I live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, I love cold environments, we have clear, clean, extremely tasty water, great air quality and a high standard of living.
Sure, there’s poverty in Austria too, but I’m not affected by it and that makes me extremely lucky.

Please don’t let high expectations ruin your life, I’ve seen high expectations ruin plenty of relationships now, and I’m sick of it.

What do you think? Where are girls’ and boys‘ high expectations coming from?

Singles: How your relationship envy is ruining your chances with potential partners
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Most Helpful Girl

  • Sbgirl
    Good post - relationship envy gets you no where. For me, I have never really experienced it until I was in a relationship funnily enough. Like I would look at other couples and think that their relationships must be perfect because they post so many pictures and we do not (even though we are both really private people who don't really like social media), so yes its incredibly stupid. And what you see on social media is not reality, you don't see the arguments, the mundane and boring.
    On the other side of things, relationship envy can make you really unattractive too. When you're desperate for a relationship its harder to get one because you're giving off desperate and clingy vibes. Plus if its just a relationship you are after and not that person specifically its not that flattering. I was messaging a guy before I met my boyfriend who would get all annoyed when I didn't reply to him right away, even though he knew I was at work. It was just plain annoying and reeked of desperation. Needless to say it put me off.
    Is this still revelant?

Most Helpful Guy

  • poneglyphs
    It goes and comes for me I felt envy late last year because most of my friends are taken but I gotten over it. Now, I'm just single like i've always been.
    Is this still revelant?

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What Girls & Guys Said

  • simplelikeme
    I don't think I have ever had this problem. When I see a couple showing affection, I'm not envy in any way. If anything I admire them, especially when I see an old couple who have been together for over 50 years. Because I actually want a relationship just like that. I think it is very sweet and cute to see an old couple walk down the street holding hands still in love.
  • Robertcw
    Great points. It's really sad that we'll all be ugly in + or - 8 years or so. That's why I want some hookups before then 😡. 😁
  • JHNS98
    Yeah, this was me in the latter years of high school. I had this lesbian couple in class, who I got very distracted by.
  • FatherJack
    " I strongly believe that there’s someone out there for everyone. " ... not if you are a heterosexual man , no there isn't. There are at least 10% more human males than females worldwide , the birth ratio is male heavy and magnified by the disgusting practice of female infanticide. Also , more women than men are single by choice , there are considerably more available men than women. The best thing is enjoy being single , far less stress and aggravation , & not GAF what others do. Single by choice , hence I opted to take majority custody , single dads stay permanently single , whether they like it or not. Relationships = hell !!
  • alex379
    The reason you felt an I'll feeling is because u in so e way had feelings for some odd reason it's happened to me
  • andrermm
    Could not care less about relationship goals.
  • Shamalien
    well done