What I've learned in just one night - the steps of self-improvement in the relationship

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

This won't be long.

Tonight, that I've spent mostly drinking, barechested and smoking with window open while my fiancée was sleeping - she woke up only once, to complain about the music - I've come across some realizations that I think that while some of you might call "unhealthy", in my opinion could help with reaching new levels of mental awareness.

The steps are very simple:

• Keep fasting like I've always did - still eat in front of her, but very little. Skip meals when she's at work.
• Sleep as little as possible - already doing it. Insomnia is a great friend.
• Push the body to the extreme by exposure - so stop taking meds and vitamins and expose my body to the cold night hair like I did tonight.
• Go completely mute with her - already doing that, I mostly speak with monosyllabes with her.
• Avoid physical contact and intimacy - she's mostly used to be it, but now I'll push for max abstinence. Not a big sacrifice for me honestly.

Those are my steps for self-inprovement.

What are yours?

[hellionthesagereborn]

None of those are self improvement, those are avoidance and destructive habits. Those are habits of some one who is to afraid to look inside themselves and find the problem that lies within them (not a jab, just a fact, take it as you will). Having experienced a high degree of trauma I can say what your doing is a symptom of trauma and is not any different then when a woman cuts herself, its a way to take your pain and turn it into something else so you can feel like your in control but your still in pain and the original source isn't going away so all your doing is essentially ensuring the wound gets infected.

If you want to improve yourself, sleep so your brain can learn and develop (it can't do that without it), learning to control your responses and emotions is not actually a bad thing (I use to do training like that, going outside in winter with minimal gear to force myself to control my response and to toughen up my mind and body as well as when swimming I would sit at the bottom of pools and force myself to relax and slow my breathing down in order to gain better control of my body so that I would not be controled by emotion or panic), but you need to make sure that you don't bottle up or ignore your emotions (they are their for a reason, they shouldn't be in the drivers seat but you shouldn't be kicking them out of the car either, it has its purpose) nor should you ignore your body, it shouldn't be in charge but it tells you your tired for a reason because it needs to rest and repair itself at some point but you need to learn to make it do so on your terms.

You also need to look at yourself, you need to see your own flaws, you need to be able to admit your own fears and insecurities and figure out where they came from (since I have read multiple posts, I can say it is most likely due to your mother (you wanted her love and approval because obviously she was your mother but you never got it so now you are desperate for those things from other women but you don't know how to do so in a functional healthy way and because she is your blueprint for a woman you are constantly finding yourself choosing women that have similar traits as her which results in you being miserable (because your mother made you miserable) and not getting what you actually needed. Even if you did your so paranoid (again, not an attack, this is what crazy mothers do (I've had two of them (I'm adopted) so I'm quite familiar with this).) that your to afraid to give them a chance so you end up either finding the wrong person or you find the right person and push them away.

I don't expect you to do any of this, you should (and if necessary seek counciling (I spent a couple of decades doing this on my own but it might be quicker and easier to get a pyschiatrist instead of doing it on your own), but again I don't expect you to heed my advice but at least consider it.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

I understand your points and I appreciate your well thought and in-depth response.
I'm trying to get in touch with a therapist but I'm not sure she'll have me after I abruptly called off our course... we'll see.

[hellionthesagereborn]

Well I would recommend it. Some times you need another opinion, think of it as a guidepost, without them you tend to get lost, so if you cut all of them out of your life you end up losing your way more often then not. So that is why I would recommend it (again, having done it the hard way I can say its not very efficient and it takes a long time so if you can find a way to expediate the process, that would probably be a wiser choice then what I did).

[Juxtapose]

At this point you should just commit yourself to a mental institution.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

I'd rather die than do let it happen.

[Juxtapose]

Why? You clearly need help.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

I don't want it.
There's no point.

[Juxtapose]

Why is there no point?

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

There just isn't.

[AlienParasite]

I really think it's borderline personality disorder and not just depression.

How I'm trying to improve? Not sure but I have an excel in which I plan the day and then write what I actually have done to see how I use my time and if I have wasted it too much. I have the aim of working out at least 3h a week and working on 2D animation exercises at least 30h a week.

When I'm happier I have more energy and I meet my goals or even go beyond. Sometimes my moods swings and I feel sad or empty and that makes me be short to meet the weekly goals, which usually leads me to make an effort to forgive myself for having a bad week, because my first thoughts are usually beign mentally abusive to myself. When I follow the negative thoughts I end feeling deserving of death or hopeless. I have tendency to depression now and then. That's why I recognize depressive patterns you have.

[420Rachel]

Sounds like she's pushing you to kill yourself unknowingly... She's selfish for forcing you to stay. I wish you had a conventional way to get away from her. Be cold, distance yourself, be uncaring so that maybe she'll finally decide she it isn't worth it to force you to be with anymore. But please don't hurt yourself like this, I don't see how it's worth it.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

I see that it's worth it.
She loves me, and if she really loves me to death we'll see it.
I'm already in a bad state, no sense to go on.

[420Rachel]

This doesn't seem like love to me, from what I've seen of your posts. She is literally forcing you to stay with her, how is that love? Obviously you aren't happy and this relationship isn't making you happy.

[Deformate]

Wow come on people. This is satirical humour, nothing more. Dont take it seriously.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

Misery is always funny

[Deformate]

I mean... yeah... it can be lol

[smsme00]

This is so damaging