Interview with the ''other woman'' - some light on being a married man's mistress

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

This myTake was more or less ready for the beginning of this week, but I've had some issues taking precedence so I had to postpone it.
This article starts from the long talk I had with an acquaintance - who'll be referred here as M - who helpfully shared her experience on being a married man's mistress, the ''other woman''. M is NOT the friend I referred to in my previous myTake - The Truths about cheating that nobody likes to hear - at the time of the affair, she was single and freshly divorced.

The interview wasn't put in Q&A, because I didn't think to make it one at the time, however she agreed to let me transcript some of her statements and translate them into English. Naturally, I let her check the translations and the draft of the article as a whole plus the version I'm publishing here and gave her the final say on it, since I don't want for her to feel that she or her experiences are getting exploited.
Since she gave me greenlight on it, I'm now proceeding to publish the article.

- She didn't know he was a married man

''He told me he was divorcing his wife and it was just a last formality because their marriage had been completely over for years.''

At first she didn't think she was getting tangled with a married man. M believed him when he said the divorce with this ex wife was just getting finalized. She didn't question him.
Needless to say, the truth was starkly different. There was no divorce to be finalized, because he wasn't getting divorced.
He spilled the beans fairly quickly to M, but in a particular subtle way.

''He told me his wife had threatened to take away all his possessions, to ruin him and never let him see his children ever again. He was desperate so I told him to try to work it out with her and stay in the marriage just as a formality. He was reluctant, but then he agreed''

Basically, the man put things in a way so it was M who would propose this course of action and so ''legitimize'' the state of things. In hindsight, it would also make it easier to place the whole blame on her in the eventuality of things going wrong.

- At first it was a thrill, then it got depressing

''It was exciting, so exciting... meeting clandestinely in the hotel of another city, playing it like we were perfect strangers, then getting to our room...''

The first times were a costant endorphine rush. Waiting for his calls - he specified her to never ever call him - meeting up in the appointed places, enjoying the taste of taboo. Checking in in the most notorious hotel for that kind of ''business'', but it also conveniently had a conference hall and auditoriums so the man, a high level executive, could claim to be staying there in view of future conferences; and luxurious and expensive dinners in private rooms. Coupled with gifts and surprises, for M it was like living in a dream.

''He treated me like a princess, it was simply so dreaming (sic) and so fantastic''

The feeling of excitement and wonder was intoxicating, and the rush seemed endless. But it wouldn't last. M started to come to terms with the fact that while dinners, gifts and sex were good, she didn't want him just for those things - she was really falling in love with him.
And with love, came the jealousy.

''I couldn't stand the idea he always went back to his wife. She didn't deserve him and I hated to be left alone''

Things started to unravel in M's world. She lost her appettite for the fancy dinners, the stays at the hotel started to feel like a prison and the sex, as good as it was, didn't feel ''complete'' and satisfying anymore.

- The five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance

I felt so angry with everyone, to him because of his lying and excuses, to myself because I fell in it like an idiot, with his wife because she was such a b*tch and kept him with threats''

M started to spiral down and down. Contacts with him were getting rarer and rarer and encounters wouldn't be much more than a quick, two-hours long sex, and she started to feel isolated and lonely. She could talk with nobody about her situation, because very probably she would have been yelled at or met with disapproval.
So M started to close more and more into herself. She lost 7kg, and her smoking and drinking habits worsened. Mixing the liquor and prescription pills, she at one point considered downing the whole pill bottle watering it down with liquor.

She did it halfheartedly, enough to get quite sick but not enough to cause an overdose.
When we talked about it, I ''clinically'' highlighted how she has went throught the iconic five stages of grief:

• Denial - M thought that he really loved and would leave his wife for her, thing that was getting more and more unlikely as time passed.
• Anger - see quote. M was furious with everyone, herself included. She started to hate herself for wanting to take away a man from his wife and children - after all she too had children she had been separated from, so she felt she should have understood that kind of pain. She saw herself as horrible and selfish.
• Bargaining - M believed that with time, if she behaved ''well enough'', he would have eventually convinced himself to leave his wife for her.
• Depression - this kicked in hard as he started to give signals he wanted to end his affair with M. Aside from the mentioned suicide attempt, she started to feel trapped inside an abyss. Nobody to turn to, nobody to confide in. She ''broke'' the rules and tried to call him, only to get severely reprimanded by him.
• Acceptance - ironically, as he distanced himself, M started to feel way better. Tomorrow was another day and she could try to step into the world to find something - or someone - else, now that he had basically eclypsed himself from her life.

So M stepped up and went ahead with her life. Almost eleven years have passed, and now she feels that this experience, with it's ups and downs, helped shaping the woman she is today and what she really wants from her life, and from her man. Here we have saying ''Quel che non ti uccide, ti rende più forte'' - What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger - and I'd say that at least in her case, it's completely spot on.

Thank you for reading, and feel free to leave your opinion!
A special thanks goes to M, who shared her experience with me and allowed me to frame and share it with all of you.
A hug from me,
Jean

[Lliam]

A very well written and insightful MyTake, Jean.

I can understand how M got sucked in and only later came to realize that she was being used.

I had one personal experience with a woman who was actually nearing the end of a divorce. She had four kids. I had known her when I was in Jr High and High school. She was one of the cutest girls I had ever seen but was at least two years younger than I and not the brightest bulb, so I never pursued her at all.
At some point, in my mid-30s, she contacted me and the timing was perfect because I had just come out of a dark time in my life. She was beautiful and I was surprised to find out that she had become a business woman.
We got together. I even went to the house she was renting in the town where she lived, two hours away from where I lived. So the separation and divorce were real. She told me what a monster her husband was and I totally bought it.
We started living together and the kids were with us sometimes. She was sharing custody of her kids with her husband. Two of the kids were teens.
After living together for a while, I began to realize that she had genuine mental issues and that her husband was anything but a monster.
Her motive for seeking me out had been for financial assistance until the divorce was finalized. She kept talking about how much she would receive in the settlement, that she would pay me back for the rent I had paid, and we could go on to live happy lives.
In the end, she loaded a moving van with her shit (and some of my shit) one day while I was at work. Then she told other people that I was a monster.
Oh well. Goodbye to bad trash and lesson learned. I fell for the scam in a time when I was vulnerable.

Another example. I have a very close female family member. I'll call her J. She's a wonderful person but has low self-esteem.
She fell in love with a married man. I don't know how they met or how she fell in love with him. They were together for many years. He treated her very well. He obviously fulfilled her sexually, but they also would go places and do things together, and he was very handy with helping with all kinds of building and repair projects. He even had connections for goods and services. She loved him with all her heart as if he was the one and only love of her entire life.
She knew that he had a wife and grown kids, although I don't know if she knew that when they met. What's weird is, his wife and kids knew about her and held no animosity. It reminded me of accepted traditions in other cultures where men of means kept mistresses and the practice was thought of as normal. I don't get it, but there ya go.
He would sometimes make promises, like for instance, to take her on a weekend vacation and then cancel at the last minute. She got angry and disappointed with him at times.
J always hoped that he would divorce his wife and marry her. Maybe he and his wife were no longer intimate and merely lived under the same roof. I don't know. At least that's probably what J told herself. But J was willing to be with him under any circumstances, even as a mistress.
The man had a history of heart problems even though he was a surfer and very, very active. He went in for some procedure and died unexpectedly on the operating table.
J was devastated. And she never got together with another man. Again, he was the love of her life.

i don't know what the take away from any of this is except that people are complicated.

[Lliam]

Thanks for the MHO, Jean.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

I should be the one thanking you for sharing your opinion and your experience, I wholeheartedly appreciate it!
I'm really sorry you had to go through that, it must have been horrible and I'm literally speechless.
A person like her won't end up well, that's what I can say for sure. I hope you are doing better and recovering well now.
As for J, that's really tragic. I hope she's more serene now.

[Lliam]

Thanks, Jean. Oh, I recovered quite nicely. I was angry and disgusted but not heartbroken.

After that incident, I met the most incredibly wonderful woman. She and I virtually lived together for over a year and it was the most magical year of my life. It was a peak experience. She and I broke up for reasons that are too complicated to go into. She wound up moving out of state. I was so heartbroken that it felt like my guts had been kicked out and I was practically nauseous at times. I had never loved anyone so deeply. It took me almost a year to pull of my socks and reengage with life.

I then joined a dating service (before internet) and, long story short, met the woman who would become my wife. We've been happily married now for almost 25 years.

The wonderful woman I mentioned and I reconnected 20 years later on Facebook and even talked a couple times on the phone. Her voice filled me with joy and happy memories. I was happy to just know that she was in the world, doing well and pursuing her dreams. About five years later, I read that she had passed away from a sudden medical problem. She was only in her mid 50s. There is still a hole in my heart that will never heal. I'll never forget her or stop loving her.

It's funny how life works. Random opportunities present themselves. Sometimes we grab them. They may not work out, but sometimes magic happens. There will be both pain and ecstasy. But every experience is an opportunity to learn and grow. And we accumulate wonderful memories.

As for J, she had married an up and coming cardiologist when she was about your age. They had a baby girl. They had a nasty divorce several years later. She got custody of her daughter.
It was after that when she met the guy I talked about.
She has done very well since his death, though. That was many years ago. She's happy, but she'll never fall in love again.

[menina]

She believed he would leave his wife for her, that's a big mistake that all women who get involved with married men make. They will never get a divorce because being married is more convenient to them.
I guess I also went through the 5 stages of grief the last time I was in love and I got to the acceptance stage thanks to the pandemic. The less I saw him, the better I felt with myself.

This Take was so interesting. Thanks for sharing it and also thanks to M for teaching us a life lesson.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

Thank you for sharing your opinion and your experience, I wholeheartedly appreciate it!
I completely agree with you. The worst is when genuine love gets manipulated by someone who doesn't return your feelings at all.
I'm glad you have moved on and I hope you are going better now!

[menina]

You're welcome Jean.
"The worst is when genuine love gets manipulated by someone who doesn't return your feelings at all." - Exactly and this happens so many times.
Thank you, yes I do feel better now. And I won't fall in love anytime soon, that's for sure.

[Daniela1982]

But not all the time. Sometimes they do leave their mate for someone else. I laugh when it doesn't work out for them. You reap what you sow.

[menina]

@Daniela1982 Yes, but that rarely happens. I agree with you.

[menina]

Thanks for the MHO. :)

[OlderAndWiser]

It is easy to be very judgmental about someone who is having an affair with a married person but, as your friend explained, she thought his divorce was almost final. I have only dated one woman whose divorce was not final but I knew that she had been separated from her husband for a few years because she invited me into her home and I met her children, so I was not on a position to be fooled.

Yes, something that is forbidden can be exciting, but for most things that are forbidden, there is a reason. And eventually, you will discover that reason. I am glad that your friend learned some lessons from the experience and is now a stronger woman. None of us can expect to never make mistakes; the most we can demand of ourselves is that we learn from our mistakes so that we don't repeat them.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

Thank you for sharing your opinion, my friend!
I agree with everything you wrote.
In your case I'd say the situation was very clear cut and you weren't doing a mistake.
As a side note, I've discovered that many, many people who cheat lie to their lover about their marital status.

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

The sad thing is, this isn't an unfamiliar story that's been told and result throughout centuries yet people still fall victim to it in their need/desire to feel loved. And then society will label her as the homewrecker or these days the store female that just likes the bad boys blah blah instead of putting the blame on the men and women that selfishly destroy others lives so for what, sex?
Very nicely written and I'm glad you're friend found her way out of that toxic situation.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

Thank you for your opinion, I wholeheartedly agree with what you have written. It's sad that such stories repeat themselves.
Society is quick to judge the "homewreckers" and they don't stop to analyze the facts and see if they were victims of manipulation or not.

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

Exactly!! And excuse asyk the typos 🙈

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

*all

[coachTanthony]

Good take and good for her to moving on and learning from this... Many don't learn they just move on and it's a never ending cycle.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

Very true, thank you for sharing your opinion my friend!

[Massageman]

Thank you for that revealing "slice of life", a slice that is better left uncut, and uneaten. I'm happy that M has found a better life for herself after all this time. On a production note, you picked some great photos for your piece here. but I digress- - - - -

As most are noting, it is a scenario that repeats itself on a regular basis with some people. My counselor wife has seen it more times than she'd want to count. First spouse was bossy/pervy/drunk/ any adjective. Divorce! Next spouse? Yup, you guessed it- bossy/pervy/drunk/ any adjective.

"What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger," comes from an aphorism (a short saying that explains a general truth) of the 19th century German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche. It has been translated into English, French and many other languages, and is quoted in several variations, but is generally used as an affirmation of resilience. Sounds true in just about ANY language! So while people may be getting "stronger" with each failure, many of them are not getting any smarter about eliminating future failures of the same type.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

That's a very in-depth analysis, I honestly didn't think it in the terms you've highlighted. Thank you for sharing!

[midnightmoon05]

I didn't finish reading the above. I can't speak for others.
From my own experience, I know women would still go after "married" men.
When my then husband started to talk to other women, I am sure he told them the marriage was over. There are a lot of desperate people out there.
I found out, I called those women that he is a married man with a wife and two young children that they need to not break up a family. Whatever issues we have, we have to deal with it till our marriage is over. They didn't care and continue to sexting with him.
That escalated the pain of the divorce.
After years of healing, I started to date online, found out some men who are not "real" or availible, its not hard to figure out that they are not single. Just chatting over the phone, I can tell if they were lying. So I moved on.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

I'm really sorry you had to go through that, it must have been really painful.
I hope you are doing much better now!

[pleasestopthis]

What I really feel bad about in these situations is the wife. Most of these men sell a false image of their wives, like they're crazy psychos... and the other women believe them and think themselves as more deserving of the "wife" position. Fortunately your friend could get out of this... I don't think it's healthy to live in a man's shadow and receive crumbles when one could get so much more with the right person.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

Thank you for sharing your opinion!
I wholeheartedly agree with you. The wife was a victim of that guy's selfish behavior. He basically lied and manipulated both women to get what he wanted.
M told me she considered contacting the wife to let her know, but considering there were children too she decided to avoid that as to not be the one who brought disturbance in that family.

[Jamie05rhs]

Moral of the story: people lie. Verify their stories before believing them and making life-altering decisions based on that belief.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

Truth, and it couldn't be said enough times!

[Jamie05rhs]

Thanks, man.

[Daniela1982]

Why would anyone want to be a mistress unless she had no morals or qualms about breaking up someone's marriage? I'll be frank, to me that woman would be a cunt and a complete low life.

*What the wife would say to here husband about the mistress*

[EmotionOfFear]

This was a lovely story, and generous interview to see from such a lampshaded perspective. Thank you so much! For both your bravery of interviewing, and the interviewee's, of course.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

Thank you for your kind words, I wholeheartedly appreciate them and I'm sure she will too!
To be honest, the bulk of the merit goes to her for sharing her story and allowing me to write this myTake.

[Poppykate]

One of the many reasons why a person needs to get to know someone BEFORE having sex. 🤔

[not_a_dumb_blonde]

my husband undresses me like that and I love it