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A year and a half after leaving my emotionally abusive ex, I just started seeing another guy. He's very respectful, is fluent in three languages, is a hard worker, doesn't want kids, and has been patient with me wanting to take things slow.
Take the time to heal.
If you’ve recently gotten out of an abusive relationship or are considering doing so, your sense of self has likely been altered — or even destroyed. Likely your feelings of safety and your ability to trust others as well. You can and will regain these things, but it will take time so you need to be patient with yourself. This is may one of the hardest things you will ever do. You can move on with your life and feel happy again, even if it doesn’t feel that way right now. Recognize what happened, seek professional help, cut the abuser out of your life, and make yourself and your health your top priority.
Take things slow.
Most of us have probably heard of the "taking it slow" approach to new relationships. On one hand, it seems obvious that it's important to get to know someone before committing to being in a relationship with them. Taking your relationship slow might mean something a bit different to everyone, so it's important to be on the same page. Depending on who you are asking, moving slowly could mean waiting to have sex, or it could mean having sex from the start but holding off with labels until you're both on the same page emotionally.
What do you want in a partner and a relationship?
Be as idealistic as you like, and once again, write it all down. Refer to if often, and believe you can have a relationship and person like that. The first step to recovery after an abusive relationship, is realizing you are worthy of a relationship that makes you happy.. Understand that it can happen. You must also enjoy being by yourself. Do the things you'd promised you'd do but were too afraid. Take a trip by yourself; you'll come back stronger and more confident, with a greater sense of yourself. Make sure you treat yourself well, with little gifts just because you deserve them. Don't allow yourself to feel negative about your appearance. Enjoy who you are. Go to the gym, exercise, or get fresh air. (Exercise increases endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people don't kill their husbands! -Elle Woods) You can also take an evening class in something that interests you to expand your mind and keep it stimulated.
If you even suspect they might be abusers, make your excuses and leave.
Don't wait and hope you're wrong about a new person. It's better to misjudge a person at this stage and err on the side of safety. It can be depressing of course, but remain your own best friend until someone truly good comes along. Even then, it doesn't mean you have to enter a full-blown relationship with them. Monitor not only your behavior, but the other person's, too. Are there any signs he or she could be like your ex? Abusers can often be charming, but there's no real depth to that charm. Hopefully you're familiar with the pattern you should be able to pick up clues as to whether they’re abusers or genuinely nice people. Narcissists (and cult leaders) are often use a tactic called "love bombing." Love bombing is the practice of showering a person with excessive affection and attention in order to gain control or significantly influence their behavior. The love bomber's attention might feel good for whoever is receiving it, but the motive is all about emotional manipulation. What separates love bombing from honeymoon feelings in a new relationship is a massive and sudden switch. One moment they may be totally idealizing their partner, and the next, they'll cut them down to size and degrade them.
Your partner is not your ex!
If you are still comparing your current partner to your last one, it won’t work. Also, it doesn't sound like you're healed enough to be in a new relationship if you're constantly comparing them to your ex. Your new partner will begin to resent you for things they had no control over. Getting into a new relationship means starting fresh. If you can't accept this new change, you’re setting yourself up for failure. Stop playing yourself. Actions speak louder than words, embrace it. Don’t allow one abusive partner to ruin the chances for someone truly wonderful.
Listen to your intuition.
Let someone show you who they are and leave at the first sign of abuse. Don't believe in an idealized version of who you want them to be. Your intuition is a free ticket to recognizing warning signs and red flags that are right in front of you. The subtle signs can be hard to pick up early on, so trust your gut. To steer clear of abusive relationships you must jump on the truth train when you first suspect anything. If you hear abusive language – chances are its abuse. If you think it's abuse, it's probably abuse. Allow your intuition to be your guiding light when your emotions are a jumbled mess.
Set boundaries early on.
Healing means for me, recognizing that my needs matter and that they are my responsibility, and that I can choose who I surround myself with. I knew that was the right choice for me, because I felt less stressed and angry, and had fresh mental space and time to surround myself with people who did support me.
Don't fake it for social media
Social media is the best way to paint the perfect most ideal picture of your relationship. Everyone wants to be loved. Sometimes so much so that it means faking a failed (or failing) relationship just for the sake of likes, comments, and validation. Before you post mushy photos of how great this relationship is, double check yourself. Is this person nice to me? Do they respect me? Do they respect those I love or important to me? Does this person value me and my ideals? Are this person and I on the same page of our relationship? Does this person take advantage of me or use me? If your answer to any one of these questions is no, respect yourself enough to move on and don’t turn back. An empowered man or woman will see their own true worth and not allow negativity, hatefulness, or false hope to temporarily overpower them for the sake of “likes.” Plus, the other person doesn’t deserve to be recognized, especially if they aren’t even nice or respectful.
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